Poll: ex's

mrs.spunky1508

Oh, I have. First it was before the wedding. Then it was when we have kids. Hopefully, she'll be moving back soon (less than 2-3 years) so I will never have to see her.Every fight ends with "I don't tell YOU who you can and can't be friends with" UGH! She's not your FRIEND she's your EX. Once you put your peen in there, friend went out the window. Sorry.

kewltif

Sorry, I have to laugh out loud to "she's moving in 2-3 years." OMG- that is forever away for this BS.OK- so she moved to NJ to be with him, and that ended like 5 years ago. Get over it. Move home if you're so miserable!

kewltif

It's funny, the closest thing I have that relates to this (which isn't even close by a stretch), is when we VERY first started dating DH was all nervous one night and was like "I have to tell you something " (I am expecting the worst at this point) and he's like "This girl I used to date, likes me, and follows me around. I am not interested! She won't leave me alone and she's at the same parties a lot. I just really don't want you thinking it's anything, and not trusting me."I had to laugh at that point. The girl was a train wreck and pretty busted, so I had nothing to worry about lol. It meant a lot to me though that he went out of his way to clarify the situation so I wouldn't be worried about her. I could tell from his body language around her that he had no interest so I paid her no mind.

mrs.spunky1508

I've already dealt for 4 years... It used to be much worse. They went out to dinner every Tuesday up until a few months before we got married. When we moved that also made things more difficult, well easier on me I used to ask him "what if one of my friends saw you out with her? They'd think you were cheating!" and he would say stuff like "what do you care what they think" and "but I'm not..." To me, it's one and the same, but apparently there is no reasoning with him.

mrs.spunky1508

And, to make matters worse, my H's bff broke up with his gf about a year ago. He used to feel the same way as me, that it was super weird and he should cut it out. Now, they still talk from time to time and agrees with my H! My H is so weird. I wonder if he thinks I'm stupid or if he is insensitive or what. The first apt they had was 1 town north of where we live now. We'll drive by the complex (it's right off the highway) and he'll say "oh that's where my friend and I lived right out of college" and I'll just say "(her name)" and then I'll be all like "why did you bring her up?" and he'll say "I didn't, you're the one who said her name!" and I'll say "but you know and I know who you were talking about"... we pass this apartment complex like WEEKLY and he brings it up EVERY TIME. I have a memory like FLY PAPER and you bring it up EVERY time?!

kpeteley

I should clarify that this was early on in our relationship  - we have been together 4 1/2? years.  She was never in our circle of people and no longer lives in NJ.  FI has NO contact with her anymore and hasn't for years. He learned a hard lesson in that situation, and it wasn't easy to get past.  when He was in contact with her, it was not physically at all.  FI works in the restaurant industry and there are a lot of girls that don't respect relationships.  He has come to me with 1 or 2 situations, to tell me - like your H did.  He knows that without trust - everything else is pointless

mrs.spunky1508

and, for the record, "friend" is what I called the guy I was messing around/sneaking around with in college. When I would say, "my friend" without names, it has a certain connotation to me. I don't know if I've ever told him that though, and that may be why it bothers me. Hm...

kewltif

Kate- I have to give you a big "huh?"Why would he mention their apartment every time you drive by? Certain things are better left UN SAID!

kpeteley

Argh - Don't for 1 milisecond doubt your feelings are valid.  I don't care how many ex situations, where the people are still friends are presented to you- Your situations is just that - Yours! and quite honestly if your not happy that is all that matters and your H needs to do something about it.

mrs.spunky1508

Exactly. However, my H's memory sucks. I hear the same stories alllllll the time. We balance each other out in that way. Half the time, I believe he believes I don't know the information, like his old apartment. And it's not the apartment, or even mentioning it all the time, it's "my friend and I used to live here". Um, no. Like I said before peen + vag (tab a, slot b) = not friends.

kpeteley

I think that if you have been cordial to H's ex, it's time to end it. You don't owe her anything, nor do you owe H to feel like this relationship is ok.  Eventually  I hope it works out the way you want.  At the end of the day, he married you and I hope he realizes that sometimes you do have to choose what is best for your #1 relationship and not just for yourself.  I am off to bed - loser that I am tonight.  If you ever want to chat - page me or email me moxie kris @ aol.com-Kristin

mrs.spunky1508

Thanks, I really appreciate it. I really feel like everyone ELSE in my life - my parents, my friends - judges me and thinks of me as a doormat b/c I "allow" this to happen.My H hid his continuing relationship with her from his parents for a LONG time. When I brought it up without knowing this, the look on his mother's face said everything. I asked him why, if he wouldn't tell his parents for fear of the reaction, he would still continue to see her. I got no answer. I told him he knows it's wrong and one day he will do what is right by me. But the "guilt" overcomes all that for now.

alliecarrie41

1- Did/would you invite an ex to your wedding? all of my "ex's" are "ex's" on faily good terms, so i suppose if we were still close (which we are not) it'd be fine.  didn't work out that way however... people drift, and rightfully so.2- What would FI say? he'd be like, uh, no...3- What if they showed up as another guests' date? Reaction? would never happen as i never dated a tool bag who would have such disrepect

Sinthya

oy. Kate, girl, I cannot even BELIEVE this shiit still goes on. You may be 'dealing' with it, and it might be 'better', but you are scarring your relationship. I cannot even begin to put into words how disgusting I think your H's behavior is as it relates to his POS ex and well, in general based on some other things you've posted about in the nearly 2 years I've been around.

alliecarrie41

speaking from an outsider but nonetheless someone who has been around for as long as sinthya reading a bit into your life kate, i also worry and sometimes really hate your DH for you...  

mrs.spunky1508

While this is a big hurdle in our relationship, in my eyes to knock over and kick to death, for my H to get over, 99% of the time things are great. I don't think about it every day, it isn't an elephant in the room. When it comes up, I vent, when it doesn't I am even-keeled.As for "scarring", I don't forget a single thing that is said or done either to me or about me (that I hear about). I am scarring myself, basically, by not forgetting. Even if he were to cut her out tomorrow, I wouldn't forgive him for the time that has passed, nor should I.I don't hinder my thoughts or my feelings about the subject, he knows fully what I think, and disagrees vehemently. It doesn't matter if I talk calmly, or cry, or scream, the message is still the same and the answer is always "but I wouldn't tell YOU who to and to not be friends with"I don't understand why he does what he does, I don't agree with what he does, I don't accept what he does willingly, but he is his own person with his own free will. To boot, me telling him "don't do x" makes him want to do it all the more. He's very much about his personal freedoms and me, even as his wife, not hindering that.He's right, he wouldn't tell me not to be friends with someone. I am the one who would realize a relationship wasn't right for me and end it, it's not his decision to make. BUT I also wouldn't do what he's done to me all this time.When he sat down to explain a lot of this to me - after him telling me for years all I did was have this "box" of what their relationship was in my head, I let him explain himself - I was SHOCKED at the tremendous amount of guilt he says he felt/feels. He's just NOT that type of person. I mean, hello guilt trip of 4 years over here, and you've done nothing to appease ME? He is so lazaise-faire (sp?) about most things, I was sitting there stunned at the word "guilt" coming out of his mouth.It isn't easy. I know a lot of you (most probably) would have run for the hills by now.I often feel bad venting though. I probably make him out to be an awful person when that isn't the case. I am just a person who can not hide, mow over, or otherwise suffocate their feelings, and I feel 100% better getting things off my chest here, much better than talking to people in my "real" life. But I have considered going to therapy or a counselor to talk about my feelings.

Sinthya

As for "scarring", I don't forget a single thing that is said or done either to me or about me (that I hear about). I am scarring myself, basically, by not forgetting. Even if he were to cut her out tomorrow, I wouldn't forgive him for the time that has passed, nor should I.....But I have considered going to therapy or a counselor to talk about my feelings. I couldn't have said it better myself Kate. I mean whether it gets to you 'everyday' or not, its still something that affects you at least some of the time. Like the MIL drama with me. Before we got over the first hurdle, while it wouldn't bother me ALL the time that we didn't get along, there WERE those nights that I'd cry myself to sleep. And THOSE nights sucked but they were enough for me to tell MH NOT to do the thing I wanted most (for him to propose) until things got better. I really, just don't know how you do it.

alliecarrie41

therapists re wonderful; i'll leave it at that.  "friends".. IRL or even on here... are not always the best advocates or either side of a story.  i hope if speaking with a professional is something you think might help you go for it.  nothing bad can come from it!... except a few less $$$ in your pockets.  only bad advice is free

mrs.spunky1508

I do tell him all the time that this is my only grievance, and that he could make it 100% better with basically a phone call.Just like he thinks it would be better if he never had to see one of my cousin's H ever again. He feels my cousin's H threatened him directly (physically, as opposed to emotionally, mentally like with my H's ex) and "abused his power" as a cop to use it against my H. It almost caused my H to break up with me b/c my family was a bunch of whackadoodles. I look at is as, I am the only child, and a girl and my cousin is like a sister to me and her H is also very protective. I had JUST gotten out of a bad relationship, and my cousin's H witnessed the aftermath of the break-up (that very night) and it was not pretty.It went on for a month - my relationship with my cousin has never fully healed btw - and it's been a stalemate between the two of them ever since.Even though we had my cousin's daughter in our wedding, my H fought tooth-and-nail against having her dad there with his gun (he had to be on duty the next day, didn't want to leave it in the hotel safe, they lived closer to the hotel/reception than to home), just as I fought against having his ex there.

mrs.spunky1508

... and that goes to Allie's point of not hearing both sides. It doesn't make it any better. If anything, the repercussions in my family (extended) are worse b/c this turned into "(my H) hates cops" among my cousin's H and my 2nd cousins (one of which he works with) which couldn't be farther from the truth. It's worse b/c I can count on two hands the number of family members of mine that are in law enforcement, including my uncle, excluding my deceased grandfather.

kewltif

Kate- I really think talking to a counselor might be a good thing. It's hard for any of us to really understand or get the full picture. We obviously hear one side of the story. I think you do hold a lot of baggage (rightfully so) and I would personally find it hard to overcome those things.DH and I are in a great place now, but we have had our disagreements in the past.  I don't feel like rehashing it now, because it make him sound awful when he's not.Anyway, I think when I finally put my foot down about certain behaviors, although different than your issues, he really saw I was serious, and genuinely made an effort to change and has not looked back since.