NWR- BM Engaged sorry for the long rant

kjones927

Yesterday one of my bride's maids who has been my friend since 2nd grade got engaged.  I should be happy for her, but I am having a hard time feeling that way, so are our other friends and her parents.

She had been living in Florida for school and after she graduated got an internship there.  So needless to say she hasn't been that involved in helping with my wedding as my other BM.  And the three of us have been friends forever.  It never bothered me that she hasn't been involved, but she felt bad.  She was supposed to be moving back to NJ in august because she can't find a job in Florida so can't afford to live there, instead she got engaged yesterday.  Now she'll be home for all of august and then back down to florida.  But she calls to tell me and goes on and on about how we need to plan her wedding since she wants to get married before me, my other BM and me feel like she is going to make it all about her and not me.  She wants to know my ideas so she can get started planning.

This all wouldn't be too bad if it wasn't for the fact she has only been dating the guy for 8 months and 6 months ago she hated him, was uncomfortable with him, and was going to break up with him.  She told us she knows its fast but its the easiest thing to do so she can stay in Florida and not be away from him.  When asked how she feels about him she just keeps saying he makes her happy and she feels good around him, she is comfortable with him.  I think a natural response to that question is you love your fiance. 

I need help.  Am I out of line and over reacting about this?  How do I tell her my concerns without ruining our friendship?  I just feel like she is getting married for the wrong reasons and it seems like her fiance is taking advantage of her not knowing what she wants to do in life.

DMLJ

unfortunately, I don't think you can do much.  If you do open your mouth about your concerns, you are likely to lose a friend...... in fact that might just be inevitable since it will be so hard for you to be happy for her.  Hopefully her family will intervene in some way and maybe you could even talk to them about your reservations.  In the end, she is an adult and needs to make the decision for herself..... it's so hard when you see a trainwreck about to happen and you know that there is nothing you can do to stop it.

goaliegirl

First of all, if this girl has been your friend for a long time you should be happy for her!     It sounds like you are a little unhappy that she is going to get married before you.  When I was reading your post, it sounded like you were getting married very soon, but when I look at your ticker you still have over a year.   I don't see anything wrong with someone getting engaged now and wanting to get married before then, not everyone wants a long engagement.   And she shouldn't plan the date of her wedding based on you...as long as she doesn't pick the same day, who cares?

One of our Groomsman, who we were very good friends with, got engaged a few weeks after us and they chose a date a month before us and we were so happy for them!   It made no difference to me when they got married!

If you are concerned about her marrying this guy, you can say that you are worried but I wouldn't get too involved, she is going to do what she wants to do!

Heather822

As for not approving of her choices.... I think as a real friend you are not only entitled, but have an obligation to express legitimate concerns.... but only one time. And choose your words & tone carefully. Make sure they are coming from a place of real concern, and not condescending.
She will either hear you out & consider your advice, or not. And it will probably be 'not'. But after that you need to let it go. People make their own life choices, and tend to only learn through experiences, and figure out along the way if they have made mistakes. if you harp on her & nag her about it, it will put a wall between you two and only push her to staying in a bad place for the sake of winning an argument.

As for the 'who gets married first / that was my idea'... I am sorry but that is just kind of silly. You are both grown women planning weddings and if you both have the similar centerpieces ~ so what? Who cares? No one will notice but you guys. Don't let pettiness like that come between you.

Good luck!

TuffysMommie

I think you should just be happy for her and let her decide if the guy is right for her or not.  

You each get one wedding day - it doesn't matter if hers happens first or second. It shouldn't matter if you help her more with her planning than she helps with yours.  

As a friend, be supportive and offer your opinion if she asks.  Otherwise, just be happy for the girl and help her plan!

Danes983

I understand why you would be upset if you think that she is getting married for the wrong reasons.  However at this point since she is happy you need to support her.  If there is ever a day when she isnt sure you can def express how you feel about her being uphappy just a few months ago and that you only want the best for her.
As far as her getting engaged after and married before.  It happened to me with my FI cousin.  They got engaged way after us and are getting married 3 months before us.  It kind of sucked at first, I felt like my thunder was being taken away.  But as things have progressed we want very different things for our weddings and its really nice that we can bounce ideas and family issues off of eachother.  So maybe this will be a good thing. I am sure it will work out great for you and for her.

jrgoogrl

I can understand being upset, but I agree with PP's. In this situation, if your friend is happy, then be happy for her. Don't stress over the fact that she wants to get married before you and got engaged after you, it's not that big of a deal. If she wanted to get married the same day as you, then I can understand being upset. But for now, be there for your friend. 

If you feel that she is getting married for the wrong reasons and you feel that you can talk to her, then do that. But don't harp on it, nag her about it or argue about it. If in the end she doesn't want to listen to you, there's nothing that can be done. You are both adults and have the right to make your own decisions. 

Good luck

sparkles2010

You should be happy for her.  Its a special time for her, as it is for you.  People should not plan around each others events by saying "so and so is getting married this year, this means I can't."  A wedding is a one day celebration, and thats all.  I know lots of planning is involved, and you can decide whether to make it fun for both of you, or make it a competition.  It is all up to you.  By getting married, she is not just making a decision to throw a big party, but to stick with this guy for the rest of her life.  If you feel he is not the right guy, then thats just something to keep to yourself.  You are not marrying him. If you have real examples of her being treated poorly by him (ie disrespecting her, cheating, hurting her, constantly putting her down), then thats another story.  I say then you can intervene.

kjones927

Thanks for the advice. 

I know it came off that I'm upset she is getting married before me, but I'm not.  I have another friend and my cousin who got engaged after me and our getting married before me.  My fiance and I chose to wait because of financial reasons and we wanted a fall wedding which would be hard to do this year since it is my first year teaching too.  Its more that last week she was so excited to be home in a month and start looking at bride's maids dresses with me and my other girls, now she is telling our other friend that my wedding plans need to wait because we need to decide on her dresses.

I really feel like she is getting married for all the wrong reasons.  When we ask her if she loves him he just says he makes her happy.  She says she is no longer uncomfortable around him because she spends a lot of time with him and his family or him and his friends.  But when it was just the two together a few months ago she kept saying it was so awkward.  I think she is going to marry him and everything will be back to how it was when they first dated and it was just the two of them together.  She keeps saying she isn't obsessed with seeing him and they only see each other on the weekends, she tells us that to make us think its a mature relationship, but things are different when you're married and with the same person everyday.

I don't want to upset her, but I feel like she doesn't want to look at things for the long run, she is just looking at how it is right now.  She said when she told anyone  in her family or friends in NJ they sound surprised and questioning her, but its only because the last we heard of she was breaking up with him.  He is her first boyfriend and gives her everything she wants, I don't think she is looking past that.  She has always been insecure and it seems she just loves that he loves her.

I told her I am glad she is happy.  But I want to ask her if she really thinks she is getting married for the right reasons.

mbcdefg

I don't think you should say anything more to her than, "If you are confident that this is the right decision and you really want to spend your life with him, then I'm happy for you."

Because if everyone else is unsure of their relationship (as it sounds like they are), she'll probably be hearing a lot of criticism and "don't do it" advice from others. And plus, if she's an adult and doesn't know enough to marry a guy she really loves, then I doubt anyone else can convince her otherwise.

Best you can do is wish her well, and let her know that you'll be there to support her no matter what.

carlaspeed

8 months it's too fast, it took me a while to decide to marry my fiance, the first 1-2 years are like a honeymoon, then everything changes and is different and challenging, if you make it after this period 1-2 more years, then you say you are ready to get married.......only my opinion after dating fiance for almost 6 years and coming from divorced parents.....

kristen8040

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_nwr-bm-engaged-sorry-long-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:149f8df7-7477-4933-907c-90e2087154a2Post:ef20f8ee-f4bc-48a3-9836-b515c6dda9a2">Re: NWR- BM Engaged sorry for the long rant</a>:
[QUOTE]8 months it's too fast, it took me a while to decide to marry my fiance, the first 1-2 years are like a honeymoon, then everything changes and is different and challenging, if you make it after this period 1-2 more years, then you say you are ready to get married.......only my opinion after dating fiance for almost 6 years and coming from divorced parents.....
Posted by carlaspeed[/QUOTE]

<div>I disagree, my FI started staying over more and more nights since we were spending so much time together, and that was early on in our relationship. We got engaged after being together for 11 months.  I don't feel like we ever even had a "honeymoon" stage, and if we did, it didn't last too long since we were living together in a 480sq. ft. studio within a few months, and we had to learn to live with each other lol.  I think everyone is different and has different timelines.</div>

goaliegirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_nwr-bm-engaged-sorry-long-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:149f8df7-7477-4933-907c-90e2087154a2Post:ef20f8ee-f4bc-48a3-9836-b515c6dda9a2">Re: NWR- BM Engaged sorry for the long rant</a>:
[QUOTE]8 months it's too fast, it took me a while to decide to marry my fiance, the first 1-2 years are like a honeymoon, then everything changes and is different and challenging, if you make it after this period 1-2 more years, then you say you are ready to get married.......only my opinion after dating fiance for almost 6 years and coming from divorced parents.....
Posted by carlaspeed[/QUOTE]

 Everyone is different......maybe for you it was too fast, but other might now sooner than that if they want to get married.    I knew after about a year that I wanted to marry my husband.    There is no right or wrong time period...you will know when you are ready..

Julephenia

I had a Freudian slip about FI 6 weeks into the relationship to my MOH. We were at her brother's wedding, and I said, "I don't drink, but {FI's name} does, so I guess we'll have champagne at the wedding." She just stared at me.

As for your friend, OP... about the only thing you can do is be there to pick up the pieces if it all falls apart.