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Everyone with Dates? Long

As many of you know I am getting married this coming NYE.  The wedding which is IMO large 200ppl is costing me and FI a boat load of money.  Both sets of parents are helping but we are covering more than half.  FI thinks that anyone thats not engaged or married should not come with a date.  This would mean, most cousins would come single.  FMIL is pissed. After FI told her last night that cousins did not get dates, she procliamed that then they would have A LOT of declines on their side bc of this.  He explained that this would add 10 ppl on their side atleast and 10 ppl on myside atleast and that we just couldnt afford it. I have 2 BM who will bring dates bc they have been dating BF for 5 years.  Most goomsmen are married 2 are cousins and very single. The rest of my BP is single or married and they know they can bring dates.  Can I get some opinions on this?  FMIL is hella pissed and I dont know if she is right in her thinking or if she isnt how I can smooth things over.

Re: Everyone with Dates? Long

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    edited December 2011

    We personally invited everyone with a date, we thought they would have more fun with dates. Many of our single dates did opt to not bring a date.
    I have been to weddings where I wasn't invited with a date (wasn't dating FI at the time) and it was fine.

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    edited December 2011
    Ettiquette says it's rude not to invite people with a guest.  I agree you will get declines.

    Look at it this way, if they bring dates, they will probably give you a bigger gift that will help with the added cost.

    Or perhaps, limit the date thing to people that you know for a fact that are not dating anyone.
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    edited December 2011
    If you can't afford it and his parents are going to flip the bill for this, then I wouldn't worry about it.  I would say only people who are married, engaged or in a serious relationship should get a date.  Other then that I wouldn't worry about it.
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    edited December 2011
    Are you inviting the rest of your guests with "and dates"?  If so, then you absolutely need to invite everyone and date.

    Truthfully because it is NYE I think you should allow everyone to bring a date.  Yes, this will cost more for you but it's NYE.
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    LolyalyssaLolyalyssa member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Just sit down with her in person, tell her that right now you can't afford it and that its no dates.  Maybe it will change as it gets closer to the wedding and you can change your policy depending on how RSVP's come back.
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    mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I would just tell FMIL that it wouldn't work with your budget, but if she can help out financially then you'll do it. (Better yet, your FI should tell her, so you don't look like the bad guy.)
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    edited December 2011
    agree with caketime. it's NYE people will feel awkward without a date
    *~allie~*

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    edited December 2011
    This is a big issue with my mother. She's separated and until recently not dating anyone. She is EXTREMELY insulted if she's invited to a wedding without a guest. For my wedding, we invited anyone over 18 with a guest regardless of if they were in a relationship or not. I feel like some people might feel more comfortable if they are able to bring a guest and want people to  have fun.
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    edited December 2011

    I also agree with caketime - because it's NYE it does change things a bit. 

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    edited December 2011
    If it were any other night (well, except maybe Valentine's), I'd say don't worry about it... but NYE is different ... so I kind of agree with her...
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    Danes983Danes983 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Let me clarify, bc I re-read what I wrote and I mistyped.  Any of the Bridemaids who dont have BF know they CAN NOT bring a date and seem to be fine with it bc they will all have fun as single girls.  The only people that can bring dates is if they are married, engaged or if they have been dating for 2 years or more.  All of my college friends will be coming without dates. I know it totally sucks. I just dont know where we would get the $ from. They are already helping and I dont want to ask for more.  But also, why should I have to uninvite friends i want there so cousin whoever can bring her latest fling?  I guess we are both being selfish about it.
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    edited December 2011
    WOW I'm sorry but you are being horribly selfish if you are not giving the option to your BP to have dates.  I understand you need to draw a line but that is harsh.  Of course they are going to be fine with it because that is what a BP does.  Say oh it's no problem but I can guarantee you they are not happy about it.  This is going to sound very snarky but you should have budgeted better to allow everyone to bring a guest because it is NYE.  Any other wedding day if you cannot afford to do "and guests" you cannot afford to do so but it being NYE does change things.

    As for the FMIL issue you just need to tell her what your line is and that's that.  If you make exceptions for them you have to make the exception for everyone. 


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    Danes983Danes983 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Caketime:

    As I said some of the BP has dates bc they are married or have been dating for a long time, others dont bc they are single single single for 5 years single.  So are you suggesting t hat i should allow them to bring a random person to the wedding just bc they are in the bridal party?  I just would find it annoying to have to babysit someone who didnt know anyone at the wedding especially if I was in the bridal party and wanted to have a fun time.
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    uppereastgirluppereastgirl member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    At the very least, anyone in a relationship should be invited with their dates.  You can make the call on whether you want to allow every single person to bring a date.  
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    jtheissjtheiss member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Your wedding is almost a year away, people's romantic situations can change a lot between now and then, so making hard and fast decisions now as to who can and cannot bring a date IN A YEAR is just silly. Wail until it's closer to invitation time to make these decisions. If I were you, I would start pinching a few more pennies to be able to invite everyone with a date. I think it's horribly rude to tell people they can't bring a date unless they have been dating for two years or more. FI and I got engaged after only 1.5 years of dating, so by your logic I wouldn't have been able to bring my fiance to your wedding because we hadn't been together for more than two years. That's just ridiculous, in my opinion. I think most people who aren't in a relationship won't bring a date just to bring one, so it's not like every single person who gets invited will also bring a date. But it's very rude to make these decisions on behalf of your guests who may be in a relationship and want to spend NYE with that person. If I had to choose between coming to your wedding and spending NYE with my current BF/GF, I would say screw you and do what I want to do.
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_everyone-dates-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:5b0d20d4-7174-4f7d-b08b-b59ef7861e15Post:212dce0c-538f-45b4-8ee7-be5c59b2c1eb">Re: Everyone with Dates? Long</a>:
    [QUOTE]Caketime: As I said some of the BP has dates bc they are married or have been dating for a long time, others dont bc they are single single single for 5 years single.  So are you suggesting t hat i should allow them to bring a random person to the wedding just bc they are in the bridal party?  I just would find it annoying to have to babysit someone who didnt know anyone at the wedding especially if I was in the bridal party and wanted to have a fun time.
    Posted by Danes983[/QUOTE]

    Yes, absolutely!  Anyone in your BP and GP should be allowed to bring a date.  If they choose not to because they do not want to babysit them that is their choice. 

    And if I was in a 6-month relationship deciding between NYE with my BF/GF and your wedding you bet your stars I will not be at your wedding.  You have a year to go.  Try to save up so people in relationships can bring someone and hopefully everyone else can have the option. 

    Coming to a wedding single = not so much fun unless I know lots of people.
    Coming to a wedding single on NYE = HELL
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    LolyalyssaLolyalyssa member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Oh its New Years Eve (I was slow on the uptake).

    It's such a date night.  Can you pinch pennies anywhere else so that you can allow people to bring guests?  I think you should really try to allow guests if you can.

    Can you change the type of flowers? Downgrade a limo?  Something....
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    melissa82melissa82 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_everyone-dates-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:5b0d20d4-7174-4f7d-b08b-b59ef7861e15Post:18f05932-e1cd-4c16-a689-b71fe1eee237">Re: Everyone with Dates? Long</a>:
    [QUOTE]The only people that can bring dates is if they are married, engaged or if they have been dating for 2 years or more. Posted by Danes983[/QUOTE]

    So a 1-year relationship isn't good enough? I think that sounds a little crazy... Anyone in a relationship should be invited with a date. If it's been 2 weeks, I could see not inviting that person with a guest, but I don't think it's fair to put an arbitrary number like 2 years on it. And chances are, there's a bunch of people that you won't know how long they've been in relationships for. I also think all BP members should be invited with a guest. Not only is being in a BP expensive, but they're doing a lot for you and sacrificing their time. The least you could do is invite them with guests.

    Being that our wedding was on NYE, we invited everyone with a guest (aside from teenage cousins or older widows [depending on the person...my grandma would never want a date, her sister definitely did, etc.]). I was surprised that a lot of single people opted to not bring a date, but I think they all appreciated the option. BUT if you want the declines, then go ahead with your plan but expect more declines and more headaches from people calling and asking to bring a date--it WILL happen. Personally, I would cut the guest list to allow for guests.
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    cknud112cknud112 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It is my opinion that all adults should be invited to weddings with a "plus one".  If they don't want to bring someone for whatever reason, they will come alone, but they should be given the option.
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    Lola MinnieLola Minnie member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My friend pulled the card of only inviting people in serious relationships, engaged, or married and I found it ridiculous.

    I would suggest you cut your guest list to accomodate more guests. But my best thought is that you have almost a year, do whatever you can to save additional $ per month.  If you can avoid going out to dinner, bars, bringing your own lunch to work, whatever, it will all help.
    I don't think it is fair whether it is NYE or any old day of the week to not invite adults without a guest.
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    leah2bleah2b member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Had a friend that did not allow dates for people that were not engaged/married and didn't allow her BP to do it.  Other friend that was in the BP and was seriously dating a guy for about 6 months STILL talks about it to this day when the wedding topic comes up (and its been years). I know its hard when you are footing the bill yourself, but I have to say that you very likely will offend some people. Keep in mind that many people that are not seriously dating someone will likely show up alone anyway, especially if they know other people going to the wedding.

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    Partymixx27Partymixx27 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If you're fortunate enough to have your parents pay for half, and you still have almost a year to go to save, I would give all adults the option of a +1 on NYE.  It doesn't mean they're all gonna bring someone.   Chances are if they know other people and they're not dating anyone seriously they won't even bother, I wouldn't want to entertain a "flavor of the week" either as a guest so I doubt they're going to do that.  And I'd be pretty pissed if I were in a 1-year relationship with someone serious but I couldn't bring them.  If you wanted a NYE wedding, be prepared to pay the costs of having  it on that night.  Your choice.  Try to work something out with your FMIL, maybe they can also help with the costs of your cousin's guests if they are so adamant about it.   And like  User pointed out, those that bring a guest will hopefully cover the cost in monetary gifts so it'll alll even out in the end.
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    edited December 2011
    Personally,

    I agree you need to draw a line somewhere. I  think it's rude of THEM to bring a random person who they're  not even dating to your wedding.

    That said, it being NYE, if they are dating someone (imagine you were not engaged but with the same person for 3 yrs), it in unfair to exclude them. Especially members of your BP 
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    Danes983Danes983 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks ladies, I appreciate the opinions. The 2 BM who are in the wedding and single could care less about a date because they dont want to bring the flavor of the week. So I know its not because " thats what the BP does" answer for them. So I am thinking your right in everyone may not bring a date. I will def reconsider anyone who started dating within 6 months and see if FI will budge on this.  As far as the eveyone gets a date. I think I will stand strong that unless they have  significant other they wont be invited with 1.  This of course would be different it it was someone who didnt know anyone, but anyone on my list or FI list all know eachother because we have been friends for a long time. I appreciate  the feedback. I will move the finance around a bit and see where we are. This is why i love the knot. negative feedback is always important.
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    Deener713Deener713 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would invite with a guest unless they are younger and not serious. I know it can be expensive but most people won't bring a date unless they are serious about the person.
    But it is still your choice and your FMIL shouldn't be mad!!
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    kewltifkewltif member
    First Anniversary First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    This was a big issue for us.  I literally changed my mind five times in the process and the plus ones would go back in the excel sheet and then they would come back off.  The problem was, when I added people with random dates my guest list just got ridiculously large.

    My "rule" was you had to be dating. I don't care if it was for a month.  It just had to be a person that they were currently dating.  I know I would have been really insulted if I was dating DH for a year or two and not invited to a wedding because we weren't married yet.

    Rules are made to be broken right?  I had a lot of people call and ask to bring dates.  People I had never even met (so how serious could you be?).  I let everyone but ONE who was just super obnoxious about it and an irritating person in general.  He wanted to find someone on myspace to bring and we sort of have a bickering relationship to begin with so I told him no.

    All of my bridal party was invited with guests.  They are shelling out a lot of money to be a part of your day, the least you can do is give them the option of having someone there.
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