Asking out of town cousin to be in bridal party

dadaguza

Hi again!

So we are thinking about all the people we would like to include in our bridal party and what would be the best way to go about asking them..

I have a cousin whom I consider one of my favorite relatives. I was in her bridal party, but at the time she lived much closer. Since her wedding, she has moved to Pittsburgh and has become a mom of 2. We rarely see each other now and mainly communicate via facebook, whereas back in the day we were closer (distance-wise and relationship-wise) and even traveled together. I still adore her, and would love to ask her to be one of my bridesmaids but I'm wondering if this would just be a big pain for her since she lives so far and has 2 little ones to tend to. What would be the best way to ask her without making her feel obligated and making it clear that if she says No, I'd be ok with it? I don't wanna say something like "You don't have to if you don't want to.." because that almost implies that I want her to say no when it's quite the contrary.

Thanks again everyone!

kasabby

I would just be honest with her. Tell her that you want her to be a part of your day--whether she does a reading or she is a bridesmaid but you also understand that she has other things going on and you don't want her to feel burdened. If you guys are close, I don't think it will be awkward.

Reilly626

I would ask her, its an honor, say exactly what you said... she is a favorite relative and you would love her in it, I would never say no to that!

SpillerExtraordinaire

I planned my NJ wedding from Pittsburgh and I had few problems.  My BMs were in NJ, CO, and AZ.  I'm also a BM for a wedding in NJ and it has been no problem for me.  As for the kids, I can't speak to how difficult that may be.  The way I see it is the BMs are the people you want there to support you and people that mean something to you so it might be worthwhile to ask her for her input if she means that much to you.

mbcdefg

Just ask her and see what she says.

If she says that time/distance is a conern, remind her that all a bridesmaid is obligated to do is get the dress and come to the wedding day.

If she says that money is a concern, remind her that you will be asking all the BMs for their budgets before you all talk about dress styles (call each BM privately and ask her what she can afford to spend), and you will find out what budget you need to stay within. And you will let them wear their own jewelry (or buy it for them) and they can wear shoes of their choice in an easy-to-find neutral color. And you can offer to help out with expenses if you are willing and able to, although you don't have to.

If she still says no, just respect her wishes and let it go. It sucks if she says no, but she has the right to do so. You can always offer to let her do a reading like PP said.

uppereastgirl

I agree with the others.  Tell her that you'd love for her to be part of it, but understand that it could be a burden.  

I'd imagine that she'll want to be part of your day anyway.  Worse comes to worse, she won't make your shower and/or bachelorette party -- but that isn't a huge deal.  I'd imagine that either way she'll be at your wedding, so it won't be that much more difficult for her to be a bridesmaid than just a guest.

My MOH moved to London about a year before my wedding, and another bridesmaid lives in DC, and it all worked out.  I was the MOH when my MOH lived in London and got married in Italy, and that worked out too.  I swear that my friends are in wedding parties all over the country all the time.  Nowadays people move all over the place so I don't think it is uncommon for girls to have wedding parties that are spread out geographically.  Kids make it a bit tougher, but I'm sure she'll be honored to be asked -- and it is nice of you to let her know that you know it may be tough but she's special to you and you want her there.

Julephenia

3 out of 4 of my BMs are out of state, and one is a mom. It'll work out!

dadaguza

Thanks again everyone!

I think I will go with all your advice and just ask her. The only thing I would expect of her would be to show up.. I'd even pay for her dress, although she would not let me.. and it's funny because I was talking to my mom the other day and told her it would be totally fine if she couldn't make it to the shower and/or bach party.

I agree it's an honor to be asked.. I was honored when she asked me. My thing is I know expenses come with it so I always hate to make anyone feel burdened, esp with this economy. I have another friend whom I want to ask but she lost her job. Even though I always told her that I'd want her to be in my wedding someday now I'm a little hesitant....