New Jersey

You give what you get?

I've always heard, "you give what you get and you get what you give", meaning if you give someone $300 for their wedding, you'll get $300 at your wedding. 
However, FI's cousin is getting married for the 2nd time in a wedding/baptism with a reception the following day at their house a week after our wedding at a private venue (FI and I are footing the entire bill). We're in completely different stages of our lives so I'm curious if we simply give them whatever they give us the following weekend? The same question goes for a wedding we're attending a few weeks after ours where the plates cost more than ours but we know the couple's parents footed the bill. Thoughts?
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Re: You give what you get?

  • bereasonable2bereasonable2 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Isn't the parents footing the bill sort of like their "gift" to the kids?  I don't see why that should matter.  I would just do the whole "give what you get" thing.

    Here's what I do -
    $100 per person for a buffet wedding minimum
    $150 per person for a "sit down" wedding minimum

    It also depends on how tight we are.  If I feel like the couple is cheaping out, I might give less.

    Most of my friends are already married, so we'll see if they "give what they got" or give me more or less.  LOL
  • edited December 2011
    I personally hate the idea of "you give the amount you think it costs".  If my best friend got married in a simple backyard wedding, I'm going to give her a bigger gift than if someone I am friendly but not super close with got married on a Saturday night in prime wedding season at the W.

    I think comparing what you got from them as a wedding gift to what you're thinking of giving to be a valid point, but it should still also depend on the stage in your life and where you are financially with what you can afford to give.
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  • edited December 2011
    I also believe in the "you give what you get" rule - to an extent of course. If someone really has no money and they don't give you a huge gift, I may give them a bit more than they give you, if you can afford it, but I wouldn't go overboard on a gift for them. I also don't think who pays for a wedding should matter on how much of a gift you give the couple - I always cover my plate, no matter who is paying for it. I wouldn't give someone more or less depending on who is footing the bill - plus, you don't always know who is really contributing.
     
    I think a lot of people give a gift depending on the type of wedding, whether they admit it or not. I've given one friend $200 because she had a really cheap wedding (it was actually one of the worst weddings I've ever been to - my chicken was still pink, there was no cocktail hour, and it was a cash bar - which we were not informed of until we ordered our drinks at the bar....so my gift was really overly generous looking back - and they are divorced now to top it off), and another friend who had a very nice wedding at a country club and I gave her $350. I know some people are going to just give what they always give no matter what, but a lot of people are generally aware of the cost of types of weddings - and I think they give a gift accordingly.
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  • Danes983Danes983 member
    1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I am a firm believer on you give what you get.  However, for a 2nd marriage I am tossed.  If you already shelled out $300 the first time, should you really be obligated to give another $300? I duno, I would do maybe $200 in that case.  As far as the difference between a buffet and a sit down, I totally disagree on the price difference.  Buffets are typically more because there is less food control.  Plus, I had a station/buffet wedding and there was a hell of a ot more food served than a 1 plate sit down.  They say you should "cover your plate" as a rule of thumb, but if Suzy decides to have a $200++pp wedding thats not my problem. No way are they getting $500 from me unless they are very close friends or family.
  • edited December 2011
    i believe in you give what you get...however to avoid the awkwardness, when DH and I got married, we had 5 weddings around the same time. We made deals with the other couples that we would all just give cards and do dinner dates together to avoid the i'll give you $ this week and you give it back in a month thing. i am in a wedding in a month and I know that they are not paying a ton per plate but i plan to still gift as I do for other weddings.
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  • edited December 2011
    I believe in you give what you get however we are the last ones to get married out or our friends so we will see if they return the favor.  We only gave $200 to one couple b/c we had to fly to chicago and my FI was in the wedding so we spent a lot of money on traveling and hotel rooms.  Our standard is pretty much $300.
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  • cindyn9178cindyn9178 member
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_give?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:621d21e6-8783-4dcf-a257-179978534f2bPost:b189086d-ca6a-47e8-8565-a8c454dce6c6">Re: You give what you get?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am a firm believer on you give what you get.  However, for a 2nd marriage I am tossed.  If you already shelled out $300 the first time, should you really be obligated to give another $300? I duno, I would do maybe $200 in that case.  As far as the difference between a buffet and a sit down, I totally disagree on the price difference.  Buffets are typically more because there is less food control.  Plus, I had a station/buffet wedding and there was a hell of a ot more food served than a 1 plate sit down.  They say you should "cover your plate" as a rule of thumb, <strong>but if Suzy decides to have a $200++pp wedding thats not my problem.</strong> No way are they getting $500 from me unless they are very close friends or family.
    Posted by Danes983[/QUOTE]

    This exactly!! I can only afford a certain amount of money to give as a gift, so if the couple is having a very expensive wedding (or what would be expensive for me), that doesn't mean I can afford to give them a larger gift. All of my friends are already married, so we'll see if they match what I gave them. Had it been the other way around, I would try to match what they had given me, but if it was <u>way more</u> than I could afford, then I would just give what I could give.

    I've also decided to just start being the bigger person and not expecting much from other people. I always try to be as generous as possible when giving gifts, whether it is a wedding, bridal shower, birthday, whatever. But in return, they rarely "match" the favor.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://northjersey.weddings.com/main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_give?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:621d21e6-8783-4dcf-a257-179978534f2bPost:b189086d-ca6a-47e8-8565-a8c454dce6c6">Re: You give what you get?</a>:
    [QUOTE] As far as the difference between a buffet and a sit down, I totally disagree on the price difference.  Buffets are typically more because there is less food control.  Plus, I had a station/buffet wedding and there was a hell of a ot more food served than a 1 plate sit down. 
    Posted by Danes983[/QUOTE]

    I have to agree here...we are doing a "stations" wedding and we are having a ridiculous amount of food, way more than would have been served if we did a sit-down dinner.  It is also costing us way more than the venue charges for a sit down dinner for this same reason. 
  • uppereastgirluppereastgirl member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I do not believe in this at all.  What is the point in giving a gift if you're really just passing the same amount of money back and forth?  That's an interest-free loan. 

    Give what makes sense in light of your financial situation and relationship with the couple.  If your best friend gives you a $500 gift for your wedding but you really can only afford to spend $200 for her wedding, that is fine.  And you should not be mad if she only gives you a $200 gift if that's what she can afford.  I think it is kind of petty to spend less on her than friends of comparable closeness just because she couldn't be as generous to you.

    Same with covering your plate.  You should not know or inquire into what your friends are paying for their weddings.  It is not very nice to give a friend a smaller gift because s/he could only afford a simpler wedding, and to give a bigger gift to a comparably close friend who had a major blowout paid for by his/her parents.   You are not paying admission.  You are giving a gift to commemorate an important milestone. 
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  • ginabean82ginabean82 member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I don't think it should matter who is paying for the wedding.  You mean you would give someone less money just because their parents paid for it?  I don't think
     that is right. 

    Also we are having a buffet style dinner, and it costs exactly the same price if we were to have a sit down dinner.  We chose the buffet style dinner because that is what we like better...we personally hate sit down dinners, but that is just us. 

    All in all, you should give what you can afford to give, and it should symbolize your relationship with the people getting married. 
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  • edited December 2011
    Thank you ladies for your help! We haven't attended many weddings before, so it's good to have as many opinions as possible. :)
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  • edited December 2011
    I give what I can afford at the time. I haven't been to many weddings as an adult (maybe 5?) but the amount has ranged from $85 to $300 (per couple). The $85 per couple I gave when I first started working full time and I had just started to date the person I brought so I didn't ask them to bring to contribute to the gift. I also was not close with the bride and groom and haven't spoke to them since so I'm not too upset that I only have that amount for two people. 

    I think that the amount I give will always depend on current budget -- if I am working extra hours, if I have many events going on at that time, etc..
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