Sad face today...

apfoster05

So yesterday I had a knock down drag out with my mom and stepdad about a decision that my FI and I made about our wedding/HM. And now they are being indian-givers and taking back all the money that they gave us for the wedding.

They went and got the deposit back on the reception, so we no longer have our reception site, my mom bought my dress bc she said if i couldnt fit into hers she would buy me mine and so shes not letting me have the dress...luckily i gave the photographer the deposit so that is still there, but everything else is gone and i cant afford their part sooooo

here it is six months before my wedding and it has fallen apart and I'm having to start over, bc we didnt argee on something for my wedding day.

I understand that they didnt want that but this is my day and I really dont think that if they are giving me money it should come with strings attached...

So now I'm starting over, luckily the place i wanted to have my wedding and reception is owned by my aunt and uncle and they really want us to have it there, so we are. Out on a farm where i've wanted to do it for a long time!


i need some major help and im pretty sure im having a breakdown!

jrsturde

Holy crap that's crazy!!!  I'm so sorry they're doing this!  My mom gets a say in stuff because she gave me the money for the wedding but I get the final decision.  I'm really glad your aunt and uncle are on your side!  Hopefully everything will turn out fine and your mom and stepdad will feel like real idiots.

apfoster05

she went so far as to saying she didnt want to be at my wedding and at that point i was so mad i just said ok...thats fine but one my wedding day when everyone is getting ready and all your friends and family are coming, and my brothers are leaving to come walk me down the isle, you will be sad that you arent there to experience this with me and then years later it will be the biggest mistake of your life!

CJ4578

Oh no! That's definitely stressful, I'm sorry you have to go through that. What was the issue about, if you don't mind my asking? My mother is paying for photography, and frequently says things like "well I AM paying $X.XX for your wedding, so I DO get a say." Generally we diffuse this with calm conversations about how we're so appreciative, etc, but that this decision (whatever she's harping about) is SO important to us (and if I'm being bratty I will mention that she was married 3 times so she's HAD her turn to make the calls.) I know that doesn't work for everyone- It's always tricky with parents who are contributing because they do expect to have their say and they have that power over you with the money... and they know it. In my mother's day, her mother and grandmother planned her first two weddings with no input from her, because that was how it was done. She realizes things are different but sometimes slips back into the "old days" way of thinking which causes problems.

Is there any kind of compromise you could work out with your mom after you two have both had some time to think about it? Does your mother know that without her help you might not be able to have a wedding? (Though it looks like you still have a site, so yay!) I know if many moms realized that them yanking funds away would mean there would be an elopement that wouldn't include them, they would reconsider.

I hope your situation gets better soon. Keep us posted!

Edit: Just saw your post about your mom saying she wouldn't come to your wedding... which is horrible- I am so sorry! Hopefully she'll calm down and realize that she DOES want to be there.

grace_uga

Wow - that is a really hard situation and I'm sorry you're experiencing it.  I don't know what to say besides that I hope she calms down and realizes that decisions you make about your wedding are to represent yourself and your future husband - they are not intended to offend or upset them.  Please keep us posted and if there is any help I can offer about making your wedding magical on less money, I will certainly try.

Hugs!

momofayden

What was the decision that is so terrible to cause this?

katherineUTC

That is really heart-breaking. I cant believe your parents would be that selfish. I mean, I could even understand THREATENING, out of anger, to take back the money or something, but to actually DO it? Really? Wow. They are acting like bratty children not getting their way, and are trying to ruin the most important day of your life. Over what? (im curious too what the issue POSSIBLY could have been)? I mean unless you were planning a sacrificial goat killing or something at the ceremony, what is their excuse... My heart really goes out to you. I understand where you are coming from also because my parents aren't speaking to me right now because they think we were not 'grateful enough' to them for paying for half the wedding.

Hopefully your aunt and uncle can work through this with you, maybe set up a payment plan or something for the venue?

apfoster05

welll  my Fi and I went ahead and paid for our honeymoon! And they are mad that we could outright pay for our honeymoon 4K and we couldnt pay more for our wedding and the fact that we have that to pay for a HM must mean we are rolling in money....

The venue is free and i think it may end up being better than i thought!

CJ4578

Wait that's it- they're mad that you paid for your honeymoon? So they're trying to destroy your wedding/their relationship with you over that? That's horrible! I mean it was horrible before but still. They offered you the money and I assume didn't just tell you that since they were helping with the wedding you couldn't do anything financially ever again.

SO sorry again that you have to deal with this.

LBM7189

WOW!   So sorry you are dealing with this drama!  It does sound a little ridiculous though.........I guess you have learned an early lesson:  after you get married, keep your financial affairs private from family!

I know it is heartbreaking, but do you think you can let your mom calm down and you 2 can have a sit down and work it out?  My parents both have giving me money, and my FI and I put in our shares too.  We have not really had any fights over money, so I don't know what advice to give.  But, I agree, your mom is going to regret not being a part of this moment in your life.

apfoster05

yeah apparently i have to "consult with them whenever i want to make a big purchase". I dont know whether to be mad or upset!

CJ4578

You're getting married- you're an adult! That money they gave you was for the wedding, and unless the specifically said "you may not spend $$ on a honeymoon" (and even then) they have no legs to stand on. I would be mad and upset.

The main thing I would focus on right now is that you're are getting married to a wonderful guy who's going to stand by you and yes, your mom and stepdad will regret not being a part of that.

Good luck and I hope things work out- Knottie vibes!

apfoster05

i didnt spend the money they gave my on our honeymoon....I spent our money!!!!

tarheels1

That's really sad...I'm so sorry!  Did you and your parents have any conversations beforehand about what they expected you to contribute???  Maybe you could just sit down and try and explain that HM is part of the wedding expenses and that you and FI decided to handle that on your own so that they wouldn't have to contribute to that.  I'd also just reiterate how hurtful it is to you that she would miss your wedding day, etc over an argument about money. 

Let us know how we can help you in your planning/budgeting and keep us posted!

keserzan

Bless your heart! I have a feeling that your Mom is just letting this whole "my baby is getting married" stuff sink in, and she's trying to have some control over the whole situation. She probably expected you to have a honeymoon, but because now it's real, and it's something YOU paid for for YOU and your husband to go on, which doesn't include her, she's freaking out a little. I would try to sit down with her in a day or so after you both calm down and have a "come to Jesus" meeting with her and try to settle her nerves that you hadn't had plans to grow up and forget her, but if she continues to act this way, you'd have no other option but to distance yourself from her and her behavior. Hopefully everything will work out well because I know you don't want to lose a relationship with anyone over this. But in the end, you'll have a HUSBAND (!!!) and that's really what it's all about anyway. Good luck sweetie!

midnite007x

yay for your aunt and uncle and it sounds like your wedding is going to be a beautiful day on the farm, that will be so gorgeous!

i have a feeling and really hope that things between you and your parents will be worked out by your wedding day. maybe you can sit down and talk in a few days. it is a really silly thing for them to be upset with you about and even say they aren't coming to your wedding. i really hope you are all able to resolve this for the better.

sundrop24

I didn't expect the problem to be over paying for your HM!!!!!!
Nuts, I agree with pp. Might be "letting my baby go" situation and your mom wanting control of the decision/planning process.  Ahh. I hope they come around and everything cools down between yall.  Be glad that you do have a HM planned and now the venue is free.... how awesome is that??!! 

momofayden

I would let it sit for a few days to a week or 2, then try speaking with her to understand exactly what she is upset about.  It sounds like maybe she feels used (not that she is) and got mad at you because you made a financial investment without herand she felt you should have spent the money towards something else. She needs to communicate better with you about her expectations, and yours to her.  That way there should hopefully be no more misunderstandings in the future to cause such hurt feelings.  Weddings are super stressful.  Hopefully you can patch this up quickly and move forward with your planning .  Take a deep breath,  in the end everything will work out.  If she decides to pull her money then you could always do a destination wedding at your honeymoon location if you can't get things to fall into place.

andrea01012009

I'd cancel the whole darn wedding and get married at the honeymoon site and show them just who's BOSS HOGG...

midnite007x

i so just caught a glimpse of bo and luke diving accross the car to jump in through the window....i tried this once when i was younger and it is not as easy as it looks!!!

alliegator8

Wow, that is horrible and disgusting.  If they are giving you money for the wedding, what does it matter what it is spent on or what things cost.  They are giving you a gift!  It's wrong on so many levels.

I think time will heal some of the wounds, but I think you need to remember this, don't forget it.  Remember, this is your day, not hers.  Plan it out exactly how you want it, pay for it on your own.  Don't take her money.  FI and I decided to do everything on our own just for this reason.  We didn't want anyone to tell us what we could or could not do.  We are doing the wedding an a very very small budget. So you can definitely pull it off.

That is wonderful of your Aunt and Uncle to let you use their farm.  Definitely play up the beauty of the outdoors.  It's free decorations!

Let us know if there is anything we can help you with.

lusher

I hate that you're going through this.  Hopefully, with a little time, she'll come around.

shigaites

I agree with Andrea.  I'd just elope at the honeymoon site

CaptiolBride

I know I'm kind of late reading this..but I hope everything worked out!!