Rehearsal Dinner Etiquette (VERY Long..SORRY!)

dsulewski

Sorry this is going to be a long (and probably confusing post). I appreciate any of you who take the time to read this and can help me out!

My FMIL wants me to start making a list of guests for the rehearsal dinner (We're getting married March 19). I know family wise who will be invited on my side.

But, when it comes to out-of-town guests, FI's family (this is their first big wedding so they have no clue on this either), and a step-sister situation I'm completely lost.

What is the etiquette for inviting OOT guests to the rehearsal dinner? FYI we are having a fairly big wedding (we're guaranteeing the venue 200 people) I really would rather this rehearsal dinner not turn into a small wedding of its own!

If it helps, these are some of my specific guests I have questions about:

I'm assuming yes to these two situations because they are coming from a distance and have no connection to NJ at all
-My college roommates from Michigan
-Old neighbors of FI's that moved to Chicago

Other:
-Family friends of ours (this one gets a big tricky...) Majority of the family moved to Wisconsin and one of them married and moved to Tennessee (I wasn't even invited to this wedding even though me and FI were together for 5 years). They all have a connection to NJ (all grew up here, but now all they have here are friends) and they all will be coming (they all booked their tickets already). Do we have to invite this entire family (about 10 people) to the rehearsal dinner? .....sorry if that was completely confusing, I didn't really know how to explain it well.

-FI's Aunt who moved to Alabama and her adult step-kids. They will probably be flying into NY where FI's family is and spending a few extra days visiting since they haven't been up here since October. I feel weird inviting her and her family to the rehearsal dinner and not all the other aunts and uncles (but according to FI she's "an out of town guest"). FI's Aunt's son is actually in the wedding party too if that makes a difference.

Are you guys still with me? If you are...THANK YOU! I'm almost done!

FI has an extremely large (and fairly close family...who sometimes get jealous if you leave them out of things) He has 6 aunts and uncles on each side and about 20 first cousins. Who all gets invited to the rehearsal dinner? FI has his 3 cousins as groomsmen.

I think FI thinks that because I'm inviting 2 of my 2nd cousins and their parents as well as my one set of aunt and uncles that he has to invite all his as well, but I don't have a large family at all and honestly the people that I would invite to the rehearsal dinner I am extremely close to (my cousins are the only ones I really have and they are like sisters) and these would be the people I would take to an island if we were having an intimate destination wedding.

Okay, one last question. What do I do about my "step-sister" (please excuse the quotes but I HATE that I have to call her that.....long, dramatic story). I am not close to her AT ALL and rarely see her (I don't think she even knows FI's name to be honest). I know I should probably invite her because by law she's family but I honestly would not be upset, as well as my siblings would not be, if she weren't there.

Sorry again for the extremely long post. Being only 2 months and change away from the wedding, the stress is starting to build and I'm trying not to nag my family members that have been through this all with all my questions!

mbcdefg

It's not mandatory to invite OOT guests to the rehearsal dinner. You're not obligated to entertain them aside from your reception.

You need to invite the immediate family members (parents, siblings, maybe grandparents if they can make it), and people that you've asked to participate in the rehearsal (bridal party, child attendants and their parents, ushers, readers, if you're asking Communion bearers, if you're asking friends to sing or perform for you). And the officiant. Plus everyone's significant other or the date that they're bringing to the wedding. (You do not need to invite hired musicians or the church organist.)

The step-sister ... your call. I would consult your family on that one. If it'll avoid a fight, invite her, but if you can get away with it then don't invite her. I would just be sure to keep the dinner quiet and not make a big deal out it, so people don't get offended.  

I think it's nice if you invite OOT guests to the dinner, but you certainly don't have to. I've never seen it done in real life aside from this board. I've attended several out-of-town weddings myself and I was only invited to the dinner once, because MH was a groomsman and attended the rehearsal. I don't expect the couple to entertain me during my whole trip ... I'm an adult. I can go out and find something to do/eat on my own, or order something from my hotel room if I'm hungry and don't want to go out. If I really didn't want to be alone for my whole trip, I'd either schedule my trip so that I was only there for the wedding and not any time before/afterward, or I'd just decline the wedding entirely.

felicia220

Same as PP, I had never seen OOT guests invited to a RD until this board.  We didn't do OOT guests for the same reason you are writing this, which is that we didn't want it to be a mini wedding.  We had quite a few people from OOT and it was mostly my side.  My MIL paid for it and I guess a part of me felt bad having her pay for 30 extra people.  We just did immediate family and anyone involved in the actually wedding.  I also agree that the Step Sister thing is your call. 

kristen8040

If you can afford it, I would.  It's a nice gesture for people coming a long way.

felicia220

Same as PP, I had never seen OOT guests invited to a RD until this board.  We didn't do OOT guests for the same reason you are writing this, which is that we didn't want it to be a mini wedding.  We had quite a few people from OOT and it was mostly my side.  My MIL paid for it and I guess a part of me felt bad having her pay for 30 extra people.  We just did immediate family and anyone involved in the actually wedding.  I also agree that the Step Sister thing is your call. 

dsulewski

Thanks for hanging in there and reading the whole thing girls. I appreciate your feedback tremendously!!! I know FI and his Mom may fight me about this but oh well.

Tara2316

We just had immediate family members (parent, siblings + s/o's), grandparents, and bridal party. Don't worry about inviting all OOT guests. It'll be too much.

jcg98

I remember reading - I think on this board - about someone who arranged something low-key (not dinner, passed hors d'ouevres I think) in their hotel restaurant/bar for OOT guests NOT invited to the RD.  I thought that was a great idea because it's a nod to the people traveling a distance, and a mini-party that bride and groom can join in to greet the guests after the RD.  Food for thought - no pun intended. 

kwilkinson14

I am also having a lot of OOT guests as most of my friends are going to be traveling from DC to NJ. I am not going to invite them to the RD. I am only going to be inviting immediate family, BP, and their SO. The only time I heard of people being invited to the RD was when I came to this board. My FI and I want the RD to be something that is just for our family and BP where we get to relax and talk without all the chaos and hectic activity on the wedding day.

dsulewski

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_rehearsal-dinner-etiquette-very-longsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:883bf363-4bd9-4d38-bfe4-33b936ccc5c8Post:68128a71-0655-4cbe-a56a-e5fef2dc4c50">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Etiquette (VERY Long..SORRY!)</a>:
[QUOTE]I remember reading - I think on this board -<strong> about someone who arranged something low-key (not dinner, passed hors d'ouevres I think) in their hotel restaurant/bar for OOT guests NOT invited to the RD</strong>.  I thought that was a great idea because it's a nod to the people traveling a distance, and a mini-party that bride and groom can join in to greet the guests after the RD.  Food for thought - no pun intended.  :)
Posted by jcg98[/QUOTE]


This sounds like a great idea!!! Thanks so much for bringing it to my attention, that may be a great compromise for us :)

OH! And I'm a GIants fan too and my FI is obsessed with the Steelers! Looks like we have something in common

jcg98

LOL that's awesome!  The last 3 weeks for the G-Men, not so much, but at least the Steelers are still alive. 

USER876

We invited OOT guests to the RD...I think it's proper ett IMO they basically came a long way and have nothing to do that night

sgdc2011

Whatever you do, make sure you stick to "your rule" We are inviting anyone staying Friday night at the hotel, plus immediate family that is more local and bridal party.  Its just a nice way to say thank you for coming to those that are OOT.  We are doing something very casual, pizza, salad, and appetizers, so it's not costing a fortune and very low key.

tinydancer842

I don't think it's rude to not invite OOT guests. Most of my OOT guests had their own groups to hangout with/go out to eat with the night before. We told them where they could get pizza, etc. Not to mention I don't think I could deal with the stress of basically organizing 2 weddings in one weekend. Also, the rehearsal dinner is to honor the WP & spend time with them -- so if you invite all your OOT guests you are taking away from that fact & end up getting spread too thin. I think it is better to just have the WP & immediate family.