Prenup

NikkiPSU

FI is waaaay against having a prenup, but I have significant funds in trust acounts of money left to me when my grandparents and uncle died.  As a law student, I realize that this money is always mine, but if we begin to use it (comingle it) for marital property/living, then it becomes marital propety.  I know that FI is the love of my life and I don't want to be a downer, but the track record in my family for 1st marriages isn't good and I want to protect myself and make sure that I can support myself should anything happen.  What is the best way to approach him about this?

misschristinec

Wow... what a sensitive topic. I don't have a great answer, but, does he know about your trust? If so I think it would be easier to approach the conversation.  y the way you wrote your post, it sounds like you have a good way to address it.  Prenup are perfectly normal in situations like this.  Good Luck!

USER876

I think it's a great idea.  But the purpose of a prenup isn't to shaft the other person out of everything, make sure he knows that.  The purpose is to agree now how things will be split while you are civil, rather than waiting until later and having blood sucking laywers do it.  If you were actually thinking of taking every dime you put into things back, screw that, I wouldn't sign it either.

Your position is a tough one, you really have no assets other than that trust money.  So you are saying that if you took 100K out to put down on a house, you wouldn't want him to get half of that?  I think the wording of the agreement would be very complex.  The right way to do it is for each of you to get your own attorney, you draft up an agreement, he reviews it with his attorney, and then you settle on agreeable terms.

Oh, and unless your FI is a deadbeat that makes no money, don't worry you WILL be able to support yourself....NJ divorce typically sides more with the women, I know many cases where they got to keep the nice house and get 40% of the husbands pay while they can barely afford to live in a crapbox studio apt.

uppereastgirl

User, I think you mean that the law favors the dependent spouse and not the woman?  The woman can be a breadwinner too.  But I would imagine that if one stays in the house and the other can barely afford a studio apartment, the couple was maybe living beyond their means house-wise (because there wasn't money left in the budget to cover the rent on the other spouse's home).  But the point of alimony and such is to keep the dependent spouse's quality of life intact for some period of time.  The problem is that people who are getting divorced need to live under two roofs, and that can be expensive for some couples -- so one keeps the house and the other has to live somewhere that can be afforded on the money left over.   Sorry, as a woman who is the breadwinner that struck a nerve with me. 

I don't think there's any magic way to bring it up -- I think you just need to say "I have something to talk about.  Well, as you know I have the money I inherited, and I think that maybe it would make sense look into a prenup."  Then go to a lawyer to see if it actually makes sense in practice.

USER876

No I meant what I said.  I know a lot of divorced people and I hear them bitch about it all the time....even my one friend...she was the bread winner and she is living larger than he is....and the women typically always gets the kids.

[Deleted User]

Why is he against it?
My FI has...ummm...lets call it a"significant financial cushion" and I've offered to sign a pre-nup if it'll make him feel better I come with student loan debts and just started working for a living - i'm 24 and straight outta college. He has an excelent job, recently bought a dream house and design my dream kitchen for me, and my new car is under his name. 
FYI:  when i first started dating him all i knew if that he was a 28 year old construction worker that still lived at home. just want to clarify i'm not a golddigger! ha
HE is agianst a prenup. He feels like your predicting the break up so why even get married. I know you said your family doesn't have the best track record and you're honestly just being realistic with the "hey, sh*t happens" but is he more traditional like my FI?  however if you insist on it and he doesn't see you two divorcing then whats the big deal? 
it's not the most romantic thing and it IS a bit insulting when you're the one thats the dependant one, but if it meant piece of mind to the man i love i was willing to sign it. he should (reluctantly) agree to it.

njpabzy

I have been going back and forth about having a prenup but I don't think I am going to do it - in our situation I am the breadwinner and FI is willing to sign it but it just doesn't feel right - I know that is naive and stupid to many but it's how I feel - I am a bit worried about not having one only because of my pension - I have 17 yrs into a 25 yr pension and yes I would be very upset to have to lose any of that if things don't work - other than my pension I have no problem with an equal split of anything else we accumulate.
I think the way you said things in your post is the way to appoach the subject - it is a very touchy subject and a tough decision, at least for me it is, but you have to do what your gut is telling you is the right thing to do. good luck!

lcsa99

You can also tell him it will make the rest of your family - his soon to be extended family - more comfortable knowing that you/your money will be safe if something ever happens.

If you make it more about them and their past experiences he might be more willing to discuss it than if you make it about you two and your relationship.

NikkiPSU

User - I'm not saying I would take away anything, but once you begin to use the money to pay for marital property then all the money (the account the money was taken from) is termed to be comingled and the whole account becomes marital property. 

I've brought it up with him before, and I'm going to bring it up with him again.  I really just started thinking about this when I ran into my Family Law professor and she insisted that I I get a prenup. 

mariaNryan

I am totally against a prenup and this is my opinion! I feel its ridic to have anyone sign a paper like your expecting the marriage to fail!

felicia220

I heard (and this could be completely wrong) that a lot of the time prenups don't hold up in court.  IF this is true and you and your FI ever did get divorced, and the prenup didn't hold up, then this would be all for nothing.  I don't think there is an easy way to go about this and all I can offer is good luck.

NikkiPSU

Most have sunset clauses that state after 20 years the prenup is null and void.

USER876

I think it's a great idea and more people should have them.  We all see the track record of marriages, I bet most of them went into thinking that would happen.  I think it would solve a lot of problems getting through the splitup, making it smoother and more clean cut, and less cash wasted on attorneys.

I don't know, if you had a large sum of money, would you goto a business with someone with no contract?  It's not much different except with marriage you have even LESS rights when you get out.

It's like my buddy once said when I was bitching about how much our wedding cost......."the entry fee is steep.....but the exit fee is even steeper........."

I see too many dead beats that never worked a hard day in their life get a free ride after a divorce.  And you can bet if you don't get one your first time around you will DEF get one your second!

leah2b

I think its a good idea as well.  Its not to say that you don't have faith in the relationship, its just being practical and as a post sad above, it will likely make your family feel more comfortable about the situation as well.  Perhpas you could make it as simple as to just exclude the trust from marital property except for any funds you willingly use and distribute in your married life. 

In other words, the corpus of trust remains off limits.  I think you need to have thoughtfull discussion with him and explain what you did above and that doing this will make you and your family feel more at ease

USER876

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_prenup-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:a91987ef-cbde-4e23-80d5-ced65d20d353Post:f131a844-bb6e-410d-b0e8-5027ed8d926c">Re: Prenup</a>:
[QUOTE]I think its a good idea as well.  Its not to say that you don't have faith in the relationship, its just being practical and as a post sad above, it will likely make your family feel more comfortable about the situation as well.  Perhpas you could make it as simple as to just exclude the trust from marital property except for any funds you willingly use and distribute in your married life.  In other words, the corpus of trust remains off limits.  I think you need to have thoughtfull discussion with him and explain what you did above and that doing this will make you and your family feel more at ease
Posted by leah2b[/QUOTE]

The OP seems to want protection from the trust (which she gets automatically) AND protection against any money she takes out and uses willingly during married life (vacation, cars, house,etc).  Seems like she wants everything protected even money put into the marriage since it seems like she could be paying for most of everything.

uppereastgirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_prenup-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:a91987ef-cbde-4e23-80d5-ced65d20d353Post:29a2a972-8578-4e73-b781-2bc309e2c8dd">Re: Prenup</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Prenup : The OP seems to want protection from the trust (which she gets automatically) AND protection against any money she takes out and uses willingly during married life (vacation, cars, house,etc).  Seems like she wants everything protected even money put into the marriage since it seems like she could be paying for most of everything.
Posted by USER876[/QUOTE]

<div>This is something that really needs to be discussed with an attorney.  I'm not a T&E lawyer and don't practice in NJ, but (a) I'm really surprised that the corpus of the trust wouldn't be safe even without prenup, (b) it isn't like one spouse comes into a marriage with $100,000,000 and the other comes in with $0 and when they divorce after a year the wealthy spouse owes the other $50,000,000 -- no court would do that with such a short marriage, and (c) even with a prenup, you aren't always protected -- courts won't enforce them if they don't think they're fair to both parties.</div><div>
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Reilly626

My house is in my name only.... I didnt do one, but since my house is in my name its mine if marriage goes splits.

tinydancer842

I'm a family law paralegal & New Jersey is a 50/50 state as far as divorces go. So the only way the wife can get more is if there is a tort claim against the husband, then maybe she will get a little more money. User, I believe you are referring to alimony when you say the wife is living a great life, etc. However, this happens in rare circumstances -- usually when the husband starts making less money & the wife has made a nice life for herself he will bring her back to court to have his alimony reduced. In my experience most husband aren't paying their alimony & trying to get out of paying child support, etc. 

As far as pre-nups go -- they will hold up if you both see attorneys well before you get married & fairly negotiate things. Go speak to an attorney & determine your options. 

USER876

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_prenup-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:a91987ef-cbde-4e23-80d5-ced65d20d353Post:5650deb4-8263-4925-9c66-6cf7f7d8b54c">Re: Prenup</a>:
[QUOTE]My house is in my name only.... I didnt do one, but since my house is in my name its mine if marriage goes splits.
Posted by Reilly626[/QUOTE]

Sorry to bust your bubble, but having your house in your name really doesn't mean a thing, and doesn't mean it's 100% yours if the marriage splits.