Pity party... please share your stories...

peaches178

I'm in the midst of some major family drama on my side (immediate family, not even extended family) which extends to the bridal party because my MOH and bridesmaids are all immediate family memebers.  As a result, the past few weeks have been both stressful and depressing for FI and me and we've even considered (albeit briefly) cancelling our wedding and just getting married in a courthouse because my parents, sister, and several aunts seem to be doing everything in their power to suck the happiness and joy from us (FYI - It has absolutely nothing to do with my family not liking FI).  In fact, I'm at the point where I'm dreading the family photos at our wedding because even if we "work things out" I don't think I can truly forgive my family for what they have said and done these past few weeks and put on a happy face.

I read so many posts on TK about how happy and helpful everyone's family and friends are in the days and weeks leading up to the wedding, but I'm in one of those "misery loves company" kind of moods and would love to read any stories you ladies may have about family or wedding party members who completely let you down or who just weren't there for you (and I don't mean by not going veil shopping or by not throwing the bachelorette party of your dreams).

Humor me during this solo pity party... pretty please. 

eleven29

Ok, I'll bite.   

My parents just got divorced a few years ago, and although my mom is very excited about the wedding, my dad clearly could not possibly care less.  He has barely spoken to me about the wedding since I got engaged nearly 2 years ago, and whenever I try to he has a completely nonchalant attitude about it, like it's going to just be another day, and sometimes even seems annoyed that he has to put out effort to attend.  My father and I have a very good relationship and he loves my FI -- he just doesn't seem to care that we're getting married.  I don't know if this has anything to do with the fact that my mom and him are divorced or what, but it makes me upset all the time.  

I've talked to him about it and he really just has an attitude like "What's the big deal? I'll show up in a suit and then go home when it's over."  I was at his house Friday night with FI for a few hours and of course the wedding came up.  I asked him if he will PLEASE come to the hotel before the wedding to see me getting ready and it was like pulling teeth to even get a "maybe" from him.  He also mentioned that he will probably be leaving the reception before it's over and it took everything in me to not scream at him, calmly explaining that he's the father of the bride and it is expected not only from guests but from ME that he be there until the very end when we all leave.  I'm sure he'll leave early regardless of what I say to him.  I'm already upset enough that he won't be riding with me in the limo on the way to the reception (making an excuse about wanting to drive with his girlfriend) or staying at the hotel with us after the wedding (we plan to have an after-party and I desperately wanted him to be there) so this is all just salt in the wound as the wedding gets closer.  

I explain to him all the time that this is just one day and ask if he can please just do these small things that mean so much to me, and he kind of just rolls his eyes over it.  I am a sentimental person and he knows it, and he just does NOT seem to care.  It hurts, but I have given up on any expectations of him being there for me on my wedding day.  I can't risk breaking down on my wedding day because he does something to disappoint me.  I still can't figure out if he's bitter over marriage over his divorce, or if he doesn't believe in marriage anymore, or if he's in denial over me (the oldest daughter) getting married, or if he's angry that we're spending so much money on a big wedding, or he thinks it's not a big deal since FI and I have been living together for 3 years already, or WHAT....but the bottom line is that it has been a long, painful 2 years dealing with him and wedding stuff and I am hoping he doesn't do anything to upset me on the day of.

Whew!  You asked for it  Hope everything works out for you and FI, bottom line is that the day is about the two of you, not your family, and I'm sure you will have beautiful memories of the day when it comes down to it.  Try not to let family members get you down, as hard as it may be.  No family drama is worth ruining the most special day of your life! *hugs*

NJhousewife22

So sorry the family is being a major killjoy! We aren't having any truly serious issues, but his side of the family is just so NOT invovled/caring about our wedding at all and it gets us down a bit sometimes. None of them attended or even acknowledged in any way our engagement or my shower and even his mom is just NOT interested in the wedding at all. My parents are slightly more positive about it, but my sister got married last October so they are even kind of over it. Plus my mom told me I didn't deserve a nice wedding because FI and I live together already. That one stung for sure. 

Hugs to you and FI! Focus on eachother and the happiness that you two share together. 

felicia220

I don't really have any stories for you, but I just wanted to say that I am so sorry your dealing with issues with your family.  It can certaily but a damper on things.  I wish I can give you some advice, but without really knowing your situation its hard.  But I hope everything gets worked out and you can move on from this.

If there is one thing I have learned from planning a wedding it is that people lose their minds when it comes to weddings and say and do things they would never do otherwise.  

Smidger

I feel your pain completely! Throughout our entire year of planning it seems life we've gotten it from all sides at some point. FI's mother and him have done nothing but fight over almost every detail of the wedding. She has never really had anything nice to say about any of our plans which is upsetting b/c FI and I both feel like she is going to hate the entire day. FI's parents are also divorced and both are remarried which has caused it's share of drama from who is in a tux to who gets a corsage. Most recent FI's Dad has now decided that he wants to add people to the rehearsal dinner guest list which will open up the flood gates to our rehearsal dinner going from 25 people to 40. FI's sister (a bridesmaid) has also caused her share of drama within the bridal party due to jealousy she has over me being closer with my brother's fiance who is my maid of honor.

Then there is my family. Around easter we had a huge falling out with my Uncle (my Mom's brother). My Mom passed away 4 years ago and he was the only relative left on her side that I was still very close with. The fight was over a lot of familly issues that have been building up for as long as I can remember. He felt that 3 months before my wedding was a good time to hash it all out, along with making it clear the low opinion he truly has of me and my FI, how I'm making a huge mistake, and that our marriage won't last.  Long story short, we haven't spoken since the blow-up and I'm fairly certain that him, his girlfriend, and her kids who are like cousins to me are not coming to the wedding now. I know it's horrible to say, but I hope he doesn't come at this point if that is how he truly feels.

As of Saturday this past weekend, my wedding is 7 weeks away. You would think the drama, complaining, and ridiculous last minute requests would have stopped by now but they haven't. I know it's hard, but try to find some joy in the planning process. My saving grace has been FI and the few family members who have been nothing but supportive and happy for us every step of the way. Those are the people you want to surround yourself with as much as possible moving forward.

My heart goes out to you and your FI. Stay strong! You'll get through this!!!

LADY324

Peaches what is going on?  I say you don't cancel the wedding b/c you have invested so much time into this wedding and you deserve the best.  Get married look beautiful and have an amazing time with your FI, friends and family that have not been putting a damper on your day. 

Then have a great time on your honeymoon if you are going on on right away

LADY324

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_pity-party-please-share-stories?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:a9f22fe2-9e5e-4dc6-9465-b0d7a5f72774Post:20d385c3-7088-4498-a2ac-81c594fa6fda">Re: Pity party... please share your stories...</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, I'll bite.    My parents just got divorced a few years ago, and although my mom is very excited about the wedding, my dad clearly could not possibly care less.  He has barely spoken to me about the wedding since I got engaged nearly 2 years ago, and whenever I try to he has a completely nonchalant attitude about it, like it's going to just be another day, and sometimes even seems annoyed that he has to put out effort to attend.  My father and I have a very good relationship and he loves my FI -- he just doesn't seem to care that we're getting married.  I don't know if this has anything to do with the fact that my mom and him are divorced or what, but it makes me upset all the time.   I've talked to him about it and he really just has an attitude like "What's the big deal? I'll show up in a suit and then go home when it's over."  I was at his house Friday night with FI for a few hours and of course the wedding came up.  I asked him if he will PLEASE come to the hotel before the wedding to see me getting ready and it was like pulling teeth to even get a "maybe" from him.  He also mentioned that he will probably be leaving the reception before it's over and it took everything in me to not scream at him, calmly explaining that he's the father of the bride and it is expected not only from guests but from ME that he be there until the very end when we all leave.  I'm sure he'll leave early regardless of what I say to him.  I'm already upset enough that he won't be riding with me in the limo on the way to the reception (making an excuse about wanting to drive with his girlfriend) or staying at the hotel with us after the wedding (we plan to have an after-party and I desperately wanted him to be there) so this is all just salt in the wound as the wedding gets closer.   I explain to him all the time that this is just one day and ask if he can please just do these small things that mean so much to me, and he kind of just rolls his eyes over it.  I am a sentimental person and he knows it, and he just does NOT seem to care.  It hurts, but I have given up on any expectations of him being there for me on my wedding day.  I can't risk breaking down on my wedding day because he does something to disappoint me.  I still can't figure out if he's bitter over marriage over his divorce, or if he doesn't believe in marriage anymore, or if he's in denial over me (the oldest daughter) getting married, or if he's angry that we're spending so much money on a big wedding, or he thinks it's not a big deal since FI and I have been living together for 3 years already, or WHAT....but the bottom line is that it has been a long, painful 2 years dealing with him and wedding stuff and I am hoping he doesn't do anything to upset me on the day of. Whew!  You asked for it :)  Hope everything works out for you and FI, bottom line is that the day is about the two of you, not your family, and I'm sure you will have beautiful memories of the day when it comes down to it.  Try not to let family members get you down, as hard as it may be.  No family drama is worth ruining the most special day of your life! *hugs*
Posted by eleven29[/QUOTE]

I can relate to you somewhat.  However my parents got divorced when I was 9 months old.  So I have never been close with my father so our situations are a little different.  My dad told me that he does not want to be in pictures.  I know that he is just joking around be he also asked me if he can wear a suit that he bought 15 years ago that no longer fits him.  His only job is to show up the day of the wedding in a tux and that is it. 

I just try to not talk about our wedding when I see him b/c I always just get frustrated. 

DoubleAS

I'll bite too-  one of my closest and dearest friends that I grew up (friends for 20 years) with booked her wedding the same day as another friend's wedding that I am in (I've known this girl for 2 years). 

Same day, same time. 

philleej

Peaches I'm so sorry! It hurts the worst when it's family you're dealing with.  I feel your pain.  When I first got engaged last year to my FI who I've been dating for 8 years, no one in my family was that excited. My grandmother who I am super close with kept trying to convince me not to get married and tried setting me up with other guys.

Even now when I tell my parents that I was chatting with a guy or whatever, they're always asking me what that person's occupation is and if I'm going to go out with them!!! They love my FI but think he isn't motivated enough or makes enough money to be with me since he's not a doctor or a lawyer (he's a paralegal, so close enough?)

Not only that, but now my bridesmaids, all of whom I've been friends with since we were 12 and 13 are being pains about everything. From the dress being too casual, to the bachelorette party which some of the girls didn't want to participate in just wanted to hang out by the pool, to the wedding shower (in which they didn't want to help set up even though it's just in my backyard).  Makes me wish I had done a destination wedding on Mars.

The way I try not to get so upset is to just think about how I have a FI who loves me so much he'd do anything for me, including letting me play connect the dots with the freckles on his back.  That seems to cancel out the hurtful family, crazy friends and a boss who only wants to talk about the housewives of NJ.

Little Spitfire

Oh, dude, I totally get how you're feeling.  In the months before our wedding we had DH's mother say she wasn't coming because she might be having elective surgery 6 months before the wedding and it was like pulling teeth to get my grandfather to show any enthusiasm over the wedding (because I had been engaged before and called it off, and I think he was still attached to the other dude). 

As if that wasn't enough, one of my BMs decided to run the shower completely her way, against both my wishes and the wishes of my MOH and the other BMs.  When I talked to her about it, she proceeded to scream at both me and my DH, and made our lives a living hell for the 2 months leading up to the wedding.  On the wedding day itself, this same BM made a nasty comment about how my mother wasn't there (she abandoned me as a child).  I prayed for the months leading up to the wedding that people would get a hold of themselves so we could enjoy the time but it was a struggle.  MY DH and I wound up getting into a huge fight (about other things, but I attribute it to the stress of all the other situations) the day of the RD and it still bugs us that we let everyone get to us. 

Bottom line, people can suck sometimes, but you've got to do your best to enjoy this time with your FI.  I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this and I know what it's like to feel wistful and sad whenever you hear about other people's family members helping with their weddings or being happy for them.  Hang in there!   

peaches178

Thank you a hundred times over everyone!  It definitely makes me feel better to know that others are going (or have gone) through something similar.

On my end I'm not speaking to my parents or sister at the moment (in fact, we haven't spoken in three weeks) and my aunt (the one who I thought had my back) has gotten in on the drama, too.  The fight originally wasn't wedding-related, but it escalated to begin involving wedding things and I've actually gotten to a point where I hope my immediate family doesn't come to the wedding.  It sounds horrible, but I can't even bear the thought of being around them after all of the awful things they have said and done to me.  And, like I said in my OP, assuming they do come I don't know how I'm going to get through having hair and makeup done since my sister is my MOH and will undoubtedly be near me, the family photos, or the father-daughter dance... I'm considering eliminating some of those events from our wedding day entirely just so I don't have to deal with it.  It's just all way too much to be stressing over during a time that's supposed to be one of the most important and happiest days of our lives together.

FI and I are doing our best to just focus on each other and the fact that we're getting married, but it just sucks knowing that the people who are supposed to be the most excited and happiest for us are the ones who have created the problems.

Oh well... thanks again, ladies, for the well wishes and the stories.  I really appreciate it.

MissButters

Oh, I'm so sorry for you, but I can relate.  There were many times I thought about eloping due to issues with my side of the family (sibling problems mainly).  I cried many, many times during the 7 months of my engagement and even now I'm still very hurt by things that happened although I'm trying to just get over it.  I will say, the day of the wedding, the person causing the issues was nice and didn't cause any problems, so that was good.  Just try not to let them get to you and make sure you have someone who lifts you up around you the day of.  And, just try to be the bigger person, take the high road, and not do anything you'll regret down the road.  I know it's easier said than done.

alileigh412

I am barely in the planning stages and am already so sick of FI's family.
Someone always has some kind of complaint about any plan I make. I'm selfish if I pick December b/c it's too close to xmas, i'm selfish if we do destination b/c someone can't afford to come, I'm selfish if I pick Memorial day Weekend b/c someone might want to go away. I finally told one of them, "If you don't like the day I pick, don't come... it will save me money anyway. I'm sick of planning my wedding around 100+ people's tentative schedules!" My next response will be, "You can help make decisions when you help pay".

My family on the other hand are AMAZING! My mom didn't love my venue, but when she saw how much I love it, she changed her tune immediately and is totally supportive. She is paying for it & not making a big deal. She just wants me to be happy. My sister is being a PITA about the dress, but i'm not even worried about that right now, we have so much time. I'm sure we will find the perfect dress.

Nothing will ever go 100% smoothly so you just have to roll with the punches and stay positive. Maybe your positivity can rub off on them instead of their negativity rubbing off on you.
Good Luck - i'm sure it will all work out.

MCRM22011

i'll join in as well -- 

my fi and i got engaged in february and decided to have a short engagement and get married in august. fi's brother had a long engagement and are getting married in july. we felt that giving a full month and three days in between the two wedding was completely acceptable and we are keeping our wedding much smaller than fi's brother (smaller guest list, low-key venue). we decided to just have fi's brother as a best man and my best friend as a matron of honor, plus 1 ring bearer and 1 flower girl. 

for a couple of weeks, fi's parents/ sister/brother were like "are you sure/ why are you rushing" blah blah, which made me feel very upset. my parents were a little funny about it for about two days and then were completely supportive.

additionally, a lot of conversation revolves around fi's brother's wedding. our wedding will go unmentioned in family conversations. i understand that their wedding is a month before ours and maybe after their wedding, the conversation will turn to our wedding. however, i do feel a bit slighted. i know that no one cares about anybody else's wedding, so i am not expecting anyone to jump for joy for us. 

i am also very scared of family/ future-in-laws comparing our two weddings. theirs is a major wedding venue - ours at a restaurant's private party room. they have a limo - we do not. they have huge, traditional centerpieces, we have small ones consisting of tightly packed carnations with black curly willow branches with dangling crystals in black vases. they are having a full open bar and cocktail hour, we are having 1 less hour and only sangria and wine.  as you can see, there is a lot for them to nit-pick at. hopefully, they won't.

sorry so long.

schrutebeets

Peaches I'm sooooooooooooooooooooo sorry!!!! Sending tons of hugs and wishes your way!!! About one year before we got engaged my parents + sister and I had the biggest fight ever, lasting over a month of not speaking, me coming to their house and taking things like my diploma out....it was really bad. It literally made me sick to my stomach. Although we were not engaged then, there were points where I thought we would never make up and was devastated about them not being a part of my wedding the way that I imagined. My best advice to you is to just swallow all of your pride and make up with them. I know how hard this is. But when you do it, you will feel SOOOOOOOOO relieved, especially for your wedding. You do not want to dread anything, especially pictures, father-daughter dance, etc. Good luck and feel free to message me if you need to talk

bereasonable2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_pity-party-please-share-stories?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:a9f22fe2-9e5e-4dc6-9465-b0d7a5f72774Post:4f9ce758-9ecf-4061-bfc7-180f831c614a">Re: Pity party... please share your stories...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sick of planning my wedding around 100+ people's tentative schedules!" My next response will be, "You can help make decisions when you help pay".
Posted by alileigh412[/QUOTE]

Where's the "like" button when you need it...