WWYD?

pirategal03

My MOH, who I love dearly, and her mother, who I also love dearly, are throwing me a shower.  They just today nailed down the date/time/location, and it's in 2 weeks.  So, although they're planning to send paper invitations, they've also created a facebook event so people have as much notice as possible. 

Here's the thing...they're so enthusiastic, they've invited people that aren't invited to the wedding.  In fact, they've invited people that I hadn't even though of when creating a wedding guest list.  Some of these people I haven't spoken to in years, some of these people I hadn't seen (with the exception of my mother's funeral) since high school.  Some of these people I haven't seen/talked to in so long, we're not even facebook friends.  I know that it's likely that these people will decline the invitation anyway, but I can't get over the "only those invited to the wedding should be invited to a pre-wedding party" etiquette rule. 

So here's the WWYD part...On the off-chance that some of these people accept, would you then invite them to the wedding? (invitations have not gone out yet, and I have a very few extras, and although we're trying to keep the guest list reasonable, we aren't going to blow our budgets if we have to add these people).

Also know that this has all happened in the last 10 minutes and it's likely that I will be able to think more clearly about it once I'm over the initial etiquette embarassment. 

Beth0882

FMIL has mentioned a few people to FI that are invited to the party his parents' friends' are throwing us next week who were not on their list for people they wanted invited to the weddnig, so they aren't invited to the wedding.  I have no room to invite more people (we're already 40 over where I want to be) so I have pretty much decided I am not going to feel embarassed by this breach of etiquette on their part -- but since its their friends, and people I don't know at all, I guess my situation is easier than yours.

If you can afford to add more people, I would wait and see how the shower goes, and if those people seem to feel like they are invited or should be, invite them.  If they don't show up or do and you get the impression from them that they are just happy to be there for your shower, then don't worry about it.  As far as invitations, if you have to print something up that is not the same as others, you can do that and I am sure no one would know.

janice1980

well, I have never been a real "stickler" for wedding etiquette.  So in my opinion, i think you are worrying over nothing. It sounds like they are the ones who are choosing who to invite and they are probably inviting people they think would like to be there and share in the enjoyment.  Now, if you were the one suggesting to invite these people and not invite them to the wedding, I think that would be a different scenario.

I agree with Beth, I would wait and see how the shower turns out, you might find that you have a great time with some of them and want to add them to the wedding guest list. 

G/L!

meredithl618

First of all, I'm really surprised they sent out the fbook invites without confirming the list was okay with you.  Only in very special circumstances should a guest be invited to a pre-wedding party and not invited to the wedding.  They are going to think they are invited to the wedding and get their hopes up... etc, which is a bad position and awkward to deal with.

BUT, on the other hand, you should NOT change or add people to your guest list at this point.  If you're like me and so many other brides on here, the guest list is something that we debate over for a while leading up to the date.  Once you've got it, you should stick with it. Plus, your MOH/mother of MOH's inviting random people to a shower doesn't mean they must be automatically added to your guest list and that you need to make modifications.  Your MOH and her mom just need to explain that this shower is to celebrate for you, but you're having a smaller wedding and you couldn't invite everyone to it.  I just don't think this situation should force you into doing something you don't want to do, which could impact your event.

Plus, your invites need to be going out ASAP anyways if you are less than 7 weeks, so I would just not worry about this.  It's their shower/party, they can invite who they want, but they need to help clarify that this doesn't mean they're invited to the wedding. 

pirategal03

Meredith, I think what you just said would be what I'd tell someone who posted exactly what I posted.  (does that make sense?)  That's why I'm a little upset.

The invites are going out in the next day or 2 (we're 7 weeks on Saturday), I think that's also adding to my stress over this.

And, I'm not sure our wedding could be classified as "smaller", (although I wish) so I'm feeling even more awkward. 

elizabethb3511

same thing happened to my sister and we were just like, "oh well." My mom has over 50 cousins so it's difficult to invite everyone!

pirategal03

And I think it might be a public fb event, great.  I'm just going to go stand in the corner now. 

meredithl618

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_north-carolina_wwyd-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:115Discussion:7b96fb28-baf4-4383-bc9c-33fc4b058d79Post:82338f56-f010-4f38-b4b7-0f27c4a4aba3">Re: WWYD?</a>:
[QUOTE]Meredith, I think what you just said would be what I'd tell someone who posted exactly what I posted.  (does that make sense?)  That's why I'm a little upset. The invites are going out in the next day or 2 (we're 7 weeks on Saturday), I think that's also adding to my stress over this. And, I'm not sure our wedding could be classified as "smaller", (although I wish) so I'm feeling even more awkward. 
Posted by pirategal03[/QUOTE]

<div>Well, if it's not smaller, lol, just say you wish you could invite more, but we had to cut it off, or blame it on someone they don't know, or space issues, or something like that.</div><div>
</div><div>I think you have plenty of right to be upset, but I don't want to fuel the flame. So, I say, just let them handle it and figure out what you can say if someone makes any awkward mention of it at the shower.  Don't change your plans over this is all I can say... good luck!! </div>

CJ4578

Mary I'm sorry! That's always stressful. It's not your fault though, and if these people are those you haven't talked to in ages I think they'll be able to figure out that it wasn't you requesting them to attend a shower w/out inviting them to the actual wedding. And if it's a public facebook event, then those people that "invite themselves," so to speak, can't think they're going to be invited to the wedding, I am sure.

It'll be okay!

Beth0882

If this is your MOH I would assume that you are close to her -- maybe you should gently bring it up to her just so she is at least aware of the issue.  Something like "I noticed that you invited some people that it will be great to see after so long -- you don't think they expect to be invited to the wedding, do you?" or something....not sure how I would put it to make sure they didn't think I was complaining about what they have done but enough so that they are aware of the issue if it comes up at or after the shower...sorry this is kind of incoherent...

pirategal03

It's not incoherent, Beth, it made sense. 

I'm awful at things like this.  It's been awkward all the way around with this shower.  My usual plan of attack would have been to have my mom talk to her mom about the plan (which sounds very elementary school, but our moms were best friends and we're practically sisters) before it even got this far.  I think MOH and her mother are trying really hard to make it something special, they're very excited and I don't want to mess it up for them at all either. 

I'm just an old lady about etiquette, and I embarrass easily. 

alliegator8

Mary, I agree with everyone else.  Try not to worry too much about it.  It is a tough situation, but if you're limited, you're limited.

We are having a small wedding, but FI's mom wanted to throw an engagement party for us at their family farm in VA.  They live in a small town, so everyone knows each other.  There were a lot of people there that we were not inviting to the wedding, and I was a little worried about it.  But they all knew what the deal was.  This was their way of celebrating with us if that makes sense.  Everyone had a great time and there were no hard feelings.  So people might be pretty understanding about it especially given everything that has happened.

So try not to worry.  It will all work out!