Asking Bridesmaids

eeponine

 I'm wondering about the etiquette involved in asking girls to be in your wedding party. Is there a right/wrong way to do it? What did you guys do? My friends are spread all over NJ, and I'd love to host a gtg, but given the time of year, it's going to be so hard to get a date that everybody has free. I'm DYING to ask them, but I'm hesitating to just pick up the phone or write a letter or something because it just might not be the "right" thing to do. What do you all think?

mbcdefg

Don't ask until you have a definite date set (which means that you have the ceremony and reception booked). It's hard to ask people to be in something if you don't know exactly when it is. Plus, the formality and style of your wedding can play a role in how many people you ask ... 9 bridesmaids would be pretty silly for a casual wedding with 75 guests.

It's wise to wait until under a year out to ask. Friendships can change, even with relatives and lifelong friends. Once you ask, you can't un-ask (unless you're O.K. with the relationship ending), so waiting until under a year out can help you be sure that your relationships with these people will still be O.K. by the wedding day. Some people change once you get engaged.

You don't have to ask an equal number of bridesmaids and groomsmen. Each of you should pick who you want. It's also fine for you to have men on your side and for FI to have women on his side. Like if you have a brother or a guy friend that you want to stand with you.

Don't ask them in a group, because that puts pressure on them to say yes ... even if they needed to decline, or if they just wanted to ask more questions. It's fine to ask in person, and asking via a phone call is also fine. Some people send cards or gifts but you don't have to do that. I asked one girl at a diner and asked my sister while I was visiting my parents. Be careful of texts and e-mails because sometimes those can get lost along the way or misconstrued.

Ask them, in private, about their budgets for a dress BEFORE you start looking around for BM dresses. And only look for dresses in their price range. Don't just say, "I love this dress and it's $200, is that O.K. with you?" because they might feel obligated to say yes even if they can't afford it. And they do not all have to wear the exact same dress - it's fine for them to pick different styles if you want (you can keep the designer, color, fabric and length the same if you want some uniformity). They do not need to wear identical shoes or hairstyles, either. If you're requiring pro hair and makeup then you need to pay for it - otherwise give them the option.

All a BM is really required to do is (a) get the dress, and (b) stand up in the wedding. Some brides feel that a BM has to do more, though ... so if you expect more from people, then at least let them know that up front so that they can back out early if they feel that they don't want to fulfill your requirements. They are not required to help you plan or attend pre-wedding events ... if they do, awesome, but they don't HAVE to.

grace_ann

 I actually asked them all when we got together for the holidays and got them like a bridesmaid handbook type thing and a card - they thought it was cute (i think anyways)

VanessaB24

I text my cousin and friend. And emailed my other friend. I would have liked to do it a nicer way but i'm was busy trying to get things together. They were all happy to be included so i was happy.

alliecarrie41

ditto MB with waiting until you have a set date, and it's not more than about a year away.  friendships change, circumstances change; you cannot "un-bridesmaid" someone, so make sure you are 100% certain in your picks.  you can have 1 person or 8, but you don't have to ask them together or any special way.  i asked in person except for one i asked over the phone bc she was so far away.  then i sent cute cards afterwards thanking them.  PIP.

30may09bride

I agree with not asking them in a group.  I was asked in a group once, and it was kind of odd.  But, I must say, out of the 3 times I have been a BM, that is the only time I was actually asked.  I asked my girls individually and asked all but one in person, and didn't do anything gimmicky, I just asked.  I also didn't wait till a year before the wedding or even after we had set a date. I asked soon after we got engaged, but I certainly had no regrets in my choices, and I knew that my choices would not change. 

eeponine

 Thanks for the info, ladies. In my particular situation I am just under a year to go, the date is set, and the girls I'm planning on asking I've been friends with since the late 90s. Not really worried about fall outs, I just want to make sure that I follow the 'rules.' If there are any. 

 I think I may end up calling and then sending cards to thank them afterwards, too. The thing is, I was told by a relatively hyper bride that i HAD to ask in person. Like I said, with the holidays and all, I think that's going to be kind of difficult. 

erikag23

i def would not ask too far in advance...people change, friendships change. 

i made each of my girls a tank top with "bridesmaid"/ "matron of honor" rhinestones.  i also found a cute poem that i wrote in a card....i sent them all fedex, so it was a surpise.  they seemed to like it. 

mbcdefg

I wouldn't put too much stock in what people say you "HAVE" to do for your wedding.

As long as you seat and feed all your guests, and if you keep BMs' budgets in mind and don't treat them like slave labor ... I'm of the mindset that "anything goes" for a wedding.

Lola Minnie

Honestly, I don't think there are rules from what I've heard.
I just asked my girls. I was so excited I just had to without preparing anything.

SnowBabe516

I had brides maids cookies made with a poem on them and they where personally addressed to each girl asking to be in a certian posisiton (bridemaid, MOH, FG).  I put them in a gift bag and gave them to each girl.  It was just a nice way of asking instead of asking out right. 

FutureMrsF111

My BMs other than my FIs niece were all kinda givens. I have a few really close girlfriends and they all knew I would be asking them. So I did. Some I called, some I saw in person, one was a little more formal than the others but each fit their personalities and my friendships with them.