And so it continues

matiffbengy11

Updated on FMIL ! So my FI called her last night ( she didn't pick up)
She then text him this morning, acting like everything was okay. So he called her and finally got to chat with her briefly
She has a lot of issues with everything. But one that I'm wondering if we were in the wrong.. which I don't think we were.
She is annoyed that we have not been there since Dec. We were there in Dec for 4 days ( prior to Dec, we went in Oct for his sisters Bday, and so forth), We got engaged in Feb, left 2 weeks later for Florida, and started planning the wedding which is in August, so we have been very busy and my FI has been working a lot of weekends. Needless to say it's a 6 hour drive one way, we have a 105 pound dog that is hard to travel with and that has been ill since Dec, all this she knows. We have gone to see them almost every other month in the last year, while his Mom and his sister have come up ONCE in a year. We  are going home in July for his family reunion, which has been booked over a year ago, so it's not like we weren't going to come ever. It's just a lot right now with trying to plan a wedding and to drive 12 hours in pretty much a day and half.
So she just sends me an email that says only this "I'll expect to see you both soon "  I'm kind of speechless at this point.
I personally don't think we have done anything wrong, we have invited his mother and his sister many many times, and neither one of them has taken us up on it. It's like she just wants us to jump at whatever she demands of us.

NJMom050911

I think that if a 6 hour drive will fix your relationship and make the entire wedding planning and the day itself better, you should make the trip.

akmackay

I can see why she's upset- and it all seems to make sense now. You get engaged and all of a sudden he throws her away and doesn't visit? Yeah, I get it. She's hurt which is stemming everything else. You haven't been there in 4 months and don't plan to go until July- a whole 7 months of not seeing them when they are used to you going every other month? You spoiled her with every other month and while wedding planning can get overwhelming, you should really take the time to go down there. One weekend away won't kill you, or harm your wedding.

matiffbengy11

Yeah true, I guess I could see how she would think we visited often then all of a sudden not. But we also were visiting alot before we bought our house in Oct and then got engaged. And she knows we pulled back a lot because of how she treated me and my family when she came in Nov to our house, and then again the things she said and the issues she caused in Feb. I do think it's us being a bit spiteful because if she didn't act that way, we def would have made time in the midst of the planning and our busy lives to go and see them, so it's two fold. I know in my gut I need to keep trying at being the bigger person. I think we will arrange the trip to see her, and if she continues to keep dragging this drama on then I really do have to cut her off, but I won't know until we try.

Thanks girls!!

Lolyalyssa

Yeah you need do the 6 hour drive (which by the way is a lot and I'm surprised you did it so much last year).  She got used to see you guys often and it was you guys who changed pattern and that coupled with the engagement has seemingly caused her to go off the deep end.

She is crazy, clearly, from all your posts but I think this guilt trip about you guys not coming is her way of reaching out.  I mean clearly she doesn't want to cut ties if she wants to see you.

Go down there, she how she behaves, try to clear the air.

The bottom line is either you need to make it work with her and get into a grove that is good for both of you or cut ties.  (and it sounds like for you its going to be the former).

Just remember, that when you establish a pattern of doing something, no matter how generous, when you change that pattern you look like the bad guy.  So start establishing a new pattern of when you go to see her and try to re-adjust her expectations. 

matiffbengy11

Loly-great point about the pattern, never looked at that way and it's so true!  The trip is def a long drive, and now we have the dog which makes it even longer, we have to stop 2 or 3 times for her! We did it more over the summer because we had a lot of days to use up and we were able to take a Friday off and it helped balance the drive. Moving forward we need to try and revamp the pattern to reflect maybe every 4 months and stress that his family should visit as well.

Lolyalyssa

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_continues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:e83a1f1f-7724-4273-9fda-ee50a05516f5Post:43617f51-95ba-400f-ac7a-07dc16d00aac">Re: And so it continues</a>:
[QUOTE]Loly-great point about the pattern, never looked at that way and it's so true!  The trip is def a long drive, and now we have the dog which makes it even longer, we have to stop 2 or 3 times for her! We did it more over the summer because we had a lot of days to use up and we were able to take a Friday off and it helped balance the drive. Moving forward we need to try and revamp the pattern to reflect maybe every 4 months and stress that his family should visit as well.
Posted by matiffbengy11[/QUOTE]

Yeah the pattern is what kills you.  We live in the city and come to NJ on the weekends to see FI's family.  We started coming every Saturday for a while and then we didn't come for a week or two and his mom was all "where have you been? is something wrong? why didn't you call me".  That's when I knew we had to change up the pattern.  So sometimes if we are on the fence about going we stay in the city just to keep up a good pattern <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />

You gotta be smarter than this woman and control the things that you can control.  Keep your focus on that and it will shift the power back to you.  By coming once every 10 or 12 weeks you shift control back to you and fool her into thinking she is in control because you have started coming again.  This is a perfect time to establish a new pattern with her by going this month and then not agan until July.

You got this! Good Luck!

matiffbengy11

Thanks Loly!!! I live 5 mins from my family and if I don't stop in for a few days I get the call from my Mom "Where have you been, I haven't seen you in awhile" Mom I just saw you 2 days ago! haha The pattern is def a killer! LOL!

Lolyalyssa

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_continues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:e83a1f1f-7724-4273-9fda-ee50a05516f5Post:43617f51-95ba-400f-ac7a-07dc16d00aac">Re: And so it continues</a>:
[QUOTE] Moving forward we need to try and revamp the pattern to reflect maybe every 4 months and stress that his family should visit as well.
Posted by matiffbengy11[/QUOTE]

You change your pattern.  Don't "stress that his family should visit as well" because that is not something <strong>you </strong>can control.  You can only control if you invite them.  So just keep inviting them.... (ya get it, wink wink)

Don't have any conversations with them about what they should do or how they should be.  Just take action on the things that you can control and just keep inviting them and going down there every 10 to 12 weeks.  Better with this woman to have ZERO expectations and then be pleasantly surprised if she comes.

Think about it from her point of view.  Would you want to go visit your son and you FDIL after they have been hounding you/guilting you into going or after they have been pleasantly inviting you for months?  See in her mind, since you have been inviting so nicely she thinks "oh well it would be so nice for me to go see them, haven't been in a while".  And this whole time you are in control of her but she thinks it was her idea to decide to go.

See this is what I mean by only stressing about things that YOU can control <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />

melissa82

I dunno. To me it sounds like you guys feed into her. If someone treated my family and I that terribly in November, and then I let it go and she acted like a biotch again in Feb, pulling the stupid BS you talked about in your other post, I wouldn't be driving to visit that person until they apologized up and down to me.

But that's me. My MIL started a fight with me AT OUR WEDDING (among other things), and so I am coming to this from that perspective. I am just hi and bye with her. I'm cordial but we definitely do not have a relationship. When she wants to apologize, then we'll see what happens.