WWYD..bridesmaid issue

NJgurl19

Hope this post finds everyone cool! So as we are slowly wedding planning, Fi and I picked our wedding party. I have 5 bridesmaid a Matron of honor and a Maid of honor. This does not include Fi sister, whose wedding just passed and we were in the wedding party. It just I sometimes feel a certain type of way towards her, and also her work schedule is crazy, I feel like this would be a burden. My FI says I can do whatever I want, but his brother is in it and so are my sister, so I think she might take it personal. Ugggg what would you do? Should I make her a bridesmaid or not?

uppereastgirl

I would, to keep the peace.  If her work schedule is too busy, she doesn't have to be too involved.  Either way she has to show up at the wedding, so that won't be a problem.

Laurms15

I would it will help keep family harmony. All she really has to do is show up at the wedding in the dress so as long as she can do that then I would add her in.

Cuppycake10

I would ask, give her the option to decide if her work schedule is too crazy or not. I would just want to avoid any potential problems it could cause with your future in-laws. 

Denise91980

I asked one of my FSILs because I know she wanted to be in it...the other one kind of vocalized that it would be too much for her. I still asked, but made it so that she did not feel obligated and that I was not upset or offended that she said no. She declined, but I was happy that she did as opposed to talking smack because it was too much for her.

mbcdefg

Did you ask these people to be in your wedding yet? If not, do yourself a favor and wait. Book the venues, set a definite date, and then ask them around 8-10 months before the wedding. There's no need to ask so early (especially if you don't have the date and location nailed down yet), and a lot of people have run into problems by asking too early and then regretting it.

As for the sister-in-law -

Her work schedule doesn't really matter. All she'd be required to do as a bridesmaid is get the dress (which she can do on her own time, if she's not available to go shopping with you) and participate in the ceremony. Anything else - shower, bachelorette, helping you plan - is optional. It shouldn't be a burden for her because there's not much she "has" to do. If she's available and interested in helping with other stuff, she will. If not, she won't, but as long as she gets the dress and shows up then she's done her duty.

If all the other siblings will be included, then I agree with those who said it's wise to ask her to be a bridesmaid, too. It's not like you have to be attached at the hip with her for the whole engagement.

Another option - she can stand with your FI as his attendant, wearing a black dress.

But, if you haven't yet booked your date and venues, put the wedding party thoughts aside for now and worry about getting a date and a location set in stone.

mbcdefg

Oh, and you do not need an equal amount of groomsmen, either. Each of you can pick who you want and let the numbers fall where they may.

NJgurl19

mbcdefg, I know you right, its just I've been so busy. June 13 we are scheduled to see three places. I will give feedback of how it went, but FI says we have to have the venue picked before I got back to school. So we will see! Thanks for always keeping me focused .

NJgurl19

Also I will just ask he to keep the peace, thanks guys!

mbcdefg

I'm not scolding you or anything - you can do it however you want. I post on the Wedding Party board a lot and have just seen so many posts from people who asked a bunch of bridesmaids before they made their plans and then decided on a small wedding and then regretted asking all those people. Or they asked the BMs more than a year out and then got mad because the bridesmaids showed no interest in anything (wedding burnout). Or they asked the wedding party before they made the plans, and then once they announced the wedding plans people had to drop out because of work/money conflicts because they didn't know the date or location when they accepted. Just a friendly heads-up.

jaimelody

Everyone says the wedding is all about the bride and groom - but let's be serious. It's about your families joining together. I would make her BM to keep the peace as well. Don't make excuses for her about her work schedule. If she thinks she doesn't have time, she can make that decision herself. And your FI should be able to request a BM in the wedding party and not just the GM. DH had my brother on his side because I wanted him there. And, it's perfectly ok to have uneven sides!!

ksen820

I agree that you should wait to ask but I don't believe that just because someone is family that they must be with you in the BP.  I believe  you need to ask people that are close to you. 

In my case, my FSIL and her hubby are going to be in our BP but my FI's brother has been a jerk for all the time we've known him and I refuse to have him in the wedding party (FI agrees). 

You mentioned in your post that you feel a certain way about her, if that feeling is not very positive, don't force yourself to do something just to "keep the peace"

maddie7

I didnt ask my FSIL's they both have young kids - so we are having the kids in instead.

yusi196

Let's be real, we just dont marry our FI's, we marry the family. This is the first (and definately not last) of many celebrations where families come together i.e. baby showers, christenings, birthdays, holidays, etc....and a lot of times is up to us to keep the peace.

I would ask her to be in the wedding party, especially if all other siblings have been asked. If you have a feeling that she might take it personal if you dont ask her, then she probably will.

mbcdefg

I also think it makes a difference in exactly why you may not be friends with her.

If it's just a matter of you guys not being friendly, but not fighting (like if you just aren't compatable because of different interests and personalities), then it certainly couldn't hurt to have her as a BM. Again, because all she's required to do is get the dress and stand there.

If she treats you like dirt, though, then I can understand not wanting her as a BM. But I also think her age can play into that ... there's a big difference between a 16 year-old making snotty comments (because basically every 16 year-old is a biitch by nature, until she grows out of it) and a 40 year-old just being mean and hurtful to you on purpose.

But ditto Yusi ... she will be your SIL for a very long time, and your relationship with your other in-laws will also be affected by how you and the SIL get along, so it might be wise to have her as a BM to keep the peace, if nothing else. Dealing with her for one day (especially since you won't be spending a ton of time with her on your wedding day, since you will be pulled in a million different directions) is infinitely better than dealing with a family grudge for the next 25 years.

Lolyalyssa

dont ask anyone until you book a venue, a photographer and buy a dress.

Then ask her.  She is your FSIL.  I dont' like mine either but I would never be forgiven if I left her out.  It's just better to keep the peace.