EARLY REGRETS....CAN I PULL THE PLUG?

midnite007x

I will try not to make this too long but there are a few more details that go into this story....to make a long story short....I want to marry FI more than anything but i don't want the wedding. I really didn't from the get go but had a hard time imagining me getting married without my family.  everyone was so excited and on board and so i started planning a wedding that everyone could be a part of.

Flash forward....my wedding has turned into everyone elses vacation, people have broken commitments and no one except FI has helped me with anything. 

ALOT of money has come out of our pockets, everything is becoming what I didn't want.....and in the end there is no honeymoon for us. FI and I get in the car and head home after our wedding and everyone else is spending the week at the beach. To make matter worse, my parents are paying for the beach house which means i get to spend my wedding night with my parents. 

we are currently four months out....can i just pull the plug? the wedding is out of town and most people are traveling, what if they have already booked and made reservations? most of my family has but its for the entire week, so weather we get married or not they are still taking a vacation. some of my family is coming from california but they are also visiting a friend in wilmington that week and don't have to pay to fly.

part of me feels bad....but that is the same part who keeps planning this wedding for everyone else....the other part of me just wants to cancel it all, marry FI on a beach far away and spend an entire week alone.  maybe i could hang in there and make the best of it, but how do i do that without regrets?

what to do? any thoughts, ideas, advice?  

ktyd8

What does your FI think? Does he want a wedding or would he mind eloping? I think you should do what makes you happy. Would you be losing a lot of money from backing out now? It seems like your guests will probably keep their plans to come and just vacation. From a previous post with your budget that I saw, you could have an amazing honeymoon for way less then the wedding you really don't want. I say do what is going to make you happy, that's really the only way to live life!!

keserzan

In the end, it's really not their life. I don't mean that to sound horrible, but really, it's not. In the end, it's just all about you and your FI, your commitment to each other, and starting the new chapter in your lives together. I'm the opposite of you - I've wanted a HUGE wedding ever since I knew what weddings were. I had all kinds of ideas of how my wedding day would be even before I had the groom to marry. Luckily, I found a guy who has the same desires/visions as me, and that works for us.

My thing would be what ktyd8 said, if you're going to lose a bunch of money over it, then you might as well go ahead, because in losing the money, you'd probably still have budget restraints for a get-a-way like you're hoping. Sounds selfish maybe, but it's reality. If you only lose a little on deposits, or you can get all of your money back, then you have to do for you what will make BOTH of you happy. If he wants to elope too, take off girlfriend.

If I were a guest invited to a wedding at the beach and I'd planned my vacation for the same time, I wouldn't be angry or upset, only maybe confused. But again, not their concern really. Once they find out you've run off and eloped like the madly in love couple you are, then all of your family in friends will probably barf at how romantic that is.

kgaliger

I can understand your prediciment...I felt the same way about 3 months out of our wedding.  If you have people traveling from out of state and such I wouldn't cancel, but that's me.  I'd be POed if I was planning on making the trip for a friend's wedding and they just decided to not have it.  That's just me though...GL w/whatever you decide!

shigaites

I agree that I'd be pretty peeved if I was coming from out-of-state and the wedding got canceled after I bought tickets and everything.  Even if they're making it a combo trip of visiting another friend at the same time, it's likely they wouldn't be coming out at all if not for the wedding.  That said, I'd get over it eventually and any friend that couldn't get over it probably isn't that close of a friend to begin with.

What aspects of the wedding are you unhappy with?  Is it really the wedding you don't want or people pulling you in all different directions for the wedding?  I know with me, my mom is trying to turn my wedding into the one she didn't have, and she's trying to convince me to do all these things I don't want.  It's really stressing my out but my FI keeps reminding me that in the end, we're the ones paying for it so we do what we want.  Is your situation similar?

shigaites

Also, how does your FI feel about it?  You wouldn't want to cancel the wedding and have him be bummed out over it you know?

Jemmessica

Elope- run off to the beach one warm weekend with a preacher and do it! I would be devastated if I looked back on my wedding and was just angry about it all.... If I had to do all over again, it would be super small- no frills and none of the expense 

midnite007x

FI totally wants exactly the same, we both have from the start. luckily his family is a heck of alot more understanding than mine.

i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and i really don't want to take that moment away from my dad. (walking me down the aisle) but i think he would understand if he knew how frustrating this has become. i already tried to talk to my mom and she doesn't care how i feel and basically is the one making me feel guilty if i was to cancel. she even sent the contract to the beach house after i asked her not to and know tell me "too late now, it's done".

i doubt my aunt and uncle would be upset at all about it, they don't pay to fly and lie i said aren't coming just for my wedding. they travel all the time so i am sure they would come here eventually and see my family and their friends in wilmington.

i will make some phone calls tomorrow and see how much money we would be out. i'll let you guys know what happens.

thanks for all your support and honest opinions.....no matter what i decide to do i am sure i will need alot more support going forward.

ktyd8

Please don't let your mom dictate what kind of wedding you will have. That was a pretty crappy thing for her to do. Is she paying for any of it?

wlfpkbride

Definitely don't let anyone else make this decision for you. If I were in your situation I would look into a weddingmoon. Some all inclusive resorts have wonderful packages. If you're interested I can give you my TAs information. She found us a GREAT deal. Some places will do your ceremony and a small reception free if you book for 5 nights or so. You could easily do that for a few thousand dollars. As long as you don't lose too much money on deposits, etc. you could potentially come out cheaper. You can email me and I can give you my TA's contact info. matthewsk1216 at gmail dot com. HTH!

sundrop24

Maybe your mom is stressed out because she will be the one to deal and see all the family visiting?  I know my mom would be giving me the same guilt trip.  But she'll get over it too.  If you FI wants the same thing, then I don't see the reason why you need to stay and have your wedding at the beach house.  Just go, its incredibly romantic and its what you both want.  Family will always be family, and they'll understand.

As for your dad, I would talk to him individually, without mom.  I am very close with my dad and I couldn't back out without talking to him first.  He'll know how you feel then and have a better understanding. 

alliegator8

Ok, are you attached to your wedding date at all?  If not, why not go away the week before, get married on your honeymoon. Then come back and join your family for a 'reception' at the beach?  That way you guys still get the wedding that you want and your family doesn't feel as though they made the trip for nothing.

katherineUTC

Funny, I was thinking the exact same thing as Allie. If it were ME, I would totally grab FI and run off to like, the mountains, Gatlinburg, something, and go get married on some beautiful mountaintop, just the two of us. Then, turn the beach house gathering into a family celebration of sorts, for your marriage. It's a win win situation because everyone still gets to do their vacation thing, AND they get to celebrate with you.

alliegator8

Great minds think alike

Pinky09

I would def pull the plug and do what YOU want!! who cares what other people want, this is YOUR and your Fi day, Be Happy, Run away and do as YOU please!! Hope you make the right decision based on what yall want!