MOB Momzilla

Lolyalyssa

My mom starting to be a bit of a momzilla about this wedding.  What are the accepted "duties" or "responsibilities" of the MOB?

(background: my FI and I are paying for the wedding and neither set of parents is really contributing financially.  SO I'm asking what the duties are outside of paying for things and opinions you would be entitled to have if you were paying.  Also, MOB is out of town and FMIL is local FYI)

smw42

Maybe she feels left out since she's out of town and is overcompensating? I don't think there are set duties but I've assigned some little DIY projects to my mom that she wanted to help with. That's kept things very good bc she feels invovled and she's helping me out, but she isn't all up in my stuff.

akmackay

How so? I don't know, my mom would offer her advice but if I didn't want to use her idea I would tell her. My mom was my biggest support the whole time so I guess I can't see how your mom is being a momzilla without any examples.

Lolyalyssa

She definitely feels left out because she is out of town and is overcompensating.  I know that for sure.  But I'm not sure that's all it is.
 
I'll give one small example.  She says to me that its the job of the MOB to collect the something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue items.  In my mind this is something I was going to do for myself IF I wanted to. 

The picture in her mind of how this is wedding is supposed to work and the picture in my mind is different.  Her expectations and mine are different.

So I'm trying to understand as an MOB what expectations are reasonable for her to have etc...

I guess its harsh to say that she is a momzilla at this point but I'm trying to anticipate what her expectations are because at every turn they seem to be different from mine. (and when I ask her she is unable to articulate) And this ultimately leads to her being disappointed.

Lola Minnie

It sounds like your mom just wants to help since she doesn't live as close to accompany you to any meetings or see ideas.  My mom would come to some of my vendor meetings if my dh wasn't around or if I needed a woman's opinion. Granted my parents helped out monetarily wise towards our wedding but it wouldn't have made a difference if they didn't - I would still need the advice.  If I felt she was going too far, I would just say to chill out a bit.

Lolyalyssa

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_mob-momzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:faa65c6e-c527-4976-9e5f-471f3f4ee342Post:97ccef65-0e3e-4520-a925-19a5cf956eb6">Re: MOB Momzilla</a>:
[QUOTE]It sounds like your mom just wants to help since she doesn't live as close to accompany you to any meetings or see ideas.  My mom would come to some of my vendor meetings if my dh wasn't around or if I needed a woman's opinion. Granted my parents helped out monetarily wise towards our wedding but it wouldn't have made a difference if they didn't - I would still need the advice.  If I felt she was going too far, I would just say to chill out a bit.
Posted by Lola Minnie[/QUOTE]

Lola, what were actual responsibilities leading up to and including the wedding?  What did she do?

mbcdefg

It really depends on what you're talking about.

Generally, if she's not paying, then she doesn't get to dictate how things will go. However, realize that she's your mother, and she's probably been dreaming of this day just as long as you have. She also wants what's best for you, and she's probably got notions in her head (perhaps outdated ones) of what is "right" and "proper." It's not fair to shoot down all of her input just because she's not paying for your wedding ... she birthed you and raised you, after all.

If it's something like her adding people to the guest list that you cannot afford, say something like, "We've already reached the limit of what the room can hold, so we can't accommodate more people." Or, "We just can't afford to pay for these additional guests. If you want to invite these people, it'll be $x per person*, so if you want to cover them then we'd be glad to send them an invitiation." (*don't forget that the cost isn't just their plates, but also invitations and stationery and stuff like that)

If it's her commenting on personal things like your colors, shoes, etc., just say, "Thanks, I'll think about that!" and change the subject.

If it's something that won't hurt anyone if she gets her way, then pick your battles and throw her a bone where necessary. For example, MH and I did not want pew bows, but Mom really wanted them. Instead of fighting over it, I told her that she could do what she wanted if she set them up. Plus, letting her have her way on certain insignificant things may get her to back off of other stuff.

akmackay

I do think you are calling her a momzilla for no reason. She is probably hearing things from her friends/coworkers and is just repeating it back to you. My mom/MIL would say some of the oddest things and I would just say "nope, not the way it's done anymore" and they would let it go. Don't cut your mom off everytime she tries to give advice/say something. She is just trying to help, no matter how annoying it may be for you. And really, money doesn't mean much in terms of who gets the say. If she wants to invite 50 extra people, sure it makes a difference, but with these types of things no it means nothing.

akmackay

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_mob-momzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:faa65c6e-c527-4976-9e5f-471f3f4ee342Post:11a8f5d2-a34e-4d0b-8c09-67cef9432fff">Re: MOB Momzilla</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOB Momzilla : Lola, what were actual responsibilities leading up to and including the wedding?  What did she do?
Posted by Lolyalyssa[/QUOTE]

what do you mean by responsibilities? My mom was there for moral support. It wasn't like "ok, you are in charge of the invitations" b/c it just doesn't work that way. My mom came to my dress appointments, came to all my florist appts with me (DH did not care at all about this), shopped around with me on the weekends for wedding-related things, helped put together the centerpieces and other DIY things, but in the end it was b/c she wanted to help and I wanted her there. She also helped plan and put together my shower b/c it was at her house. I used her as a second opinion on most of my wedding related things.

Danes983

I try to include Mom and my FMIL. Here is how I broke it down so far

Mom- Venue Search, Gown search, BM dress search, accessory help, family guest list with addresses, hair/makeup, welcome letter, flowers

FMIL-  I had her come to the venue before we signed the contract, Invitations, family guest list with addresses, centerpiece involvement.  Bathroom Baskets

My mom lives far and my MIL lives in town where I live. But I wanted it to be even. I am sure I am missing things, but just by them feeling included helped. I am sure they would both like more, but this is what they got and I havent heard a complaint.

Lola Minnie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_mob-momzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:faa65c6e-c527-4976-9e5f-471f3f4ee342Post:11a8f5d2-a34e-4d0b-8c09-67cef9432fff">Re: MOB Momzilla</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOB Momzilla : Lola, what were actual responsibilities leading up to and including the wedding?  What did she do?
Posted by Lolyalyssa[/QUOTE]

She didn't have responsibilites but came for the venue search, first florist appt, search for dress, dress fittings, created the programs, the OOT bags.  There is alot more but she definitely helped so much that I tried to keep my mouth shut if opinions went too far.