Pain in the Butt BM - sorry for the rant

misschristinec

For the most part I have an awesome Bridal party - 8 Girls total: 6 of my best girlfriends, my fiance's sister and my cousin who I grew up with.  Guess which one is giving me problems??

My Cousin!  She's being really nasty about the BM dresses that I have selected as "the contenders."  She hasn't gone BM dress shopping because she lives in Queens.  She just had  her 2nd baby in March and still has some of her baby weight. (I dont care if she loses weight or not - losing weight is not the issue here)

She's not a big girl - I am larger than her!
She keeps making comments to me like "dont pick out a dress that shows my rolls" and "stop picking skinny girl dresses."  She's not joking she is being serious.  This weekend @ my engagement party she was way out of line by saying (in front of my FI's family and sister)  that if I pick a dress that doesnt look good on her she wont be in my wedding..  WTF. What BM has the audacity to say that?  I'm at a point where I want to say - "well dont be in my wedding."  If she is soooo concerned with not showing her gut (this is what she is really ranting about) she wouldn't have worn a 1-piece terrycloth jumper to the engagement party - where you could see every roll of bellyfat!  C'mon what's up with the double-standards?

Does she think I am going to make the rest of the girls wear burlap bags to hide their rockin bodies?  

As I mentioned - I am not a skinny bride (all of my BMs are thinner than me) and I am definitely thicker than my cousin, so it really aggravates me that she is being sooo negative about the dresses I am choosing.  This really is annoying my other BMs too - because she writes these comment in emails and replies to all.

Should I say something to her?  Am I being completely unsensitive?  Should I pick the dress I want even if she's going to hate it?

Are these dresses horrific?

I think all of the top contenders are A-Lined..  

www.alexiadesigns.com/Bridesmaids/Alexia-Designs/-Mermaid,Strapless-Style-2804/">
http://www.alexiadesigns.com/Bridesmaids/Alexia-Designs/-Mermaid,Strapless-Style-2804/
(style 2808, on the right,- with a navy dress color)

http://www.saisonblanche.com/product_info.php?cPath=23_32&products_id=155
(in navy)

http://barijay.com/style.php?coll=barijay&showid=339
(in navy)

smw42

I think the only way to deal with this is to go shopping with her and try on some dresses. Maybe she'll be pleasantly surprised at what she finds. Also, I had one girl being concerned about looking too hippy and they just ordered her a size bigger and did the alterations to give her a looser fit in the hips. They can do this for your cousin if she prefers.

If she feels like she didn't have a say in the picking process, she's going to complain and make your life miserable no matter how good she looks in the gown. I went to a bridal store in queens called Alexandra's Boutique and was very happy with their selection- could you take the train out there one day and go gown shopping with her? Make a day of it and do lunch with her and try to keep things positive. No matter how ridiculous her opinions are, if you make her feel like her opinions matter it'll make both of your lives easier.

Good luck!

jrgoogrl

I'm sorry to hear that your cousin is giving you so much stress. Have you tried to sit down and talk to her about it? I think the dresses you picked are beautiful!

Do you want all your girls wearing the same exact dress? Or can they wear different dresses by the same designer in the same color?

I think it might be best to try and talk to her. She has no right being snarky to you at your own engagment party in front of your future IL's! That's rude. If she still remains to be snarky after trying to talk to her about the fact that this is your special day, and that  you sympathize with the way she may feel, then it may be best to remove her. I know it's family, but if she's giving drama to your other BM's that's not right either.

Laurms15

I could only see the last two but I like the saison blanche (sp?) one a lot Its similar to what my girls wore. I  had a variety of sizes in my BP I think we went from 2-18 and pregnant and they all looked great.






The pregnant one is behind the lady with the hat but you can kind of see her ample bust!

mbcdefg

All the bridesmaids should get an opportunity to try on a few dresses and voice their opinions. So if her complaint is that you're just going to pick a dress on their behalf, then she has a point. If they are buying and wearing the dresses, then it's not fair for you to just pick something and tell them to wear it.

But if you ARE taking them to try on the dresses (or giving them an opportunity to go try them on by themselves, and give you a vote by a deadline date), then she's complaining over nothing. But it sounds like she may have some body issues with being a new mom, so I'd try to cut her some slack. Yeah, she's being a pill by complaining, but you can just ignore her.

One option is to pick a designer (make sure it's one they can all afford!), color, fabric and skirt length, and let them pick their own styles from there. It'll still look uniform but they can get individually flattering dresses.

If you want them all in the same outfit, then let them all try it on and vote, and majority rules. But if they are strapless, then it'd be considerate to allow them to add spaghetti straps if they want, because strapless just does not work on some girls.

kwilkinson14

I would suggest going out with her to try on some of the dresses that you have selected. She may be suprised by how they look on her. If she still complains after that then I would consider removing her. Although would that make the situation worse instead of better? Would your aunt/uncle be upset with you then?

I know I was trying to avoid this situation with my BM. I picked out a designer, color, and length. The girls themselves were able to pick out the style that suited them the best. 3 out of the 4 girls were there to try on samples and i really liked the way it looked.

misschristinec

thanks for the tips.. I think I will offer to go to Queens and try on dresses with her..

What also annoys me is that I've schedule 2 separate dress shopping trips - and she didn't put any effort to attend either (I have BMs who live in Virginia/Harrisburg, Pa/ Philly - who made one or the other shopping trip).  My other BM has 2 kids too, so my cousin is not the only one with children.

I've explicitly asked her to send me pictures of dresses she likes, but she sent me nothing.    Meanwhile other girls proactively sent me dresses they liked - I didnt even ask them to do that. 

I've asked for all sorts of opinions and it's definitely going to be a majority rules vote - i'm democratic!

I also think the other girls love the fact that the dress I love is $175 with 20% off!  so it will be around $140.

mbcdefg

I wouldn't "remove" her. That won't do anything except piss her off, piss off your/her family, and make you look like an insensitive bridezilla.

I'm not saying that you absolutely have to bend over backwards and change your color scheme or formality to make her happy (especially if she's the type of person who's just NEVER happy with anything), but make an honest attempt to work with her by letting her try stuff on, being open to different styles or at least letting them add straps to a strapless dress. Sometimes, when only one BM is complaining, it doesn't necessarily mean that she's being the only "difficult" one ... it might mean that the others feel the same way, but she's the only one who's willing to speak up.

If it just gets to the point where she's vetoing absolutely everything just to be difficult, then at that point you could say, "Well, we have to make a decision on the dresses soon, so we'll take a vote amongst the BMs and majority rules." She can either suck it up and order the dress, or drop out of the wedding on her own.

But leave the ball in her court and let HER decide if she wants to drop out ... there is no gracious way for you to kick her out, even if she's the one doing all the complaining. Give her the info about what dress to get, where to get it and when the ordering deadline is, and then wash your hands of it. She'll most likely do it on her own. And if she doesn't, she's removed herself from the wedding and you are not to blame.

Is your cousin always a difficult person? If so, you can't really expect her to change just because she's your bridesmaid. If not, then maybe her post-baby body is making her sad, or maybe there's something legitimately wrong with the dresses you picked (too expensive, too figure-hugging, too much cleavage), or mabye there's something else going on in her life that's making her sad. If she's normally easygoing and this is a new behavior for her, try taking her out for coffee and ask her if something is bothering her.

Danes983

I am so sorry that your having to deal with this.  Maybe my opinion is a little harsh but here is what I think.  If your other girls were able to come from Va/Philly whereever to 1 of the 2 appointments you set and she didnt feel the need to come to either then thats on her.  If she couldnt make it for other obligations, she should have asked you to go when she was available for a 3rd trip. At least then you would have known she was interested.  But for her to not offer and do nothing but complain thats just crap.  She has two kids, she needs to grow up and act  like and adult and be there for you instead of making your life miserable. I agree with PP about the majority rules thing and maybe she will drop out on her own.  But I do not think you should let the girls pick their own style dress if that was not your original vision for your wedding.  But just and FYI I did that and it wasnt much easier. GL

mbcdefg

I just looked at your dress choices ... are they slim A-lines? Those are different and clingier than regular A-lines, so they very well may not look good on someone who's not thin.

Also, did you ask each girl about her budget before you showed them these dresses? It's possible that your cousin can't afford them and that's the root behind her complaints. Call each girl privately and ask what she can afford to spend, then look for dresses in the lowest price range (or chip in some money to help out, if the dresses you want cost more than that).

reese511

i agree...your cousin is being pretty selfish.  but i also think the dresses you've chosen are not a style that would look good on everyone.  (like me!)  if its really important to you to make everyone happy, let them pick their own dresses in the same fabric.  J.crew has a new store on madison ave...maybe you can meet her in the city and try those dresses on. 

i have been a bridesmaid So many times...and honestly...the times where i was "forced" into a dress...i was miserable and uncomfortable and i did not enjoy myself.  i didnt feel pretty.  but the times where i was able to choose the dress that fit my body type...i had a much more enjoyable day.  remember...these girls are going to be in these dresses ALL DAY.  comfort is key.  if you want them all in the same exact dress...go for an empire waist.  those look good on pretty much everyone and they're comfortable.

HTH!

Reilly626

It sounds like she doesnt really wanna be in it... just having a baby makes you feel self-conscious too....