Bridesmaid dilemma

elizabethb3511

So, one of my bridesmaids is trying to get pregnant and I think she's using it as an excuse to get out of my wedding party!   I love her to death and I don't want to get in the way of her family planning.  She says she is timing it based on her work schedule but it comes relatively soon after I jokingly told her and my sister they couldn't get pregnant (or at least not be that far along and showing).  Seriously I'm thrilled for her if she is but I wish she'd have been more honest and upfront about the whole situation. 

I already had to tell several of my friends that they couldn't be bridesmaids (since my FI's friends are limited) and now how do I go back to one of them and say "I know I didn't original pick you, BUT..."???  I've been racking my brain for any other friend I haven't already talked with.

I guess a positive note is that the dresses haven't been ordered yet!

Thoughts ladies??

Beth0882

In advance I want to say that I don't mean for this to come off as rude --- because I hate when I read people's responses that are that way, and I don't come on here to see people being put down.  But after reading your post here are my thoughts:

I highly doubt that your friend is getting pregnant just so she can get out of your wedding.  Having a child is a very big decision in someone's life and there is no way someone is going to say "hey, I don't actually want to be in that wedding--why don't we have a kid instead.  That way insteadof paying $150 for a BM dress and hair/makeup, etc., we will pay $1 million dollars over this kid's lifetime!"  If the conversation felt awkward at all, maybe it was because SHE felt awkward after your joke -- not that your joke was bad (as long as it really came off as a joke!). 

Instead of just assuming she wants out o the wedding party, I would talk to her and tell her you are happy, ad that you guys will have to come up with a dress plan -- maybe your sister and friend can wear different dresses in the same color so she can have something that fits if she actually gets pregnant and is showing at wedding time.  If she really doesn't feel like being in the wedding, then she will now have to speak up and say so. 

Obviously you picked her out of all your friends to be a BM for a reason, so I am sure she wants to be in your wedding.  And I am sure you aren't going to want to replace her just because she is trying to get pregnant.  If you really think she doesn't want to be in the wedding, see what happens when you tell her you will do everything you can to accomodate her at this stage of her planning!

caseyeverhart

My maid of honor may be 9 months pregnant on my wedding day...if they decide to go with their current plan.  My bridesmaids are all getting to pick out their own dress so shes going to wait till closer time to get hers, just in case she needs to find a style to go with her tummy. 

She's not exactly thrilled at the option to be extremely pregnant in all the wedding photos but she is super excited to be in my wedding.  I think if shes your close friend she would still want to be a bridesmaid?  I can't imagine what the reason behind not being in someones wedding and getting pregnant are...except you don't want to look pregnant in the photos?

I second talking to her about it and seeing what her real feelings are!

FutureMrsFraser

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_north-carolina_bridesmaid-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:115Discussion:94b33da0-5f23-4b81-8e27-c178fc1fdb71Post:adbb26b4-411b-4e7e-8929-4da9938eafde">Bridesmaid dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]So, one of my bridesmaids is trying to get pregnant and I think she's using it as an excuse to get out of my wedding party!   I love her to death and I don't want to get in the way of her family planning.  She says she is timing it based on her work schedule but it comes relatively soon after I jokingly told her and my sister they couldn't get pregnant (or at least not be that far along and showing).  Seriously I'm thrilled for her if she is but I wish she'd have been more honest and upfront about the whole situation.  I already had to tell several of my friends that they couldn't be bridesmaids (since my FI's friends are limited) and now how do I go back to one of them and say "I know I didn't original pick you, BUT..."???  I've been racking my brain for any other friend I haven't already talked with. I guess a positive note is that the dresses haven't been ordered yet! Thoughts ladies??
Posted by elizabethb3511[/QUOTE]

<p>Please don't take this as being offensive, I really don't mean it that way, but since I am a parent, I can see this situation from her point of view, if she is planning on getting pregnant.

First of all, Having a baby is a major major, huge, bigger than getting married step in ones life. I'm  not saying  your friend feels this way, but honestly, your wedding is not more important than her decision to start a family. And if she is trying to time it so it will work well with her work schedule, kudos for her for planning  and thinking ahead. No one will be as excited about your wedding or think it's as important as you do.

Secondly, she's your friend... you picked her to be your BM for a reason... who cares if she's pregnant at your wedding? I can promise you, she will look just as good as the rest of your BMs. Yes, she will probably have to have a different dress style, but so what? Is her dress more important than her being there with you on your wedding day, then I'm sorry, that's a pretty crappy move as a friend on your part. If it is that important for her to have the same dress, I suggest getting an empire waist dress, that way she can order it a few sizes bigger to accommodate for her growing tummy. I wore mostly non-maternity clothing when I was pregnant, and found that empire waist shirts/dresses fit just like a maternity dress/shirt would.

And no, don't ask another friend to be in your wedding in place of your friend... that goes along the same lines as the A and B guest list... it's just rude. And it would also be very damaging to your friendship with this person if you kicked her out of the WP because she's pregnant.

Oh, and I really hope you were really joking when you told your sister and her that they couldn't get pregnant because of your wedding... that screams bridezilla.

Just my opinion. </p>

shigaites

I have to agree with what's already been said.  I really seriously doubt that is her motivation for getting pregnant (or at least I sincerely hope it's not!!).

elizabethb3511

Hey, thanks for the posts. I appreciate that you all are not trying to be critical of my situation.  I'm not trying to kick her out because she'll be pregnant in the photos or anything.  She's the one who keeps bringing up the fact that I don't really have to include her as a BM.  I keep trying to reassure her that I still want her in the bridal party.  I guess that's where I feel she's trying to be passive agressive with getting out of the whole thing.  She's the one recommending I replace her.  I agree that I need to have a personal talk with her about her true wishes. 

Beth0882

If that's the case (and sorry if I misunderstood your first post) I would just be straight up with her and tell her next time she brings it up that you really would love her to be in the wedding party as sh means alot to you, and you have no trouble doing whatever needs to be done to accoidate her if she is lucky enough to get pregnant, and that its really no big deal weddingparty wise on your part if she is pregnant (obviously its a big deal to her and you as her friend, but it doesn't affect wedding planning at all) --  but if for some reason she isn't comfortable being in the WP then you understand and she just needs to let you know. 

I wonder if your joke was taken the wrong way and she is worried that you will be upset with her now that she is trying to get pregnant so she is trying to give YOU a way to "let her go" so to speak-- so both of you are kind of working at cross-purposes. 

FutureMrsFraser

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_north-carolina_bridesmaid-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:115Discussion:94b33da0-5f23-4b81-8e27-c178fc1fdb71Post:4173606b-9b75-483a-b473-70ce09f0f64e">Re: Bridesmaid dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]If that's the case (and sorry if I misunderstood your first post) I would just be straight up with her and tell her next time she brings it up that you really would love her to be in the wedding party as sh means alot to you, and you have no trouble doing whatever needs to be done to accoidate her if she is lucky enough to get pregnant, and that its really no big deal weddingparty wise on your part if she is pregnant (obviously its a big deal to her and you as her friend, but it doesn't affect wedding planning at all) --  but if for some reason she isn't comfortable being in the WP then you understand and she just needs to let you know.  I wonder if your joke was taken the wrong way and she is worried that you will be upset with her now that she is trying to get pregnant so she is trying to give YOU a way to "let her go" so to speak-- so both of you are kind of working at cross-purposes. 
Posted by Beth0882[/QUOTE]


Ditto this... I didn't realize that in OP either.

Mrs.Faison

Are we talking about the same BM? I had the same issue with one of my BMs. She just kept saying "I don't have to be in it. . " "You can replace me. . ." so I finally just asked her what the deal was and she said her funds were limited. It may be she's not  able to finanacially able or can't commit to being there for you 100% or as much as she'd like. It's a sticky situation but I wouldn't stress too much.

manda4paws

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_north-carolina_bridesmaid-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:115Discussion:94b33da0-5f23-4b81-8e27-c178fc1fdb71Post:adbb26b4-411b-4e7e-8929-4da9938eafde">Bridesmaid dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]So, one of my bridesmaids is trying to get pregnant and I think she's using it as an excuse to get out of my wedding party!   I love her to death and I don't want to get in the way of her family planning.  She says she is timing it based on her work schedule but it comes relatively soon after I jokingly told her and my sister they couldn't get pregnant (or at least not be that far along and showing).  Seriously I'm thrilled for her if she is but I wish she'd have been more honest and upfront about the whole situation.  I already had to tell several of my friends that they couldn't be bridesmaids (since my FI's friends are limited) and now how do I go back to one of them and say "I know I didn't original pick you, BUT..."???  I've been racking my brain for any other friend I haven't already talked with. I guess a positive note is that the dresses haven't been ordered yet! Thoughts ladies??
Posted by elizabethb3511[/QUOTE]

i realize you claim that you jokingly told them they couldn't do this but maybe she took it to heart and thinks that you are really bothered by it now and that is why she is uncomfortable. even if someone told me i couldn't get pregnant jokingly b/c they don't want me to be; i would have had to tell them to kiss my @ss.
the good thing is that you are thrilled for her but honestly, she doesn't have to be honest and upfront with you about getting pregnant. that is a decision between her and her husband and they don't have to clue you or anyone else in on the details;  until they decide to announce "hey, we're having a baby"

elizabethb3511

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_north-carolina_bridesmaid-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:115Discussion:94b33da0-5f23-4b81-8e27-c178fc1fdb71Post:48983ce5-1126-499e-8cab-e825fbe0df30">Re: Bridesmaid dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Bridesmaid dilemma : i realize you claim that you jokingly told them they couldn't do this but maybe she took it to heart and thinks that you are really bothered by it now and that is why she is uncomfortable. even if someone told me i couldn't get pregnant jokingly b/c they don't want me to be; i would have had to tell them to kiss my @ss. the good thing is that you are thrilled for her but honestly, she doesn't have to be honest and upfront with you about getting pregnant. that is a decision between her and her husband and they don't have to clue you or anyone else in on the details;  until they decide to announce "hey, we're having a baby"
Posted by manda4paws[/QUOTE]

I'm not saying be upfront about getting pregnant or not....I'm saying she should be more upfront with me about being a BM regardless of her reasons!    LISTEN, I know how my friend and I joke around and trust me, she understood clearly that it was a joke. 

Manda4paws, you need to stop being so judgmental of other people and always so negative towards their posts. Give people the benefit of doubt before you take someone's post off the deep end.

manda4paws

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_north-carolina_bridesmaid-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:115Discussion:94b33da0-5f23-4b81-8e27-c178fc1fdb71Post:8e6dbaf8-2c07-475c-89b5-d38944f08edb">Re: Bridesmaid dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid dilemma : I'm not saying be upfront about getting pregnant or not....I'm saying she should be more upfront with me about being a BM regardless of her reasons!    LISTEN, I know how my friend and I joke around and trust me, she understood clearly that it was a joke.  <strong>Manda4paws, you need to stop being so judgmental of other people and always so negative towards their posts. Give people the benefit of doubt before you take someone's post off the deep end.
</strong>Posted by elizabethb3511[/QUOTE]

YOU LISTEN....first and foremost this is a public place and just as you can voice your issues i can comment on them and i can be as judgmental and honest as i want. if you take it to heart and can't look it over, i suggest you don't post them. i have been on this board a LOOOONG time so before you pass judgement on me you better check and see that this is my nature. you call it negativity and i call it honesty, we agree to disagree.....but before you start calling people out you better get to know them. most girls that have been on this board with me for well over a year will tell you i am dead honest in my opinions and its not personal. sorry if you take it personal but that is a decision you made for yourself. like i said, PUBLIC place, you can post your issues and i can comment on them!!! i only made a suggestion that maybe she took it to heart and how I would have felt....maybe YOU should read a little more carefully. no one was attacking you!!!

FutureMrsFraser

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_north-carolina_bridesmaid-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:115Discussion:94b33da0-5f23-4b81-8e27-c178fc1fdb71Post:8e6dbaf8-2c07-475c-89b5-d38944f08edb">Re: Bridesmaid dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid dilemma : I'm not saying be upfront about getting pregnant or not....I'm saying she should be more upfront with me about being a BM regardless of her reasons!    LISTEN, I know how my friend and I joke around and trust me, she understood clearly that it was a joke.  Manda4paws, you need to stop being so judgmental of other people and always so negative towards their posts. Give people the benefit of doubt before you take someone's post off the deep end.
Posted by elizabethb3511[/QUOTE]

I just realized you posted the "Tag Line" post a few weeks ago.

I don't think anyone on this board is attacking you. You didn't give all of the information in your OP about the fact that your BM keeps telling you "she doesn't have to be in it" etc. That changes the whole aspect of your post alltogether. In your OP it really does seem like you are taking her trying to get pregnant as an excuse to be out of your wedding, and it really is possible that your friend took your joke the wrong way, especially when you are talking about something that's so important to you (your wedding) and something that's so important to her (having a baby)

Please don't come on this board and lash out at other people because you don't like their responses to your questions. The national boards are ALOT more harsh than any girl on this board will ever be, maybe you should go ask your questions there if you don't like the way people respond to you here, because I really don't think anyone is attacking you.

stefanyjoy

If I was trying to have a baby, and my bridezilla friend actually set a timeframe when I can and cannot conceive, I'd drop out of her wedding. Ugh. That would totally foreshadow the wedding experience to come.