Giving up

daco2306

I love this site, can I just say? Its amazing! But...

Although my fiance and I are meant to be together, and love each other, and have the same feeling about getting married, his family is being particularly awful. They refuse to communicate with us about the wedding, as if I don't even exist. And on top of that, amongst my hard work of early planning, I'm running into the same, big, issue: my budget. We're college students, trying to afford our own wedding. That's right, we're paying for everything ourselves, because my father's deceased, my mother's in debt, and his family hates me. Despite my attempts of coming up with the most inexpensive options, I'm still coming up very overwhelmed. Which brings me to this word: elope. My fiance and I, after having a bad night, were laying in bed and spoke the word. I have to say its not completely out of the question for me. But how do you know when its really the right thing to do? My family's fantastic, but they live thousands of miles away, and have their own lives, I'm just having difficulty finding any guidance in this matter. I think the words are, "I should do what makes me happy" but I'm not the only being affected by this. Any advice ladies?

HillShmill

I think eloping gets a bad rap. A friend of ours recently eloped for the same reasons you did - they didn't have the money for a wedding and his family is full of drama. They've been married for a couple months now and will be holding a backyard bbq as an after wedding party. Cheap, causal, and you still get to celebrate your marriage with your friends.

I don't understand how some couples are willing to go into serious debt just to throw a one-night party for their wedding. All that matters is that you and your FI love each other and that the moment you both say I DO is special. And special doesn't have to cost serious money.

I support elopement

NcsuPsych

Don't give up

I agree, eloping does have a bad rep when it really doesnt need to have it.
I think that you know you're ready to elope when you've exhausted your options and elopping is the best option for you and your FI.

My husband and I also paid for our whole wedding. While he has a good job, I don't so it was very stressful. I completely understand on that aspect. However I'm worried about your FI family. If they're rude to you, does he stick up for you? When you guys get married, you should come first before his family, because you are now his family.

Another option for you would just have a small intimate wedding if you want. It could even just be your mom. You could go to the courthouse. Wear a nice dress and then go out to dinner afterwards and have a great night. It would save you the stress and finances as well as earn the goal your wanting (being married to your FI).

I'm sorry you're going threw this though. Sending postive vibes your way!

daco2306

Thank you so much for the support ladies. It really helps. I think what's hardest to accept about eloping is how brainwashed I've been up until now. I'm a big TV and movie person, and all the examples of traditional marriage are these big, expensive, celebrations. So its hard for me not to think I HAVE to have the ceremony, reception, the flowers, cake, food, music, tables, guests, and with all the options on this site, it was even more necessary. But I realized through all this that I'm really not a traditional person. I've been pretty independant in my life, and my family always practiced doing their own thing. Where on the other hand, his family is glued together, with high expectations of life, and low tolerance for things they deem unworthy of their son. I was worried that he should be more forceful with his family on my behalf, but even when I put forth effort to create some dialogue, they just shut me down. Its like talking to a brick wall. And with all the guilt and shame he feels, I don't expect him to start a war for me. But its easy for me to dismiss them considering my family's so detatched. I don't mean to cause the same thing in his family, but if they refuse to accept us, I know he'll pick me over what they want for him.

The idea of the elopement being cost efficient, and romantic, and what we want, is very tantilizing. All the money we've collected so far could go to a memorable honeymoon. But then I think of my grandparents (I have four sets). They love me, and I love them, and I don't want them to think that I was selfish. Maybe if I have the casual reception, it'll give everyone a chance to celebrate, without the hastle of a full-fledged wedding. Again, thanks so much girls! And good luck to both of you!

pirategal03

We talked a lot about eloping.  For us, it came down to our parents and my Granny.  They would have all been heartbroken to not see us get married.  Anyone else, all the aunts/uncles/cousins/friends, they'd have been happy to be invited to a party to celebrate if that's what we'd chosen.  But I don't think my Granny would have gotten over not being there. 

So, I guess what I'm saying is if you really want to elope, and it wouldn't put any additional strain on your relationships with your family, then do it.  Send announcements.  Have a celebration when you're back.

Also, I wasn't well received by my H's sister while we were dating and engaged.  I won't say that things are like night and day now, but there is a substancial difference in our relationship, people (other than me) have noticed and commented.  It's possible that his family will take you and your relationship more seriously once you're married.  Or they could just be exactly the same.  I just wanted to throw that out there for a little bit of hope.

alliegator8

I agree with everyone else.  Eloping gets a bad rep. 

When my husband and I first got engaged, our plan was to go to Hawaii and get married on the beach with just our parents, siblings, and maybe grandparents and a super close friend or two.  We were thinking about 15 people max.  We ended up scratching the plan for 1 reason.  My husband is Jewish (in the Jewish faith, everything goes down through the boys). Since Nathan is the only boy on his mom's side, him getting married was a huge deal to his grandparents.  They weren't going to be able to make the trip to Hawaii b/c of the distance. So we had a smaller beach wedding, 60 guest, here in NC.

We also paid for our wedding, and it was tough.  So I understand how you feel.  I think if you have the money for a nice trip, go!  Of there are a few close family members you think might want to join you (your mom, grandparents, etc.), invite them!  One of my dear friends got married in St. Lucia this year.  They had a few people there with them.  it was a small wedding on the beach with less then 10 people.  The pictures were beautiful and I was super jealous of them.

Anyway, I say go for it!  if you have enough set aside, go somewhere fantastic and marry your best friend!  Those who really care about you will understand.

shigaites

We're were really close to eloping.  His mom even encouraged us to to save money haha.  We still ended up having a small wedding, only 50 guests or so.  I say go for it!

HurricaneKara

I live in Wisconsin. My fiance was born in NC. And so we too, have family everywhere. My parents are just 'normal' parents. They aren't dirt poor and they aren't rich. I've always assumed we'd get a nice wedding gift from them. But not a paid for wedding or even wedding help.

I like a lot of things, and I know if the people would come, and the wedding would be a night I'd never forget. I'd do everything in my power to come up with the funds. And have it be everything I wish for. BUT my family, too is full of drama. Mostly just on my side. Ha. My parents dislike my grandma. And she knows it. But shows up uninvited anyways... no matter what is happening. I don't have much of a problem with my Gma  except she's going senial. LMFAO. She loves me one day, hates me the next. WHATEVER. I've even gotten to the point of just 'faking' getting married. To not deal with the stress. (Hand fasting is the right word... spiritually getting married. Not legally.) BUT it was still the same thing floating through my head "WHY WEREN'T WE INVITED?!" And then about 3 weeks ago... after pushing it off for the last 2 years... I decided this is the year. No more waiting. No more debating.

I'm inviting my two sets of parents (they are divorced.) (OH and I still have yet to tell my real dad I'm engaged. surprise!) and I'm inviting my fiance's parents. Then we are inviting our brothers. (we don't have any sisters between us, ha.) I'm also just inviting my younger brothers, my older ones are just drama. And Matt's inviting all 3 brothers that reside in Wisco.

We are getting married at a courthouse. And I'm focusing more on our attire.... I want the pictures to turn out really nice. And be really coheasive. We're going to have cake after the wedding. Then at a later date, have a 'get-together/reception' at my in-laws house 4 hours south of where we are living. So my inlaws family and friends can all be there to give us well wishes.

I gave up too! And I still give up. This ^^^^ is my 'giving up'. Getting the day over with. The after is all that matters.

GOOD LUCK!