Nevada-Las Vegas

My mom has given me the "guilties" - opinions??


So, just to preclude this post, my FI and I are eloping to Vegas - him, me, his mom, his brother. My mom is not able to come for other reasons not gonna get into, but nothing personal - its my second wedding, shes very far away, not able to travel. shes still excited etc.

I have a 2.5 year old daughter. I made the choice to not include her in the Vegas trip because 1. shes two. 2. she wont remember being there. 3. Its not a "wedding" where everyone is oohhing and aahhing and a basket of rose petels. 4. we are planning a "renewal" next year in which she absoultly will be part of. 5. If i did take her, it would cost a fortune for an in-house hotel sitter (45 bucks an hour, if you wanna know lol). 6. While vegas is "kid friendly" i have never been to vegas and i want to be able to spend all night at the casino or whatever. Plus, its tech my honeymoon.

My mom feels that I am setting my daughter up to "resent me" whens shes older and realizes she wasnt there. That I will hate myself for not having her there with me. That I am not including her in "becoming a family" and not allowing my daughter and FI to "bond" at that moment of becoming a family. My mother feels that I am being "selfish" for wanting to, as I told her, "enjoy myself, have late nights and enjoy drinking for once" (I NEVER drink when I have my daughter around, and rarely when  I dont, for the simple fact that its not exactly a good idea to be hung over and dealing with a very active 2 year old)

My daughter will be with her dad while we are in Vegas (in case anyone was wondering where she was going to be, exactly lol). We are doing this elopment in between my hectic work sched and his deployment sched.

So, of course, i feel extreamly guilty about it - I talked to FI about the option, and he is fine with it, but it means buying another airline ticket, paying for babysitters when we wanted to go out (shows, casinos etc etc) which really really adds up...not saying she is not worth it, but FI made a point that he didnt even rememer his own moms 2nd marraige when he was 7.

So, do you think its a good idea to just figure out how to logisticly make it work by taking her, or leave it as is and try not to feel guilty about her not being there?

Am i being selfish or smart? :-/
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Re: My mom has given me the "guilties" - opinions??

  • MizLynnMizLynn member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    This is a tough one! 

    Well, I don't know that she'll resent you for it for the reasons you listed above (too young, won't remember, etc.) espcially since you're planning a renewal which I'm assuming will be more traditional wedding-ish and that she might actually remember, be a real part of and have pictures to look back on etc. etc.

    I think though, the real "tie-breaker" should be how will you feel not having her there? Will you regret not having her there when you think back on your wedding, will you regret that she spent X-amount-of-time with a hotel babysitter, or will you regret that you didn't get your honeymoon/wedding the way you planned because of your responsibilities to your little one?

    Which is the lesser of the three evils?

  • edited December 2011
    It sounds to me that your mom is the one that is resentful about not being able to come. You say that she is okay with not being there, but to be honest, I don't buy it. Part of your FI's side of the family will be present for your wedding, but no one on your side will be. If I were your mom, I probably wouldn't be happy either. You might want to chat with her about that.

    If you don't want to bring your daughter because you want the total Las Vegas experience, than don't bring her.  
  • edited December 2011
    If you're doing the Vegas wedding/honeymoon thing, then I think it would be WORSE to have her sit in a hotel with an unknown babysitter all the time! At least if she stays at home, she's with her dad. Aren't you only going to be out there for a couple days, anyway? I get your mom's point, but I think what you're planning now is the right choice.
  • edited December 2011
    Ditto Natrasha!!

    I honestly believe you are doing the right thing leaving her with her father. Even though you are a mother, you deserve to have "adult" time in Vegas for your wedding. It would be the same thing as if you got married locally and you went on a honeymoon...you probably wouldnt bring her with. And it makes no sense to leave her with a babysitter in Vegas when she can stay with her father and you know she is safe. How are you supposed to enjoy yourself at a show etc.. when you know your daughter is in the care of a stranger?

    And ditto Olivea...
    I think your mother is feeling guilty about not being able to come so shes going to pass on that guilt to you...even if her "defense" doesn't make any sense.

    Hope it all works out for you!
  • edited December 2011
    Ok we are dealing with this one two, fiance has 2 stepdaughters one is 7 and one is 4 we are not taking either of his daughters either. When we first started planning our wedding we were going to have a huge at home wedding so they were gonna be flower girls, once we decided to switch to a DW we had a talk with the daughters and asked if they would be mad not to be there, I was planning on getting both girls a gift and presenting it to them at the wedding. I told them they both will still get their necklaces from me and at our AHR I would still get them their flower girl dresses and they were completly ok with it! If your not having an AHR I still think its fine, especially since you are planning a vow renewal in a year she can be part of. 

    However I do want pictures as a family in our wedding gear so after we get back I think we are gonna do a photo shoot in my wedding dresses, there dresses and FI all dressed up. 

    Dont stress over it, you are not a bad person... lots of people do it and I dont think your child will hate you!Cool
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_mom-given-guilties-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:91Discussion:997603ff-ad9a-4987-8bb5-9d34db7c9b08Post:3656ce17-2788-464d-8581-2888f95922a4">Re: My mom has given me the "guilties" - opinions??</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok we are dealing with this one two, fiance has 2 stepdaughters one is 7 and one is 4 we are not taking either of his daughters either. m[/QUOTE]

    <div>Oooppps meant FI has 2 daughters! lol</div>
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  • edited December 2011
    I havent got children so probably have a different perspective but I definitely wouldnt take a 2 year old to Vegas. All my friends who have children are leaving them at home to come to my wedding. It is only a couple of days and she will be with her father. I think you should let your hair down and enjoy yourself!
  • smokeybaileysmokeybailey member
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Why are you planning a renewal one year after you get married? 
    Bi-oh-rama
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    I don't get married often, but when I do, I do it in Las Vegas.

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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_mom-given-guilties-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:91Discussion:997603ff-ad9a-4987-8bb5-9d34db7c9b08Post:0a7cb284-2e07-4325-a2a6-9ebd13e4c056">Re: My mom has given me the "guilties" - opinions??</a>:
    [QUOTE]It sounds to me that your mom is the one that is resentful about not being able to come. You say that she is okay with not being there, but to be honest, I don't buy it. Part of your FI's side of the family will be present for your wedding, but no one on your side will be. If I were your mom, I probably wouldn't be happy either. You might want to chat with her about that. If you don't want to bring your daughter because you want the total Las Vegas experience, than don't bring her.  
    Posted by Olivea12[/QUOTE]

    This. TBH My mom joked about "Just Get Married!!" but I knew if we did without her there she would have been very upset.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_mom-given-guilties-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:91Discussion:997603ff-ad9a-4987-8bb5-9d34db7c9b08Post:a26517ce-6fe0-4d80-a4a8-2eea1d752996">Re: My mom has given me the "guilties" - opinions??</a>:
    [QUOTE]Why are you planning a renewal one year after you get married? 
    Posted by smokeybailey[/QUOTE]

    Yes, I wondered the same thing?? You only get one wedding and I feel a renewal is much more important for say 10, 20, 25 years down the line. I would save the money and go on a kick- ass anniversary vacation.

    As to your original question, she is 2, she wont remember. I don't think you should have to bring her if you don't want to. Not everyone is going to agree with any choice that you make, you don't bring her your mom says your selfish, you bring her someone else could say a child has no business being in Vegas. You are not going to please everyone and just ignore your mother and don't feel guilty if you truly trust your own decision.
  • MNVegasMNVegas member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I'd rather leave a 2 year old home with her father than to take her to Vegas and leave her with some stranger in a hotel room. Doubt that would be much fun for your daughter.
  • edited December 2011
    I agree with Natrasha too.  What is the point in bringing her if she is going to be with strangers for most of the time.  She will not remember not being there.

    My FI has two kids 11 & 8 and they are not coming with us and are totally fine with it.  We did tell them that we will take a cool family vacation  next summer though.  Not for them not coming, but because we want to.  We are acutally not having the "big wedding" here and going to Vegas just to save money for that vaca, so they are just fine with it.

    I say go and have a great time!
  • edited December 2011
    thank you ladies - yeah, i am only in vegas for about 5 days total....I also feel that I would feel MORE guilty having her at the hotel with a stranger then home with her dad and toys and her movies lol....

    I think I will feel a little down not having her with me, but I know its the best choice - FI and I are planning a "ceremony/voe renewal" something or other next year because the family does want to be apart of a party lol - i guess everyone loves a wedding!!

    Thank you !!!
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_mom-given-guilties-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:91Discussion:997603ff-ad9a-4987-8bb5-9d34db7c9b08Post:3336ba27-0cdd-4415-aa9c-cd60d95cf8d6">Re: My mom has given me the "guilties" - opinions??</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: My mom has given me the "guilties" - opinions??
    <strong>You only get one wedding</strong>
    Posted by ahhhitsshannyn[/QUOTE]

    Despite how true it is, I feel like this is one of the most overused phrases on TK.

    LOL just had to put that out there.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_mom-given-guilties-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:91Discussion:997603ff-ad9a-4987-8bb5-9d34db7c9b08Post:668927a1-1d65-46d6-b340-0ca0a9f00d62">Re: My mom has given me the "guilties" - opinions??</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: My mom has given me the "guilties" - opinions?? : Despite how true it is, I feel like this is one of the most overused phrases on TK. LOL just had to put that out there.
    Posted by ebonyivory10[/QUOTE]

    I agree that it is over used, but really....people do not understand that. That's why weddings are supposed to be so special, since there should be (theoretically) only one of them.

    Before I came to TK I had never heard of an AHR, and even still it is kind of hard for me to understand. Wouldn't that just be a party!!?? It must be just me but I still don't get it!
  • smokeybaileysmokeybailey member
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_mom-given-guilties-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:91Discussion:997603ff-ad9a-4987-8bb5-9d34db7c9b08Post:23f88b07-6991-404c-9872-3bc7519e64c7">Re: My mom has given me the "guilties" - opinions??</a>:
    [QUOTE]thank you ladies - yeah, i am only in vegas for about 5 days total....I also feel that I would feel MORE guilty having her at the hotel with a stranger then home with her dad and toys and her movies lol.... I think I will feel a little down not having her with me, but I know its the best choice -<strong> FI and I are planning a "ceremony/voe renewal" something or other next year because the family does want to be apart of a party</strong> lol - i guess everyone loves a wedding!! Thank you !!!
    Posted by 1sttimenavywife2be[/QUOTE]

    Why don't you just have a wedding where everyone can come instead of doing it twice?

    I <strong>knew </strong>my spidey senses were tingling.

    ::puts on judgy pants::
    Bi-oh-rama
    Now with more wedded bliss.


    I don't get married often, but when I do, I do it in Las Vegas.

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    "The almighty smokeybailey has spoken." - some bitch on the Las Vegas board

  • edited December 2011
    Smokey, I am not sure there is a place for us here in this board!!! :/
  • jccswljccswl member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I don't get the whole AHR either, but whatevs. One of the reasons we did Vegas was b/c we couldn't decide between my hometown and his or LA where he went to has lots of friends and family. What I really don't understand is where the couple would rather make their guests that traveled and pay for flight and hotel, pay for their own meal after the ceremony. AND would rather host something for those that didn't make the trip.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_mom-given-guilties-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:91Discussion:997603ff-ad9a-4987-8bb5-9d34db7c9b08Post:c44cac5f-ba29-44cf-9352-f93e95580bbe">Re: My mom has given me the "guilties" - opinions??</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't get the whole AHR either, but whatevs. One of the reasons we did Vegas was b/c we couldn't decide between my hometown and his or LA where he went to has lots of friends and family. <strong>What I really don't understand is where the couple would rather make their guests that traveled and pay for flight and hotel, pay for their own meal after the ceremony. AND would rather host something for those that didn't make the trip.
    </strong>Posted by jccswl[/QUOTE]

    YES. Total freaking twilight zone shiit right there!! I guess there are a lot of things I don't get!
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_mom-given-guilties-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:91Discussion:997603ff-ad9a-4987-8bb5-9d34db7c9b08Post:da640cb2-0d66-46e2-829b-f1f2fec68240">Re: My mom has given me the "guilties" - opinions??</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: My mom has given me the "guilties" - opinions?? : I agree that it is over used, but really....people do not understand that. That's why weddings are supposed to be so special, since there should be (theoretically) only one of them. Before I came to TK I had never heard of an AHR, and even still it is kind of hard for me to understand. Wouldn't that just be a party!!?? It must be just me but I still don't get it!
    Posted by ahhhitsshannyn[/QUOTE]

    I gotcha and I agree, I just cringle a little every time I see that phrase because it's all over the place.

    I see people with AHRs that are sometimes more expensive and bigger than the wedding! So that's confusing .....
    Anniversary
  • direy25direy25 member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_mom-given-guilties-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:91Discussion:997603ff-ad9a-4987-8bb5-9d34db7c9b08Post:cfd264b2-a58a-402d-ae4a-bbf130ae54a1">Re: My mom has given me the "guilties" - opinions??</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: My mom has given me the "guilties" - opinions?? : I gotcha and I agree, I just cringle a little every time I see that phrase because it's all over the place.<strong> I see people with AHRs that are sometimes more expensive and bigger than the wedding! So that's confusing .....
    </strong>Posted by ebonyivory10[/QUOTE]
    Definitely confusing - doesn't that pretty much defeat the purpose of a small destination wedding? 
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  • edited December 2011
    I soooo struggled with the "AHR" idea. We're having a picnic style party, hopefully so people who aren't in to Vegas, or can't afford to fly out, don't feel pressured to come out. I still have mixed feelings about it! But I figure it will be an afternoon BBQ thing at a park. I just hope my guests take it as an excuse to hang out and mingle and eat some food, and not as any kind of AW move.
  • smokeybaileysmokeybailey member
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Yeah, I don't get the fly to Vegas and then have a big party at home.  If you are going to have a big party at home, just have a big party at home.  Some of my guests will not be able to come.  That's life.  Even if we had it where we live, some people would not be able to come.  That's what happens.  We are inviting everyone that we would invite regardless of the location.  I don't see the point of having a second event.  Just make that the event.

    And I do laugh at renewals at a year or whatever.  You just want to have another wedding.  Just say it.  Pin it to your shirt and wear it.  But really, if you want the big wedding with all the people just do it.  Don't call it a renewal.

    And I totally judge those that don't host anything for their guests at a DW.  "Well, they'll get dinner back home."  Well, what if they can't make that?  Are you going to have anonther AHR for those that missed the first AHR? 
    Bi-oh-rama
    Now with more wedded bliss.


    I don't get married often, but when I do, I do it in Las Vegas.

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    "Lvharpy could be your AE." - direy25
    "smokeybailey is the one shining beacon of light in this steaming turd of a thread." - daffodil_jill
    "The almighty smokeybailey has spoken." - some bitch on the Las Vegas board

  • edited December 2011
    Smokey has given me a fabulous idea... how about alternating destination vow renewals and AHR every year on our anniversary!

    I have an aquaintance... I'm making a "wedding cake" for her. She's got married at the courthouse 2+ years ago. But now she's having a big vow renewal/wedding. I just found out the other day that she is registering... at multiple locations... It's so hard to keep my judgement to myself sometimes!!
  • edited December 2011
    Okay, I know I'm just helping take this post SO FAR off topic, but I just had a DUH moment that I should have had a month ago. FI and his family were pulling for the AHR, but that was because we didn't think much of his family would come. But now they are, so maybe we can cancel the whole thing and just invite the few family members who couldn't make it to Vegas out to dinner and show them the wedding pictures. That would be freaking sweet.
  • direy25direy25 member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_mom-given-guilties-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:91Discussion:997603ff-ad9a-4987-8bb5-9d34db7c9b08Post:d67d8d3f-0e70-4d75-b2dd-d790b5021e18">Re: My mom has given me the "guilties" - opinions??</a>:
    [QUOTE]Smokey has given me a fabulous idea... how about alternating destination vow renewals and AHR every year on our anniversary! I have an acquaintance... I'm making a "wedding cake" for her. She's got married at the courthouse 2+ years ago. But now she's having a big vow renewal/wedding. I just found out the other day that she is registering... at multiple locations... It's so hard to keep my judgement to myself sometimes!!
    Posted by Natrasha[/QUOTE]
    You should just casually say something to her like "you should really check-out the message boards on theknot.com!  And while you're at it, why don't you talk about what you're doing on the Etiquette board!"
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  • edited December 2011
    Direy... that would be AH.MAZING. She's doing so much stuff so incredibly wrong, it hurts. I'm glad I talked her into an easy cake. I don't want to put too much effort towards an obvious gift-grab.
  • edited December 2011

    We are eloping to Vegas & leaving his kids 9 &12 with their mother.  When we return, we are having a wedding dinner for 25. Don't feel guilty!!!

  • edited December 2011

    No judgement but I never got the point of an AHR either. I figure it would be easier to just have a wedding at home than to do a wedding and reception in Vegas and then do one at home. When you get home a week later, how is that a reception? Its a party like one of th pp said.
    Either way, enjoy all your wedding festivities ladies

  • edited December 2011
    lmao - wow - thank you all for the great replies - to a few who asked, we are doing a small destination wedding because its between my hectic retail management sched and his deployment sched. we are keeping it very very low key - the vegas thing totally started as a joke between us, but kinda turned into a real, "are we really gonna do this?" thing....

    while we may or may not do a "vow renual" or whatever, we do want to let the family know that we do want them to celebrate the occasion with us - we figure a year later he will be back from deployment, we will be in our new place and we can have a party to celebrate - maybe not a "wedding" style, but a nice kinda "reception" theme....I just  feel that it would be a nice way to let everyone know that we didnt "elope" for the heck of it, but that we cherish the friendships and family memebers in our life and we want to make the effort to include them in our celebration...

    And im soooooo sorry for asking this really dumb question, but what is "AHR"??
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