I feel so bad but....

arrestclementine

We got engaged last Christmas.  We’ve been telling everyone since that we are getting married in Vegas.  Last march we told everyone the date and that it was defiantely official – So we gave at least a years notice.

 

My sister who assumed she was MOH (which again is fine) is super flaky … And my dad kept telling me he didn’t think she was going to go for whatever reason.  So I asked my bf to be a BM because I really wanted her to be a part of my day and I guess in case my sister backs out.

 

So yesterday I told my sister that she has to go and get measured for her dress/pay 95$ down to get it ordered.  And the lady said she should do it ASAP as the company takes a super long time to ship the dresses and something like they stop manufacturing sometime in Jan/Feb.

She freaked out on me because she doesn’t have a FT job and that we shouldn’t have picked to get married in vegas…. I basically told her that I would like her to be a part of my wedding but  I told her that either she orders the dress within the next week and a half or she isn’t going be able to. I guess I just hate for her to order the dress next month and pay the $95 and then it’s not here on time.  OR she pays for the dress now and she still can’t afford the trip to vegas.

 

I really want her to be in the wedding and there for my special day.  But I refuse to pay for it/her to come to vegas (she still owes me money from our last little trip together and hasn’t even begun to pay me back – I’m not a bank).  I guess I'm just having a hard time becuase we didn't just decide this yesterday we've been saying this for the last half a year at least ...

 

I feel so bad but I'm not sure that I should do anything and this is really stressing me out .  Should i just say whatever and forget about it?  and just let her decide what to do?

wiwicaty

Um, I don't know, I don't have siblings.... I guess if she assumed she was going to be your MOH she must have felt somewhat happy about it so freaking out about a dress when she had months to prepare is a bit lame. Is it me? Getting upset over a DW wedding is also lame since she can't even buy the dress, which she'd have to buy regardless of where the wedding was held. Plus I don't know why sisters can't behave sisterly. Couldn't she come to you saying "Amber I'm really sorry, I'm such a flake, I'm afraid I can't be your MOH after all..."? If you're dead set on not solving it for her I guess there's nothing else for you to do but let it go and move on. As hurtful as it must be. The fact that people had a year to make it happen and still didn't is something that bugged me (still does) about our wedding too. I think deep down I wish some of my "friends" had been brutally honest and told me it wasn't important enough for them to make the effort, instead of feeding me the budget crap... that's plain insulting, I'm not stupid, 11 months is plenty if you truly want to be part of something. 

I wasn't much help, sorry :-/

arrestclementine

wiwicaty  -  guess we find out who are real friends are during this process .... not so sure my sister cares enough to be there - if she did why wouldn't she have started saving last march .... 


... And i even made hair/makup appointments for all three of us for the wedding day -  Guess I should find out the cancellation policy on that in case she isn't able to make it.  I guess it's just hardest that I feel like she just assumes that I'll take care of it for her.

And it makes it hard to try and plan a wedding when you're not sure if your MOH will be there or not.... 

vegasgroom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_feel-bad-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:91Discussion:acdea6a1-e6c0-4487-b627-003787542bd1Post:18b78274-ea7f-4b6f-8cd4-d1b6de224d64">Re: I feel so bad but....</a>:
[QUOTE]@ wiwicaty  -  guess we find out who are real friends are during this process ....
Posted by amber0389[/QUOTE]

My wife definitely learned this over the past year. :-)

I think what you're doing is right; stand by your decision and don't let it get you down.

poisonivy1121

I kind of have the same situation.  My sister is so flaky that it hurts sometimes.  But I know who she is and it will never change.  I love her despite hew flaws.  Bottom line is I really need and want her at my wedding.  It wouldn't be the same day without her there.  And I need her as my MOH as she is my sister and best friend.  She also has some financial woos.  But instead of getting pissed I decided that since it's my day and I want her to celebrate it with me in Vegas that I would buy her and my SIL's (who is a BM) dress.  It's my gift to them.  Not a big deal to me.  I want people to celebrate with me and it's kind of selfish to think that other people's worlds revolve around my wedding.  I understand tight budgets and that life happens.  

arrestclementine

poisonivy1121 -- I honsestly considered doing that - paying for both of their dresses.  But seriously I don't think she'd be able to afford to go either way.  She is SOO Bad with money.  And even if she would be able to go I'm not sure that she would leave her boyfriend behind.....

I'm just having a hard time because enough is enough?  You know - when do you stop being the bank?  I understand its my wedding and the we decided to do a DW but its not like we are going to Hawaii?? Or some outrageously priced place. 

We went to a DW this last summer and paid over 2,000$ a person to attend YES it sucked I didn't enjoy spending that much money to go to a wedding but at the same time it was a vacation... We planned accordingly and saved early- no we didn't stay in a super fancy hotel but whatever no one paid for us to go...

wallacje

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_feel-bad-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:91Discussion:acdea6a1-e6c0-4487-b627-003787542bd1Post:281e1418-d802-4d1d-850b-ab14d5c791c8">Re: I feel so bad but....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I feel so bad but.... : My wife definitely learned this over the past year. :-) I think what you're doing is right; stand by your decision and don't let it get you down.
Posted by vegasgroom[/QUOTE]

I definitely learned who my real friends were during my wedding planning. Lost 2 BM's/friends because I wasn't going to pay for them to do stuff and due to one getting a boyfriend that she couldn't live without and he didn't want to come.

Stand by your decision, she should have been saving or at least let you know ahead of time the price/trip was going to be too much for her to pay.

poisonivy1121

@amber - ok, she is bad with money and she might bring her boyfriend.  But how will you feel without her there? Those feelings will last a lifetime.  Her money issues and BF might not. I get it.  Believe me, I get it. I've been the bank before and have gone months not talking to my sis over money.  I've learned that it's not worth the stress.  If you have it, I say buy the dress and it she needs help with her travel, help her.  Sorry I'm in a different place with the DW.  I don't think people aren't my true friend if they can't afford to travel to Vegas.  I decided to have a DW. Vegas isn't the most expensive place but it ain't cheap.  I agree people could have been saving up but I can't make people spend money that they don't have or want to spend on a trip to Vegas.  I couldn't make it to a DW in Jamaica last year.  I felt bad but it just wasn't in my budget.  That couple was cool enough to understand and they are actually coming to my wedding in Vegas.  

vegasgroom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_feel-bad-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:91Discussion:acdea6a1-e6c0-4487-b627-003787542bd1Post:6f508727-d751-459d-9344-2ed839479552">Re: I feel so bad but....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I feel so bad but.... : I definitely learned who my real friends were during my wedding planning. Lost 2 BM's/friends because I wasn't going to pay for them to do stuff and due to one getting a boyfriend that she couldn't live without and he didn't want to come. Stand by your decision, she should have been saving or at least let you know ahead of time the price/trip was going to be too much for her to pay.
Posted by wallacje[/QUOTE]

My best man's wife had the same experience too.  Seems like half of the weddings I've been close to people in have had this occur.  Weddings are kind of like cleaning out your facebook friends list lol.

arrestclementine

I guess I just am looking at it a little differently .... IF she had cared enough she would have been looking harder for a FT job rather than being ridiculously picky and choosing to keep her deadend minimum wage PT job - TO me is just lazy.  Especially when i know there are FT postions that she could have been applying for. 

I could careless if she brings her boyfriend with or not -- BUT i feel like if I start paying for this for her how fair is it that I'm not paying for things for my other BM/who has been saving for the last 5 months because she really wants to be there.

I think if she cared enough she would have been making the proper plans.  AND i guess I'm just so sick of having to do everything for her its not like she is 17 or 18... she is 23 years old......

wallacje

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_feel-bad-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:91Discussion:acdea6a1-e6c0-4487-b627-003787542bd1Post:476adc74-3d99-4d2a-8f8b-e9a8244fe570">Re: I feel so bad but....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I feel so bad but.... : My best man's wife had the same experience too.  Seems like half of the weddings I've been close to people in have had this occur.<strong>  Weddings are kind of like cleaning out your facebook friends list lol.
</strong>Posted by vegasgroom[/QUOTE]

LOL, Totally!!! Speaking of that I need to do that too.

LilMissScareAll

Another option you is just pick a color dress instead of a specific dress. If I was cash strapped, it would really suck to have to pay a hundred bucks for a dress I was never going to wear again. If it's important for you to have her stand up with you, pick a color and length and let her find a dress she can better afford and can get on her time schedule.

It's really none of your business to be judging her job status. Listen to yourself for a moment: Your sister should get a FT job so that she can pay to go to your wedding, really? Maybe she really likes her dead-end job.  I have a PT job that I love. I know once I graduate in December I'm going to have to look for a real grown-up job. But leaving my PT job is going to be really hard for me. I love the company, I love what I do. I realize this may not be the case for her, but there has to be a reason she's chosen not to get a FT job.

arrestclementine

She helped pick the dresses out.  I even asked her if she'd be able to afford it she said yes because she only had to pay part of it when it was ordered... Even said that this was a dress she would wear again and again, and was super excited about it.


I guess with the job thing it makes me angry that I work full time and she's working part time and expects me to pay for stuff just isn't fair.

hgaf

I have a brother & a sister, both were going to be in wedding & both were told a year before the wedding that we were getting married in Vegas & the date. My sister has had no problems but my brother has stalled everytime we asked him anything wedding related, finally we gave him a deadline like you & told him if he did not he would not be part of our wedding. He is now not going to be a part of the wedding & is no longer going because he says that he can't afford to buy tickets. I have emailed him with a bunch of specials for flights, one of them was when southwest had flights there for $120 each way & still he didn't get tickets. So I just accepted that it obviously does not matter much to him or he would have at least offered to pay for what he could or save up. It sucks & I know how you feel but you will still enjoy your wedding.

wiwicaty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_feel-bad-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:91Discussion:acdea6a1-e6c0-4487-b627-003787542bd1Post:476adc74-3d99-4d2a-8f8b-e9a8244fe570">Re: I feel so bad but....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I feel so bad but.... : My best man's wife had the same experience too.  Seems like half of the weddings I've been close to people in have had this occur.  <strong>Weddings are kind of like cleaning out your facebook friends list</strong> lol.
Posted by vegasgroom[/QUOTE]

<div>Tell me about it. </div>

wiwicaty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_feel-bad-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:91Discussion:acdea6a1-e6c0-4487-b627-003787542bd1Post:c59cc4cd-68bf-4214-8edf-e0024320e1f0">Re: I feel so bad but....</a>:
[QUOTE]I kind of have the same situation.  My sister is so flaky that it hurts sometimes.  But I know who she is and it will never change.  I love her despite hew flaws.  Bottom line is I really need and want her at my wedding.  It wouldn't be the same day without her there.  And I need her as my MOH as she is my sister and best friend.  She also has some financial woos.  But instead of getting pissed I decided that since it's my day and I want her to celebrate it with me in Vegas that I would buy her and my SIL's (who is a BM) dress.  It's my gift to them.  Not a big deal to me.  I want people to celebrate with me and<strong> it's kind of selfish to think that other people's worlds revolve around my wedding.  I understand tight budgets and that life happens. </strong>Posted by poisonivy1121[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Somethimes it's not that people think that others' lives shoud revolve around one's wedding... sometimes it's not bratty or selfish to be hurt, it's plain human. If I had a sister or brother (meaning the ones that have been in my life EVERYDAY for X years) that wouldn't make an effort to be at my wedding for a whole year, I'd be pretty hurt, and calling me selfish for being hurt wouldn't fly. Really, what else should they expect me to be?? In my actual case, I'm far from thinking that my wedding shoud have been my friends' priority, but some of the things I've heard from them have insulted my intelligence. The friendship suffered anyway because I felt insulted so they might as well have told me bluntly that it wasn't worth their time and kept it honest. I don't know if anyone agrees with me... and I know it's unlikely for anyone to be THAT honest about something .. still, can't help being hurt so whatever. Sorry. End of rant :P</div><div>
</div>

smokeybailey

I would pay for my sister's dress but that's just me. Are you willing to risk your sister's not attending over $95? Also, I must be rare and lucky because all of my "real" friends were the same before AND after the wedding.

arrestclementine

it's nice to know that I'm not the only one in this boat ... it makes me sad but it is what it is.

smokeybailey - you know if it was only going to be the $95 i would possibly think about it, but i know its not.  Then she's going to expect me to pay for her room/airfare/spending money ... and I'm most of all having a hard time with this because she still owes me a butt load of money and i haven't seen a dime. 

I mean yes i want her there but at the same time i don't feel i should be taking money that i had plan to spend for the honeymoon to pay for her to come.  I've been saving for that for the last 7 months so why should i have to do that?

hstaples4

Maybe it's just me but the only person I need there is my FI.

Yeah it's nice many friends and family are coming but I completely understand why some wouldn't/aren't and it wont change my relationship with any of them. If it was so important for all my friends and family to be with me when I get married then I would have had a wedding at home, I knew the risks when deciding to have a destination wedding.

A good friend of mine got married in New York last year and no matter how much I wanted to there was just no way to make it work, between student loans, bills, paying off our house ect. there was just no way we could come up with the thousands of extra dollars to make the trip. She was a good friend though, she understood and didn't hold it against me.

wiwicaty

Oh my real friends stayed the same too. It was important for us to have our dream wedding and got that and beyond, still, there was no need for some (2 actually) to act the way they did and that is really the only thing I'm talking about, nothing more. 

OP, I get that it's not the $95, it's the principle. Maybe let it sit for now and don't overthink it. Whatever you decide let it be the decision that you won't regret having made, looking back.

specialjune

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_feel-bad-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:91Discussion:acdea6a1-e6c0-4487-b627-003787542bd1Post:c59cc4cd-68bf-4214-8edf-e0024320e1f0">Re: I feel so bad but....</a>:
[QUOTE]I kind of have the same situation.  My sister is so flaky that it hurts sometimes.  But I know who she is and it will never change.  I love her despite hew flaws.  Bottom line is I really need and want her at my wedding.  It wouldn't be the same day without her there.  And I need her as my MOH as she is my sister and best friend.  She also has some financial woos.  But instead of getting pissed I decided that since it's my day and I want her to celebrate it with me in Vegas that I would buy her and my SIL's (who is a BM) dress.  It's my gift to them.  Not a big deal to me.  I want people to celebrate with me and it's kind of selfish to think that other people's worlds revolve around my wedding.  I understand tight budgets and that life happens.  
Posted by poisonivy1121[/QUOTE]

wow you are incrediby nice. I hope your loved ones are equally kind to you in your time of need. I hear what you are saying because it is your sister, but for everyone else...no there world should not revolve around your wedding. That is when they would make the decision that works best for them, which it to either participate or not.

specialjune

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_feel-bad-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:91Discussion:acdea6a1-e6c0-4487-b627-003787542bd1Post:a2b0717e-8377-48fb-875d-eb142e71bd16">Re: I feel so bad but....</a>:
[QUOTE]@ poisonivy1121 -- I honsestly considered doing that - paying for both of their dresses.  But seriously I don't think she'd be able to afford to go either way.  She is SOO Bad with money.  And even if she would be able to go I'm not sure that she would leave her boyfriend behind..... I'm just having a hard time because enough is enough?  You know - when do you stop being the bank?  I understand its my wedding and the we decided to do a DW but its not like we are going to Hawaii?? Or some outrageously priced place.  We went to a DW this last summer and paid over 2,000$ a person to attend YES it sucked I didn't enjoy spending that much money to go to a wedding but at the same time it was a vacation... We planned accordingly and saved early- no we didn't stay in a super fancy hotel but whatever no one paid for us to go...
Posted by amber0389[/QUOTE]
I know this is your sister but you have given her ample notice. In all honesty if she can not leave him behind then that says a lot. Unless her boyfriend can pay for her to go. I completely understand. enough is enough. But, you will have to ask yourself what means more. Paying for her once again or her not being there at all. Its a TOUGH decision. Especially when our loved ones dont reciprocate or appreciate our kindness. Take a little time to think about it.

specialjune

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_feel-bad-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:91Discussion:acdea6a1-e6c0-4487-b627-003787542bd1Post:241c447a-3a09-442d-95f9-59acbc2efcc2">Re: I feel so bad but....</a>:
[QUOTE]Another option you is just pick a color dress instead of a specific dress. If I was cash strapped, it would really suck to have to pay a hundred bucks for a dress I was never going to wear again. If it's important for you to have her stand up with you, pick a color and length and let her find a dress she can better afford and can get on her time schedule. It's really none of your business to be judging her job status. Listen to yourself for a moment: Your sister should get a FT job so that she can pay to go to your wedding, really? Maybe she really likes her dead-end job.  I have a PT job that I love. I know once I graduate in December I'm going to have to look for a real grown-up job. But leaving my PT job is going to be really hard for me. I love the company, I love what I do. I realize this may not be the case for her, but there has to be a reason she's chosen not to get a FT job.
Posted by LilMissScareAll[/QUOTE]
It is her business if she always has to lend her money. She still owes her money

nycheryl

I understand what you're going through... I would definitely think about the long term ramifications in your relationship.

I bought my MOH's dress, but at a regular clothing store ($50 on sale at Banana Republic).  You can avoid the whole Chinese New Year (when a lot of industry/manufacturing shuts down for over a month) if you go through a non-wedding store.  Just another thought...

poisonivy1121

amber0389 -  I really hope it works out for you! I can't imagine how hard this is for you.  I just really urge you to stay focused on why you are having your wedding and what is most important.

specialjune - I've learned a long time ago that I do for people because I can not because I expect them to do for me in return.  Sometimes you have to meet people where they are.  Friendships are never equal all the time.  

smokeybailey - I am like you - none of my friendships have changed because of my wedding. I guess I'm lucky, too!

smokeybailey

Well, OP, it sounds like you don't want to pay for her, so don't.  For me, I would have paid my sister's way if I needed to.  I can't give you other advice.