Rant -- (OP edited, explanation within)

Beth0882

FYI -- I am editing my post not because I don't want you wonderful ladies to read it, but because these posts are searchable and when doing a search on whether it is tradition or not to have FFIL in wedding party, my post was one of the first things FI found, and I don't want FILs to find it if they search also!! 

SassyPants150

Got to love NC Tradition!  I'm originally from Kentucky and that is where all of my family is from and my mom thought that was bizarre.  She "never heard of such" in her words.   

My FFIL does not come off as a person who would want any part of being in a WP and he gave FI grief about not being the BM.  I was absolutely floored!  He didn't pitch a fit though and that was the end of it. 

Its a shame when family becomes dramatic over the wedding of their children.  This is supposed to be a happy time for two people who are getting ready to start their lives together.  I hope it all works out for the best!  

FutureMrsFraser

Awww. that so sucks. ( My FI doesn't like confrontation either and would probably do the same just to make everyone happy.

If it were me and my FI, I would tell him, please don't feel pressured to have your dad be your best man or in WP just because that's what he and your mom want, ultimately, it's about who you want standing beside you that day, so if you don't want him in the WP, stand up for yourself. I'll stand behind any choice you make.

That way he knows you'll support his decision whatever he decides to do, it may give him a little more confidence to stand his ground too.

meredithl618

Gahhh, I'm sorry this is still dragging out.  

Honestly, it looks like FMIL is not going to let this go unless your FI stands up and just tells them straight up that he won't be a BM.  I think (although this will be hard) that he needs to sit down with them alone, including the father, and tell them that he picked his wedding party out and it is important that he had all of his friends etc as groomsmen/BM.  He doesn't want his dad to feel rejected or less important, but he'd be happier if he were just sitting in the pew like the rest of the parents.  Instead, he should ask him to do something, like a reading, or something specific.  It will probably be difficult for him, but if it's really what he wants, he should be clear and decisive so they can't persuade him differently.

However, if it's going to ruin his relationship with your FFIL and FMIL, then I say either allow it, or make a compromise somewhere.  At the end of the day,  it is just a wedding, and you still have to interact with them for the rest of your life.  So, it wouldn't make sense to ruin a relationship or make it uncomfortable later (if that's how they are...)

Sorry, that's not very clear advice, but we'll be thinking about you, good luck!! 

Beth0882

Thanks ladies. 

Beth0882

edited

alliegator8

Good luck Beth!  I tend to agree with Meredith. FI has to bite the bullet and deal with it. It is the only way it won' continue to be an issue.

GirlieGirl27320

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_north-carolina_rant-continued-fil-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:115Discussion:d82667d1-2ad9-4aeb-8e23-b50ef84d15e8Post:bdff185d-db5e-47e0-81e0-0f9417ec8eb9">Re: Rant -- continued FIL drama</a>:
[QUOTE]Good luck Beth!  I tend to agree with Meredith. FI has to bite the bullet and deal with it. It is the only way it won' continue to be an issue.
Posted by alliegator8[/QUOTE]
Meredith and Allie said it best!!!  He's got to face it very soon and get it over with!  Best of luck to y'all!

CJ4578

oh, good luck! I've dealt with these things and it drives me crazy, because FI and I handle our families differently (I think I try to resolve things, and FI tries to pretend they will go away... sometimes I wish I could do that!)

Things will work out- and whoever is up there the important thing is that you all love each other and nothing his parents do can change that. (Yes, this is my mantra.)

ANSchick08

I'm agree with Meredith and Allie that your FI needs to have a talk with his parents but I'm not sure he should do it completely alone, he may just give in to make them happy.  If he does want to talk to them alone, I'd make sure to have a serious conversation with him before to make sure he's completely clear that it is what HE wants to do, not you (you'll support what makes him happy), or his mom, or his dad.  Make sure he completely understands this is HIS decision.  Or if he would prefer you be there, which I think it would be fine since you are his wife-to-be, as moral support, don't say anything or give FMIL a death stare, just be there to support your FI in his decision. 

My DH has never liked conflict either and has always been the piece keeper, letting everyone else get their way.  After 7 years I finally got him to have some what of a back bone so his family can't walk all over him anymore, which they always try to do (which irks the heck out of me).  But we've had many, many conversations about figuring out what he wants and not what anyone else wants.  You'd think people's families would want them to do what makes them happy, but they don't always, and that's pretty sad.

Beth0882

edited

ANSchick08

Would FMIL read the last line as "in the WP as BM"?  I know my MIL tends to manipulate how things are said to her advantage.

It took a while for DH to figure out that when I said "it's completely up to you, whatever makes you happy" I actually mean it because his mom will say something similar and then give him crap and try to guilt him for not choosing the option she wanted.

Good luck!  At the end of the day you'll be married no matter who's standing up there with you guys.

elizabethb3511

Wow Beth.  I totally empathize with your situation.  I think that some of the other posts said it best to support your FI's decision whatever it is. His family = His problem.  I feel I'm constantly working with my FI to not be a "doormat" for others.  But that's why we love them because they are so caring and giving.  I do hope that the FFIL does not become a distraction and your wedding day flows perfectly!