so here's a topic to liven the board.... give me your opinions on this topic (copy and pasted from my local board... i need opinions)
**warning, long! ** (yikes, sorry this was MUCH longer then i thought it would be...)
Back Story: Fi and I have been together almost 6 years (in December). The first 7-8 months my brother and Fi got along good. They would chat very friendly at gatherings, joke around... they were cool ya know? Sept 2006, FI got into a really bad near fatal car accident. Right before the accident the relationship between the two had started to get rocky. but after the accident is when it went down hill. My brother and Fi are similar in personality to an extent. both are type A personality, both very opinionated, both can turn the a**hole switch on very quickly. However, Fi really did try with my brother in the begining. and they got along.
There was a few instances to get us to where we are today. here are just a couple examples:
Brother making rude comments about Fi wearing orange (really?... it's Fi's fave color, yes he wears it alot.. but why comment about it in a rude way) ... this was the begining of brother putting Fi down.
Fi bought brother a gift he had been wanting and couldn't find... brother then made not very thankful comments about the size of the gift (i guess it wasn't the size he wanted, but was rude- again)
after Fi's car accident he went through a really rough time at first. i say at first because he is bipolar and the accident really took him for a loop with emotions. Fi has permanent handicaps/physical limitations, permanent brain damage (bruising, that will not get better and short term memory loss), etc.. anyway- it was a struggle at first with his limitations and mood swings. Perhaps my fault for mentioning anything to my mom who has a HUGE mouth... but my brother told me on NUMEROUS occasions to just leave Fi, that his problems were not my problems. (note: we had been together about 9 months at the time of his accident and was pretty serious at that point).
Christmas 2007 (i believe), Brother makes a big deal to my mom about why she would spend "so much money" on Fi's kids because "they are not family". Yes, my mom goes over board. she's a grandma. Also note: my mother is not the greatest reliable source. however, he did make comments to my sister as well. My Fi's kids don't typically spend holidays with my family because they have to split their holidays up between Ex's family, Fi's family and holidays are just one day. we don't get them every holiday. and usually Fi and I spend holidays separate because our family's do dinner at the same time. no one is really willing to budge on time and since my brother is so rude to Fi, he chooses to not come to family holidays.. which i completely understand.
Because of all the above issues at that point, i had some choice words for my brother. Ultimately i didn't want to "pick sides" but my brother was out of line for all that he had been doing/saying.
He also was doing the same thing to my sister and BIL. making BIL feel uncomfortable because he didn't like BIL, treating the children differently. this was many years ago though.
So because of my choice words for brother we went a long time without talking, and our relationship is still very strained. i don't attend parties at his house, i will occasionally go to my niece/nephews birthdays depending on who else will be there (i will not attend if my sister/mom/dad wont be there because i can only imagine the stories he and SIL tell her side of the family). i attend holidays where i know he'll be at because i want to see my niece and nephews. He holds Christmas every year and i attend. However, again my step kids don't go. we don't usually have them christmas day. just christmas eve and the week around new years day. My sister and mom know this. and still buy for step kids. we usually get together for dinner and celebrate with my sister kids/my step kids separately since they cant come to xmas with my family. last year my brother asked my mom if the kids were coming, she said no (obviously, explained above), and he still didn't buy for them. the gift isn't the issue. it's the thought that counts ya know?
my parents own a camper that they offered to my brother years ago. he declined saying it was old he didnt want it. so they gave it to Fi and I. Brother later asks to borrow it but yet again is RUDE about it. saying I "need to find a way to get it down here". excuse me.. no, you treat me like crap, want to borrow something of MINE without ASKING, just demanding. and later telling me i can "shove it up my a$$". (this was early last summer)
So present day: this year things have calmed down because like i said, we don't talk much but brother has 3 kids. the first bday party was an evite, to which my SIL sent it to the wrong email. ok i understand an honest mistake. But NEVER text email/facebooked me saying ***'s birthday party is abc
@7pm ya know.. she told my sister to tell me. (ok i know this is my SIL, but STILL my brother wife. so reflective upon him). because i was so upset over i stayed home the day of my nephews party crying. i knew when it was, but did not get a personal invite which i felt was really wrong. a simple text! NOTHING. 2 more birthdays followed and again, to confirm the correct email they went through my sister. How hard is it to text me! i don't want to have a convo with you either.. but text me for my contact info!
My sister's baby was due about a month ago. while at the hospital, i was trying to be nice and text my brother pictures. (i know in the past he has gotten my text. because he'll respond "ok"). he didn't respond anything when i sent the pictures to him. but i know he got them because he later told my sister....
ok so finally to my point, the issue at hand....
Our wedding is in Feb. Fi does not want to invite my brother to the wedding. I COMPLETELY understand his reasonings. but he's my brother... i know that if i don't invite him our relationship with be over. it'll hurt my mom's feelings. and although Fi says "blame me", it'll obviously reflect on me to not invite him.
Brother and I are on borderline to fix our relationship.. although he has never apologized for anything he's done/said to us.
I know most would say if Fi loved me, he'd look past it and invite him.... i dont think that's true. How do you look past the fact that someone has excluded your children and made such nasty, disrespectful comments.......
Do i think Fi should over look it and invite him- yes. why? SIMPLY because he is my brother. But that doesn't seem to be an option. Fi is very strong willed and opinionated. He has kept his cool through all of this and has no once said anything to brother. Last summer they stood up together at my sister's wedding. Fi almost didn't show because of my brother, but did because he loves my sister so much.
How would you deal with this?
Also, our wedding being Leap Day is on a Wednesday. my intensions were to send STD's. but i can't possibly send STD's to everyone BUT my brother.... :-/
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