Kid Drama

sueslack

Hi ladies. I'm not really good about posting, but do read this board regularly.
I am having a little bit of kid drama with our guest list. Our Save the Dates (not invitations since our wedding is in September) went out in January to 200 guests, many of them on my side out of state. We made the deicision not to invite kids to our wedding since space is limited. We've told many of our family members there wouldn't be kids at our wedding so they could make arrangements. We also addressed the Save the Dates to the specific people invited not "and family" for this reason.

This weekend, my aunt sent my mom an email upset because her grandchild couldn't come to the wedding and there for she and her children (who all live in Nebraska) were not coming and did not want an invite. 

Here is her email:

I was very upset to learn that xxxx was not wanted at the wedding.  That's perfectly fine if a bride doesn't want children attending her wedding but if she feels that way why on earth did she send "save the date" cards to all of my children?  Did she expect XXX (who has four young children) to leave her kids at home without their parents?  Did she expect XX and XX to travel all that way and then park their brand new baby with some unknown stranger too?  Did she ever consider that my children might have reserved vacation time and booked air fares that are non-refundable?

You should have made it clear from the start--no children can come period!  You should never have mailed a "save the date" card which implies an invitation if you didn't mean it!  Then we wouldn't have made plans to attend and no one's feelings would have been hurt.


My question is, do you think I should add anything to the invitations we send out to be sure that everyone knows there will be no kids at the wedding (with the exception to our wedding party - flower girls and ring bearer).

schadbourne

well i personally find kids to be fun and can't wait for them to be at our wedding.

But i def respect your decision. If they aren't coming because of your adult decision to not have children at your wedding than let the angry family members not come. You have to be prepared to not 'care' that you may not have families because they dont want to leave their kids.

If I were you I would stand my ground. Let the people know that it is because of space or budget or whatever. It is their choice to go or to not go.

hcorr34

I do not suggest that you write "adults only", or some other note that children aren't invited, on the invite.  I would try to be as specific as possible, in as many was possible, to indicate on the invitation who IS invited.  Each of my response cards will have only the names of the invited people pre-written on them, and then they can select their meal.  If personalizing each one of them is not an option, you could fill in the line where it says ____ will be attending to  __/2  will be attending so they know only two people are invited.  I've also seen people suggest including the line: "___ seats have been reserved in your name" and you would only put in the number adults from that family and not include the children.

ajweden84

Oh my goodness - I fear this with my wedding.  My cousins and my fiance's cousins who are all 16 or younger are invited, but 2nd cousins and any other children are not invited. 

On our invitations it says "Adult Reception to Follow" - I guess if they don't like it, to bad but I don't want a bunch of little ones running around everywhere.  My MOH is pregnant and due a month before the wedding.  And believe me I know I probably sound like bridezilla - but I did make it a point to tell her, no children were invited besides family.  She luckily understood and is going to get a sitter for the night of and have them stay with the baby in the room. So maybe thats an option? Maybe you could find someone you trust and let them choose.

It kills me that people ASSUME their children are invited. 

Its what the bride and groom want! : )

chrispygal

Wow, that's tough.  Sorry about the kid drama.  Yikes!  We have about 10 kids coming, but there are many people invited whose kids we did not invite.  Talk about controversial!  lol.  The kids that will be there are close to us.  Neices/nephews and kids of our bridal party, who we are asking to come up to Maine with us for 4 days.  Other guests are being invited without their kids, otherwise we would have as many kids as adults!  Everyone has been really understanding, but I will also have to be understanding if people can't come because they can't or won't leave their kids. 

The only suggestion I can make about the Aunt and her grankids is to maybe look into hiring a babysitter or two to throw the kids their own party during the wedding.  The family could come, and the children would be nearby in a safe place and the parents could enjoy their time at the wedding.  Have you given any thought to that?

And with the invitations, I agree with previous posts. No need to state "no kids" just find some way to indicate the number of seats.  People will get over it, or they won't go. And if they can't get over it, you don't want them there anyway. 

Good luck!

jessicabessica

I agree with hcorrigan and schadbourne about ways to make it clear on the invite without saying "adults only" and about standing your ground.  It sounds like the damage in your aunt's eyes is already done, if they made travel arrangements on the assumption (mistaken on their part, sounds like you did everything right) that their kids could come. 

Here are my suggestions--

1. If they've already made travel plans and are bringing their kids, maybe you can provide a list of sitters in the area of your wedding--find teachers or other people with experience with kids.  If your budget allows for you to offer to pay, that's nice, but totally not necessary. 

2. If your cousins have newborns or very young infants, that's generally an exception to "no kids" policies because it's very difficult for parents and little babies to be separated.  Perhaps allowing newborns in combination with providing a list of responsible sitters will help. 

3. If your aunt (and cousins--are they all bothered about this, too?) keeps on with this, just tell her you hope she can attend, but you understand if she can't.  I'm having kids at my wedding, but I understand not wanting kids there, although you have to accept that that may be a dealbreaker for some parents.  It's unfortunate that your aunt is not being mature or gracious about it. 

And about the travel plans already being made--I have successfully gotten a refund on my credit card when I cancelled a "nonrefundable" hotel room (for no good reason), and I've gotten an airline credit less a service fee when I cancelled nonrefundable airline tickets. 

meg213f

I wrote "Adults OnlyPlease " on my response cards. A lot of our friends are pregnant and all due around the same time as our wedding. I really don't want a whole bunch of crying newborns at the ceremony (don't get me wrong, I LOVE kids) but it's not the right age to bring a wedding so to make it simple we are just saying "NO" to all kids and trying to make it clear as possible on the invitations.

hcorr34

Honestly, I feel that newborns are the exception to the "no children" rule.  To each her own, but this is one etiquette rule that I agree with.

LHB2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_maine_kid-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:98Discussion:ebbdf74f-244b-436a-8f14-4ae574236df3Post:43bb0352-7e81-4b92-88de-d318d058fca1">Re: Kid Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, I feel that newborns are the exception to the "no children" rule.  To each her own, but this is one etiquette rule that I agree with.
Posted by hcorrigan34[/QUOTE]

I was about to post the same thing - infants (and any children who still breast feed) are usually the exception to the "no-children" rule.  You really can't expect a mother with a new born to leave her child at home or with a sitter.  Especially a one month old new born.  Nursing mothers need to feed their children.  And at one month, that kid will be eating  about every two hours.  Not to mention that it is highly unlikely any mother is going to be comfortable leaving such a young child with a sitter, even if they are in the same building.  FWIW - one month old children don't cry anyways.  They eat and sleep.  They don't develop a voice strong enough to cry until about 3 months.

If you want to stricly enforce a no-children rule (which is, of course, totally up to you), you are going to have to be prepared to have guests with children decide not to attend your wedding.  Even your MOH, potentially.

ETA - just to be clear, I don't think having a "no children" rule is a bad thing.  That's up to each couple.  And OP, I don't think that your aunt's email was particularly appropriate.  Just wanted to mention to you - and the PP with the pregnant MOH - that newborns should be the exception to the rule given their needs at such a young age.  Either that or accept that your friends/MOH with newborns most likely won't be attending your wedding.

meg213f

Eek...now I feel like a bad person..my FI and I agreed no kids period when we got engaged..We would literally have 9 babies ranging from  2 months-6 months old....I mean if someone had to bring a baby because of breast feeding I would understand but I don't want people getting angry because certain people can bring their kids.....I guess I wouldn't know how to word the invitation

jessicabessica

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_maine_kid-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:98Discussion:ebbdf74f-244b-436a-8f14-4ae574236df3Post:cf6e6b73-c7f4-4150-adff-b85e3fe01929">Re: Kid Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]Eek...now I feel like a bad person..my FI and I agreed no kids period when we got engaged..We would literally have 9 babies ranging from  2 months-6 months old....I mean if someone had to bring a baby because of breast feeding I would understand but I don't want people getting angry because certain people can bring their kids.....I guess I wouldn't know how to word the invitation
Posted by meg213f[/QUOTE]

<div>I would just address the envelope to who is invited.  So Mr. and Mrs. Smith, instead of Mr. and Mrs. Smith and family (or naming the kids).  Putting "adults only" on the invite points out who isn't invited, which I am not a fan of, and there was a poster on the reception board or something saying that she did that (plus addressed the envelope to only the parents) and people still didn't get it.  If you get RSVPs that include kids, you'll just have to call to explain (and you could have it spread by word of mouth if it's a problem).  </div><div>
</div><div>I would let the parents of the young infants know that it's fine for them to bring the babies, and maybe have a little room--if you have space--that they can take them to breastfeed, etc.  If one of your guests gets pissy because they couldn't bring their 7-year-old when they see another guests with a one-month-old, that says more about them than you. </div>

LHB2011

I don't think anyone with a kid would be offended if they saw an infant at a reception.  Infants are the usual exception to the "no-kid" rule, and at least anyone with kids should know (and understand) that.  Like PP said, if someone with a 7 year old freaks out about it, that's on them, not you.