My FSIL - Vent

WalkersFurMama

My Fh and I have been together for four years now. He is not super close to his sister and put off introducing us for nearly 6 months. Once we did finally meet she was super cold and never really showed any interest in getting to know me. At the time, I hoped she was just being distant while she waited to see how serious her brother and I would get. Well, we moved in together three years ago, bought a house two years ago, and finally got engaged in December. She has never been super friendly with me and when we announced we were engaged she ignored the fact! Didn't say congratulations, wouldn't look at my ring, and basically pretended it never happened. Now, I have never been anything but super nice and friendly to her. I've invited her out to parties, and movies, and dinners, and everything else I can think of. She always declines. Whenever I mention it to FH he shrugs it off and says, "Eh, that's my sister for ya".

I have always gotten the sense that she, for some reason, thinks I am stupid or useless. Sometimes, she is downright mean to me. I'm a teacher, in Michigan, and currently don't have a teaching job after having a position for over a year. I was unemployed and looking for a job for a couple of months and everytime I saw her she would ask if I was still, "enjoying my vacation" or "playing house with [her] brother". And now, that I've gotten a job with our city and am working she says that it's nice I "have something to do." UGH! I'm a college graduate with a double major and a 3.5 GPA!

I don't know what to do. For the last 4 years I have smiled and tried to "kill her with kidness" but I just can't do it anymore! After the last "incident" that left me crying in the car, my FH told me he wasn't going to allow this to happen anymore and would talk to her. But I don't think that's going to solve the problem between FSIL and I. What do I do? I am afraid flat out calling her on her crap is going to make things worse. I would like to have a positive relationship with the woman who will one day be my childrens' only aunt on that side of the family.

I'm sorry this is so long, and probably doesn't make much sense. It's hard to cram 4 years of terribleness into one post. Any input/advise would be greatly appreciated!

Gabrielle76

Yikes, I'm sorry.  You say you're a college graduate, did she not finish school? Maybe she feels the need to rub things (like unemployment) in your face because she's envious?

Maybe you could just try asking her outright if you did something to offend her.  Maybe she's clinging to some slight you didn't even know happened?

onelastpost

I have a friend who's going through this w/ her boyfriend's family, only for her, it's the mother AND sister treating her this way. The mom got drunk one night and told her that the reason they hate her is that no one will ever be good enough for their son/brother. Apparently, he had a girlfriend in HS that they loved, but she broke his heart and they have picked apart every subsequent girlfriend.  I'm not saying that's exactly the same situation as yours bc it is obviously not, but it sounds to me like a whole lot of jealousy on FSIL's part. I'd sit down w/ her yourself, if your fiance can't get through to her, and if it doesn't work, you've done all you can.

Getting2Vowels

I would ask her to lunch. You are going to be in each others life and its about time she hash things out. Perhaps a fun event to break the silence and get you guys talking. If she refuses Id tell her that youre really trying to extend your friendship. If she still says no then perhaps she really is a (insert special word here). Good luck cupcake!

Beads921

Honestly, this might not be the popular opinion, but I'd probably ignore her. She's made it pretty clear she's not interested in a relationship, and I just don't think it's worth the stress for you to try and force one. Be civil and pleasant when you're around her, but don't waste your time trying to become besties.

You say your FI isn't close to her, so I wonder if she just feels uncomfortable around you. It's also possible she just has a kind of cold personality, and because she feels uncomfortable, it brings out the worst in her.

emmyroo

I sort of agree with Beads here.  You can't force a relationship with her, just like you can't force her to like you.  Her saying those things may have nothing to do with you; it might just be a projection of some insecurities she has about herself.

I think Vowels has a good idea too.  Ask her to some social outing again and if she says no, explain that you really want to be friends/have a relationship with her because you are going to be family.  But don't press the issue too much.  If she still doesn't want to, then oh well, her loss.

WildMagelet

IAW Beads.  You've put forth the effort, if she still doesn't want to get buddy-buddy with you then it is what it is.  Be civil with her when you're around her and don't worry about the comments.  If she doesn't get any sort of reaction from you she may very well stop.  Maybe she was using the comments as small talk to keep conversations going?  My in-laws both retired around the same time I quit my last job and even though they weren't directed at me, it still felt like the snide jobless comments that were being thrown around (at them as jokes) still hurt.

WalkersFurMama

Thank you for all of your encouraging words and advice! I think I am going to try and ask her to lunch and try and get to the bottom of things. I'll need your positive thoughts so, I am VERY adverse to confontation and cry very easily when things get tense. Which is why I try so hard to be nice to everyone and work so hard to get people to like me.