How to say what you want without being a zilla?

CowgirlK39

Last weekend, FMIL announced that she and FFIL would like to pay for our cake. I immediately began crapping bricks because for the past few weeks she has been obsessed with a reallllllly ugly cake she saw at a baby shower. Key words there... BABY SHOWER. She insists we get this horribly ugly, childish hay bale cake. I told her as politely as possible that we want a more eligant, wedding cake. But when she asked if they could pay, I felt like I had to say yes. She immediately replied "Good because I have a tasting with that lady who made Nicole's cake." I just love how she already scheduled a tasting.

As we all know, FMIL doesn't listen, she just does what she wants. So if I go to this tasting with her, how do I firmly tell her that her really stupid cake is NOT ok with us? How do I tell her what we want without being a zilla? I cannot even begin to tell you how awful that cake looked, and now I am terrified that agreeing to this was the worst idea ever.

sparent2010

How about if you send her pictures saying this is what FI and I would like? If the tasting comes and goes and she REALLY wants a terrible cake have your FI tell her "Thanks, but no thanks." to the money.

QueerFemme

I would print out pictures of 4-5 cakes that you and your fiance both agree on, and bring your fiance WITH you to the tasting.  Tell the bakery person that these are the designs you are interested in.    If she keeps pushing for the ugly babyshower cake, I would just repeat over and over again "We really want a traditional wedding cake.  Maybe we can come back here for that cake when we are planning our baby shower in the future"

I encourage you to bring your fiance... hopefully, if two of you are on the same page... FMIL can't take over. 

BMcLeodTeam

I agree, I think you need to gear her in the direction of what you actually like

ejheart

I agree with PP's...bringing pics is the way to go. PLUS, maybe she'll actually like some of the designs that you have printed out and it won't be such a big deal after all? Fingers crossed!

abcollins08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_how-to-say-what-you-want-without-being-a-zilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:0355882f-7405-4f1d-82ad-e954a5babc1fPost:a375be6b-1a91-468c-9606-f02b809050fe">How to say what you want without being a zilla?</a>:
[QUOTE]Last weekend, FMIL announced that she and FFIL would like to pay for our cake. I immediately began crapping bricks because for the past few weeks she has been obsessed with a reallllllly ugly cake she saw at a baby shower. Key words there... BABY SHOWER. She insists we get this horribly ugly, childish hay bale cake. I told her as politely as possible that we want a more eligant, wedding cake. But when she asked if they could pay, I felt like I had to say yes. She immediately replied <strong>"Good because I have a tasting with that lady who made Nicole's cake." I just love how she already scheduled a tasting.</strong> As we all know, FMIL doesn't listen, she just does what she wants. So if I go to this tasting with her, how do I firmly tell her that her really stupid cake is NOT ok with us? How do I tell her what we want without being a zilla? I cannot even begin to tell you how awful that cake looked, and now I am terrified that agreeing to this was the worst idea ever.
Posted by CowgirlK39[/QUOTE]

Sorry, I had to laugh at the bolded part. 
What nerve she has scheduling something behind your back! It sounds like there are going to be strings attached to that money so use caution if you accept. I would do as PP have said and get FI involved. Maybe he can talk some sense into her and she'll see that you want a WEDDING cake.

IIRC, isn't your wedding country/western themed?  Maybe that's where she's going with the cake.  Does she like the theme you've chosen?  If not, she could be trying to make a mockery out of it.  Gah, I hope that's not the case.

doublenn

I would think the most important part is clear it with her that you do not want a hay bale wedding cake BEFORE you head to the consultation. I have a hard time with confrontations, and I'd hate to get in an argument in front of the cake baker

Maybe you can compromise with a smaller elegant wedding cake, and call the hay bale cake the groom's cake?

dawnie204

I agree with a PP, bring FI with you.  Make sure you are both on the same page so that when you have to tell FMIL that you do not want a hay bale cake, it will be coming from both of you. 

I also agree with sending her pictures of things that you and FI like, and taking pics with you.

CowgirlK39

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_how-to-say-what-you-want-without-being-a-zilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:0355882f-7405-4f1d-82ad-e954a5babc1fPost:4c1fcbea-f093-4abf-a88f-af884cb26f51">Re: How to say what you want without being a zilla?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to How to say what you want without being a zilla? : Sorry, I had to laugh at the bolded part.  What nerve she has scheduling something behind your back! It sounds like there are going to be strings attached to that money so use caution if you accept. I would do as PP have said and get FI involved. Maybe he can talk some sense into her and she'll see that you want a WEDDING cake. IIRC, isn't your wedding country/western themed?  Maybe that's where she's going with the cake.  Does she like the theme you've chosen?  If not, she could be trying to make a mockery out of it.  Gah, I hope that's not the case.
Posted by abcollins08[/QUOTE]

She just texted me and informed me that the lady cancelled her appt because she was too busy, so I kinda dodged the bullet for now. Yes, our wedding is country themed, but she has beaten it to death. She has forgotten this is a wedding and seems to think its a costume party. Everything she sees that is remotely country, she buys and tells me its for our wedding. This includes two coffee mugs she got at a garage sale. She can't see past the theme, and keeps thinking every single detail (thus, the cake situ) must be related to the theme 100%.

Katiesue04

Maybe you could have said you already talked to a different baker about a cake...but that's only if you want to pay for it I guess.  If you don't mind not paying for it then other people can have opinions on it.

morenachica110

I don't know about your area (I think it's a Southern thing) but maybe she could do the hay bale cake as a groom's cake for the RD? That's typically what is suggested in situations like this.

QueerFemme

well, now is your chance to line up another baker since the person she had in mind cancelled.  Find a few bakeries ASAP, schedule some tastings, and say "we have scheduled 2 tastings for next saturday.  The bakeries already have an idea of what we both want.  I'd love to have you join us for the tastings if you'd like".