My mom is my biggest problem... (rant)

morenachica110

Well, that and the DJ issue. =P

So I just got off the phone with her and she makes me feel horrible about every 4 convos out of 10. My FILs are saving waaaay too much money for the rehersal dinner. I mean, FMIL told me how much and, with the rehersal I had in mind, they are going to have like a grand left over which is nothing to sneeze about. But, hey, it's their "thing". Personally, I'd much rather have them put money towards the reception (or offer some for the HM), but again... this is their "thing". NOT my place. Besides, we'r efine without the money towards HM or reception.

My mom apparently had the same idea and told me to tell them that.  What?! So I tell her how rude this is and she says to do it anyways. "The rehersal should not outshine the reception." Who's mortified that her mother could be SO rude in her thinking? Me. And I'm not even a stickler for etiquette.

THEN... I tell her I'm thinking about 20 people at the rehersal dinner. I thought it would be nice to invite grandparents (FI only has one grandmother now), siblings, and if FILs wanted OOT that would be up to them since FI's whole family will be OOT. (This is added to us, parents, and WP. Then any dates.)

She says no. No siblings, no grandparents no dates. She says our officiant whould be at dinner if she wants to be (really??) and if we had a cooridinator (we don't). Am I wrong??? I thought she got confused with my wording so I told her that they would be invited to dinner, but didn't have to come to the actual rehersal. Apparently she understood that part. "I guess the whole wedding will be at the rehersal." She said in a super snotty way.

So then she makes a big deal about how we aren't having ushers. IMHO I think it's a BS job unless it's a big wedding. We're inviting around 85 but probably only 60 will be able to come. We're not having assigned seating. Why have ushers? Our brothers are okay with not being in the WP (actually they're all kind of happy they aren't in the spotlight) and I don't want to assign a BS job to someone I know and love. And the only people invited are people we know and love.

She's upset because apparently the ushers walk to moms and grandmothers down the aisle, then husbands follow. She asked, "How will the grandmothers know where to sit?" So I tell her: "I guess they should come to the rehersal." lmao Sorry.. had to.

We're planning on doing this:

http://media-cdn.pinterest.com/upload/26880928995473859_pq26EmKn_c.jpg

And for the first few rows for the immediate family, we'll have reserved signs. Is that impractical? Our wedding will be informal and we're not really doing any traditions...

>.<

ETA: Sorry this is SO long. =/ It just really bothered me and I had to get it out...

Sarah&Eric2012

I'm sorry your mom is giving you a hard time.  I have to say that I envy your guest list.  I wanted to have 130 MAX at my wedding and now my FMIL has inflated the list to almost 200 with random cousins and aunts and uncles I've never heard of.

As for the usher situation.  I'm going to have a couple of my groomsmen act as ushers.  My brothers will walk with my mother down the isle, my FMIL will walk with her SIL and grandson down the isle (all of them are groomsmen).  It might be a good alternative to having a full time usher to just have your brothers walk your mothers and grandmothers down the isle at the start of the ceremony? 

ekk120

Ahhh! Im so sorry! Ultimately -- and believe me, I know how hard it is to do this, but -- dont let someone else dictate what you want for your day. Who you and your FI want at the rehearsal dinner is who should be invited IMHO. I know that there are etiquette rules and blah blah blah, but dont lose sight of that fact that its your day to spend with the people that you want around you. Im having a hard time dealing with all the opinions that people have myself, but FI is quick to remind me to keep in mind what we really want. But good luck with all of this -- I know how stressful all the opinions can make this process.

BMcLeodTeam

I am so sorry that you're dealing with this! I can completely understand how this would be frustrating!!! Try to remember that she doesn't have to approve of everything, that is something I know a lot of us struggle with during the planning process. Maybe limit some of the information that you're sharing with her to avoid her putting her imput in on something she doesn't get a say in? The rehearsal dinner, for example, she is not paying for, so maybe limit what you share with her about it. 

npott044

I am sorry to hear about this. Mothers can be very annoying! My mom has been the biggest annoyance with everything. She has a comment about everything and doesn't want to help with anything which frustrates me. As others have said it's our weddings not theirs. Do what makes you and your FI happy!!

I am also not having ushers. The groomsmen plan on hanging out before the wedding and helping people to their seats if needed. I do not have much family and my FI does so we are hoping to mix things up and not have sides,

SCogs18

I'm going to have to disagree with your mom, I think siblings, dates, and grandparents SHOULD come to the rehearsal.  I can't imagine telling my grandmother she wasn't welcome.  I'm surprised she's okay with excluding her parents (unless they have passed).

Don't listen to her.  She isn't hosting the rehearsal dinner so she doesn't have much say in the matter.

bridalmomma

Morenachica, I'm sorry that you are so stressed about all this!! As a MOB I wanted to weigh in and say I think your mom is WRONG.... it's not her wedding.  According to all the "etiquette rules" unless she is paying for it she doesn't get any say at all. We are paying for almost all of DD wedding (they're broke grad students LOL) but it's still NOT MY wedding so the finale say belongs to them!!

It doesn't matter that FI parents are saving tons of $$ on the rehearsal  dinner, she can't dictate where they spend their $$. Gotta agree it would be awesome if they offered to help pay for the HM!!! Same with who they are willing to host at the RD... it's not her call. You & FI  should discuss with FMIL who you would like, then depending on HER budget decide who comes.

As far as having ushers... I'm pretty sure your grandparents are old enough to have been to a few weddings & know how it works. I would imagine they can find a seat by thenselves!! LOL

OK getting off my soap box now

BTW... love the sign you a having!!

 

mamameech

Oh man, that is rough. My mom was a PITA about the guest list at first, but other than that she's never criticized our decisions (my father on the other hand... lol). I don't understand the attitudes that are revealed when wedding planning; like the sense of entitlement or the lack of tact and respect towards the bride and groom. I mean, do I agree with what everyone here is doing? Nope. But do I need to rain on their parade? Nope. It's your day and you don't deserve to be spoken to or treated that way. You should hire a clown to her usher; I'd love to see the look on her face when you tell her you've arranged for an usher for her and he gives her a balloon animal haha

oh btw, love the sign

agladhill

That stinks!  Sorry you are dealing with mom drama.  My mom is not very helpful with wedding stuff either and I always end up frustrated after talking to her about it.  I have stopped talking to her about it now.  We just talk about other things.  I don't need any extra headaches. 

morenachica110

Thanks for all the support guys! I really, really appreciate it! I've since simmered down, but I still can't believe that she thinks that what she's thinking is okay. My grandmother was a wedding planner/coordinator... you'd think my mom would be a little more respect. But oh well. Ultimately, what she says doesn't really matter in any of the wedding aspects. She's not paying for anything except the bridal shower which, trust me, she has taken on full force like it's a "wedding" of it's own. Sheesh. My dad is paying for most of the wedding and, thankfully, he is really chill and lax about everything. He just wants us to be happy. I mean, I know my mom does too, but I don't think she realizes how much extra stress and hurt her words can have on me.

Anyways, thanks so much for the support. I'm glad I have somewhere that I can rant about these things without sending FI over the edge.

MrsSmithN2012

My motto is that if you aren't paying for it, you have no say so.  I have already made it clear that unless somebody is contributing financially, I don't want your opinion unless I ask for it.  I understand that it may sound very Bridezilla of me, but when it comes to money, I dont care.  Right now, I live with my parents, he has an apartment.  We will be paying for a wedding and buying a house this year....so I have no patience for BS whining and moaning about what people think is right or wrong.  If I ask, then ok.  But if I don't, keep your 2 cents to yourself, heh heh