This has been bugging me

jamie5482

Did you FI choose his groomsmen on his own or did you have any input? And vice versa for the BMs.

FI chose his GMs and I chose my BMs and that was that. I had asked him if he wanted to have my 2 brothers as GM and he said no because he didn't know them very well. That all was decided about a year ago but it has really bothered me that my brothers aren't in the wedding party. 

This was probably silly but I spoke up about it about a week ago and FI and I got into an argument. He felt like I was trying to take over on something he had already decided and I felt like he wasn't hearing me out. We mostly resolved things and have been trying to figure out a compromise. FI asked my older brother if he would like to be an usher and my brother declined. I know that my brother's feelings are hurt but I don't feel like there's anything I can do about it because I have to respect FI's decision even if I don't agree with it. 

I appreciate that I'm marrying FI because he really has been trying to figure out a compromise and I know he wants us both to be happy with it but he is so stuck on having even numbers of BMs/ GMs. He mentioned having one of my brothers stand on my side and the other stand on his. I feel like that would be weird to separate them, much more strange than just having 8 GMs and 6 BMs. I offered to have both brothers stand on my side but FI didn't like that idea. 

Neither of us is upset at each other anymore but it's just a frustrating situation. I think I'm mostly venting because I feel like there's not much to be done at this point. If anyone has a brilliant idea please feel free to help, otherwise I think this is one of those things I'll have to get over. 

volleygurl0306

You should have both your brothers stand on your side if it is important to you.  FI has a large group of great guy friends.  I have 2 brothers and his only sister is in her 40s and he said would not want to be a BM.  So I didn't think I didn't to push my brothers on him.  Before any decisions were made though, I called both my brothers and said "FI has a lot of close guy friends and our WP are large.  It isn't meant as a slight to you but would you  both be okay being ushers.  It'll be less of a responsibility and you can wear suits you own instead of renting tuxes."  They were both fine with it then we chose our WP (he selected his GM and I selected my BMs).  My mom was the only one who was upset at first because she felt it was necessary.  Once I said I talked to them and they were fine with it, she dropped it.

My older brother is getting married and since I am not close with his FI and my brother is not close with his FI's brother, I am standing on my brothers side and my FSIL's brother is standing on her side.  The single gender thing is old-fashioned.  The WP members can stand behind the person who they are closest with these days (mutual friends I guess default to the person of the same sex).  If it is important to you have your brothers stand on your side and tell your FI to get over the even numbers because it is important to you.

CowgirlK39

Well, I could recite TK mantra and tell you to have them on your side and who cares how it looks, he picks his side you pick yours, no one HAS to put someone in the WP, yada yada. But let's get real. You want them in the WP. Fi doesn't want them in simply because he doesn't know them well enough? I think that's a bit childish, since you will all be family he should get to know them. But I also think its a bit juvenile of your brothers to just assume they would be in it, and now be upset that they aren't. I guess the real question is... how big of a deal is this? Will they disown you both if they aren't GMs? Will you look back years from now and say "Man, I really wish they were up there with us?" Or is it more of something that would be nice and people are rubbed wrong now, but eventually everyone will get over it? I guess my answer is if its something really serious and important, your FI needs to either let them in, or let them stand on your side. But if you think this is just upsetting but not fatal, just let it go and they will get over it.

CowgirlK39

Oh I forgot to add: My FI picked his side himself, but initially he wanted his father to stand on his side. I advised against that, since it would make everyone feel chaperoned when we do bach parties or even getting ready. He insisted, and I was called names on here for daring to challege it, but eventually he agreed. Now he is glad he didn't do that, since he has good friends standing up in the wedding without feeling awkward having his dad "party" with them and be the oldest person in the whole WP.

ErinW1912

The only say I had is my brother being on my FI side but the do know each other and have hung out especially when I am doing wedding stuff with my mom-they play x-box or go fishing on my parents lake. He does not have any sisters just brothers if he had sisters I would have had them on my side. I always assumed siblings were asked whether you knew them well or not-then it was up to them to say no. My FI asked my brother which I think is the way it should be. The only real say was number b/c FI has 2 brothers, my brother, and a good freind he did not really want to ask anyone else so we decided on 4 on each side. I have numerous freinds I could have asked that I am close to but those I did not ask understand that we did not want a huge wedding party. I am not close to my sister but she is still a BM and on my side. I guess if FI does not want them and you do have them on your side. I just think it is strange that he does not want to get to know your siblings but then again that is how my brother in-law is the reason me and my sister do not really get along anymore.

calindi

Sides just seems pointless.  What about having them do a reading?  I feel like that's even more meaningful than whose side they stand on.  I personally prefer sitting where I'm comfortable and can see the vows, rather than standing awkwardly in front of the crowd.

AshnRobo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_this-has-been-bugging-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:3bd053a8-1fd9-42dd-bca2-2e29ea587f48Post:0a53ee6b-2dea-4a43-9849-b24b65dcf105">Re: This has been bugging me</a>:
[QUOTE]Sides just seems pointless.  What about having them do a reading?  I feel like that's even more meaningful than whose side they stand on.  I personally prefer sitting where I'm comfortable and can see the vows, rather than standing awkwardly in front of the crowd.
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

I agree. If it is important to you that they be involved in your wedding, let them do a reading or officiate a portion of the ceremony. For example, unity candle. It would be sweet if they both read a poem or excerpt from a story you all enjoyed as children or has special meaning otherwise.

I also think your FI is being ridiculous about requiring the WP to be even. Life isn't even. Accept it.

morenachica110

I feel like you shouldn't force him to chose your brothers, honestly. FI would be peeved at me if I insisted my brother stand up with him because they rarely see each other and have nothing in common so they hardly talk. He has two brothers and none of any of them (his and mine) are standing up. Just because we're/they're siblings doesn't mean anyone is close. I'm closer to my girls than my brother and FI is closer to his guys than his brothers. We did ask them if any of them would be offended and they were all actually relieved they didn't have to buy certain clothes and stand up there.

If it's really important to you, have them stand with you. It would be wierd to have them on your FI's side if they aren't even close.

jessa1228

We basically let each other pick our side of the party, but we did bounce it off of one another before anything was final. My brother will be standing on FI's side because FI asked him to, and if he hadn't, I definitely would have asked him to stand on my side. FI's sister is NOT in our bridal party because neither one of us really cares for her. I could have easily asked her to stand on my side and then FI and I would have had even numbers, but we didn't go that route. So we have one sibling excluded and uneven sides. If anyone cares, they haven't said anything to us about it.

I agree with PP that if it's that important to you to have your brothers involved, have them do a reading.

jamie5482

Thanks for the input everyone! It helps to get some different perspectives and see if I'm being too stubborn (or FI might be). I agree, I think it's silly to be so worried about even numbers but FI is much more traditional than I am so I haven't tried to force the issue. I think if FI doesn't agree to have them on his side I want them to be on my side (though they might feel odd about it and not agree to do it but I want them to at least know they're important to me). 

I think FI is being a bit childish and stubborn but I also think my older brother is too. When FI asked him if he would like to be an usher he said no thanks and then later told me that he didn't want a "consolation prize". I didn't call him out on it because I think he's hurt that FI doesn't consider that they will be closer in the future since we're joining families and all that jazz. 

I don't think FI is thinking of the bigger picture and is instead getting stuck on the small (and super insignificant) detail of even/ uneven sides. It is really lame but I'm either not approaching the issue in the right way or he is being stubborn because he feels like I've decided everything else about the wedding (even though I've consulted and asked him about everything!). He's was also upset and probably a bit caught off guard because I didn't bring this up sooner (which admittedly I should have!). 

I'll see if I can find a reading or two that I like and then broach that topic with the boys. 

mspurr

I guess I'm old fashioned  I like even numbers and same sex on each side.  My brother and I had talked a year or two ago that we were not going to force our SO to ask the other to be part of the bridal party.  Neither of us understand when people choose a FS/BIL they aren't close with over close friends.  FI knew of our agreement ahead of time but still chose to ask my brother.  He said yes, but I wonder if he would have been relieved had he not been asked at all.  I'm thankful that my FI does not have sisters as I had WAY too many girls I wanted to ask and had to limit due to my FI.

BMcLeodTeam

FI chose his groomsmen and I chose my bridesmaids. He wanted my brother to stand up with him and I wanted his sister. We've both become close to each other's families so it didn't surprise me at all

CowgirlK39

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_this-has-been-bugging-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:3bd053a8-1fd9-42dd-bca2-2e29ea587f48Post:7d1a9abf-7f0e-4919-a774-b9904e4e8b24">Re: This has been bugging me</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the input everyone! It helps to get some different perspectives and see if I'm being too stubborn (or FI might be). I agree, I think it's silly to be so worried about even numbers but FI is much more traditional than I am so I haven't tried to force the issue. I think if FI doesn't agree to have them on his side I want them to be on my side (though they might feel odd about it and not agree to do it but I want them to at least know they're important to me).  I think FI is being a bit childish and stubborn but I also think my older brother is too. <strong>When FI asked him if he would like to be an usher he said no thanks and then later told me that he didn't want a "consolation prize".</strong> I didn't call him out on it because I think he's hurt that FI doesn't consider that they will be closer in the future since we're joining families and all that jazz.  I don't think FI is thinking of the bigger picture and is instead getting stuck on the small (and super insignificant) detail of even/ uneven sides. It is really lame but I'm either not approaching the issue in the right way or he is being stubborn because he feels like I've decided everything else about the wedding (even though I've consulted and asked him about everything!). He's was also upset and probably a bit caught off guard because I didn't bring this up sooner (which admittedly I should have!).  I'll see if I can find a reading or two that I like and then broach that topic with the boys. 
Posted by jamie5482[/QUOTE]

Omg how juvenile. He needs to realize this isn't a contest of who is more important to whom. He didn't "lose" and this doesn't indicate you love him any less, but that its just FI's choice. If he is gonna be like that, I would say don't try to fit him in, since it seems like nothing will be good enough. I assume he will find the reading option also a "consolation prize."

BMcLeodTeam

My sister's bf was asked to be an usher, and told us he didn't know if he was coming to the wedding. After FI finally talked it through with him we found out he actually didn't know what an usher was... We explained and now he says he's the 'simple man for a simple job' lol It was kinda cute.

calindi

Jamie, that sounds like a good plan.  I wouldn't force your FI to have them on his side, nor would I split them - I'd be peeved if my FI made me have his sisters on my side.  I like them, but they aren't "my people".  If he chose to have them stand on his side, that's fine - he chose to have two friends stand up for him.  I don't have bridesmaids anyway - I just have my brother (brother-of-honor) who will stand next to me.  So I do totally get where you're coming from.

Either put your brothers on your side and tell your FI to get over the even sides.  Or have them do a reading or help officiate.  Either way, sitting down to talk to them will help.  And to explain that your FI doesn't dislike them, but it's just that they're YOUR people, and he has HIS people.

jamie5482

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_this-has-been-bugging-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:3bd053a8-1fd9-42dd-bca2-2e29ea587f48Post:f2c930f7-9f4a-4b49-9a92-261c3ccc85ef">Re: This has been bugging me</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: This has been bugging me : Omg how juvenile. He needs to realize this isn't a contest of who is more important to whom. He didn't "lose" and this doesn't indicate you love him any less, but that its just FI's choice. If he is gonna be like that, I would say don't try to fit him in, since it seems like nothing will be good enough. I assume he will find the reading option also a "consolation prize."
Posted by CowgirlK39[/QUOTE]
I know! This is the only real wedding drama we've had and I am not good at feeling caught in the middle! <div>
</div><div>I mean, I love my brothers and obviously love my fiance and it's not like they don't like each other or get along so the stubbornness on both sides is confusing to me. At this point if nothing changes I'm kinda okay with it... I just don't want any other complaints from anyone, haha.</div>