September 2012 Weddings

Vent: My effing mother.

My mom is really starting to piss me off. It started in December when I went dress shopping and she made a comment about me being overweight. You can read that incident here. (clicky)

After that, I didn't have much of a desire to include her at all. However, she keeps calling me and asking me questions and making suggestions. Her latest thing is letting her pay for our suite for the night after the wedding.

For a little background (and to be fair to her) she and my dad met and married in a short six weeks. It wasn't an arranged marriage. It is just how they did it. It is what they wanted to do. And, that is fine for them.

I have always thought that meeting and marrying in such a short time was impractical and irresponsible. Ever since I knew that about them I knew I would never do something so irrational. Don't get me wrong. They are still married and still love each other. I just think they should have worked out a few issues before getting married and they did not give themselves that oppurtunity.

I've known since I was 7 that I wanted to date a person for at minimum two years. Be engaged for at least 18 months. Then get married so a minimum of three and a half years before tying the knot. That is what is right for me. That is what I want for me.

Yesterday, she calls me and tells me we should get married in Gulf Shores. My parents keep telling me to have a DW. That isn't fair to FI family b/c they already have to travel so far from the north west coast to get to the middle of the country and my parents want me to move it more to the south east coast. Yeah a DW would be fun, but it just isn't practical. They aren't paying so it isn't a concern for them. They just want a vacation.

I told her that I've already booked vendors so, no. She said oh well its just a DJ. You can lose the deposit and book someone else. Um, its more than the DJ and I'm not okay "losing the deposit." Then she tells me I'm crazy and it was stupid to book vendors so soon.

What the deuce?

I asked why she thought I was crazy/stupid. She said you have so long before the wedding why would you tie yourself down? I said I barely have six months. Those vendors were kind and held my spot before I put a deposit down. Even though they had other people interested in my date. She just said, "well, that's silly I did it all in less than two weeks."

Well, mom, that's super. Pretty sure the wedding industry has changed a lot in the past 30 years and what works for you doesn't necessarily work for me! I'm so sick of her (and my dad) citicising me for wanting to have a nice wedding! They say I'm wasting money on a silly day that I won't ever think about after we've been married for a year. They think spending any money on photography is foolish b/c I "will never look at the photos again."

I've told them that it is my money and this is how I want to spend it, but they still complain. I remind them they aren't paying and therefore don't get to complain.

But, come on. Calling me crazy and stupid for booking vendors? I don't even know what to do. I know mom's are supposed to be involved in the wedding, but why should I continue to involve her if everytime we talk about the wedding I end up wanting to never speak to her again? Seeing her and talking to her is fine..until she starts in about the wedding.

I've pretty much made up my mind about my dress. (The Justin Alexander thanks everyone for voting and commenting yesterday!) I'm going dress shopping with her Friday to show her the dress and let her get the photos (which I'm sure she'll never look at again) that she wants. I told my FI that if she makes another comment like last time (see link at begining of this long vent) that I'm still going to get it and just tell her she is welcome to look at FI all day. He said he would be sure to make silly faces all day.

Most people that are as awful as my mom I can handle. I can be snarky right back or use my multiple tactics for avoidance. If I avoid my mom it becomes a huge family fued. I've told her that her comments hurt me and she claims to have no rememberance of ever saying such awful things and I must have twisted her words in my head.

I'm just beside myself with frustration.

Re: Vent: My effing mother.

  • It is really unfortunately that your mom is speaking to you that way and ruining this for you. Like you said, she did it the way she wanted, and you are doing it the way you want; it's really just that simple.If she can't respect your choices without calling you names or putting you and your ideas down, then ask her to refrain from commenting or don't participate. It's not fair to you and it's going to suck all the joy out of this for you. It's time for a heart to heart and hopefully she'll come around.It really does break my heart that it's like this for you; my mom has her ideas and thoughts but doesn't pull that crap on me. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this :(
    invitationcombo Wedding Countdown Ticker Follow Me on Pinterest
  • Yowza, momzilla.
    It's awful how you told her she wasn't paying for anything, and now she wants to pay for the hotel room... I can see it now- "Darling daughter I really think you should do THIS instead. Your idea is dumb." "But mom, I like my idea and so does FI. We are sticking to it." "But I am helping pay for this wedding by getting your suite so you should oblige me!"

    Eeeek... I wouldn't let her pay for the hotel. Hopefully you aren't struggling for funds. I just see it as her getting her edge in and manipulating and controlling the situation... Seems like she had a great time "planning" her wedding, and thinks it is the only way to go, so she must think that whatever you aren't doing like her is wrong and stupid... just keep trucking. Once it is all done and over she will (hopefully) realize that your way is acceptable and the status quo these days.
  • Fisrt off, *hugs* to you OP. I'm sorry your mom is being a zilla & has said some harsh stuff to you.  

    I'd just be honest with your mom & tell her something like "look, I really appreciate your input & I love you. But some of the things you and dad have said are really hurtful & squash my spirirt. Things in the wedding industry are extrememly different from when you and dad got married so FI & I need to do things differently than you & him. We've booked and paid for vendors we like and the things we want at our wedding to make it 'our' day." 

     I'd start only telling her information she needs to know & cease all other wedding related talks for a while. Keep on trucking, you & your FI will have a wonderful wedding that you two plan & everything will go as you & FI plan =]  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Gosh, that sounds terrible! I would be so upset if I were you too! It's hard to deal with people close to us who disagree with our decisions and constantly remind us of that. It's manipulative and passive-aggressive and needs to stop. Remind her that you are doing what you want and that you don't want what she had. It might be hurtful, but she needs a little dose of reality, me-thinks. At least at this point, she does. I mean, ouch! She sounds like a regular critic! Another issue could be that she is really trying to make herself feel better about how she did it by putting your wedding down. That's just not cool. 
  • Thanks guys. I just realized how long that post was and sorry!

    I've tried talking to her and nothing changes. She mostly denies ever saying anything or puts all the blame on my dad. I told her last night that weddings are different now. She scoffed and said it was a waste of time. That hurt.

    I've even asked her if she just doesn't want me and my FI to get married and she says that she is fully in support of it. She loves him to death and is thrilled I found such a great guy.

    I think I'll do what josephwed said, and just keep her on a need to know basis. Bean dip when she starts getting too harsh. I really feel bad for my FI in this situation. He has no idea how to respond and I can tell he gets angry that they speak to me like that. He wants to say something, but feels like it isn't his place. So he just sits there as dumbfounded as I am.
  • My mom has money "issues" meaning she gets real weird and crappy when dealing with money if she feels she is out of her element and can't afford something.  It's like she has a complex, so since they can't really pay for much of my wedding (which I am perfectly fine with), she often wants to go in this same direction as your mom in making comments about why we are having such a big wedding, or the way they did her wedding (40 years ago...hello?!).  We are having a DW, but my mom is starting to have second thoughts about that due to my elderly grandparents and actually told me recently that it wasn't too late to change it (after literally thousands of MY dollars have spent on deposits, STDs gone out, etc.) I have found over the years, and more so in this wedding planning experience, that I know I am not going to change her or her attitude, so I am better off feeling comfortable and secure in our decisions without seeking her approval (or FI"s family either for that matter).  As soon as I stopped putting that pressure on myself for her unequivocal approval, I noticed that 1) she stopped making her comments because they weren't getting her anywhere or changing things and 2) I was much happier.  I still involve in her in most decisions because I do want to share this experience with her, but I don't let her think she actually has control over it.  Sorry you are dealing with this!! :(
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Ashn, I'm sorry for your FI & the whole situation you guys are in. But how exciting for purchasing your dress soon! When is your wedding? 

    NO2012 has some good advice too. If there is a wedding related decision, be it a videographer, paper lanterns, fresh flowers vs. silk; whatever the decision is, make it with FI & enjoy planning together. You & him don't need the added stress from anyone saying "well back in my day, we did this" or any other negative comments. 

    Good luck to you both =] 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Holy crap. What a.... strange lady.

    I think you should throw short but to the point answers everytime she says something dumb. I have to do this with my FMIL because the things she suggests are just ridiculous. Like your mom, my FMIL had a quick low budget wedding, and she throws that in our faces all the time ("I had a $75 rental gown!"). Everytime she opens her mouth and says something stupid, I just say "No, we have that taken care of already." She asked the other day about flowers, and offered some really idiotic suggestions (she equates fall wedding with halloween, and is pushing her dollar store halloween decorations on me). I simply said "No. My mom and I figured that out. It's all set." Anything she says after that just goes blah blah blah in my head.

    She needs no explaination for why you are doing what you are doing, therefore, don't give her one. When she says DW, you say "No, we are getting married at X." When she says "But a DW is better!" you simply bean-dip the conversation or again, just say NO. Shooting her down constantly will eventually wear her out. Or so we hope.

    Good luck!
  • I'm so sorry you're mom is acting like this. My mom has had her fair share of moments. Definitely don't let her pay for anything if you can. She would probably use that as "paying for the wedding". Ugh.

    Just don't bring it up. Ever. That's what I do with my mom. And when it does come up it on a need to know basis. She gets crazy. Her "thing" is the guestlist. She just won't let it go.

    Send good thoughts your way! At least you have a wonderful FI. =) The silly faces comment made me giggle. that's something my FI would say. haha
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards