Need to vent-long

npott044

Hi ladies! Long time and not much talk. I have been avoid posting a lot recently because their is so much drama surrounding wedding stuff the thought of wedding planning just makes me unhappy now.

So two weeks ago I went shopping for mothers dresses with my mom and my FMIL. Things went great and we came back to my house to talk money and wedding day timeline. I had been tossing the idea of a photo booth around recently and my mom thought it was a great idea when we saw it at a bridal show several months ago. Well at our meeting she started calling me spoiled for wanting this and going on and on about how I need to stay within my means. I bite my tongue and keep talking. At that point I started talking about the guest list and what are expected budget is if every guest on the list comes. She then freaks out again and tells me I need to cut the guest list because half of the people I wont be friends with in 10 years anyways and the family I am inviting probably wont show up anyways so why am I wasting my time inviting them. The she asks me why we just can't change our reception venue to a place thats not as "picky." At that point I told her she is starting to piss me off. Her response "fine then I just wont come to your wedding!" At the point I ran to my bedroom crying. My FMIL came in and told me she loved and took my mother home.

That night we had tasting scheduled. She never showed nor did she call. I have not really talked to her since because I do not know what I want to say. Instead of calling me she has texted me saying she will not let my brother be in the wedding nor will she come unless she speaks her mind to me. Today at school I found out when graduation was. It was a natural instinct for me to text my family the day and time so they could all mark the day down. Well my mom was included in the text and she replied by saying she has no intention of coming to any of my "events" at this time!

Side note: Since I have gotten engaged my mom has been happy and then unhappy for me. One day she is excited and offering to help pay for the wedding and the next she thinks FI and are not meant for each other. My mom has been like this my entire life and I have learned to deal with it. I have cut her off in the past but now I have a little 10 year-old brother that she wont allow to see me if I am not speaking to her.

I am sorry if this jumps all over the place but typing this has been like word vomit I have been holding in. I have no idea what to do. I am no longer enjoying wedding planning and instead of looking forward to the next 6 months I am dreading it and what drama my mother might bring.

shaer2

I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this difficulty with your mom when this should be a completely enjoyable time in your life. I am a firm believer that besides the expected stress of money, weddings should not be stressful nor upsetting, especially for the bride and groom.
It sounds as if you've had a rocky relationship with your mom for some time now, and I can only suggest (of course, not knowing your mom personally), that you let her be, let her cool off, and lean on your FMIL a little more now, as it seems from your post that you have a good relationship with her. You have time before the wedding for her to calm down and hopefully realize what she is missing out by acting like this.
I don't know if you are dependent on her contributing financially, but if you can do without I would, and if she chooses to contribute, look at it more as a gift and thank her for it. That may work better with her.
I  hope that this helps a little. I tend to have a rocky relationship and always have with my mom as well. I have always been the one who tends to never be able to do things right in her eyes, so I do understand how you feel to a point.

Good luck and please don't let this put a black cloud over your journey to becoming a happy, beautiful bride.

romamor4

Not to jump to conclusions but is your mother bipolar possibly? She certainly seems to let her emotions get the best of her and expects you to fulfill her wishes and needs. How are her relationships with other people? Friends? I think analyzing where this is coming from might help you understand the situation more and react in the most appropriate manner, as difficult as that is. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It must be heart wrenching and so stressful!

DeadUtopia

I don't have anything constructive to say, but I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this. I agree with PP, please don't let this dampen your wedding day, but I know that's  a tall order. I'm giving you a big internet hug right now

mamameech

I am with Romanor; does your mother suffer from a mood disorder? I don't mean that in a mean way at all, it just seems like she is having a hard time handling her emotions. I take a little pill every day to keep me "stable" and I can admit that; I was diagnosed with depression at a young age and after having my son, my pms symptoms made my moods swings so nasty that I finally accepted taking something. I'm surprised FI stayed with me!! I need the extra serotonin to keep my moods level.

Anyhoo, all that to say that she may need some help, if she hasn't already gotten it; you mentioned she's always been like this right?

No matter the reason, she is being extremely unfair and hurtful. You are much calmer than I would be, but again, if you're used to this behaviour, I guess you're not surprised. It doesn't make it hurt any less I'm sure

I'm so sorry she's taking the joy out of this for you and I hope that both of you can reconcile and not regret missing out on this special time together. 

Clarustin2011

I agree with PP about your mother possibly having a mood disorder. I'd have a talk with her and see if she will see someone about it.

I'm sorry that you have to go through this when this should be your happiest time of planning. Have yourself a glass of wine and relax!

jessa1228

I'll agree that it seems your mother has some kind of chemical imbalance, but i'm not sure this is the time to address it with her. If she's anything like my father (and she sounds A LOT like him), suggesting she has a mental illness will only enrage her more and make things worse. Are you relying on your mother to financially contribute to your wedding? If not, start limiting wedding discussions with her. As for your brother - is your father in the picture? What is his take on all of this? Good luck OP. I know how difficult a situation like this is :-/

wineo929

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_need-to-vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:425a96a8-70e1-4155-a058-2e0256fe641aPost:6fed2367-7962-447a-834c-0a2f442b73d2">Re: Need to vent-long</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I am with Romanor; does your mother suffer from a mood disorder? I don't mean that in a mean way at all, it just seems like she is having a hard time handling her emotions.</strong> I take a little pill every day to keep me "stable" and I can admit that; I was diagnosed with depression at a young age and after having my son, my pms symptoms made my moods swings so nasty that I finally accepted taking something. I'm surprised FI stayed with me!! I need the extra serotonin to keep my moods level. Anyhoo, all that to say that she may need some help, if she hasn't already gotten it; you mentioned she's always been like this right? No matter the reason, she is being extremely unfair and hurtful. You are much calmer than I would be, but again, if you're used to this behaviour, I guess you're not surprised. It doesn't make it hurt any less I'm sure :( I'm so sorry she's taking the joy out of this for you and I hope that both of you can reconcile and not regret missing out on this special time together. 
Posted by mamameech[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>This is exactly what I was thinking when I read your post. A lot of times disorders like this go undiagnosed so it's possible :-/ I'm sorry this is such a stressor and that you're going through this during your engagement but I think the PP have some good advice! </div>

npott044

Hi ladies,
Thanks for the support! Yes my mother is bipolar. She had my entire life and she has been off and on her meds.My mother has inspired me to work in mental health and with all my book smarts and professional self I still have trouble dealing. I knew I could not rely on her 100% from the get on so I am not dependent on getting money from her. However, part of my always hopes she will come around one day and come through for me.

As far as my dad, no he is not in the picture. I have a step-dad but he has tons of his own issues.

Thanks again ladies,
Nicole

wineo929

Hey Nicole,

I'm sorry to hear that about your mother but I love that you've taken those experiences and are working in the mental health field! I work in special education and I really believe that what we do is priceless! It feels great to give people with disorders or disabilities the skils they need to be independent in life. I hope things work out with your mom. We're always here to listen!!

Jess

junebug19

nicole- that was my first thought as well when I read your post. Unfortunately, I know (kind of) how you feel, my FMIL is bipolar and since FFIL has passed her manic episodes have gotten so much worse and frequent, I don't want to get into specifics here, but if you ever want to pm me feel free I see what it all does to my FI, and even though he knows its not all necessarily her "fault" it does raise his frustration level and when she doesn't comply with treatment/meds that just makes him angry.
Anyway, try to relax and enjoy your engagement with your FI.

romamor4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_need-to-vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:425a96a8-70e1-4155-a058-2e0256fe641aPost:6fed2367-7962-447a-834c-0a2f442b73d2">Re: Need to vent-long</a>:
[QUOTE]I take a little pill every day to keep me "stable" and I can admit that; I was diagnosed with depression at a young age and after having my son, my pms symptoms made my moods swings so nasty that I finally accepted taking something. I'm surprised FI stayed with me!! I need the extra serotonin to keep my moods level. 
Posted by mamameech[/QUOTE]

<div>@mamameech, funny you should say this...me too!!</div><div>
</div><div>@npott, I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. It's inspiring to see that you work in the mental health field though. Have you seen a therapist yourself or do you have anything that you do in order to de-stress? It's difficult to deal with people who aren't always "themselves" and sometimes we need our own therapy to get through it, especially during an important time such as your wedding. I hope she comes around. I wish I could tell you how to deal with it, but I don't know what would be the best manner. Something I would try though would be to tell her what she is doing when she is doing it and that it's not making sense. I would try to take her outside of her episode to show her that it's her Bipolar that is acting up. Not sure how effective that would be, but if it were me, that's what I would try. HTH</div>

spalihena

All I can say is BIG WARM HUG to you... Hang in there... When she stresses you out think about the fact that you are about to start a whole new chapter with the man you love and focus on that

Tandra&Devin

First, I want to say that you're a real trooper for handling your mother and still trying to have an amicable relationship with her, given the health difficulties she has.  I've got a close family member like that and it can be a real rollercoaster at times -- so frustrating!

My advice would be to just try to ignore most of her irrationality.  I was diagnosed with a mood disorder at 15 and I know that sometimes when I get pissy or moody, having people point it out just makes me more upset.  My FI learned that quick, poor man!  Nowadays he's great about just letting me rant and rave and then changing the subject.

Right now, you may want to call your mom, though.  Say something along the lines of, "Mom, I'm sorry I got mad at you the other day, I didn't mean to snap.  I've thought about what you said about our budget and you're right, so we're going to be more careful about what we spend on for the wedding.  And even though we may not see or speak to some of the guests later, right now I'd still like to share my special day with them.  That goes for you and my brother, I can't imagine not having you guys there with us."

There may be real concerns under her explosiveness, so try to address them without caving to any self-victimization on her part.  When she's in a better frame of mind, maybe you can encourage her to see a therapist and/or go back on her medication.

Good luck!  I hope all goes well for you. 

kirab2

not sure I really have any advice for you... but I feel your pain, FI is bi polar and it is definitely hard at times.