Family drama altering wedding ideas...advice please!

embm · August 2012

I apologize in advance for the length... I would greatly appreciate some thoughts from people that are uninvolved.

Ok, so I am planning to get married in April of next year but we cant decide whether to elpoe, have a destination wedding or a traditional wedding. We found a venue that we're in love with and then we have a close second in the event we do have a traditional wedding. This is the only time I plan to get married and I don't want to look back with regrets and wish we had gone with the whole traditional thing. Our other option is to just take off to a beach somewhere and get married and then go on our honeymoon and have a reception type party later. Or plan something quaint where just us and our parents and sibs attend without any bridal party-or just MOH and BM. But that's the kicker and why I cant decide what to do....My sister and I have always said that we'd be each others MOH but our relationship has taken a turn for the worst. We have always had a pretty good relationship but with a lot of crap going on--I'll spare you the dirty details--we are VERY strained. I went dress shopping with my sister, mom and best friend and I hoped the process would be fun but my sister seemed to have an attitude the whole time. And now we dont even talk..it's like there's an elephant in the room everytime we're together. The only thing I can come up with--and I hate to say it because I feel like such a jerk to say it--is jealousy. She is five years older than me and unmarried without a steady relationship and she expressed her concern that I would get married before her quite a few years ago. I haven't gotten into planning yet because I can't decide what to do...I don't want the whole process to be dramatic and unpleasant. I've always wanted my sis to be my moh but lately I don't really want her involved if it's gonna be a bad experience. We tried a sit down talk recently and she didn't want to discuss anything. According to her she 'doesn't care' about our relationship. Some advice would be really nice. I don't want the reason I do or don't do a real wedding to be based on my sister but at the same time it'd be a lot easier to not hurt feelings if we elope.

Avion22 · August 2012

As for your sister -- maybe try to engage with her in a way that has nothing to do with your wedding. Maybe take her to a spa day, or go ask her to meet for coffee or lunch or something, and don't talk about the wedding at all. Try to rekindle your friendship with her.

As for what kind of wedding to have, I think you and your fiance need to sit down and figure out the wedding that the two of you really want. Obviously you'll want to consider your schedules, your budget, and your family dynamics, but it should ultimately be what you feel like is the right wedding for you.

As for whether or not you have an MOH, and if that ends up being your sister, I would recommend you wait on that decision until you see about mending your relationship with your sister.

BostonGIrl4732 · August 2012

My sister and I were very strained for a while so I understand where you're coming from. Recently we both started to work on our relationship and things are 100x better. We both made mistakes and we've both learned from them. But the kicker here is that BOTH of you have to want it. If you want to fix things but she doesn't, you're going to have to wait until she's ready.

Don't let one person dictate how your wedding is going to be. It should be between you and your FI. While I understand that you want your sister as MOH but can't see it happening right now, hold off on that decision until closer to the wedding. Or don't have a MOH. There are a lot of options here if you decide to go the traditional path, but it's something that you have to decide with FI first.

ElleB87 · August 2012

I think your sister is being really immature. Who cares if you're younger and you get married before her?

As for how to wed...that's the million dollar question. H and I were originally planning a small local wedding but I have SEVERE social anxiety and a psychotic family that makes want to tear my hair out at the best of times. After a lot of talking and weighing the pros and cons we decided to do a private DW in Ireland. It was the best decision we made. I know we would have both regretted doing an at home wedding. But that's just us, every couple is different, you need to decide the best option for YOU (and your FI of course).

embm · August 2012

Thank you for the advice everyone! I have tried a sit down talk with her, even with our mom there to try and get to the bottom of things but she wouldnt say what was bothering her, she even said she didn't care.

As for deciding what kind of wedding...I just want to be married to the man that I love...I've never been hell bent on any particular kind of wedding and according to him, he wants whatever I want and whatever we do, he 'just wants to be married to me in the end.' I think FI is leaning towards just the two of us on a beach somewhere but he also doesn't want me to have any regrets if we don't do the traditional thing. If I knew things would be hunky dory with my family I think I'd go for the traditional wedding but I guess no matter what I do, I can't keep worrying about my sister and whether she's gonna be all smiles or a negative Nellie.

I really appreciate hearing everyone's thoughts, it's nice to have an outside opinion!

sally87 · August 2012

I think the private destination wedding with a reception/party back home afterwards sounds like the best of both worlds! You'll get your very romantic and intimate ceremony, but you'll still get to party it up with all your family and friends afterward!

Jasmine0601 · October 2013

I'm in the same boat. Lots of family drama. We are going to have a small family-only religious/spiritual ceremony in our backyard (so our families/moms feel included) and then fly off to Hawaii to elope. The elopement is where we'll actually sign the license and whatnot.

It's 2013 and you can do whatever you want to make it work for you.

Personally, I know my fiance and I would get stressed out by all the family drama at a full on traditional wedding, and my No. 1 priority is to ensure this is a happy occasion for us -- not a stressful, strained time to please others.