FMIL does it yet again! ARGH!

CowgirlK39

I am so at a loss for words for how ridiculous my FMIL is being lately about these showers. First. she spent all last week asking me what day I want mine on. I agreed to a date she had in mind, and then she asked me just about everyday for the rest of the week if I was ok with it being a sunday (I DONT CARE!!!). Then, yesterday before the super bowl started, she told me that she and FSIL were talking about her shower, and it was then that FMIL realized she couldn't invite the whole world. So she told FSIL she was going to take out a loan so she could not only invite everyone and their cousin to the shower, but then also to her wedding! FSIL is ok with this but I sure hope to hell she doesn't think she can do this to me! My family is paying for the reception, so the guest list is set at a certain amount.

I took a breath and calmly explained to her that you only invite people who are invited to the wedding to the shower. She began telling me how we just HAD to invite FFIL's cousins (a family of TWELVE) to the wedding/shower. I tried again to tell her that's not how it works but she didn't get it. I don't care if she wants to go into debt for FSIL's wedding, but I sure hope she doesn't throw a shower for me and invite long lost family to the wedding! I tried to rant to FI but all I got was "Are you REALLY gonna talk about this during the Super Bowl!?" ARGH!

What is a to-the-point and simple way of telling her she absolutely may NOT invite all these people to mine? I am grateful for the shower but I know its not a shower for us... its a "look-at-me" party for her. I need some direct way to get this across to her. Help!?

wineo929

Yikes. She seems like she's so excited that she's set no boundaries for herself. I think that you need to sit with her and tell her that you appreciate everything she's doing for you, but it's really important to you and your family to stick to a certain number of people at the wedding and to stick to etiquette (assuming you want to stick to etiquette, which it sounds like you do!) 

Do you have a BM or MOH that can work on the shower with your FMIL? If one of your girls can work on planning it with her she may be able to be the voice of reason while your FMIL plans stuff that you're not a part of... Can you see the guest list prior to invites going out?

Good luck :0/

CowgirlK39

My BM's cant help because they don't live here. Even if they were I am not sure if they would be a big help because they are kinda not into this type of stuff.

FMIL also said yesterday that she was thinking of having 50-75 people at the shower. Thats more than we have for FI's side for the whole wedding! I have no idea who she thinks she is inviting!

mamameech

EEk it seems like she isn't really listening to you and is thinking of this as "her" event - not yours. That's a sticky situation and I definitely do not envy you.
I say just tell her what you want and don't want, and let her dig herself a hole. I realize her intentions are probably good, she's not really respecting you as a bride or as a future daughter in law. If you make your wishes and limitations clear, she can only blame herself if others are upset for being invited to a shower and not the wedding.

romamor4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_fmil-yet-again-argh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:65d64117-ea89-4231-b9be-e2eda8d1d276Post:a22bbb7d-e2cf-44bc-9d4d-3199829ab4bf">Re: FMIL does it yet again! ARGH!</a>:
[QUOTE]EEk it seems like she isn't really listening to you and is thinking of this as "her" event - not yours. That's a sticky situation and I definitely do not envy you. I say just tell her what you want and don't want, and let her dig herself a hole. I realize her intentions are probably good, she's not really respecting you as a bride or as a future daughter in law. If you make your wishes and limitations clear, she can only blame herself if others are upset for being invited to a shower and not the wedding.
Posted by mamameech[/QUOTE]

<div>This was what I was going to say too! It's not really worth it to go any further with her on the subject. If she's hosting the party, then you can only tell her what you want and hope that she listens. Also consider that you will have to deal with this woman for a long time after this. You don't want to start off in a bad way, even though she is the one putting you in this predicament. As mamameech says, she will have to deal with the hole she's digging herself into if she ultimately chooses to not listen to what you want. I certainly do not envy you!! I hope things work out in the end!</div>

CowgirlK39

So what you are saying is if she doesn't listen, and tells all these people to come to the shower and wedding, but then I don't send them an invite, I'm not the "bad guy?" I just wanna be clear because it sounds like this is going to be the issue we will have. We already sorta had this issue when she visited a relative for christmas and right away began blabbing "Oh yeah you sure can come to the wedding!" We freaked out at her, but then dropped it because this was someone already on the guest list. It was her lack of consideration of the list that time that makes us nervous again.

mamameech

I can't guarantee that you won't be viewed as "the bad guy", but you will know who is actually in the wrong. I think it's really all you can do in this situation.
You can't take responsibility for her actions; especially when you've voiced your concerns.

DirtyWater

I think the only other thing different that I would do in this situation after everything the PPs said, would be to give her a list of every woman invited to the wedding.  Tell her that those names are the only ones that should be invited.  Remind her that the list for the wedding itself is not open for any additions, and that if she invites more people to the shower that are not invited to the wedding, it may put her in a bad light with her friends and other family members.

Then I would drop it.  If she does it, and someone says that you're the bad guy all you can do is apologize and let them know that you didn't have anything to do with the planning of the shower, and that your family/venue couldn't accommodate any more than you invited.  Then you can throw in that you wished you could have invited everyone, but it just wasn't possible.

SCogs18

PPs have a lot of good advice.  I would also suggest you talk to your FI about this.  Explain that the guest list is closed and that the shower invites MUST come from the guest list.

I'd also point out that a shower with 75 guests would not be fun for anyone.  Typically, guests sit and watch the bride open her gifts.  At 90 seconds a gift (which seems short to me) with 75 gifts that is 1 hours and 53 minutes of gift opening!  Her guests would be bored out of their minds and it would be the world's longest bridal shower.

jessa1228

I think PPs have covered everything here. The only thing I'll add is that if you're THAT worried FMIL will break etiquette and make you look bad, then decline her offer to throw you the shower. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, especially since you said your BMs probably won't throw you one, but that's really the only other solution I can see.