September 2012 Weddings

NWR FMIL rant!! (very long)

Many of you have read my rants about FMIL. She is a very childish, naive, and attention-starved woman. I have gotten very used to smiling and nodding at all her stupid ideas and suggestions, while FI can never hold back. He yells at her, and sometimes does it intentionally to get a rise out of her. She then cranks up the dramatics and yells that "everyone hates" her and that she is going to run away and live in a hotel. See what I mean? Very mature.

Yesterday she informed us all that she adopted another cat. That makes 7... in a trailer. Their place stinks badly and last year they had a problem with the cats all having worms, but the vet wouldnt see them till she got their fleas taken care of. She complained to me that she shouldn't have to treat all of them, and I firmly but politely told her they all had to be treated or nothing would be done. She only treated 2.

So yesterday when I got the pic of the new cat I simply said "She's very cute but you do not need more cats." I feel very strongly about this because its getting to be downright inhumane in their house. However, FI told me not to argue with her and that I shouldn't be "making her hate" me. I was a little annoyed that he thinks I should just sit back and smile and nod to her all the time while he is the one egging her on. I do not think this is an issue I can smile and nod about, and I don't think I should have to put on a fake happy smile everytime she does something this dumb just bc FI can't keep his mouth shut.

Do I always have to be sugary sweet to FMIL for the rest of my life simply because I am not entitled to be upset with her? Or should I be allowed to speak out when needed? I put up with so much of her petty stupid crap because her kids won't, and she has even told me that I am the only person who likes her.

Re: NWR FMIL rant!! (very long)

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_nwr-fmil-rant-very-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:83e968a9-e3da-41b4-9437-b71621ed30baPost:e52cd064-2010-4c18-bcd5-364cb73904b6">NWR FMIL rant!! (very long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Many of you have read my rants about FMIL. She is a very childish, naive, and attention-starved woman. I have gotten very used to smiling and nodding at all her stupid ideas and suggestions, while FI can never hold back. He yells at her, and sometimes does it intentionally to get a rise out of her. She then cranks up the dramatics and yells that "everyone hates" her and that she is going to run away and live in a hotel. See what I mean? Very mature. Yesterday she informed us all that she adopted another cat. That makes 7... in a trailer. Their place stinks badly and last year they had a problem with the cats all having worms, but the vet wouldnt see them till she got their fleas taken care of. She complained to me that she shouldn't have to treat all of them, and I firmly but politely told her they all had to be treated or nothing would be done. She only treated 2. So yesterday when I got the pic of the new cat I simply said "She's very cute but you do not need more cats." I feel very strongly about this because its getting to be downright inhumane in their house. However, FI told me not to argue with her and that I shouldn't be "making her hate" me. I was a little annoyed that he thinks I should just sit back and smile and nod to her all the time while he is the one egging her on. I do not think this is an issue I can smile and nod about, and I don't think I should have to put on a fake happy smile everytime she does something this dumb just bc FI can't keep his mouth shut. <strong>Do I always have to be sugary sweet to FMIL for the rest of my life simply because I am not entitled to be upset with her? </strong>Or should I be allowed to speak out when needed? I put up with so much of her petty stupid crap because her kids won't, and she has even told me that I am the only person who likes her.
    Posted by CowgirlK39[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Yes and no.  You can be upset at her, but about her cats?  I mean, she is an adult and is able to make her own decisions regardless of whether or not you agree with them.  It's one of those things where you are just going to have to take a deep breath and deal with it.  You aren't her mother and you really don't have a "right" to tell her what she should do.  If she is physically hurting the animals, or harming people then yes speak up and do so immediately.  Otherwise, you are feeding into her petty crap and dishing it out as well :)</div><div>
    </div><div>Best of luck!  

    </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_nwr-fmil-rant-very-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:83e968a9-e3da-41b4-9437-b71621ed30baPost:9fa4eebf-7938-4bec-98c5-ec1b1179a123">Re: NWR FMIL rant!! (very long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to NWR FMIL rant!! (very long) : Yes and no.  You can be upset at her, but about her cats?  I mean, she is an adult and is able to make her own decisions regardless of whether or not you agree with them.  It's one of those things where you are just going to have to take a deep breath and deal with it.  You aren't her mother and you really don't have a "right" to tell her what she should do.  If she is physically hurting the animals, or harming people then yes speak up and do so immediately.  Otherwise, you are feeding into her petty crap and dishing it out as well :) Best of luck!  
    Posted by lbarr088[/QUOTE]

    <div>I agree with this. The response should have been left at, "She's a cute cat". Your MIL didn't email asking your opinion. I know it sucks to have to be nice to someone you don't like, but this is your MIL. She will be in your life forever. </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_nwr-fmil-rant-very-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:83e968a9-e3da-41b4-9437-b71621ed30baPost:9fa4eebf-7938-4bec-98c5-ec1b1179a123">Re: NWR FMIL rant!! (very long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to NWR FMIL rant!! (very long) : Yes and no.  You can be upset at her, but about her cats?  I mean, she is an adult and is able to make her own decisions regardless of whether or not you agree with them.  It's one of those things where you are just going to have to take a deep breath and deal with it.  You aren't her mother and you really don't have a "right" to tell her what she should do.  If she is physically hurting the animals, or harming people then yes speak up and do so immediately.  Otherwise, you are feeding into her petty crap and dishing it out as well :) Best of luck!  
    Posted by lbarr088[/QUOTE]

    I agree 100%.  Also, if you think the cats are in harms way, you can call animal control/rescue.  If it's as gross as you say they would do something about it.  Just call up anomalously. If she thinks you're the only one who likes her then play nice. If not then you'll have an even worse future with her.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_nwr-fmil-rant-very-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:83e968a9-e3da-41b4-9437-b71621ed30baPost:9fa4eebf-7938-4bec-98c5-ec1b1179a123">Re: NWR FMIL rant!! (very long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to NWR FMIL rant!! (very long) : Yes and no.  You can be upset at her, but about her cats?  I mean, she is an adult and is able to make her own decisions regardless of whether or not you agree with them.  It's one of those things where you are just going to have to take a deep breath and deal with it.  You aren't her mother and you really don't have a "right" to tell her what she should do.  If she is physically hurting the animals, or harming people then yes speak up and do so immediately.  Otherwise, you are feeding into her petty crap and dishing it out as well :) Best of luck!  
    Posted by lbarr088[/QUOTE]

    I actually disagree with this.  I'd think that the things that I *wouldn't* argue with her about are the things that you're keeping your mouth shut about right now.

    But when it comes down to animals who are obviously being neglected (case and point: all of them had fleas/worms last year and she only gave 2 of them treatment- THAT is neglect, I'm sorry)... *that's* where I couldn't help but say something.  It's absolutely her right if she wants to own cats & take in as many as she wants to/can... however, if she's not taking care of them the way she should, then you should definitely be taking a stand and telling her it's not a good idea.

    Depending on how bad the situation is, I probably wouldn't stop at voicing my concerns to my FMIL.  I value the life of an animal WAY over the relationship I have with my FMIL.  Don't get me wrong, I love my FMIL, but if she was refusing to get treatment for one of her pets who needed it, I couldn't sit back and smile and nod.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_nwr-fmil-rant-very-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:83e968a9-e3da-41b4-9437-b71621ed30baPost:419f1d3c-5e26-44f3-b1b4-aaaf59e68959">Re: NWR FMIL rant!! (very long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR FMIL rant!! (very long) : I agree 100%.  Also, if you think the cats are in harms way, you can call animal control/rescue.  If it's as gross as you say they would do something about it.  Just call up anomalously. If she thinks you're the only one who likes her then play nice. If not then you'll have an even worse future with her.
    Posted by DirtyWater[/QUOTE]

    I agree with the "yes and no" that you need to pick your battles.  When you said "you don't need another cat" I assume what you meant is " you need to take care of the ones you have first."  It is not your place to say how many cats she should have.  I agree with calling animal control because that is neglect.  I think this is a better way to handle than being confrontational to her because you'll have to pay for it down the road and unless you are going to take in all these cats and care for them, you'd have to take them to animal control yourself anyways.  I think you should save the confrontational stuff for things that directly impact you....like if she tries to mettle in your relationship with FI or in the raising of any kids you have or ever have.  That's where FMILs can be crossing the line.  The cat thing you should treat the same way you would if she is anyone.  If you feel like it is your responsibility to make sure other people's animals are treated right, then do so. 
  • Thanks girls. I have a degree in animal science/behavior so this really hurts me to see what they do to their animals. I make NO comments about their poor financial choices. I make no comments when she gives really, really dumb suggestions for our wedding. I make no comments when she gets mad that FI will not answer her texts while working and instead texts me asking what his problem is. I make no comments when she complains to me that none of her 4 kids like her. I hold my tounge 99% of the time, while FI goes off on her about everything.

    However, I am the one who gets the phone calls when one cat attacked another so bad that she is bleeding profusely, because no one would listen to me when I tried to teach them how to properly introduce new cats. I am the one who gets the phone calls that the cats have worms hanging out of their backsides. I am their source for animal health, but when I tell them they need to care for them and that means spend money, they stop listening and the problems get worse. Is it my responsibility to care for their animals? No. It's theirs. You are all right, though, its none of my business what pets they have. But it has evolved into being my business when I am the one getting calls when they aren't being cared for.

    FBIL, who still lives at home, just texted me and said that the cat was bought for him as a bday gift, even though he didn't want another cat. She bought it solely because she thought it was cute and she wanted it, and passed it off as a gift for him. She does this all the time with other things, but it is NOT ok to do that with animals.
  • That's a mess!  I honestly would call animal control.  It isn't safe for the cats to be there.  And, then there are no cats for her to call you about so it elminates your annoyance.  If they don't listen to you, this is all you can do to save those cats.  You don't even have to tell FI it was you (all for an honest relationship but sounds like he'd tell his mom it was you at some point to push her buttons) who called.  You are classy to keep your mouth shut the rest of the time.  Stay strong! 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_nwr-fmil-rant-very-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:83e968a9-e3da-41b4-9437-b71621ed30baPost:7443fd99-0502-4259-aeaf-b68752295df3">Re: NWR FMIL rant!! (very long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]She bought it solely because she thought it was cute and she wanted it, and passed it off as a gift for him. She does this all the time with other things, but it is <strong>NOT ok to do that with animals.</strong>
    Posted by CowgirlK39[/QUOTE]

    I totally agree with this!  When there is another live being in the mix, all bets are off.  I'm not sure if you are going to be able to change her though. It seems like no matter what you tell her, she is going to do what she wants anyway.  I would call the shelter or animal control and let them know about the problems.  Obviously, the animals are in an unsafe environment and they deserve to be treated better. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Keep smiling and nodding.  And call Animal Control while you are doing it.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_nwr-fmil-rant-very-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:83e968a9-e3da-41b4-9437-b71621ed30baPost:dafbd948-0c7f-4b19-9752-aff612e27233">Re: NWR FMIL rant!! (very long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR FMIL rant!! (very long) : I actually disagree with this.  I'd think that the things that I *wouldn't* argue with her about are the things that you're keeping your mouth shut about right now. But when it comes down to animals who are obviously being neglected (case and point: all of them had fleas/worms last year and she only gave 2 of them treatment- THAT is neglect, I'm sorry)... *that's* where I couldn't help but say something.  It's absolutely her right if she wants to own cats & take in as many as she wants to/can... however, if she's not taking care of them the way she should, then you should definitely be taking a stand and telling her it's not a good idea. Depending on how bad the situation is, I probably wouldn't stop at voicing my concerns to my FMIL.  I value the life of an animal WAY over the relationship I have with my FMIL.  Don't get me wrong, I love my FMIL, but if she was refusing to get treatment for one of her pets who needed it, I couldn't sit back and smile and nod.
    Posted by jacquiroxx[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>As I said<em> if </em>she was hurting the animals which apparently she is then I'd get involved by calling animal control because clearly OP is not winning any battles on that front.  Bascially what I was saying was choose your battles.  The cat comment isn't necessary, just tell her straight up and call animal control.  I see constant posts about FMIL and to me by OP letting her bug her, she's letting her win, etc. </div><div>
    </div><div>Also, I was a pre-veterinary major in college... go Ansci!  

    </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_nwr-fmil-rant-very-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:83e968a9-e3da-41b4-9437-b71621ed30baPost:d415774e-7348-402e-ae67-059a28410d25">Re: NWR FMIL rant!! (very long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR FMIL rant!! (very long) : As I said if she was hurting the animals which apparently she is then I'd get involved by calling animal control because clearly OP is not winning any battles on that front.  Bascially what I was saying was choose your battles.  The cat comment isn't necessary, just tell her straight up and call animal control.  <strong>I see constant posts about FMIL and to me by OP letting her bug her, she's letting her win, etc. </strong> Also, I was a pre-veterinary major in college... go Ansci!  
    Posted by lbarr088[/QUOTE]

    She does bug me but she bugs everyone worse. Which is why I get the brunt of it. She stopped bugging her kids because they tell her to go away or they shut her out of their lives. I try to remain polite to her and keep my comments to myself, so she gets even more involved in my life, and I get more annoyed. Its a terrible cycle that FI tells me to break by not answering her when she calls or texts, but then she gets angry and makes drama or worse... she invites herself over.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_nwr-fmil-rant-very-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:83e968a9-e3da-41b4-9437-b71621ed30baPost:814c1532-2ffe-46d9-b0bd-984ca3914a68">Re: NWR FMIL rant!! (very long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR FMIL rant!! (very long) : She does bug me but she bugs everyone worse. Which is why I get the brunt of it. She stopped bugging her kids because they tell her to go away or they shut her out of their lives. I try to remain polite to her and keep my comments to myself, so she gets even more involved in my life, and I get more annoyed. Its a terrible cycle that FI tells me to break by not answering her when she calls or texts, but then she gets angry and makes drama or worse... she invites herself over.
    Posted by CowgirlK39[/QUOTE]

    <div>Yeah that's brutal.  I've never had to deal with anything quite THAT bad so it's hard to put myself in those shoes at times.  I think the fact that you opening yourself up to her as her kids have pushed her out is a wonderful thing.  It can't be easy for her either.  From my experience most drama llamas don't realize how bad they really are.  </div><div>
    </div><div>I think your best bet would be to establish boundaries.  When she gets more involved, explain you aren't comfortable and back off a bit on the personal stuff.  If that makes her mad, then fine.  She will just have to deal with it.  Also, establish boundaries in regards to your personal space.  The fact that she waltzes over whenever she pleases is a little disturbing.  Ask her to call beforehand, change the locks if she has a key etc., and let her know that it makes you uncomfortable.  She is an adult and she should be able to understand personal boundaries.  If she can't do yourself a favor and don't get too wrapped up in it.  It's only going to affect you.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_nwr-fmil-rant-very-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:83e968a9-e3da-41b4-9437-b71621ed30baPost:a7169670-feb7-423c-a8a8-226841e19bf1">Re: NWR FMIL rant!! (very long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR FMIL rant!! (very long) : Yeah that's brutal.  I've never had to deal with anything quite THAT bad so it's hard to put myself in those shoes at times.  I think the fact that you opening yourself up to her as her kids have pushed her out is a wonderful thing.  It can't be easy for her either.  From my experience most drama llamas don't realize how bad they really are.   I think your best bet would be to establish boundaries.  When she gets more involved, explain you aren't comfortable and back off a bit on the personal stuff.  If that makes her mad, then fine.  She will just have to deal with it.  <strong>Also, establish boundaries in regards to your personal space.  The fact that she waltzes over whenever she pleases is a little disturbing.  Ask her to call beforehand, change the locks if she has a key etc., and let her know that it makes you uncomfortable.  She is an adult and she should be able to understand personal boundaries.  If she can't do yourself a favor and don't get too wrapped up in it.  It's only going to affect you.
    </strong>Posted by lbarr088[/QUOTE]

    We have dealt with this a few times, and were forewarned by FSIL when we first got our apt that FMIL would do this. One time she busted into the place while FI was home and only in boxers. He yelled at her to ask to come over first and she said "I am your mother, I shouldn't have to ask to see my kids!" Yeah... it's that bad. While I am happy she likes me and feel she can talk to me, and I am always happy to help with their animals, she needs to do so in an appropriate manner and then also <em>take the advice I give</em>!  Like I said in the OP, she is very self-centered and thinks if she is not allowed to do something, you are being mean to her, not that she is doing something wrong. It's <em><strong>never</strong></em> her fault, in her opinion, which is why she keeps getting cats. She doesn't see that she does not have proper methods to care for so many.
  • That's the problem with advice... people rarely take it.  Clearly she isn't in the right state of mind over the issue to deal with it responsibly and like an adult so I would call animal control and leave it be.  Also, a lot of adults don't take kindly to advice from "the kids" ... yes to her you're a kid ;)  Trust me on this one, I've had experience with that!

    The house thing reminds me of a Kardashian episode.  I think the mom kept popping up in one of the kids houses and she finally realized that it wasn't respectful.  Just explicitly tell her "no" and if she takes it harshly, then she does.  Hopefully this will all settle down and she will be able to respect your boundaries.  Also, you mentioned that people are "yelling" at her whenever there is a problem... have you tried to have a nice sit down with her?  It seems like she might value a conversation with you about the whole house thing since you both seem to have an OK relationship.
  • As you know, my FMIL is crazy too, so I feel your pain.  I bite my tongue about a lot of dumb wedding/life things, but the life of an animal is totally different.  I think you need to do something.  You were totally right to tell her she didn't need another cat.  These cats are not being cared for properly and that is her fault.  Your FI would probably pitch a fit if he found out, but I would seriously consider anonymously calling animal control/the local shelter.  Some/all of them need to be removed so they can receive proper care/medication.  Are the worms they have transferable to her/FBIL?

    Dealing with a crazy FMIL is all about picking your battles.  Humor her when she suggests horrible bridesmaids dresses (don't actually pick them), but say no when she is talking about uninviting so-and-so because they don't like her new cat/sweater/whatever.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker LilySlim Weight loss tickers

    image 225 Invited so far!
    image 148 Are ready to party!
    image 77 Will be missing out!
    image 0 Are MIA!
  • I couldn't even read everyone else's posts just had to let you know I completely agree!  For one, you shouldn't spend the rest of your life in misery...if you really feel like you need to stand up to her...then do it!

    But second, going from an animal lover and advocate to a hoarder and "cat lady" type can happen overnight and become very unhealthy for the animals and owners.  I love dogs more than I do any humans to be honest but you have to understand your limits.  I would adopt every dog I know needs a home if I could but I know I can't afford more than my two for now.  Call rescue groups/animal control so it gets all handled together so the cats don't go to only the animal shelter but perhaps some rescue groups could assist
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_nwr-fmil-rant-very-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:83e968a9-e3da-41b4-9437-b71621ed30baPost:c2996ae5-b5c1-40b0-bae7-2fe50238e9c9">Re: NWR FMIL rant!! (very long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]As you know, my FMIL is crazy too, so I feel your pain.  I bite my tongue about a lot of dumb wedding/life things, but the life of an animal is totally different.  I think you need to do something.  You were totally right to tell her she didn't need another cat.  These cats are not being cared for properly and that is her fault.  Your FI would probably pitch a fit if he found out, but I would seriously consider anonymously calling animal control/the local shelter.  Some/all of them need to be removed so they can receive proper care/medication.  <strong>Are the worms they have transferable to her/FBIL?</strong> Dealing with a crazy FMIL is all about picking your battles.  <strong>Humor her when she suggests horrible bridesmaids dresses (don't actually pick them), but say no when she is talking about uninviting so-and-so because they don't like her new cat/sweater/whatever.
    </strong>Posted by SCogs18[/QUOTE]

    The worms are not tranferable unless they eat cat poop, and even then I don't really think so. Haha.

    I am a pro at smiling and nodding at her suggestions. I try to politely tell her no when some ideas are waaay off, but that doesn't sink in sometimes. If FI gets to her first he usually gets sarcastic or tells her to her face "No, mom that idea is really stupid, who would do that?" Then she cranks up the drama. But, for example, when she suggested we use this stupid dollar store halloween decoration for our wedding, I just said "ohh yeah thats cute. I'll think about it." Works like a charm.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards