Pregnant Bridesmaid (kinda long, sorry)

chiboo9

Hey ladies! Wow, it's been forever since I've been or posted on the boards. Work's been so busy that it's kept me from wedding planning, lurking, and posting. So pardon the old siggy (I honestly don't even know when I last changed it!).

Anyway, I ran across into our first possible issue in wedding planning thus far. Not really an issue, as it's more of fantastic news! I know all the girls on this board have given such great and sound advice in the past, and that's why I'm posting to get your collective thoughts.

I found out earlier this week that one of my bridesmaids is pregnant. I'm super duper excited for her as this is their first child!! We are cousins who grew up together and are basically like sisters, and couldn't imagine her not being a part of my wedding. However, the pregnancy might change things.

The question now asked by many is if she'll remain a bridesmaid. She's due September 23rd. My wedding is September 29th. I asked her if she thinks she'll still be up for being my bridesmaid come September, with barely a week old baby. She said, yes absolutely! And of course, I'd love it if she can still be my bridesmaid! 

But is that realistic thinking? With barely a week old baby, I'm thinking she most likely won't even have a routine set yet with the HUGE change in her lifestyle. I highly doubt she'll be able to get away to be a bridesmaid on the day of (get hair and makeup done, take pictures, be in the wedding, take more pictures after, etc.). I mean, it's an all day affair to be a bridesmaid. I suppose she can take breaks in between to check in on the baby (and husband!), but that would just be too much! Don't you think? I don't have any children nor have I ever been pregnant, but I can only imagine the stress! I'd hate to have to put her (and the baby and husband) through that! And what if she's overdue? She won't be able to stay on her feet for too long and will tire very easily. Again, I'd hate to have to put her through that.

So the question is, should I let her stay as a bridesmaid or not? For her own sake (and health for her and the baby), I say it's probably best not to make her a bridesmaid, even though she's very confident (for now) that she'll be up for it. I'd hate for her to have to buy a bridesmaid dress (which we're planning on shopping and ordering for this month), and end up not finding a use for it.

I don't plan on replacing her with a 'substitute' bridesmaid, so that's not even an issue at all. It's not the end of the world for me and FI if we have an uneven amount of bridesmaids/groomsmen. I guess I'm more concerned of hurting her feelings by not 'letting' her be a bridesmaid. Thoughts?

lnhassel

I think if she says she is up for it then let her stay a bridesmaid. Maybe just have a conversation with her and let her know that if for any reason (overdue, too tired etc.) and at any time during the process that she feels that being a bridesmaid would be too much for her that that is ok too. If you truely are fine with potentially having uneven sides and have no desire to replace her then I say go for it and hope for the best.

Sarah&Eric2012

I think you should leave it up to her.  If she wants to do it then she should be included.  If she's not up for it then no big deal.  Even if it ends up closer to the big day and she decides she just can't handle it then no pressure for her.  You said you don't mind having an uneven number of people so if she drops out 2 weeks before then no biggie, right?  I think you should have a completely honest and up front conversation and let her know all of your reservations and let her make the final decision.  That's what I would do.

lbarr088

Let her stay a BM... she's pregnant, she doesn't have the plague.  Being a BM will not affect her health or the health of her child.  It would definitely "hurt her feelings" if you made the decision for her by not allowing her to be in your WP anymore.  Since you said that you wouldn't be replacing her it doesn't really matter either way (if she shows up or not).  Ultimately it is her decision, and  I'd leave it at that.  

romamor4

One thing that I think your cousin isn't even considering is what it's like to be pregnant and/or have a newborn. I think your cousin has really good intentions, but seeing as her due date is a week before your wedding, I think she won't be able to attend your wedding at all. Ofcourse I could be wrong. But most mothers with newborns do not leave the house for about a month after birth. The baby just isn't ready to be exposed to the world and it's germs, etc. Not only that, you bleed a LOT after birth and you're very weak. You're told not to stand or do a lot of activity or else you will bleed more. If you get a C-section, then forget moving around much at all for about a month after giving birth.  Also, I have never known a mother who could be without their child for a moment that soon after birth. 

Now, that is if she's already given birth. If she hasn't, she will probably have to go in to be induced by September 29th. Usually doctors don't like to let you go more than a week before they induce birth. I myself gave birth the day before I was asked to go in for an induction, which was one week after my due date. 

Now it could always happen that the baby arrives really early. If this is the case, then it is possible she will be able to be there as a bridesmaid. I'm not saying all this to discourage you, I just think you should be ready for these things, even if she is not. I think the pregnancy is too early right now to tell how her labor and delivery will go. I'm sure she's wrapped up in the excitement of having a child and it's quite possible she hasn't realistically looked at it either. I don't know. I am in no means telling you she shouldn't be in your wedding. If she is willing and wants it and you want it, then think for the best. Just make sure you prepare youserlf for her to not be able to stand up with you. 

I wish you good luck though! It's wonderful that you're so happy for her!! 

adktd2boots

Keep her in your wedding party, and even if that day she decides it's too much, then it's ok.  And I don't think it needs to be an all day affair.  If she decides to do her hair and makeup at home, that's fine.  Maybe you can make a point to do all your photos before and not split them up, just so you can make it easier on her. 

What style of BM dress are you going for?  If you go the "choose your own" route, maybe she'll be more likely to find a use for it if she can't be a BM after all. 

mamameech

As much as i'd love to say yay she still wants to be a bm, I've had a child and that's a REALLY tight time frame. She will most likely not have the baby "on time" and could very well delivery on your wedding date. She could also have the baby early, which would allow her more time to get settled but sometimes too early means complications. She may also not be considering how much her body will be going through at that time. She'll be leaking and oozing and be so flippin tired... it's fun I swear! lolI guess as long as you're both very flexible with her involvement, it's ok; just don't set any expectations either way. She will be consumed with this wonderful experience and I wouldn't want you to be disappointed that she isn't that "into" your wedding or her to feel pressured to put her focus on someone other than her new baby at that time.

agladhill

Yay for new babies!!  I agree with most of what PPs have said.  Let it be her decision.  She may very well feel up to it.  Due dates are sort of pointless, because they can be changed at any point and only about 5% of babies are born on their actual due date.  Since it is so early in her pregnancy and she hasn't had her ultrasounds yet, her due date may be altered one way or the other.  Unless she is a really uptight new mom or on bed rest, I'm sure she will be able to participate in one way or another, i.e. if she is still pregant, she may need to sit instead of stand for the ceremony or if she has already had her baby, she may need to keep the baby with her while getting ready and may have to leave the reception early.  If you are willing to be flexible and are just happy to have her involved in some capacity, then just let her decide what she is up to.  I was only down and out a few days when I had my daughter.  I can't stand sitting around the house, so I was out running errands and shopping with my 4 day old daughter...LOL! 

BMcLeodTeam

I agree with the others. I think as long as you're willing to be flexible with her (and it sounds like you are) then let her choose. If its too much she'll know that (although she may not know until really close to the wedding).

I also agree with letting her pick her dress, that way she can get something that she might be able to wear again if she can't make it, and also something with some give weight wise, because she's not going to instantly lose all the weight from being pregnant

abcollins08

I agree with the others, let her make the decision.  But, let her know that its ok for her to change her mind at any time.

NO2012

"I guess as long as you're both very flexible with her involvement, it's ok; just don't set any expectations either way. She will be consumed with this wonderful experience and I wouldn't want you to be disappointed that she isn't that "into" your wedding or her to feel pressured to put her focus on someone other than her new baby at that time."

This. 

kirab2

 I totally agree with what Roma says... 

I also have had a child... unfortunately by c section and I wasnt able to do much for the first two weeks... wasnt supposed to be on my feet, climb stairs... and newborn babies dont sleep... so even if she does attempt it.. she will be exhausted. 

Maybe you could suggest she mention it to her doctor and see what his or her opinion of it is... she may need to hear the reality of it from someone other than you.  When I was prego I was thinking my maternity leave was gonna be great, I was gonna be able to lay outside and get tan and go on day trips... YEAH RIGHT. You have no idea what it is like until you do it. And... if she breastfeeds.. a baby that young needs to eat every two hours. 

Like PPs said, you need to be totally prepared for the idea that she most likely will not be in your wedding and may not even be able to attend.  I wasnt able to attend my BEST friends bridal shower 3 weeks after I had my daughter. But let the decision be hers.

SCogs18

[QUOTE]So the question is, should I let her stay as a bridesmaid or not?
Posted by chiboo9[/QUOTE]

Ummm, she already IS a bridesmaid right? If you've already asked her to be in your bridal party it is incredibly rude to "demote" her because she may have a small baby at home.  I don't think you have the right attitude by saying should I "let" her stay as a bridesmaid.  She is doing YOU a favor by being in your bridal party, not the other way around.

She is a big girl and if she thinks she can be a bridesmaid and a new mom, then let her.  If plans change, what difference does it make since you won't be replacing her (which is the right choice)?

chiboo9

Thanks for all the input, ladies!! Especially to the mama's! I appreciate it! It's definitely such an exciting time with a baby on the way. Yayyy!! We're getting together to discuss, and make sure that whatever she decides on will be a-ok with me.