Don't know how to feel right now :-/

volleygurl0306

...we were supposed to get married this Saturday.  FI had planned it out perfectly.  I told him when we were dating I need a year to plan a wedding.  He proposed on St. Patrick's Day last year because he wanted our wedding date to be 3/17 (3 is my fav number and 17 is his) and this year it falls on a Saturday so he gave me exactly one year to plan a wedding like I had asked.  We booked a venue.  Booked a photographer.

Then life happened...the practical side of why I am now a September bride is that in May 2011 he moved from FL to VA and I followed in July. Then in October he moved BACK to FL and I followed in November.  The move back wasn't planned so we took everything with us.  The two moves in a few months were super expensive and in VA we were hardly able to save any money so we just couldn't fathom being able to afford our wedding in March.  We could have taken out loans or asked for some family help but there was the other problem....

From the time FI moved to about mid September our relationship went to hell and back.  It is a super long story but FI did some things continuously to make me feel like I wasn't a priority and feel unloved and break my trust.  He didn't cheat but he made some bad choices.  I didn't wear my ring for about 2 months because I wasn't sure if I wanted to marry him or if he could be what I needed in a husband or if I could trust him again.  Obviously we worked it out and we learned a lot about ourselves and our relationship.  We are much stronger now and while thinking about that time will never not hurt me, I am not angry about it or mad at FI about it anymore.  He has had more trouble getting over it than I have because he has so much guilt.  But, all this made me want to postpone the wedding because I didn’t want to rush the healing process.  Our venue and photographer both were able to schedule our new date and apply our deposits and keep our original pricing.  Right now though Saturday feels like this blemish.

I know that giving ourselves more time was the best thing to do for the future of our relationship.  But, I just started getting really weepy over the approaching date.  I visit FI this weekend so it is good we will be together.  I don’t want to tell FI I’m crying over this or cry in front of him because he’s so hard on himself about it still.  As recent as last week he called me all upset because he had had a nightmare that it was the summer again and he was doing things to hurt me and on the phone he just kept apologizing and saying how he should have been better to me.  I don’t want him to think I’m mad again (I’m not…I’m just an overly-emotional, overly-sentimental person).  So I just wanted to put this down somewhere because I need to get my emotions straight before seeing him tomorrow.  And, of course one of the blessings of postponing is having “met” you ladies.  I can’t imagine my wedding planning without this board!  I know it is all for the better and we will have a better marriage for knowing that this is not something either of us is willing to jump ship at the first sign of trouble, but it’s just a weird feeling I guess. 

mamameech

I think it's only fair that this would bring up some unsettled emotions so don't be so hard on yourself. I also think FI should be understanding and you should not have to hide your feelings about this. I hope you can enjoy your visit with each other and not dwell on it, but bringing it up and getting it out will prob let you enjoy your time with him even more.
**BIG BIG hugs!!**

morenachica110

I'm so sorry that you went (and are still emotional) and about all that has happened. My FI and I actually went through a short seperation two years ago this September (ironic, no?) It was crazy and no one was expecting it and, actually, it was my doing. We worked it out, figured out what was really the problem, and now we're stroner than ever. We weren't officially engaged then but had alwasy planned to get married.

For the longest time I'd think back about how much of an idiot I was and how we were so hurt seemingly for nothing. But that was wrong, too. It was actually good that it happened (though it didn't feel like it at the time). We learned SO much about ourselves and each other and our relationship is SO so so much stronger than it was a year and a half ago.

I'm sure it bothers you that the wedding would be coming up soon if it hadn't been for all that happened, but think about this... when your anniversaries come up in the future, you'll smile knowing that it was so much better to have a September wedding and be ready then to have a March wedding and have doubts.

*hugs*

BMcLeodTeam

Its definitely fair to be emotional about this Saturday, but in the grand scheme of things I'm so happy that you were both able to work it out and do what's best for you and your relationship You deserve that!

nicknuttnc

I know that we all have to go through things in our relationship. I am so sorry you had to go through something like that in your relationship. At least you came out and made it yall stronger. You are okay to miss something you was looking very forward to. Things have a way of going full circle and yall had your bumps and now you and your FI is on a road together for great happiness. 

volleygurl0306

Thanks ladies!  I appreciate you supporting my vent!  I do know it was for the better.  That all was actually our first real fight and I feel like that's something you gotta learn to do (and earlier is better than later) because it's bound to happen. 
I was hoping the weather would be miserable in VA on Saturday to make me feel like if for no other reason than that it was a good move (even though everything is inside with the hope of pictures outside)....of course it's going to be 75 and sunny haha. 

I'm just going to get drunk with FI on Saturday (we always have let St. Paddys be our crazy holiday to celebrate) and maybe we'll honor the day by pretending it's our wedding night at least hahaha  it's been two weeks since we've seen each other so we are just walking hormones right now and practice makes perfect right?

jessa1228

You have every right to feel the way you do about Saturday. But everything happens for a reason, and I'm sure you know deep inside that everything has worked out for the better. I'm glad you and your FI will be together this weekend, so you can help keep each other strong.