September 2012 Weddings

Debating an invite....

For those of you who don't know some of my extended family openly rejects my relationship with FI.  Mainly my grandparents and their daughter have been openly offensive and I no longer speak with them.  All three of them and my aunt's husband have also been horrible to my mom.  None of those four are invited to the wedding.  My aunt has 3 kids though...21, 19, and 8.  We aren't having kids at the wedding and since his parents aren't invited the 8 year old was not going to get invited from a while ago.  The 21 year old is a typical college boy and hasn't gotten involved in the drama.  We aren't close but if I text him happy birthday he responds.  Or, my grandfather accused me in therapy of "hating my cousins" so when I called my cousins individually to discuss with them, he was responsive and said he knew I didn't feel that way and the drama was unrelated to our relationship.

The 19 year old is the gray area though.  She didn't respond to my attempt to discuss the "hate" comment with her as well as other attempts to contact her.  Last year she graduated high school and I was the only family member not invited to her party because she didn't like how I treated her mom and grandma (she is the favorite grandchild and her mom the favorite child so the 3 of them are up each other's a$$es all the time).  My dad confronted her about it and asked if she knew all the horrible things that had been said to me and that she should talk to me.  She knew everything but didn't change her mind, never talked to me about it.  Saw her briefly over Christmas when she was at my parents house.  She acted all fake like we were best friends and I really just said "hi how are you" and went about my business because I'm not fake and know she has problems with me.  Fast forward to today, I haven't spoken to my grandparents in over a year.  Next month is my grandmother's 75th birthday.  The 19 year old wanted to organize a lunch for all the grandchildren to go to with our grandmother for her birthday.  She sent us all a facebook message.  I responded and simply said "Due to what happened between us, I will not be attending.  Thank you for thinking of me though"  I tried not to be inflammatory or drag in the drama and addressed her actually inviting me (there are a few things I haven't been invited to).  I thought that would be it.  Then a few weeks later she follows up with a text saying "You are still welcome if you want."  I was so irritated!  Does she really not get it?!

Now idk whether or not to invite her to the wedding.  I don't expect her to turn her back on her mother but she has no understanding of what went on or concern for me at all.  I'm stuck between she's only 19 and she's 19, away at college and old enough to not be okay with racism.  It would basically end our relationship if I didn't but we don't really have one and won't ever because of her mom and grandma.  She plays soccer in college and Sept is soccer season so I don't see her coming but idk if I should just take a stand and not invite her to stop her fake bull crap or to invite her and just let it be.

Re: Debating an invite....

  • I feel your pain so much on this.  I decided not to invite my grown nieces/nephews.  The are all old enough to know what their parents said/did, and either actively participated or didn't say anything (they are between 16 and 27 yrs old).    I realize that it's hard to say something about your own mom or grandparents, but if you don't say something, you are co-signing that behavior.  And, at one point, my 19 year old niece told me "if you would just apologize to my mom, we could all just get over this"  She went on to say that she knows its her mom's fault, but that her mom is stubborn and I just need to get over it.  Um. NO !!

    So... as much as I love my nieces and nephews, I do not want the negative energy that the drama created at my wedding.  Even though they aren't the original cause of the negativity, their presence after not seeing them for 2 years would just cause me internal emotional drama that I don't want or need.  I don't need the fake "ohhh, you look so pretty... congrats!", etc.   I refuse to particpate in any relationships with people who don't actively support me and my life choices. 

    I know its hard to cut off the family members... but, don't feel bad if that's what you decide to do.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_debating-an-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:a79a1ae5-665e-43d6-aad2-cda8a06227e7Post:9432f50f-7eb9-4076-9bad-186a40503f0e">Re: Debating an invite....</a>:
    [QUOTE]I feel your pain so much on this.  I decided not to invite my grown nieces/nephews.  The are all old enough to know what their parents said/did, and either actively participated or didn't say anything (they are between 16 and 27 yrs old).    I realize that it's hard to say something about your own mom or grandparents, but if you don't say something, you are co-signing that behavior.  And, at one point, my 19 year old niece told me<strong> "if you would just apologize to my mom, we could all just get over this"</strong>  She went on to say that she knows its her mom's fault, but that her mom is stubborn and I just need to get over it.  Um. NO !! So... as much as I love my nieces and nephews, I do not want the negative energy that the drama created at my wedding.  Even though they aren't the original cause of the negativity, their presence after not seeing them for 2 years would just cause me internal emotional drama that I don't want or need.  <strong>I don't need the fake "ohhh, you look so pretty... congrats!", etc.</strong>   I refuse to particpate in any relationships with people who don't actively support me and my life choices.  I know its hard to cut off the family members... but, don't feel bad if that's what you decide to do.
    Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

    Thanks for understanding EXACTLY how I feel.  Even my other cousin (she is 150% supportive, doesn't speak to those people and one of my BM) said "she is dumb to think her cute little fb message can fix the family" and I feel like that's what goes through her head.  Or, that we can just bury it and should put it behind us...not gona happen!

    And if she were there she'd be fake (and probably funnel enough information to her mom for me to get judged by someone who wasnt there).  And even if not, because we are doing online RSVPs she'd have our website password which I'm sure would end up in my aunts/grandmas hands and I don't want them seeing anything about our wedding.  If you don't support it, you don't get to know about it.  I'm really leaning towards no and guess I have some time to decide (only time I'd probably see her is my brothers wedding which is 2 days before I send out invites).  It feels weird to do because there hasn't been direct beef between the cousins yet but it is inevitable and I really just want my wedding to be shared with people who are supportive all the way.
  • I wouldn't invite her. I would just avoid the drama, but I am an asshole. So, there is that.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_debating-an-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:a79a1ae5-665e-43d6-aad2-cda8a06227e7Post:9ceb30eb-fdbc-4967-aeec-884d8e79a3ec">Re: Debating an invite....</a>:
    [QUOTE]I wouldn't invite her. I would just avoid the drama, but I am an asshole. So, there is that.
    Posted by sparent2010[/QUOTE]

    LOLOL  I friggin love you !
  • I wouldn't invite her either.
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  • I wouldn't invite her. Its not like you have any type of relationship with her up to this point.
  • Thanks ladies!  I feel like I've turned into this monster who cuts people out at the drop of the hat (though it has really just been my grandparents and aunt who are horrible) so I feel weird at first.  But we have no relationship and it would make drama or make me nervous for drama on my day.  I appreciate your support!
  • I am not inviting a single person from my fathers side of the family, due to similar mistreatment and childish drama. When my grandmother was alive, she insisted she be home instead of a nursing home, and fired every aide we sent in to help her. So my parents had to go in 2-3 times a day to help her and wash her. My aunt, uncle, and cousins all said this was just my parents trying to get money from her, and called us all names. In my opinion, any disrespect of my parents and immediate family most definitely means you are NOT being invited to my wedding.

    There is no reason you should feel obligated to invite someone who is not happy for you, for whatever her reason is. She would probably even decline, but why waste the money on an invite? Save yourself the stress and don't bother with her.
  • jjswinjjswin member
    100 Comments

    I would not invite her, but then again i'm a b**ch and have no problem cutting people. Sounds like if she did go she would be a spy for the family not invited and i'm in agreement with you that you don't want people not there knowing what goes on, it's an honor to be invited and take part of a wedding.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_debating-an-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:a79a1ae5-665e-43d6-aad2-cda8a06227e7Post:897c15a0-236f-4dc7-a738-0ba4f449baa6">Re: Debating an invite....</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Debating an invite.... : LOLOL  I friggin love you !
    Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

    Lol The feeling is mutual <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />
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