September 2012 Weddings

Overreacting?

I had a great bridal shower and bachelorette this weekend but am pretty annoyed with one of my BMs.  She confirmed she was coming to both even though all my BM knew it was not something I was "demanding" or even expecting by any means (two of my out of town BM couldn't come at all which I was completely understanding of).  Well, this BM showed up two hours late to my shower (a 3 hour shower)!  She sent me a text an hour and a half after it started saying she was running late (duh!), not that I was around my phone since I had guests.  Her brother flew in wiht his wife that day and their flight was late.  I get it to an extent but they live pretty close to the airport so couldn't you just have asked them to take a cab since you have a commitment?  But, I let that go until she then left early because her brother left his wife alone to go hang out with his friends so my BM had to go entertain her.  Uhh your brother needs to figure it out.  So she was there less than an hour. 

Then for my bachelorette her, one of my other BM ,and two other friends came together.  They were an hour and a half late though!  Not sure whose fault it was but I know my MOH was pissed because it pushed back our appointment with the stripper back by an hour.  I don't know for sure but I'm hoping that there wasn't any sort of fee with that.  So even if I let that go, then we went out dancing.  The same BM literally sat in a corner and pouted the whole time we were dancing.  I know as a friend I could have/should have checked in with her, but it was kinda my one night to be with all my girlfriends (I had 4 people from out of town) to have fun and wasn't really feeling any patience for people who were trying to ruin the night.  If you weren't up for it, just tell me something came up and you couldn't make it.  So around 12:30 (which is only 2 hours from when they showed up) my one friend says they have to go soon because that BM is their ride and she needs to go.  Mind you, she's not the one who tells me this, our friend breaks the news that all 4 of them have to leave now.  Also my friend nor the BM explained why.  When the BM finally came to say bye right as they were leaving she didn't apologize or explain or anything. 

To make it all worse I found out the next day something that made me even more pissed off.  I had 3 friends who I lived with when I spent a semester abroad.  They all amazingly flew in to spend this special weekend with me.  They had each other fortunately but were kinda the outsiders (at first) since all my other friends have crossed paths at some point (most were from high school , some from middle school, and then my cousin and her brother's gf).  Well my abroad friends blended beautifully with all my others.  Everyone accepted them and everyone danced with everyone like we all knew each other for years.  But, the BM was rude to them!!!  They introduced themselves and tried to get her to dance and I don't know exactly what was said but she basically just turned away from them.  I don't care what's going on or how grumpy you are being, don't be nasty to my other friends though.  I feel like you should just suck it up for the 2 hours you actually came and pretend to have a good time or just don't come.  You aren't being supportive or celebrating if you are being a brat.

I know I should probably ask what was up but I had already started to regret asking her to be one of my BM before this weekend because she's said some mean things to me and just hasn't been a good friend.  Her and I are in difference places and I'm kinda sick of her bullshit (for the past 6 months she's always the Debbie Downer and whines about everything even though most of it is in her control).  I really just want to go tell her off.  Am I overreacting to this weekend or would you be pissed too?

Re: Overreacting?

  • I would be annoyed, but I would let it go. I would apologize to the friends she offended.

    If she is still acting like this in a couple of weeks, maybe ask whats up. If you keep pressing the issue just be sure you are done with being her friend forever.

    I'd clear your head before you decide that. Ending a friendship is a big deal.
  • I have zero pateince for that crap (but as my other thread says, i have zero patience at all these days). As you said, come here, have fun, lighten up, or DON'T COME AT ALL. By no means should you have sat with her and kissed her butt asking what was wrong. Very juvenile of her.

    I would let it go for now, but I think we are all learning that weddings really bring out a lot of true colors in people. When people are expected to do something for someone and they do not necessarily have all the say in it, it becomes very evident what type of person they are based on how they handle it. I would let it go for the moment, then after all the wedding stuff is over, hang out with her again. If you find that she keeps acting like a 14 year old, then maybe its time to distance yourself. I did this once with a "friend" who I hung out with because she had no one else in her life. But time after time I would be out with her and ask "Why the hell did I do this?" Finally I started saying NO, because I knew what was going to happen. Maybe you will find out that you two are headed that direction.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_overreacting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:ab641f28-92a9-4525-b2cc-4e314b7ae238Post:b2c68c67-2c8e-49c8-806b-fe0c462b5bbb">Re: Overreacting?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would be annoyed, but I would let it go. I would apologize to the friends she offended. If she is still acting like this in a couple of weeks, maybe ask whats up. If you keep pressing the issue just be sure you are done with being her friend forever. I'd clear your head before you decide that. Ending a friendship is a big deal.
    Posted by AshnRobo[/QUOTE]

    Yea it is a big deal.  Part of why I've been regretting it is we've only talked once since February before this weekend.  In February she said two really nasty things.  The first she "joked" that if her f*ck buddy's sister was getting married the same day as me she would drop out of my wedding to go to that (mind you he never said she was even invited).  Not a funny joke.  Then 10 minutes later I offered for her to borrow some clothes for an interview and she said she wasn't fat enough to fit into my size 6 pants!  I've worked really hard to not fit in them either but since when is a 6 fat?  And when is it appropriate regardless of what size to say that to someone?

    I didn't go off on her for that and left it be but there was a lot of hurt there.  I put it aside in May and texted her on her bday.  We texted back and forth for a little but I just felt like she was a stranger.  Everything she told me about was so negative and if I said something she tried to one up me.  So I just put it aside and thought maybe having fun together this weekend would help my bitterness towards her.  Now it is obviously worse and I feel even more hurt and down right angry now.  I feel like she just has an attitude that makes her think it is okay to sh!t on other people and that's unacceptable to me.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_overreacting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:ab641f28-92a9-4525-b2cc-4e314b7ae238Post:132f1190-8afa-4b8d-94f2-2b38dc2eefb9">Overreacting?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I had a great bridal shower and bachelorette this weekend but am pretty annoyed with one of my BMs.  She confirmed she was coming to both even though all my BM knew it was not something I was "demanding" or even expecting by any means (two of my out of town BM couldn't come at all which I was completely understanding of).  Well, this BM showed up two hours late to my shower (a 3 hour shower)!  She sent me a text an hour and a half after it started saying she was running late (duh!), not that I was around my phone since I had guests.  <strong>Her brother flew in wiht his wife that day and their flight was late.  I get it to an extent but they live pretty close to the airport so couldn't you just have asked them to take a cab since you have a commitment?  But, I let that go until she then left early because her brother left his wife alone to go hang out with his friends so my BM had to go entertain her.  </strong>Uhh your brother needs to figure it out.  So she was there less than an hour.  Then for my bachelorette her, one of my other BM ,and two other friends came together.  They were an hour and a half late though!  Not sure whose fault it was but I know my MOH was pissed because it pushed back our appointment with the stripper back by an hour.  I don't know for sure but I'm hoping that there wasn't any sort of fee with that.  So even if I let that go, then we went out dancing.  <strong>The same BM literally sat in a corner and pouted the whole time we were dancing.</strong>  I know as a friend I could have/should have checked in with her, but it was kinda my one night to be with all my girlfriends (I had 4 people from out of town) to have fun and <strong>wasn't really feeling any patience for people who were trying to ruin the night</strong>.  <strong>If you weren't up for it, just tell me something came up and you couldn't make it.  So around 12:30 (which is only 2 hours from when they showed up) my one friend says they have to go soon because that BM is their ride and she needs to go.  </strong>Mind you, she's not the one who tells me this, our friend breaks the news that all 4 of them have to leave now.  Also my friend nor the BM explained why.  When the BM finally came to say bye right as they were leaving she didn't apologize or explain or anything.  To make it all worse I found out the next day something that made me even more pissed off.  I had 3 friends who I lived with when I spent a semester abroad.  They all amazingly flew in to spend this special weekend with me.  They had each other fortunately but were kinda the outsiders (at first) since all my other friends have crossed paths at some point (most were from high school , some from middle school, and then my cousin and her brother's gf).  Well my abroad friends blended beautifully with all my others.  Everyone accepted them and everyone danced with everyone like we all knew each other for years.  But, the BM was rude to them!!!  <strong>They introduced themselves and tried to get her to dance and I don't know exactly what was said but she basically just turned away from them.  I don't care what's going on or how grumpy you are being, don't be nasty to my other friends though.  I</strong> feel like you should just suck it up for the 2 hours you actually came and pretend to have a good time or just don't come.  <strong>You aren't being supportive or celebrating if you are being a brat.</strong> I know I should probably ask what was up but I had already started to regret asking her to be one of my BM before this weekend because she's said some mean things to me and just hasn't been a good friend.  Her and I are in difference places and I'm kinda sick of her bullshit (for the past 6 months she's always the Debbie Downer and whines about everything even though most of it is in her control).  I really just want to go tell her off.  Am I overreacting to this weekend or would you be pissed too?
    Posted by volleygurl0306[/QUOTE]

    1)  Your BM did have a commitment - to pick up her brother and his wife at the airport.  And these are guest who are in town.  The world does not stop because it's your bachelorette or shower or whatever - family often comes first.  Get over it.

    2) How do you know why the BM was pouting?  You didn't check with her.  Maybe she wasn't feeling well, and that's why she left.  Maybe she sucked it up and came since those other 3 people were counting on her as a ride and she didn't want to let you down.  Maybe that's why she didn't want to dance.  Did any of that occur to you?  Did your friend's well-being and happiness matter?  She clearly wasn't having fun.  Did she ask you to stop dancing?  No, so let her do what's good for her without judgement.

    3) You don't know what happened between your BM and your out-of-town friends.  You know what one side told you happened - that's a game of telephone.  And honestly, it's none of your concern.  They're grown adults and can manage their own interactions.  If they don't like each other, fine.  You don't know the BM was rude - personally, I think it's pretty rude when people try to convince me over and over to dance when I don't feel like it. 

    4) The way you treat her, I wouldn't be 'supportive' of you because you're not being a friend to her.  Stop thinking like "the bride" and go back to just being a friend - I don't think you've been very considerate to this girl this week.  If I were a bridesmaid in this situation, I would have turned over my dress and unfriended the bride on Facebook. 

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_overreacting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:ab641f28-92a9-4525-b2cc-4e314b7ae238Post:6037b972-ff9f-4257-8426-09ecf291ee2a">Re: Overreacting?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Overreacting? : 1)  Your BM did have a commitment - to pick up her brother and his wife at the airport.  And these are guest who are in town.  The world does not stop because it's your bachelorette or shower or whatever - family often comes first.  Get over it. 2) How do you know why the BM was pouting?  You didn't check with her.  Maybe she wasn't feeling well, and that's why she left.  Maybe she sucked it up and came since those other 3 people were counting on her as a ride and she didn't want to let you down.  Maybe that's why she didn't want to dance.  Did any of that occur to you?  Did your friend's well-being and happiness matter?  She clearly wasn't having fun.  Did she ask you to stop dancing?  No, so let her do what's good for her without judgement. 3) You don't know what happened between your BM and your out-of-town friends.  You know what one side told you happened - that's a game of telephone.  And honestly, it's none of your concern.  They're grown adults and can manage their own interactions.  If they don't like each other, fine.  You don't know the BM was rude - personally, I think it's pretty rude when people try to convince me over and over to dance when I don't feel like it.  4) The way you treat her, I wouldn't be 'supportive' of you because you're not being a friend to her.  Stop thinking like "the bride" and go back to just being a friend - I don't think you've been very considerate to this girl this week.  If I were a bridesmaid in this situation, I would have turned over my dress and unfriended the bride on Facebook. 
    Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

    She was feeling fine, I checked.  Four people telling me separately she was unfriendly doesn't sound like a one sided story.  No one harrassed her to dance, people just tried to include her.  And maybe you didn't read about how she has said nasty things to me in the past.  I'm not thinking about being a bride...I'm thinking about how my friend said rude things to me and then didn't hang out with me.  Also, how is it not my concern if one of my friends is rude to another?  Especially when one of those people is my cousin and another bridesmaid that she is going to have to interact with.  Who doesn't want their friends to get along or at least be respectful of each other. 

    I use these boards to reflect on my thoughts, get some perspective, and CONSTRUCTIVE criticism not to be harshly judged so I'd appreciate if you'd tone it down if you don't see the whole story.  There are other ways to introduce a different opinion than saying I'm such a sh!tty friend she should bail on my wedding.  That's not really how the dynamic on this board is.
  • CowgirlK39CowgirlK39 member
    500 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its
    edited July 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_overreacting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:ab641f28-92a9-4525-b2cc-4e314b7ae238Post:6037b972-ff9f-4257-8426-09ecf291ee2a">Re: Overreacting?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Overreacting? : 1)  Your BM did have a commitment - to pick up her brother and his wife at the airport.  And these are guest who are in town.  The world does not stop because it's your bachelorette or shower or whatever - family often comes first.  Get over it. 2) How do you know why the BM was pouting?  You didn't check with her.  Maybe she wasn't feeling well, and that's why she left.  Maybe she sucked it up and came since those other 3 people were counting on her as a ride and she didn't want to let you down.  Maybe that's why she didn't want to dance.  Did any of that occur to you?  Did your friend's well-being and happiness matter?  She clearly wasn't having fun.  Did she ask you to stop dancing?  No, so let her do what's good for her without judgement. 3) You don't know what happened between your BM and your out-of-town friends.  You know what one side told you happened - that's a game of telephone.  And honestly, it's none of your concern.  They're grown adults and can manage their own interactions.  If they don't like each other, fine.  You don't know the BM was rude - personally, I think it's pretty rude when people try to convince me over and over to dance when I don't feel like it.  4) The way you treat her, I wouldn't be 'supportive' of you because you're not being a friend to her.  Stop thinking like "the bride" and go back to just being a friend - I don't think you've been very considerate to this girl this week.  If I were a bridesmaid in this situation, I would have turned over my dress and unfriended the bride on Facebook. 
    Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

    I half-agree with #1.... Yeah she was committed to picking her family members up. I'd let the being late thing go. I don't think she should have had to leave early to entertain the SIL though. That was crappy of her husband to let her sit there.

    However, by no means do I think OP should have spent her whole B-party consoling her friend. I would have asked if she was ok, though, but not let it ruin my night. If I was that BM, I would have let the bride know I wasn't feeling too hot if that was the case so that I didn't seem like a jerk. I don't really see what Kathryn did wrong here. Is it wrong for her to ever enjoy herself because she constantly has to be worrying about what each and every BM thinks? So just because one girl was being a brat meant that she was supposed to stop having fun and kiss her butt until she was happy? After making the past rude comments, I would have let her sit there and sulk too.

    Kathryn, I think you should just get thru the wedding with this chick. Everyone says that brides need to be friendly and kind to all their BMs because they are friends after all, but I really think people need to see it the other way too. If she valued your friendship, she would have behaved a little better. But the rude previous comments pretty much indicate that's not true though.
  • No, I don't think she necessarily should have stopped her fun to check on the BM.  But not to be mad at her for "trying to ruin the night".  One girl not wanting to dance isn't someone trying to sabotage your good time.  Just ignore her and keep having fun, and check with her later (even the next day) and be like, "Hey, I noticed you weren't dancing, were you okay?"

    I didn't see where she had said nasty things to you until after I posted.  And I think even that wasn't the biggest deal - if the guy she's seeing (however casually) had an immedate family member getting married, then that's her choice to go or not go.  Who are you to judge her relationship?  I wouldn't exactly say that's 'not a funny joke'.  Whatever, move on.  So not a big deal.

    The size thing was petty and not very nice.  Honestly, though, I think you're probably both just annoyed with each other at this point and not being very good friends. 

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  • edited July 2012
    I don't think you're terribly overreacting. I had a similar situation at my bachelorette party. Me and all 4 of my bridesmaids (3 out of town, MOH in town) hung out all day long and I guess that wore everybody out. They were all mandating that I wear a tiara, veil and sash (sash was ok but really didn't want to wear the other stuff) and then crapped out on me when we got to the bar. WTF? Really? I know you're tired, I am too but get your act together, this is my ONE and only bachelorette party that YOU people planned.

    So unless I'm totally overreacting too, I totally get where you're coming from. Not all of my BMs really know each other either, and they did their best to get along but when one is asking you personal questions about your sex life over dinner in front of everyone else, who doesn't really want to know, things get awkward. I was seriously disappointed when a few of them pouted in the corner while at the bar too. Bless her soul, my BM who can't drink because of meds and has serious migraines almost 24/7 stayed out on the very loud dance floor with me the whole time. I guess you kinda find out who your friends are, right? :)

    Anyway, you're not alone. The best route to go is probably to take the high road and ignore it lest you want to stir up more drama between now and the big day. That's probably the last thing you want going on though so I say just smile and move on unless the behavior continues to a point where you're better off without your BM.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_overreacting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:ab641f28-92a9-4525-b2cc-4e314b7ae238Post:4df88155-6f01-437e-8f10-7dc41fb69cd4">Re: Overreacting?</a>:
    [QUOTE]No, I don't think she necessarily should have stopped her fun to check on the BM.  But not to be mad at her for "trying to ruin the night".  One girl not wanting to dance isn't someone trying to sabotage your good time.  Just ignore her and keep having fun, and check with her later (even the next day) and be like, "Hey, I noticed you weren't dancing, were you okay?" I didn't see where she had said nasty things to you until after I posted.  And I think even that wasn't the biggest deal - if the guy she's seeing (however casually) had an immedate family member getting married, then that's her choice to go or not go.  Who are you to judge her relationship?  I wouldn't exactly say that's 'not a funny joke'.  Whatever, move on.  So not a big deal. The size thing was petty and not very nice.  Honestly, though, I think you're probably both just annoyed with each other at this point and not being very good friends. 
    Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>It's hard to know if someone was or was not seemingly attempting to "ruin the night" unless you were there. Personally, I have a friend-by-default (a friend's wife) who ALWAYS does this. If she's in a bad mood, everyone has to know it, and honestly, having a Debbie Downer really can affect the group and if nothing else it is very annoying/distracting. Seriously, she should have been able to get her sh*t together and suck it up for ONE night. I'm not trying to be a 'zilla here, but really...it's one night, how hard is it to at least fit in and pretend like you're having an okay time and get along with everyone? </div><div>
    </div><div>Also, Calindi, you're right...it is her choice to decide if she would or would not want to go to the other wedding. However, when you've already committed to be a BM in a wedding for a friend, I would say that's pretty crappy. I don't think you're seeing the big picture here.</div><div>
    </div><div>Overall, OP, I wouldn't say that you're overreacting. You're just reacting to a chain of negative events, which is completely understandable. My suggestion would be to go ahead and check in with her and try to find out what is or was going on with her. Maybe she has a really valid excuse for acting the way she did. Either way, maybe that will at least help to clear the air. At this point, I think your best bet is to reconcile with her and make nice for now. Maybe once all of the stress of planning is over, your relationship with her will be easier (especially since you won't be "hogging" all of the attention anymore - at least that may be how she sees it). If not, maybe you'll realize that you have grown apart and will go your separate ways, only time will tell.

    </div>
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