Guest List..

lv0408307

My FI and I are getting married late September and are getting ready to send out STD. The thing is, his dad is the youngest of 15 children, meaning his cousins range from 30-50 years old, and then you have to include their children who we are closer to, due to our age. Our guest list is close to 200-225 people. I am having a bit of a panic attack. I'm not too sure what to do. I would like to narrow it down to just close family, but I know that I would have to include my aunts and uncles (my father passed away 3 years ago and they have to be there to represent my father). It's not fair for me to have my aunts and uncles and not allow him to have his. I'm lost, please help!!

volleygurl0306

We are in a similar situation.  I always mess up the exact number but BOTH of FI's parents are one of a number of kids somewhere in the teens (think its 14 for his dad and 16 for his mom).  Not all of their siblings are living but his mom insisted they were all invited.  We made the cutoff to first cousins only.  I thought it was inappropriate to not invite his parents siblings.  His second cousins are actually closer to his age because his parents are middle and younger children (so their siblings are older) and they had FI late so he is the youngest of his cousins.  But, once you got to second cousins the numbers were just out of control so we had to cap it.  FI isn't close with really any of his extended family so it wasn't hard to say no second cousins for him.  Age made everything complicated and was splitting families so we went with a generational/family tree type line to draw.  For you this may be only out to second cousins (excludes their kids).  Generally though it would probably be kinda rude to invite his aunt or uncles kids but not the aunt or uncle (unless they are estranged).  I would guess though they must be on the older side and if they have to travel, may not travel far.  Not sure if that will even decrease your numbers but that is my best suggestion without offending anyone. 

Johnsonk313

Could you do the cut off at just aunts and uncles and no cousins?

mamameech

We had to draw the line somewhere too. On my side there are 5 generations! We had to cap it at 150 for dinner (venue max) so we decided to stop at cousins, and not cousins' kids - unless they were coming from out of town.
Getting married at 32-34 really expands your "circles" LOL

L&K2012

My mother is one of 7 and my father 10, we invited all of my aunts and uncles and their children (my first cousins), but did not extend it any farther....but most of my cousins children are very young, and we are not inviting kids so that was an easy issue.  Our guest list is currently about 210... but it is semi-destination (3 hour drive for most people) so we are expecting the list to be closer to 175 at the most. 

I would think if you want to invite your FI's cousins children you have to invite the cousins themselves and just hope for the best... that many won't be able to come - horrible to say, but true!

DreamCLG7

Ugh, we're dealing with the same thing. My father is one of 7, and MIL is one of 5. I have about 20 first cousins! When you start including them, plus guests it gets really out of control. And I can totally relate with the panic attack. I am so anxious doing my guest list. I wanted to keep it at 150 max. We're already at 200 and growing. Best part is, my FI and I are only inviting like 10 friends. the rest is family. i am STILL waiting on my FIL to provide me with a list. He needed to send it to his sister-in-law to make sure he didn't "forget" anyone.  

Sorry, I'm not much help. Like I said, we're dealing with the same exact thing. It stinks. Whoever said that planning a wedding is test to see if you can survive a marriage was 100% right. It's already given me my first grey hair.  
   

Starfish0116

I feel your pain! FI's family is HUGE with everyone having at least 3-4 kids. His side of the guest list is out of control, between his family and his friends. (as in, his friend list has as many as my family/friends combined!!!!)

We decided to not include children. For us, that was the easiest way. Originally we thought of doing an age cut off, but that wouldn't have worked because there would be some families split up (which you can't do). In the end, the compromise was no kids. I had to put my food down, because I thought it was unacceptable to bump our friends (who we actually really WANT there) to accommodate the kids of people we never see - even if they are family. Even FI couldn't tell you half the kids names.

I know that doesn't work for everyone, but it's the only thing I really went "bridezilla" on. Not really crazy on, but just made it clear that if I had to concede with his astronomical guest list, he had to concede on my no kids rule. My dad is footing the bill for half, and we're making up the other half. FI's family isn't contributing to the reception (doing the rehearsal dinner) so they really couldn't argue me cutting the kids.

volleygurl0306

Oh I forgot to mention one thing we did....for STDs we used the excuse that we were only sending to my side since they all have to fly (99% of FI's side is a 1-3 hour drive) plus WP and immediate family.  He has one or two family members that have to fly but we didn't want to send to one and not others and cause issue.  This is what we told FMIL to appease her.  We actually did this to hopefully decrease our attendance rate.  If we send invites only 2 months before the wedding, we are hoping that all that family that FI really doesn't care if they come but we were obligated to invite won't be able to make arrangements on shorter notice.  STD are not required so maybe skip them except for those traveling who you really want there.  In general, I've found those closest with me knew generally when our date was without a STD.  Maybe not the nicest thing but when I asked FI if he could introduce me to all his family and he said no, we realized how embarrassing that would be for 1 and 2 that these aren't the people who will make or break our day.

doublenn

While it's not exactly the same situation, I had something similar while narrowing my guest list. My dad has 9 cousins, and we want a fairly small reception. The way we solved this is by inviting only the adults. Not sure how close you are to your cousins, but maybe this is possible for you?

SCogs18

Could you invite FI's aunts/uncles but not his cousins?  That would save you a lot of people.

rbwashington2012

Wow PP are right about having to draw a line in the sand.  My mother and FFIL are from huge families. On my mother's side, it was easy since I only have two aunts (her sister's) that live here in the city and the other two (Los Angeles) only travel to our neck of the woods once a year or two years. I am still going to send them a STD (per my mother) just in case they decide to come. As for my aunts' children, we actually had to cut the list on that one because they all except one have over three kids. So I end up picking the ones I actually grew up around (not that close to a lot of my first or second cousins) that left one aunt's only child and my other aunt's youngest and her son (son and my nephew same age and grew up together).

As for FFIL, we had to stop the madness quickly because the guest list is set for only 60 people (small wedding). FFIL was spreading the word like he was Paul Revere. FI (who isnt that close to his extended family either) decided that he only wanted certain family members at the wedding to begin with so he made his list, told FFIL that this for his side of the family.

Friends are mostly people we all mutually have connections between each other. After it was said and done with got it down to 54 total with the room for 6 more if needed.  This is the only time we both turned into zillas cause we didn't want a huge wedding to begin with. WIshing you the best in your choices!

lv0408307

Here's the thing... both of our families are making a 12 hour trip for our wedding. Also we moved our wedding to a Friday, so we're hoping that helps out as well. The thing is two years ago my FI's brother got married, all of my FI's family live in WI and they had the same issue we are having. The majority of them made the 24hour trip down to their wedding in GA. Ours is half the distance so what makes them not want to come? Yes the first cousins of my FI are all older (30's and up) but that won't stop them from coming to the wedding. There are only a few second cousins that he is close to and those ones are in our wedding, so really we are cutting off at the first cousins, except for a few. Our venue can hold up to 250 but that is really pushing it, I don't want my guest to be jam packed. We are allowing children, seeing as how I have much younger cousins than my FI and are having them apart of the wedding so of course want them at the reception.

lv0408307

Did I mention my FI is in the Army as well as a Police Officer so of course the whole Police Station and Unit MUST be at our wedding!!! I'm going to die! I'm only inviting 10 friends! TEN!

DirtyWater

We're at 283.  That was Aunts, Uncles, and 1st cousins.  We made the cut of age 13. 

I'd try to cut the cousins if you can.

volleygurl0306

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_guest-list-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:ad828211-cc92-4016-8e01-13879b56c314Post:a9553e39-51d9-4cd3-874b-5aad8d35a429">Re: Guest List..</a>:
[QUOTE]Here's the thing... both of our families are making a 12 hour trip for our wedding. Also we moved our wedding to a Friday, so we're hoping that helps out as well. The thing is two years ago my FI's brother got married, all of my FI's family live in WI and they had the same issue we are having. The majority of them made the 24hour trip down to their wedding in GA. Ours is half the distance so what makes them not want to come? Yes the first cousins of my FI are all older (30's and up) but that won't stop them from coming to the wedding. There are only a few second cousins that he is close to and those ones are in our wedding, so really we are cutting off at the first cousins, except for a few. Our venue can hold up to 250 but that is really pushing it, I don't want my guest to be jam packed. <strong>We are allowing children, seeing as how I have much younger cousins than my FI and are having them apart of the wedding so of course want them at the reception.
</strong>Posted by lv0408307[/QUOTE]

Does this mean you are allowing small children on FI's side too?  For instance his second cousins kids?  If so, I'd draw the line there and say the only reason there are little kids on your side and not his is because they are 1st cousins.  If you make the rule first cousins only (excluding WP, the same rules never apply to them haha) regardless of age, you may be able to cut some on his side.  Also, just because they traveled for FI's bro's wedding years ago doesn't mean they will for yours necessarily.  They will WANT to, but could be in a different financial spot, not have days off work, have an extra kid now, etc.  I think the less time you give them to prepare to travel, the easier it is for them to not be able to make it (so send invites out 6-8 weeks before, no more and skip a save the date).  Also, is it an option to invite none of the Police Dept?  I get that if you invite one you have to invite all, but it seems unfair to me that you only have 10 friends when FI has all this family and every coworker regardless of if he's close with them.  If he invited none of them (minus any included in the WP) he could still have a bachelor party with them and as long as he explained the situation I'm sure they'd understand.  I know it's a tight brotherhood but this seems really out of balance for you.

lv0408307

That's what I am thinking about doing. Limiting to just first cousins. There really aren't any young children on either side of our families. The ones that do have the young ones I don't really see coming to the wedding, but you never know. I don't want to send out STD but my FMIL and FFIL are insiting that I send them out because that's what their first daughter-in-law did, and she's just perfect, so I am to follow what she does. (kill me now, seriously. Did I mention she just announed she's pregnant and is due around our wedding day?! So of course everyone is more excited about that than our wedding and I just have this feeling that she will go into labor on our wedding day!) Anywho... I will be waiting until the very last minute to send anything out. Both our families know we are getting married. We've been engaged for a year so they should have the date already marked down. I am just sending the STD to please the in-laws.

As for the police department and the unit, the FI and I have had the talk about not inviting all of them and he's limited it down. He just throws it out there that he served in Afghan with these guys for a year and the others are protecting him every day, he can't not invite them.