A little bummed for fi...

hollyweenOR

Commence to rambling: Bit slow at work, and reading random posts, one got me thinking about my fi's family. His mom died about 5 yrs ago, so it's him, his dad, and his 3 bros. He's on pretty good terms w/ his brothers but it's hard for me to say if they're "close" as I'm an only child and it's hard for me to determine. At any rate, they're all coming for the wedding & will comprise his half of the bridal party. I've met all of them at previous times and they're nice guys, though generally a bit reserved. 

But his dad...he's a tough nut to crack. They don't speak too regularly, though there's no animosity between them. His dad's birthday was last week, but his dad is adamant that he does not want his birthday brought up. He's very set in his ways...the kinda guy who could (and does) eat the same 3 things for dinner over and over. He hasn't flown since fi was in junior high. He still works, more out of habit than necessity (he's 72 & a college professor). We're not really sure he's coming to the wedding, he hasn't said one way or the other. He did come to fi's brother's wedding last fall, but he was able to go by car, with the other 2 brothers (and I guess that was kind of like pulling teeth). I've met him 2x now, he does seem to like me, as much as he likes anyone (I'm respectful but a bit of a smartass, in a nice way, and I really connected w/ his mom, fi's grandma, which appeared to be meaningful to him).

It just makes me sad that he might not be able to bust out of his rut enough to come to the wedding. He has never traveled to OR to see fi (who has lived here since 1993); fi's mom used to come on her own, or with one of fi's aunts, every couple of years. Luckily his mom's siblings (as well as his cousins on that side) are warm & lovely people who have been proclaiming how excited they are to come out west for the wedding! I guess I am just looking for ways to keep him from being too sad about his mom not being there and possibly his dad electing not to come. Anyone with similar family dynamics? My family is certainly messed up, but in totally different ways, so this is new territory for me.

CowgirlK39

That is really sad. Sounds like he just goes along in life since the death of his wife. I guess all FI can do is say "dad we would really like you to be there on this special day" and leave it up to him. How far of a drive would it be? Maybe could FI's brothers also support your cause and try to get him to go? Can't pry too much because then he will just dig in deeper, I'm sure.

volleygurl0306

Wow that's a tough one.  I agree with PP about maybe getting the brothers somewhat involved.  If driving is out of the question could you offer to have someone fly with him?  Or does he have a friend or someone who is just a companion to him that you could maybe invite as well to make him more comfortable with the travel?  I've never dealt with that either so how set in his ways he is is rough.  Any chance you could get his mom (FI's gma) involved with trying to get her son to go?  If he liked that you got along with her, maybe his mom is his weakness?  just throwing things out there since I'm not sure quite how the dynamic is

mamameech

It would be really unfortunate for him to miss his son's wedding; for both him and your FI. Maybe getting the other brothers involved would help; maybe he just need a little coaxing. I really hope you guys can figure something out so that he can be present at your wedding.

ErinW1912

I am dealing with the same situation except it is my FI grandfather. Since his grandmother died a few years ago his grandfather pretty much just sits at home and watches wheel of fortune. This is just sad b/c his grandfahter is the only living grandparent he has left and he never knew his other set of grandparents b/c they died before him or his brothers were born. The uncle and aunt who live in the same city as the grandfather have tried to convince him to come but my FMIL says he will not come. Not only is this hard on my FI but also my FMIL b/c it is her dad that will not come. It makes it more difficult b/c most of my family including the extended all live in the same state and area where we are getting married so pretty much all of them will be coming. While his family has to come in from Michigan and of right now the only family that is coming is two sets of aunts and uncles one from eachside of his family and a set of family freinds. my fi will make comments like your side will be packed and I will only have maybe a fourth of number you have.-the thing is the ceremony site is not split and we are not doing assigned seating at the reception or a head table just a sweetheart table

my advice is see if you can get his brothers or someone else to see if they can motivate him to come as other ppl have suggested. In the end though if he is set in his ways and refuses to come just in enjoy your day do not be uspet and sad about it you tried. The only other thing is if you can talk to him then just tell him how much it would mean to you and your FI to have him at the wedding. I cannot do this b/c I have never met my FI grandfather-i will this summer when we go to a family union in Michigan   

hollyweenOR

Thanks, y'all. His brothers have sort of indicated that they're not interested in strong-arming their dad on the travel issue, and sadly, his grandma passed away last year. We're hoping he considers taking the train if he won't fly (Indiana to Oregon)! We'll see, I guess. Fi's mom was always the one that handled the social/emotional side of their partnership, and it's painfully obvious that he doesn't have a lot of tolerance for delving into that arena.