September 2012 Weddings

A mother who tries too hard (long, sorry)

Let me start out by saying that I love my mother dearly.  There is no other woman on the earth that I love more.  That said, how would you deal with this situation?

I have used my mother as a sort of "sounding board" I suppose.  Anytime I'm frustrated about something I vent to her about it.  When I vent I don't really want anything to be said or done about it, I just want to get it off my chest.  This past weekend MOH, FMIL, FSIL, and my mom got together to talk about my shower.  I told my mom what my ideal shower would be.  So she went into the meeting and started telling everyone what I wanted and how this was my shower and my wedding and it was a *my last name* wedding, not a *FI's last name* wedding.  She kind of alienated everyone and blew things up like an atom bomb.

In her defense, when she was planning her wedding it was 500 miles away from my dad's family and my dad (she's from Northern Maine and he's from SE Mass.) so she didn't have to take into consideration the opinions of my father or his family when she was planning her wedding so she has an assumption that weddings are all about the bride.  I don't feel that way and I probably should have conveyed that fact to her but I honestly didn't think it would blow up in my face like it did.

Anyway, FMIL, and FSIL ended up crying after my mother stormed out of the meeting and things are kind of not great with us right now.  Also, MOH has decided to step down from being MOH because she doesn't want to talk to my mom anymore.  My mom feels like she was wronged during that meeting because she thinks that they attacked her and she wants an apology.  I wasn't there so I don't know what really happened all I know is what people have told me so I don't know what to do about all of this.

I'd love to just brush it all under the rug but I know my mother and I know that if she doesn't get what she wants (an apology) she's going to walk around every event (including the wedding) with a sour face.  She may not do it intentionally but she will be upset and she (like myself) wears her emotions on her face.

What would you do?
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Re: A mother who tries too hard (long, sorry)

  • Holy crap! I thought my mom was bad!

    I think you need to tell your mom you don't share her sentiment that it is all about the bride. But that is such a tough situation, because all you can do for your MOH and FILs is apologize on behalf of your mom....and your mom wants an apology from them!

    Ahh! I would be so upset too.

    I'm sorry I do not have a solution. All I can say is that really sucks and I wish you the best and hope someone much wiser has an idea or two!
  • ouch, I really don't know what to say... This must be stressful for you! These are some of the most important people in you day and they are at war :(
    I'd hope that if they all cared for you, they could form a truce. They don't have to like each other, but out of respect for you, they should try to just get along. Maybe even have a venting session; you can be the referree! lol
    Seriously tho, everyone can get together and each has their turn with the "talking stick" if that is what is required. When they express themselves, you can let them know how you feel about it. Hopefully everyone could get their frustrations out and find a way to work it out.

    I'm sooooo sorry.... *hugs**
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  • Oh no!  Talk about good intentions going awry.  I think you are going to have to face this one head on.  Maybe you can invite everyone over for dinner and dessert (something chocolate!)  and hash it out like adults.  You will need to take the lead and explain to your mom your thoughts ahead of time...something like "mom, you know how much I love you and I know your intentions were good, but you came off as insensitive to FMIL, FSIL, and MOH.  The wedding is not all about just ME, but a celebration of the joining of our two families.  We all need to work together as equal members of a team, etc."  I hope this helps!  Sorry you are going through this!  GL!

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_a-mother-who-tries-too-hard-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:c5c280aa-552e-462c-a923-d71864d73cc7Post:3d374bd4-61e5-4538-ba40-8aea344ad1cc">Re: A mother who tries too hard (long, sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh no!  Talk about good intentions going awry.  I think you are going to have to face this one head on.  Maybe you can invite everyone over for dinner and dessert (something chocolate!)  and hash it out like adults.  You will need to take the lead and explain to your mom your thoughts ahead of time...something like "mom, you know how much I love you and I know your intentions were good, but you came off as insensitive to FMIL, FSIL, and MOH.  The wedding is not all about just ME, but a celebration of the joining of our two families.  We all need to work together as equal members of a team, etc."  I hope this helps!  Sorry you are going through this!  GL!
    Posted by agladhill[/QUOTE]

    <div>I second this and I'm so sorry you're having ot deal with these issues. =(</div>
  • wow this one is a doozy. Do you have a favorite aunt who can reason with your mom and the ladies? can you maybe get MOH to try and be the peace maker and mediate?
  • edited February 2012
    Oh lord!  What a mess and you are stuck in the middle of it and you weren't even there! My first order of business would be to deal with MOH, since she is probably the most likely to chill out sooner and get back on your side (kind of sucks that she backed out on you based on the actions of others).  Assuming you still want her to be MOH, I would ask for her support because you need it now more than ever.  If she doesn't want to get involved, that is telling IMO.  Maybe she can help you smooth things over with the others too. As far as the other ladies in your family, let them all calm down before forcing a resolution, but like PPs said you need to deal with it head on.  Letting them calm down doesn't mean sweeping it under the rug or avoiding it.  It means telling them all (collectively in an email is my preferred way or dealing with the drama ladies in my life...FMIL & 2 SILs are drama llamas) that you are sorry all of these hurt feelings resulted over the planning of your shower (reminder it is supposed to be a happy occasion for both families wouldn't hurt here), and that while you weren't there to know or understand what really happened or was said, you do want to be the one to make the effort to get everyone back on the same page.  I find that if you sort of (nicely) call everyone out at the same time, no one feels they are being singled out and it eliminates the possibility of your mom feeling like you are choosing sides or vice versa.  If all else fails, at some point you may have to beg each side to please fake nice during the wedding planning and wedding itself for your sake (and hope that time will pass and they will get over it). Good luck....
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  • Thanks for the advice girls. I tried to talk to my mom about it. She took what I was trying to say completely wrong, didn't let me finish my sentence and hung up on me. I tried talking to my dad and he got yelled at for allowing me to be "daddy's little girl". He told me to let her cool off for awhile. She promptly sent me an email saying she's going to be sick the day of my wedding. I hope 7 months is enough time to cool off but I somewhat doubt it. FI and I are going to talk with FSIL and FMIL. They are ready to move on with planning and understand that my mom over reacted a bit and that these things happen.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_a-mother-who-tries-too-hard-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:c5c280aa-552e-462c-a923-d71864d73cc7Post:e3f26323-d158-4a6d-a6b1-59cfc5028ef8">Re: A mother who tries too hard (long, sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for the advice girls. I tried to talk to my mom about it. She took what I was trying to say completely wrong, didn't let me finish my sentence and hung up on me. I tried talking to my dad and he got yelled at for allowing me to be "daddy's little girl". He told me to let her cool off for awhile. <strong>She promptly sent me an email saying she's going to be sick the day of my wedding.</strong> I hope 7 months is enough time to cool off but I somewhat doubt it. FI and I are going to talk with FSIL and FMIL. They are ready to move on with planning and understand that my mom over reacted a bit and that these things happen.
    Posted by Sarah&Eric2012[/QUOTE]

    That is horrible. If you need a stand in mom, I volunteer.
  • Oh my goodness I am so sorry to hear this. I am in the same boat some. My mom is wonderful but she worries a lot about everything. Just remember that at the end of the day you are marrying the love of you life and that's all that matters. Praying that everything will be perfect for your wedding! :) Will be thinking about you in September!
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