Moms are driving me nuts

CowgirlK39

Both my mom and my FMIL drove me crazy this weekend. Its so hard to tell moms what to do sometimes because they always think they are right simply because they are the mom.

FMIL: Decided this weekend she wants to throw me a shower this summer. I told her my mom was gonna throw one, but FMIL said she wanted to invite a lot of people (she tends to invite completely random people to parties, and it drives us NUTS). So I said sure, also my mom said that was fine because then FMIL could go crazy with guests on her own dime. However, FSIL is getting married a month before we are, and FMIL booked her shower already. She then asked to book mine a month after FSIL's shower. I said "Umm thats a little tight for one family to do, don't you think?" She insisted it was fine, but I know their family is tight on money and probably will attend one and not the other. Plus, now the summer goes like this: June = FSIL shower, July = My shower, Aug = FSIL wedding, Sept = My wedding. Thats kind of crazy. I tried to talk her into moving the showers up but she refused. Also, their family reunion is in between the shower dates!

My Mom: Has a friend who is a seamstress. She has insisted this friend alter my dress because she has made dresses in the past. I told my mom making your own dress and altering one someone else has made is totally different. She keeps saying this lady needs to come see the gown and decide if its something she can do or not. That has yet to happen, mostly because this lady's husband has been ill and in the hospital. I am extremely nervous that this won't get done on time or will get botched because she isn't as skilled as my mom thinks. I would rather have it go back to the salon and get done there. It's making me stress out like crazy!

Any insight or suggestions? Why the heck is it so hard for moms to understand NO?

jacquiroxx

Oi vey- that sounds like a hot mess.

Have you laid out the summer like that to your FMIL?  I know if I were one of the guests... say one of your aunts... and I knew my schedule for the summer was going to look like that I'd honestly probably skip both showers and only come to the wedding.  That's a lot to commit to- 2 weddings, 2 showers, and a family reunion.  Is most of the family at least close??  Would a lot of the guests be the same at both showers... could you have a joint shower?  Not that that's an ideal situation, but it might be worth throwing the suggestion out there to see.  It would save money (for both the guests and your mom) and make it probable that people would actually come.

As for your mom.  This is probably a time when I'd take care of business by myself, but it's hard to see how invested she is.  Would she be truly hurt if you took it to a tailor?  I would take it back to the salon and just get a quote.  Figure out what all needs to be done.  Let her friend look at it too- there is no harm done by just looking.  I'd still stress that I'd rather have them done at the store and maybe give her some horror stories about girls who had to buy a dress last-minute because alterations weren't done.  Do you have a lot of altering that needs to be done?  If it's just a hem or something small, I'd probably honestly let my mom's friend do it.  If you need to take it in 2 sizes and have a sweetheart neckline put in- I'd be more likely to take it to the salon.  You could always tell your mom that if something goes wrong at the store you'd get your money back and have a way to fix the problem, but if you go through a family friend and something happens you're sh!t out of luck.

Wow, that was long... haha

mamameech

yikes - you're in a pickle eh?

As for the first issue, I can totally appreciate your concern. You are being considerate to family members by not bombarding them with wedding events and costs and your FMIL should appreciate that. It sounds like way too much in such a short time frame. I totally agree that the showers could be bumped up, or at least spread out. Mine are being held in May (first wkd and third wkd) for a mid-September wedding. I think that's a nice time laspe and doesn't cram everything into the summer.
I wish I knew how you could handle this other than talking to her and being firm. If she really doesn't want to budge, then maybe you're best to just have the shower with your mom. I can imagine that would cause a lot of ruffled feathers but parents need to listen to their children just as much as children need to listen to their parents.

As for your mom, I think this one should be a bit easier to handle. I'd say look into hiring your own seamstress or tailor. If your mom's lady is distracted like that, just explain to your mom that you'd rather not burden her with the added pressure and hire someone else.

volleygurl0306

I agree with a lot of what PP said. 
Also with your FMIL, if you aren't so excited for her shower because it'll be a bunch of random people, maybe it's okay that so much else is going on because then people won't show up to your shower since it is second?  Especially if everyone is out of town.  So then it can just be small and intimate and less expensive for her too.  Are you in the same town as her or are you making trips for all these things?    It seems like she wants to treat you like she is her own daughter so you should see it as a good thing (if your dynamic is normally good).  Like PP said, lay out the summer for her and see if you can ease her into another idea.  If not, just graciously accept and roll with it.
As for your mom, agree with PP.  Also, who is paying for alterations?  If your mom is, perhaps she is afraid of how expensive it'll be?  I'd get a quote so she understands and maybe offer to chip in.  If you are 100%, put your foot down about going to the salon.  No one ever wants to hurt mom's feelings but if it is your dress and your financial burden, she doesn't get a say in this one.

CowgirlK39

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_moms-driving-nuts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:c6ee6679-3d5f-4017-a0a5-e02c91c09235Post:81d8e84c-11f1-422e-8096-99430703c2c8">Re: Moms are driving me nuts</a>:
[QUOTE]Oi vey- that sounds like a hot mess. Have you laid out the summer like that to your FMIL?  I know if I were one of the guests... say one of your aunts... and I knew my schedule for the summer was going to look like that I'd honestly probably skip both showers and only come to the wedding.  That's a lot to commit to- 2 weddings, 2 showers, and a family reunion.  Is most of the family at least close??  <strong>Would a lot of the guests be the same at both showers... could you have a joint shower?</strong>  Not that that's an ideal situation, but it might be worth throwing the suggestion out there to see.  It would save money (for both the guests and your mom) and make it probable that people would actually come. As for your mom.  This is probably a time when I'd take care of business by myself, but it's hard to see how invested she is.  Would she be truly hurt if you took it to a tailor?  I would take it back to the salon and just get a quote.  Figure out what all needs to be done.  Let her friend look at it too- there is no harm done by just looking.  I'd still stress that I'd rather have them done at the store and maybe give her some horror stories about girls who had to buy a dress last-minute because alterations weren't done.  <strong>Do you have a lot of altering that needs to be done?  If it's just a hem or something small, I'd probably honestly let my mom's friend do it. </strong> If you need to take it in 2 sizes and have a sweetheart neckline put in- I'd be more likely to take it to the salon.  You could always tell your mom that if something goes wrong at the store you'd get your money back and have a way to fix the problem, but if you go through a family friend and something happens you're sh!t out of luck. Wow, that was long... haha
Posted by jacquiroxx[/QUOTE]

My FSIL actually suggested to her mom that we just have them together. FMIL proudly annouced that she enjoys throwing parties (she brags to people that the parties are her doing, and makes sure she becomes center or attention), and then said her famous line... "Oh they won't mind!" She says this about everything, even when people point out what she is doing is wrong/rude. I told her I think thats way too much to expect her family to do, and she said "well if they can't come to both, they can bring two gifts to one. So you may be getting gifts at FSIL's shower!" As for travel, we live about 2 minutes from FMIL so thats not an issue for us, but there are some aunts and grandparents of FI who live pretty far. I hate to sound like a jerk, but the whole family is bad at gift giving. For FBIL's graduation, he got $20 from his grandparents and nothing from his parents or uncle. So not only am I expecting pretty much nothing, but now I am expecting less since they will have 2 showers back to back.

My alterations are not hard.... 2 in off the bottom and the bust needs to be pulled in tight. However, my dress has extremely detailed applice (sp?) and will require a LOT of time and patience to get it off and reattached. Also, I need cups to fill in the top, and the salon had them, but i cant have them unless they do the alteration. I can only hope this lady can order some somehow. I will let her see it but it still makes me nervous, especially if something else should happen to her husband.

Sorry these are long posts! I appreciate all the insite!