today sucks. (vent)

mamameech

It's Valentine's Day and FI and I are fighting
I'm sexually frustrated. I'm not sure why, but he rarely wants sex. I, on the hand, have always had a high sex drive. I get shut down on a weekly basis; it doesn't happen unless he wants it to. I'm crazy attracted to him and I have needs, but I feel like I have to keep them to myself to save a fight. I don't worry that I'm not pretty or sexy enough, but I wonder what is with the lack of interest? He seems to enjoy it when we do, but it's just a wham-bam-thank-you-mam type of deal and it's never "passionate". I sooo want to be touched and lusted after; I want to be wanted. I know he loves me dearly and I have learned with him that a relationship isn't just about sex (that seemed to be the basis of most of my other relationships - prob why they ended) and I love everything else so much that I'm willing to accept his lower level of sexual intensity. However, sometimes I wish I felt like he really wanted to touch me or make love to me. Sorry if that's TMI.
I can't say anything or express my disappointment without upsetting him; I'm supposed to pretend like I don't care. So I take care of "business" myself when I'm alone to take the edge off, but that upsets him too - go figure. So what am I supposed to do?
And to top it all off, I have 2 exams to write tonight. Romantic eh?

CowgirlK39

Does it bother him that he isn't that sexually interested? Maybe he has low testosterone. Is he on meds or has he had a hectic schedule? There are a lot of things that affect libido but its usually kind of a big deal with men because you just don't expect that from them. Had he always been like this or has this been a gradual decrease? I suggest he talk to a doctor to see if there is a medical rteason he isn't interested.

Or... I suggest a vacation alone. Sometimes being apart brings the spark back.

adktd2boots

FI isn't interested in Valentine's Day at all.  He's going to the gym, and I have to run to town to get my BC. 

It sucks when your drive is off from each other.  Seems like when he wants it, I don't and when I want it he's gone or doesn't want it.  My guess is that with the others, it was just based on that- so you knew it was going to happen.  And now, life is happening and that's not the most important thing. 

I wish I could offer some advice, but IDK.  Good luck with things.

Clarustin2011

Sorry that you are having a bad V-Day.

I agree with PP about something being off with him and not realizing it. Maybe a Dr's visit will fix everything.

Hope it all works out for you!

junebug19

So, its kind of the opposite here, but it hasn't always been. I went on a new medication and it is metabolizes through my hormones and effects everything. I can't even go on BC b/c it would mess up the way the meds worked. Anyway, I finally felt comfortable enough to talk to a Dr about it and we are working on it and my FI has been very supportive. I agree with PP, maybe he should talk to a Dr, if it is an issue for him & he is comfortable doing so, it could be a lot of things.

bridezillatobe2009

It has been a month since we had sex, I could have writen this post myself, I'm sorry that you're going through this too.I too have told FI that I'm upset and it makes me feel like he's not attracted to me and then it starts a war. I don't know what the solution is, just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

volleygurl0306

Mama I'm so sorry.  I don't know if this has always been that way or if this is a "dry patch" for him.  If it has always been this way, I would suggest the doctor like PP said.  That can be really sensitive and wish I could come up with a non-immasculating way to say that.  As a PP said, I think if it bothers him that he has a low libido it may make him more sensitive but it also may make him more willing to help himself. 

We've gone through this too in patches.  It typically means (for my FI) that something else is wrong with him.  If it is stress what I try to do is help out what I can with what he has going on.  Even if it's work stuff I can't physically do, I tell him I am proud of him or something.  Also, when we are just watching TV and I want it, I'll give him a massage and maybe go for a happy ending so he's relaxed and then gets what I'm going for.  (Sorry if that's TMI but it works like a charm).

My other suggestion if it is chronic is what if instead of taking care of your own "business" while alone, you ask him to "help" you.  When I need to take the edge off or didn't finish during sex, I'll ask FI to play with my upper region while I take care of the rest so I'm getting it done (efficiently) but having him help and not having to do it behind his back or anything.  This could engage your FI in satisfying you without his drive really having to be there at all.  He is doing it purely for your pleasure without really having to do much work. 

As a last resort I'd consider therapy or sex therapy.  Maybe he doesn't have a hormonal problem but a self-esteem issue?  Do you know much about his previous experiences with other women?  As miserable as that is to hear, if someone was really critical he may just feel inadequate.

mamameech

Thanks for the support ladies! I'm sorry to hear others are going through this but it does help to know that I'm not alone.FI was never at my level, but moving in together only made matters worse. At least when we lived apart he seemed to put more effort into it.I think he just takes for granted that I'm there and he doesn't have to woo me or even try. And yet, here I am buying sexy lingerie for a boudoir shoot, to keep the spark alive. I wonder why I bother sometimes. I have sexy outfits and the body to rock them (not to sound conceited but I do work hard for it!), but it does nothing for him.He's not on any meds (but I'm considering pushing viagra haha) but he could have some sort of imbalance. I've tried to push him to see the doc in regards to his constant lack of energy but he still hasn't gone - and we have free health care!

mcmeghan311

I just wanna say, it takes a lot of guts to admit publically that you're having any type of relationship troubles-esp sexually, and I commend you for that.  I don't know that I have any advice, since you seem to have covered all the facets that I would have suggested (flying solo, etc).  I'm sorry to hear this, and it's not TMI (for me, anyway).  Vent anytime you want to.  
  I do find it problematic that he has a problem with the solo play but won't take care of it himself.  I can understand the reasoning behind it, but it isn't fair.  If he feels guilty, he should either take care of it or let it go.  A few months ago, FI and I went through that sort of thing.  I wasn't feeling like being intimate hardly at all, but if he would go look at porn or something, I would cave because I'd rather be that person for him.  It wasn't the intimacy though, it was literally a sex thing, I just wasn't feeling like it.  Things got better, I think it was when I started working out and eating better that my libido returned.  Maybe try something like that?  See if a new routine will spike his drive?
I have to ask, and if its too personal I completely understand...but do you want kids together?  Would this be an issue there?

mamameech

We do want kids... but this worries me. He's already sooo tired all the time and is so bothered when he lacks sleep. What will he do when there is a baby?
I've done the baby thing, as a single parent, so I know what that involves. My son didn't sleep more than an hour at a time for the first 9 months - yup.
There will def be no sex then!

romamor4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_today-sucks-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:c71c0d8c-9cea-4f80-a221-7ba167a06dbbPost:2c2a708d-dd56-4c0e-a4aa-713964adb7d4">Re: today sucks. (vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]We do want kids... but this worries me. He's already sooo tired all the time and is so bothered when he lacks sleep. What will he do when there is a baby? I've done the baby thing, as a single parent, so I know what that involves. My son didn't sleep more than an hour at a time for the first 9 months - yup. There will def be no sex then!
Posted by mamameech[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I totally get that!! How long have you been living together, may I ask? Could it be that living with your son is such a change for him that it's hard for him to get in the mood? I know I have a hard time getting in the mood even when I know my daughter is around. Could it be this new role he's taken on? You mention that he's tired all the time. Has something changed in his schedule to make him more tired than normal or has he always been really tired? 

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mamameech

We've been living together 2 years now so he's def used to the "family" routine. He's always really needed his sleep and tires quickly, but it seems worse now. He'll go lay on the couch after dinner, fall asleep and then go to bed by 8:30 pm (my son's bedtime!). Granted he is up at 4:30 am, but technically so am I!

And my son's visits his father's side every second weekend, so we could technically do it anywhere in the house haha
But we don't

jezpez717

I feel like Im ur FI, I totally get tired allll the time, I work night shift and am constantly on different sleep schedules, I could totally sleep 12 hours in a row after night shifts too.

I feel like the lack of sex between my FI and I, has to do more with emotions though and I use being sleepy as an excuse. Or feeling like he didnt try hard enough, putting a hand on an ass or boob does not turn me on and make me wanna do u....

but that said even when my libido is low I try and turn up the heat on purpose, things like wearing cute lingirie and candles when he comes home.. so we do it before I get sleepy..
some times doing it makes me want to do it more. We always have a dry spell after my period, one week of not doing it turns into 2, and then when we get back into it we will do it like every other day..

I think if u really talk to him and tell him its a priority for you, maybe he can find some tricks for him self to get at least a little bit up to your level of sexual energy

kissamary

Well that just stinks.  I'm not on FI's level, but at least I try!  Usually if I'm not into it at the moment I click on my sexy songs playlist and get a massage or spend some time kissing.  That usually gets us feeling all romantical and stuff.

for future reference, or if you are nosey... 

http://www.playlist.com/playlist/23007352843

I skip the first song and put it on random.  I let FI help pick out songs that made him feel sexy or made him think of sex (hence the first song, which is a bit intense for the startup). 

SCogs18

I am SO glad you posted this!  I feel the same way a lot of times with my FI and it's really upsetting and really frustrating!  FI and I have had several "talks" (aka. fights) about it.

I would tread very carefully when trying to convince him to talk to his doctor.  My FI did not take that very well at all.  I think it hurt his ego.  He just say "I've always had long distance girlfriends so sex was always interment and it never bothered me.

FI and I were long distance for a year before we moved in together 15 months ago.  When we only saw eachother every 2-3 weeks it was great!  We were always excited to see eachother and be with eachother, physically and sexually.  Once we moved in things changed.

My suggestion would be to discuss what does it for you most.  My FI and I realized I am a night sex person and he is a morning sex person.  We both made more of an effort to approach othe other person when they would be more "sexually primed" if you will.  Also, if it goes too long between encounters I start mentioning it and FI gets the hint.  Things have gotten better for us.  Good luck!

wineo929

I've been lurking tonight and just reading posts but I have to jump in to this one. 1 because you're just so awesome, mama and 2 because right now I'm your FI! I feel awful about it and literally force myself to be intimate once a week. When we get back to CT we're going to a couple's therapist just to see if there are any things that we can do to help me (FI certainly doesn't need any help!)

I don't really have any good advice, but I just wanted to be another voice to say that we're here for you! My best friend married her husband before they ever had sex and the start was pretty rough for them (he was wanting it all the time- she didn't need it as much) and they went to a sex therapist. They're so happy now. I know it's a tough subject to approach with him, but it might be the best option!

mamameech

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_today-sucks-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:c71c0d8c-9cea-4f80-a221-7ba167a06dbbPost:8a5f09e1-a665-412f-aaee-c3fd58179c3f">Re: today sucks. (vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]t. I would tread very carefully when trying to convince him to talk to his doctor.  My FI did not take that very well at all.  I think it hurt his ego.  He just say "I've always had long distance girlfriends so sex was always interment and it never bothered me. 
Posted by SCogs18[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>The doctor push wasn't necessarily sex related; I was and still am concerned about his energy level in general. I think it would be good to get his levels checked; it could just be his iron for goodness sakes. He gets sick a lot too; like weekly. I've never said "I think you should see the doc for your lack of libido" lol - oh god that would soooo not go over well :P

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mamameech

A fun little update....

I finished my exams early so I was able to get home to put my son to bed. FI had brought my son out to buy me some flowers and my so picked out some purple tulips for me (he knows me better than FI!).

After I put my son to bed, FI brought me into the room and got undressed and gave me a massage - I don't think he's EVER done that. Of course he knew where that would lead... lol. That little bit of effort goes a long way. And man, I had a great night's sleep! haha

CowgirlK39

Well good! But if you are concerned about his overall energy and health it would be still a good idea to go see someone about it.

Its amazing how such a little imbalance somewhere can lead to such issues. I went from a hormonal BC pill to a non hormonal IUD about a year and a half ago. I felt like jparli said... sex was a chore. I felt bad that I was 100% disinterested and did it just to keep him happy. However, thanks to riding my new ATV for hours on end, the IUD became painfully dislodged so I had it removed and went back on BC pills. WHAM! Just like that I was back in the swing of things and my FI is thrilled. So maybe in your FI's case, even a little hormonal boost can be a big help. There's commercials on all the time for men experiencing "Low-T."

romamor4

Awesome!! I'm glad things turned out better in the end!! 

meagandal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_today-sucks-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:c71c0d8c-9cea-4f80-a221-7ba167a06dbbPost:adc1abcf-3926-464b-b679-8e1560479c40">Re: today sucks. (vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]Well that just stinks.  I'm not on FI's level, but at least I try!  Usually if I'm not into it at the moment I click on my sexy songs playlist and get a massage or spend some time kissing.  That usually gets us feeling all romantical and stuff. for future reference, or if you are nosey...  <a href="http://www.playlist.com/playlist/23007352843" rel="nofollow">http://www.playlist.com/playlist/23007352843</a> I skip the first song and put it on random.  I let FI help pick out songs that made him feel sexy or made him think of sex (hence the first song, which is a bit intense for the startup). 
Posted by kissamary[/QUOTE]


I love your mix :)

I have a lot that could be said on this topic, but as its something we are currently struggling with too I don;t even really have my emotions straight on it.  I feel a little bit like I am the one who doesn't want it right now.  Except that I <u><strong>really</strong></u> do but I just don't feel like I get into it, I feel like I want it so when he's offering or giving his signals I do it part out of duty and part out of this is what you want, so get it.  The problem is I;m not satisfied and I think I resent that  I had the feeling of duty attached to it and I don't like that I'm giving it up with out him putting the kind of effort I want into it.  Like PP a likee ugh ugh boobies yay now sexytime isn't what gets my motor going.  I want to be seduced, and I want to feel attracted to him more often that not and feel like our love and attraction for each other is there all the time and that it gets released in passion not just hey its been 2 weeks I'm tired of porn can we have sex tonight?

We were on opposite shifts for so long it was hard to be into it at the right time and I was always the one to give in and be woken up in the middle of the night, or stay in bed late or come back to bed in late morning when he gets up and is into it but I've been up for hours cleaning and starting my day.  That got old really quick. So I was feeling neglected I wanted it but wouldn't give in to his schedule and vise versa.  That lead to just no sex, and I would complain  but nothing changed and so then I just kind of got used to not having much sex. 

kissamary

thanks  I like it too haha