trying to stay positive (VENT)

MrsReynolds12

Well I was having a great evening up untill a few minutes ago. I finally did some updates on the site. I started working on getting my relatives addresses for invites and all in all it's been the most productive night I've had in a while. I decided to walk into my kitchen ( I live with my parents) and my 11yo brother said he had a message for me. Here's a little background:Yesterday I went to church right after work (which is about 20 mins from my house without traffic) during rush hour. About 3/4 of the way there my mom calls and said she needs a spice for dinner I told her I was out of the way and I couldn't drive back. Mind you it would take about 1hr to make the trip back to buy the spice and make it back to church and I needed to be there in about 30 mins. Foolish of me to think my mom would understand. She told my brother to tell me that during the week I needs her the most( apparently my wedding week) she's going to be vacationing in NY.

I'm so annoyed not at that fact that she'll be gone. She has been absolutely no help during planning all she does is complain and the one thing I wanted her to participate in, helping my pick out my dress, she showed up told me that the dress made me look fat and drooled over a thinner bride next to me who was trying on dresses. What ticks me off is how petty she is being about SPICES I mean really. I hate that she would use the week of my wedding to "teach me a lesson". The only lesson I'm getting here is that my mom is a bit on the crazy side and to keep my distance. My dad has been way more hands-on with the wedding and she thinks it's hurting me if she's not there. I hired a planner so that I didn't stress about my wedding and honestly I'm a bit relieved that she'll be gone that week. One less person telling me how I should plan my wedding despite the fact they didn't even plan their own wedding.

Am I over-exaggerating or is it pretty low that my mom thinks she's going to hurt me during my wedding week. Whenever she doesn't get her way she insists on teaching people these "lessons".  I'm so ready to get married and move-out so I don't have to deal with her drama. I love my mom but I can do without her attitude.

Okay now that my vent is over I added a song to our site and I could just picture walking down the aisle to fi and I can't help but get so emotional. Every thing that reminds me of weddings makes me so emotional lately. I feel like a big ball of mush!

npott044

Sorry to hear things are going rough. Hang in there and just remember at the end of the day you are marrying the man you love. That's how I am getting through it all.  

P.S. I also have a little brother and he is 10.

jessa1228

I can relate. I live with my parents still as well and my dad often pulls the same kind of petty shiiiit. He's so childish sometimes it's ridiculous. I've learned to just bite my tongue and do things his way to make living here somewhat easier. I cannot WAIT to move out though.

Hang in there :-/

melissaandmegan

My mother was the exact same way.  She was horrible to whomever she thought had "wronged" her.  As horrible as this may sound, if she chooses to not attend and participate in your wedding, it is her choice and her loss. It may be a blessing in disguise for you.
I wish you the best of luck, and peace, during this time!!!

kirab2

our moms sound similar... my mom definitely tries to punish me....   like she didnt agree with me having a baby... so she basically abandoned me when I caught my boyfriend cheating and kicked him out and ended up losing my house (all when my daughter was 4 weeks old, so I wasnt working)... she thought she was teaching me a lesson... the only lesson I learned is that my mom is an asshole.
I feel your pain. You did the right thing hiring a planner.  Don't count on her for anything.
I would be hurt that she was going away wedding week though.

MrsReynolds12

OMGoodness what a relief. I thought I was being a 'zilla for thinking it was low blow to say what she did. Thank you so much ladies for being understanding

Npott aren't younger brothers fun?? I love my brother but he is an instigator and loves telling us EVERYTHING negative my mom has to say about my older brother and I. I promise he gets a kick out of it. I remember being that naive.

Jessa idk about you but everytime my mom says or does something that rubs me the wrong way I get a bit more excited to move out. My latest way of ignoring her is by spending time searching for apartments, condos and houses in the area we would like to move to (which happens to be about 20-30 mins away from my parents). Everytime I find a place I think we like I save the info and remember I'll be moving out a few weeks before the wedding so it's about 6 or 7 more months until I'm outta here!! I wasn't originally planning on moving out without my new hubby but I think I just might have to.

Kirab it hurts a little to think my mom  would miss out on her only daughter's week festivities but if she wants to do that it'll be on her conscience. What I know is if she thinks she's gonna treat me like crap and on wedding day expect to be the center of attention she has another thing coming. I will treat her just like every other guest. She will not put a dent on my wedding day. She's always making plans to stay so involved in my life and my future kids' lives and I'll also have no problem sheltering us all from her and her craziness. One reason I look forward to honeymoon is because I'll be on a cruise and I don't have to answer any calls or see my mom. Sad but true!

jessa1228

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_trying-stay-positive-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:c7974d34-5431-4e62-960d-aa5d2481102dPost:15f94c81-42c9-43e1-9c17-6a3c5753f372">Re: trying to stay positive (VENT)</a>:
[QUOTE]Jessa idk about you but everytime my mom says or does something that rubs me the wrong way I get a bit more excited to move out. My latest way of ignoring her is by spending time searching for apartments, condos and houses in the area we would like to move to (which happens to be about 20-30 mins away from my parents). Everytime I find a place I think we like I save the info and remember I'll be moving out a few weeks before the wedding so it's about 6 or 7 more months until I'm outta here!! I wasn't originally planning on moving out without my new hubby but I think I just might have to.
Posted by MrsReynolds12[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>My FI actually has an apartment in the city while he goes to school, but I refuse to move in with him there because 1, I don't want to live in West Philly, and 2, my commute to work would go from 10 minutes to 1 hour. The plan is to find a place of our own before the wedding. FI graduates in June and we're really hoping he'll have a job lined up by then.</div><div>
</div><div>I don't know about you and your mom, but with my dad and I, when things are good they're great. I've always been closer to my dad than to my mom and we actually have a great relationship. But when things are bad, it's awful. And as much as I appreciate everything he and my mom have done for me (as in, I wouldn't have a car or a cell phone, let alone this entire wedding), I know it's time for me to GTFO of this house and start living MY life.

</div>

MrsReynolds12

My relationship is similar to you your dad's. However I'm closer to dad he's way calmer than mom and easier to talk to. I'm thankful for my parents but it's because of their beliefs I'm still living at home. They are very traditional foreigners in their belief that a girl leaves her home to be with her husband. I must say if it wasn't for living at home FI and I couldn't have saved the 30k we will be saving by the time the wedding come. I graduated and started working 7 months ago and FI just started a cleaning business so there's no way we could have our wedding and savings without the free rent. FI also lives at home and us eager to move out. I figure all the drama makes the transition that much easier.

ekk120

Wow! I can't believe that your mom wouldn't be there.on your wedding day over spices!? Hopefully it will just blow over -- but you have an awesome attitude about the situation. Much more mature and understanding than I'd be! Have fun house hunting -- that is super exciting!!

mamameech

Wow that is just so sad Your mom isn't going to your wedding to teach you a lesson??? How ridiculous is that/!?

I'm so very sorry - you are definitely not being a "zilla". I'd be crushed

romamor4

I feel for you, Mrs. Reynolds. I have a close friend whose mother is like that. She isn't as extreme, but she is manipulative and thinks that by 'punishing' her daughter in that manner she is teaching her a lesson. What they don't understand is they're pushing their children away by acting like that. That's called passive aggression. It only makes people more miserable. It's also a co-dependent issue. Her happiness stems upon whether or not you are pleasing her and if you don't please her, she punishes you. It sounds like she has a classic case of narcicism. (Sorry to get all psychological on you! I've been through similiar circumstances with my ex-husband...and that's a whole nother can of worms!). 

Anyway, don't let her ruin your day. If I were you, in order to protect myself, I'd start cutting her out of things. Don't give her the opportunity to hurt you anymore. She needs to learn that if she is going to try and hurt you that way, it won't work. Hopefully she will stop her destructive behaviour then. If not, then at least you aren't suffering from her destructive behaviour. I understand it's hard to cut someone like your mother out, but in the end it would be best for the both of you. That's what I had to do with my ex-husband, and still have to do with him in regards to my daughter. It's difficult, but doable. 

And you are NOT a zilla by any means!!! Remember that, lady!! 

MrsReynolds12

Thank you so much ladies. It's good to know I'm not the only one who thinks her behvious is rash.

Roma thanks for the tip. Fi was saying the same thing. I'm choosing to keep her out of things. She's not going to hurt me to get her way.

Nona98

Hey there Mrs. Reynolds, 

Not I'm longer alone! My mother is pretty much acting the exact same way. 

She's excited, not for me, but for HER to be able to throw the party and get all the glamor.  She ALWAYS has to be the life of the party.  

I'm good at standing my ground, but she makes it very hard when I choose to do things my way. 

She tells me she's planning a after wedding recepition for me, so she can invite all her friends and throw a party the way SHE wants to.  That I won't be involved in any details what so ever... I'm like, ok MOM, if that's what you want to do.  I'll just show up in my dress. 

My MOH has changed her mind about wanting to travel with the rest of the bridal party on the cruise.  Just because she wants to go somewhere else. 

Why do people act like this?  UGH!