Emotional wreck (update on house and family vent)

volleygurl0306

So update on house....we won't be closing today and we JUST found out the earliest would be Friday.  FI is furious and honestly, hard to deal with because he just snapped at everything last night and this morning.  And on the other end I have Lowes calling me every day asking when they can deliver our appliances because we have to keep pushing it back until we actually own the house!  I feel like I'm totally pestering my broker and realtor but they are the ones who said we could close today no problem so we moved forward with things we'd need to live there (like a fridge!).  And I'm overwhelmed with how FI is reacting because I know it'll take a lot of the stress from his life to be out of my parents house but he's being such a brat.  He's furious and when I just called him to tell him we are looking at Friday he flipped out about how he wants to get out of the house and he works Friday (he isn't needed at closing) so how can he get stuff done so we can move.  And I just said "what can we do?  This isn't in our control" and he hung up on me.  I get he's frustrated but this is what is happening so frickin deal with is like an adult.  Last night he was in such a mood he didn't even really talk to me about how I was handling the second drama of yesterday...

I've mentioned before on here how I no longer speak with my dad's parents or sister because they are unsupportive of FI's and my relationship because he is black and has a Muslim last name.  Long story but even counseling couldn't resolve anything.  Well my aun't daughter is 19 and took allegiance with her mother about a year and a half ago when she decided not to invite me to her graduation party because I had hurt her mom and grandmother by cutting them out.  I was more confused than hurt but okay, at least she has the balls to stand for something.  Since, she and I haven't spoken except when she tried to organize a brunch for my grandmothers 75th birthday.  I politely declined due to my grandmother and I having no relationship.  Even after my decline my cousin pushed back and requested I still come.  I saw this as rude and unsympathetic.  My brother got married about 2 months after that and she didn't even say hello.  So when it came to mailing out wedding invitations, I consciously chose not to invite people who hadn't shown support for us, including said cousin.  I guess this upset her (which if you dont like me or how I treat your mom why do you want to come to my wedding) because out of the blue I get a text yesterday afternoon from her mom (not her) saying how I'll have a miserable marriage because I'm a hateful b*tch and to stay away from her family.  So I call my dad to tell him his sister is a psycho and he says she sent him an email about how horrible I am a little bit ago and he replied saying "If your daughter has a problem with my daughter, she should call her directly.  My daughter is an adult and I have nothing to do with this."  Parents meddling on behalf of children and vice versa is what has blown things out of proportion on this anyways so I appreciated my dad's response.  My aunt blasted back something else and included my mom and my other aunt (who also dislikes nasty aunt and grandparents as a defense to me).  So just getting crazy. 

Then as the kicker, while my dad received this crazy email thread, he was on the phone with his mom.  This all was going on while my grandmother was crying about how she was starting to feel so upset that she won't see me walk down the aisle.  I'm fairly calloused to her in general, but this was the first sign of remorse she's shown to date and it hit me harder than I anticipated.  My dad didn't put any pressure on me but he told me that the mean b*tch I perceive my grandmother to be isn't the whole story and seeing me on my wedding day would mean a lot to her.  What do I do with that?!

I'm so overwhelmed I don't even know how to function today.  And none of that overwhlemed feeling even has anything to do with the long to-do list for the wedding I'm looking at.  Thanks for reading.  I know that was a lot and may not have even made sense but I had to put it out there.

thousandtrees

How would you feel about extending a polticially motivated invitation to the aunt, cousin and grandmother? My FI DOES NOT get on with his former stepfather, but his mother asked us to send an invite to him anyway in order to keep peace in their blended family. This gives them the opportunity to be the bigger person and be there on your day, if they so choose, but also allows you to be guilt free as you have placed the ball firmly in their court. 

If it were me, I would communicate directly with them, maybe by letter, and just say that you would like to welcome them on your big day, but if they feel they cannot be supportive or happy for you, you would find their presence very hurtful. In our case, FI's stepdad will not be coming, but was ultimately very gracious about the invitation. One hopes that most people can either put on a face of support or be kind enough to absent themselves without being a jerk about it. 

volleygurl0306

There has been way too much hurt and I think even inviting them would cause me a ton of anxiety.  I didn't sleep the entire week of my brother's wedding and was throwing up because I knew I'd have to see them (and not like I had wedding day jitters on top of that).  A lot of hurtful things have been said but to illustrate two of the more ludicrous things said by gma and aunt to show how this whole saga went down:

Aunt: You two should really consider not having children since it would be so hard for a biracial child with a Muslim last name to ever be accepted in this world.
(my response was "Tell that to President Obama" but regardless, our choice to have children is no one's business)

Grandmother: If you take his last name you have to drop your middle name (my middle name is her maiden name) because you can't be his family and my family. 

I asked her what about her great-grandchildren who will have Muhammad as a last name.  She said she wouldn't recognize them as her own. 

So I'd be essentially inviting her to a ceremony that indicated I was disowned by my grandparents.

jamie5482

I don't think I could invite them. I did not invite my mom's brother and sister to my wedding because of all of the hurtful/ selfish things they have done in the past and I knew they would only bring drama into it. I figured if they couldn't visit their dying mother (my mom's mom) or their dying sister (my mom) then they didn't really deserve to be part of something happy. 

Honestly I don't feel bad about it in the slightest. I wish things were different but I don't need unsupportive, mean people in my life and neither do you. You have to do what is best for you and your FI, no one else. It's up to you to decide what exactly that ends up to be. I'm sorry parts of your family have been unsupportive, that's very frustrating and sad.

I hope you get to close on your house by Friday! And I'd just give your FI some space to cool down if I were you. It's fine to be pissed and upset but he can't throw tantrums every time something goes wrong. Hang in there!!!

Loveyk

I honestly wouldn't invite them... those are very hurtful words to your husband and you. Racism is unacceptable. For you to invite them to a celebration of your and your husbands commitment and love for each other they should be supportive and happy for you and welcome your husband into the family because of the man he is, not the color of his skin or his last name.

Friday is so close! It will be here before you know it

akbrown19

I think perhaps your grandmother is finally realizing what her attitude will cost her. Unfortunately for some people, it's too little too late. You have expressed how anxious and upset it makes you to even think about them being there, so I would say don't invite them just to try to mend a relationship that up until now hasn't had any signs of improvement. You will be a wreck on what is supposed to be the happiest day of your life and it's not fair for her to guilt you into that after the way she's treated you all this time. Perhaps once you do have kids she will realize even more what a wonderful life (and lives) she is missing out on. You made the decision to cut her off because you knew you'd be happier. Stand your ground!