Invitations to widows

ldcf11206

My great grandmother and my fiance's grandmother are widows.  How should their invitations be addressed --- Mrs. Jane Doe or Ms. Jane Doe?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I'm dealing with this issue, as well. Traditionally, I think it should be Mrs. John Doe, without using their first name. Especially since they are likely elderly, that is the proper address. (FI's grandma is 99 and my great-great-aunt is 92, so I think I'll address them like that - the traditional way. I'm debating my aunt, though, who's 65 an recently lost her husband. Maybe do it on a case-by-case basis.)

michelle142

It depends on the widowed person, some are more old school and prefer the traditional way:
Mrs. John Smith

Others (like my widowed aunt) preferred Mrs. Jane Smith -- which still indicates that they are married, but uses their name instead of their husbands.

kristinanddan

Definitely not Ms.

I did Mrs. Jane Smith, but traditionally, it should be Mrs. John Smith

cukimerrydoll

My cousin is a widow with two teenage children - her husband died of cancer, so she isn't elderly - we're planning to invite her as "Mrs. (her first name) (her last name) and family,"  for my dad's aunt - whose husband died last year - we're doing "Mrs. (her first name) (her last name)."

That's how they were done for my grandma in the weddings between when my grandpa died and she died.  Well, except for my cousin's wedding, but my grandpa had died about three weeks beforehand.

I almost feel like it's better to address it directly to the widow rather than using her deceased husband's name.  It helps keep them recognised without bringing up any grief because the spouse cannot be there.

squirrly

Mrs. John Smith is the correct traditional ettiquette.  However, I would check with them and ask how they prefer to be addressed.  It's more important to do what they want here than it is to follow tradition - particularly since this is something that only you and they will see.

tenofcups4me

Depends on how "traditional" they are. I always addressed my grandmothers (both deceased now, but I'm guessing they'd be about the same age as your great-grandmothers) as Mrs. Jane Smith. They would have found it weird, insulting, and I think more than a little sad to be addressed as Mrs. John Smith. Unfortunately, I think they also would have found it weird and possibly "insulting" to be addressed as Ms. Jane Smith too.

I read here that there are some who insist on Mrs. John Smith, but I'm not aware of knowing anyone like that, not even people who are considerably older. Your  mom and FMIL would probably be the best ones to ask about your particular relatives.

lyndausvi

If they are close enough, then I would just ask.

We had 8 widows.  Most prefer Ms or Mrs Jane Smith.  But a couple of them (in their 80's) prefer Mrs John Smith.  I just did want they want.

One of the widows I addressed  Mrs Mary Smith, the RSVP came back Mrs John Smith.  Apparently I got that one wrong.

cukimerrydoll

I guess I would do it as Mrs. Jane Smith... think of it this way, are they going to be angry if you did their name? Or are they goiing to remember which name you used in a year?

For the past 3-4 years, I've been addressed as Mr. (FH's name) and Katie... that was long before I got engaged that we have been included in the same paper.  Not exactly ettiquette appropriate, but I don't mind.

You could do a "what would the majority want?" style, and do them all the same.