mad family

Hergies403

So my mother and father are going to be paying for our reception. They have a cap at $10,000 which is fine with us. We are so freaking happy that they are helping and that is alot of money!! My fiance has a lot of family, and we also have a lot of friends. I have no family besdies the immediate members. To try to squeeze everyone we really wanted in and to stay within my parents budget, we deciede to make the age limit 21 and over only. We just sent the invites and already people are angry. They havent yet told us directly but they told my fiances mother. They are very upset that thier kids (his cousins/nieces) cannot go. They say that they are part of the family and they are hurt. I will address anyone if they ask me directly why we set an age limit. Its just so hard. We dont want to hurt anyones feelins but we have a budget to stay in and we cannot afford to cough up the money for all extra 10 plus kids to go! Its approx $70 extra for a child plate. I dont think there really is anything I can do besides tell the people and apologize. Maybe we can treat the kids to a fun day or something at an amusement park but they all dont live up  near us. I guess I just needed to bitch this one out

vantica

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_mad-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:2fbc2e56-efb6-4116-a6b7-13c2d543cfe5Post:8c66040d-da32-4e36-a39a-6e640c1c5204">mad family</a>:
[QUOTE]So my mother and father are going to be paying for our reception. They have a cap at $10,000 which is fine with us. We are so freaking happy that they are helping and that is alot of money!! My fiance has a lot of family, and we also have a lot of friends. I have no family besdies the immediate members. To try to squeeze everyone we really wanted in and to stay within my parents budget, we deciede to make the age limit 21 and over only. We just sent the invites and already people are angry. They havent yet told us directly but they told my fiances mother. They are very upset that thier kids (his cousins/nieces) cannot go. They say that they are part of the family and they are hurt. I will address anyone if they ask me directly why we set an age limit. Its just so hard. We dont want to hurt anyones feelins but we have a budget to stay in and we cannot afford to cough up the money for all extra 10 plus kids to go! Its approx $70 extra for a child plate. I dont think there really is anything I can do besides tell the people and apologize. Maybe we can treat the kids to a fun day or something at an amusement park but they all dont live up  near us. I guess I just needed to bitch this one out :(
Posted by Hergies403[/QUOTE]


Unfortunately, so many people are like this.  It happened to my cousin with a few aunts.  They were upset that their kids (cousins) weren't invited, but some cousins were.  The reason being is that my cousin never grew up with them, but were very close to us!  He was even not inviting all the friends he wanted to so he could at least invite the aunts and uncles.  A few of these aunts and uncles even said yes, and then didn't show!!!  Didn't even call to make some sort of excuse or anything.  Since I am not close to that part of the family, I may not invite any of those aunts and uncles and just limit to the ones I am close to. 

libby2483

I would stay stick to your guns on this one.  While having a fun day with the kids would be nice, it is by no means necessary, as you are within your right to exclude children. If people RSVP with children added or complain, just politely explain you are not having children at the wedding.  If they say that they won't come as a result, just tell them they will be missed.

LeiselEB

I agree, it sucks when people don't understand that they can't bring their kids everywhere. 

One question, though - are there any families that have a 21 year old but also a 18 year old or something, and so only some of the family was invited, and some not invited? I would be upset about that, and I think that's understandable. If you have any cases like that, I might try to invite the whole family rather than splitting them up. 

If not, you're good, just tell them "We hope you understand and that you can still make it."

Hergies403

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_mad-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:2fbc2e56-efb6-4116-a6b7-13c2d543cfe5Post:fcc52ac9-35e4-47fa-ab15-66072d061890">Re: mad family</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree, it sucks when people don't understand that they can't bring their kids everywhere.  One question, though - are there any families that have a 21 year old but also a 18 year old or something, and so only some of the family was invited, and some not invited? I would be upset about that, and I think that's understandable. If you have any cases like that, I might try to invite the whole family rather than splitting them up.  If not, you're good, just tell them "We hope you understand and that you can still make it."
Posted by LeiselEB[/QUOTE]

Yes we have some of those. They have a 21 year old and a 16 year old, But if we invite the 16 year old then the other families will think its unfair that their 16 year old or their 12 year old wasnt invited. So we had to make some kind of cutoff age.

Hergies403

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_mad-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:2fbc2e56-efb6-4116-a6b7-13c2d543cfe5Post:3b72611e-941c-4183-9960-8cef6bde4f3d">Re: mad family</a>:
[QUOTE]This is a frequent problem.  Some people just can't understand that their little darlings aren't always welcome.  It is out of line for them to complain to your FMIL.  Your correct response should be, "I'm so sorry that they are unhappy about this.  We will miss them at the wedding." PS.  I think you should change your post heading to "Entitled family members"
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

How do I change the heading?

Hergies403

Thank you all for your help

MyNameIsNot

Just to add, please don't "explain the reasons why" to these people if they complain or ask you about it.  Explaining the problem just invites them to try to "solve" it for you.  No space?  They'll sit on mom's lap.  No budget?  Mom and dad will pay for the kid.  It never ends.  Just say "I'm sorry, we are not inviting children.  I hope you'll still be able to make it."  

If you haven't sent invitations, you might avoid the age thing by just not inviting cousins at all.  If you are inviting aunts/uncles but no first cousins, it won't matter if there is a cousin who is 16 and one who is 21.  

shanding4787

Tell them to get over it. It's not their day, it's yours. I'm getting a lot of flack for not inviting anyone under the age of 18 to ours. Even my own sister dropped out of the wedding because of it. Tell everyone to back the hell off (nicely). They have probablly had their day and chances are they didnt have kids there either.

Hergies403

So the one family with 2 daughters ended up RSVPing NO to the wedding. Oh well! Guess that opens more seats uip to invite some coworkers!!

GoodLuckBear14

I can only add that it is pretty crappy of your FMIL to pass these complaints on to you instead of backing up you and her son and handling this in the moment.  I'll also add that because it seems to be his side of the family doing the complaining, it is up to your FI to deal with them, not you.