Wedding Invitations & Paper

Wording help - Wedding disguised as a Surprise 30th Birthday

So.  My fiance and I are not wanting to have a big to do for our wedding.  We'd love to have a small, low key affair, but still have it be dressy/fancy.  Due to large families the traditional full dinner and reception is not feasible budget-wise, so we have come up with a creative idea.

We will be pretending to have a surprise 30th birthday cocktail party for me (the bride) in a friend's backyard 'planned' by my mom and fiance, then we'll spring the surprise on our guests.  (When they are all waiting in the backyard to surprise ME, I will walk around the corner in a wedding dress.  Haha.)  Very few people will be informed of the surprise in advance - parents, grandparents and out-of-town guests.  I really like this idea because I can still design/plan the things I want to design/plan, but no one will be asking me about anything because they think it's a surprise!  Much less pressure overall to conform to everyone's opinions!

Anyway, what I am stuck on is how to word the invitation in a way that informs our guests of what is happening (low-key, but classy/dressed up cocktail party with appetizers and drinks...and a SURPRISE) and more specifically how to say "We really want you to dress up but you don't have to".  If people want to wear jeans or whatever they want, I don't care (I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable), but we, as a couple, really like dressing up, so we think it would be fun if people wore fancy cocktail attire.

Any and all suggestions are welcome!  Thanks in advance!

Re: Wording help - Wedding disguised as a Surprise 30th Birthday

  • If you  just word the invite as a surprise birthday cocktail party it should cover it - with cocktail attire--- there will be people that will not adhere to that - or be calling FI and you mom to find out what cocktail attire means - ifi you are still fine with whatever they wear then just send the invite saying cocktail party and hope they show up a littl dressier than jeans
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  • It's creative.  Congrats on that! I think you should be prepared that some people who don't attend (or who may arrive after the ceremony) may be bummed when they learn the event was a wedding instead of a birthday party. 

    I would prioritize attending a wedding over a birthday party -- so I could envision you may have friends who might do the same.  In any event, have a great time!
  • Like Lisa said, be prepared for some people to be upset that they didn't know it was a wedding. I think it's a clever idea, but if you're only reason for wanting to use the birthday party as a cover is that you don't want people asking about planning - just don't tell anyone about the wedding until invitations go out. Then, just don't answer questions :) I kept a lot of my wedding a surprise to our guests. 

    That said, I'd make the invitations pretty formal - as formal as the wedding will be. I think this will help get across the importance, and also make sure guests know what to wear. 

    One thing that's going to be tough is that there isn't a way to get your fiance's name on the invitation. For his side of the guest list, I bet you'd end up with a lot of no shows since they might not see a reason to attend your birthday, ya know?
  • itzMSitzMS member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    edited October 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_wording-help-wedding-disguised-as-a-surprise-30th-birthday?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:37b2dfb3-e1d9-444f-8dce-6d283b65305ePost:215268ce-9e4a-4d57-bff8-0eeb988e9110">Re: Wording help - Wedding disguised as a Surprise 30th Birthday</a>:
    [QUOTE]Personally, I think surprise weddings are a horrible idea. I'm far more likely to attend a wedding than a birthday party. If I skipped your birthday because I had another engagement, and then found out it was a wedding, I would be really upset. If you don't want people asking about how the wedding planning is going, then don't talk to people about the wedding. But I would seriously reconsider the 'surprise' idea.
    Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]

    Exactly this. DH & I tend to go out of our way to attend someone's wedding...a 30th bday party, meh, notsomuch. I would be incredibly annoyed to show up to a "surprise" wedding.

    Quite honestly, I think you're a bit delusional if you think in telling parents, grandparents, AND out of town guests that word won't get around that it's your wedding day. You're sure that Grandma Sue won't be casually talking to Aunt Joan: "Oooh, I need to go shopping for a dress for for Chanson's wedding!!!" Plus, I'm assuming everyone knows you're engaged? That usually means a wedding is imminent...<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-tongue-out.gif" border="0" alt="Tongue out" title="Tongue out" />
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_wording-help-wedding-disguised-as-a-surprise-30th-birthday?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:37b2dfb3-e1d9-444f-8dce-6d283b65305ePost:215268ce-9e4a-4d57-bff8-0eeb988e9110">Re: Wording help - Wedding disguised as a Surprise 30th Birthday</a>:
    [QUOTE]Personally, I think surprise weddings are a horrible idea. I'm far more likely to attend a wedding than a birthday party. If I skipped your birthday because I had another engagement, and then found out it was a wedding, I would be really upset. If you don't want people asking about how the wedding planning is going, then don't talk to people about the wedding. But I would seriously reconsider the 'surprise' idea.
    Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]


    This exacltly
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_wording-help-wedding-disguised-as-a-surprise-30th-birthday?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:37b2dfb3-e1d9-444f-8dce-6d283b65305ePost:215268ce-9e4a-4d57-bff8-0eeb988e9110">Re: Wording help - Wedding disguised as a Surprise 30th Birthday</a>:
    [QUOTE]Personally, I think surprise weddings are a horrible idea. I'm far more likely to attend a wedding than a birthday party. If I skipped your birthday because I had another engagement, and then found out it was a wedding, I would be really upset. If you don't want people asking about how the wedding planning is going, then don't talk to people about the wedding. But I would seriously reconsider the 'surprise' idea.
    Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]

    Yep. 

    And if you are going to have a surprise wedding, you take your chances with what those who show up are wearing.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • Ditto cfas.  And I can tell you that if I received an invitation for a surpise 30th birthday party held in someone's backyard, I would NOT be wearing cocktail attire.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_wording-help-wedding-disguised-as-a-surprise-30th-birthday?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:37b2dfb3-e1d9-444f-8dce-6d283b65305ePost:105afddb-b2a5-4d03-9008-b3e5971e71c8">Re: Wording help - Wedding disguised as a Surprise 30th Birthday</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ditto cfas.  And I can tell you that if I received an invitation for a surpise 30th birthday party held in someone's backyard, I would NOT be wearing cocktail attire.
    Posted by OliveOilsMom[/QUOTE]

    <div>I agree.  Unless you are okay with people missing your wedding because they didn't know it was actually your wedding, I wouldn't do this.  Also be prepared for people to be angry that they missed your wedding if they declined this "birthday party" invitation.  If one of my close friends had a birthday party, I would do my best to attend, but wouldn't change a bunch of plans if it was inconvenient to attend.  I would, however, prioritze a friend's wedding over almost any other event.  Also, I think you will be disappointed if you are hoping that people show up to a backyard BBQ in cocktail attire.</div>
  • loca4pookloca4pook member
    1000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited October 2012
    Honestly? I think the WHOLE thing is a bad idea...People might not feel the need to attend a 30th birthday party, but WOULD attend knowing it was the wedding...You might inadvertantly miss out on important guests....especially on your GROOM's side..in some ways, that might end up hurting HIM more.........

    Please reconsider this idea
  • SKPMSKPM member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited October 2012
    Ditto PPs on all accounts: some guests who would attend a wedding might not attend a birthday party, particularly your FI's family and friends. I won't repeat the dress code comments, as it isn't appropriate to tell guests how to dress; your invitation and venue choice should do that. And honestly? I was annoyed with all the unsolicited advice when I first started planning. Really annoyed. But once I learned a few tactics, such as changing the subject, saying "Oh that's an interesting idea, I'll consider it," and my favorite "Actually I'm keeping that part a surprise for the guests!"... It got a whole lot easier. If people get the sense that you aren't stressed out and all wedding all the time, they can't bother you as much. If you do the surprise wedding then I hope it turns out well; I just don't think that unsolicited advice is a compelling enough reason.. IMO of course.

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  • I wouldnt worry so much about you FI family not attending becuase its for you. This is how my FI purposed to me. I had a surprise 30th birthday for him, I invited all his family and my family too and of course friends. He found out about it a week before it and flipped the surprise. Only a few ppl knew that he was going to do this. I dont know how close your future in laws are too you but my parents and grandparents were more than thrilled to be included in his surprise party. Plus if you clue in his mom to everything, she will beable to convince ppl to come.
  • This is the kind of thing that works well in a movie but probably not so well in real life.
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  • I don't think a "surprise wedding" will go over well, for the same reason secret legal weddings followed by big splashy "wedding celebrations" don't go over well.

    They both involve deception and secrecy, which in and of themselves piss people off, and may also convey a sense to those hearing about it that the participants don't take marriage seriously.   And, some people who would skip a birthday party would be very upset to learn that they'd also skipped a wedding.

    Please, don't do it.

  • Don't listen to those who say not to have a surprise wedding if that is what you want. Chances are, if your friends and family know you us like dressing up, then they will dress up a bit, especially if you put something like fancy cocktail party on the invite. And if they are anything like me, they will ask your mom or fiancé for clarification! Have fun and congrats!
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