The Whole Catholic Thing, sorry this is long

i2012do

I was raised Catholic and have been baptized and confirmed etc.My fiance is from Utah and was baptized LDS. Though his immediate family does not practice the faith- he still has the moral backgrounds behind it etc.
We are doing a "religious based "ceremony in a non-denominatal chapel. (formerly a baptist church). There are going to be two catholic readings and all kinds of tings about God and Jesus and the Lord and blessings and what not. Our officiant is a Reverend who was an ordained Roman Catholic priest during the 1980s. He and his wife now are officiants.
We are mostly basing our ceremony around Catholicism, and using a few pieces from the LDS church (for example, in LDS they believe you are married for all eternity and not just until "death do you part"), we are trying to integrate our religions- but since I am the more practicing and our children will be raised Catholic our ceremony has strong Catholic undertones.

My parents this past weekend through a huge fit, that left me in tears and my parents arguing. They said that I have totally turned my back on how I was raised and that I was baptised and confirmed and so I should be making the next "sacrament". I will admit that in more recent years (mostly after hte passing of both my grandparents since I was engaged), I have come "back" to the church a bit- but I was ccertainly not a stand up catholic all these years previously. I never went to church and neither did my parents except every once in a while. i'm not sure why they have this sudden feeling of being SO faithful, especially my dad. But I'm going to guess it has a lot to do with the fact that my grandmother passed away a few weeks ago and they are feeling that they want to know I am "ok" in the cahtolic faith for the rest of my life.

Well now my parents have demanded that we have a family friend who is a priest come to our ceremony to bless our marriage. They have said things like if I wasn't marrying my fiance I would have a "church "wedding and basically implied things to make him feel like its HIS fault that all this is happening.
After basically crying and agruing with them about how this is "our ceremony about two faiths and two people joining" to whhich i heard "is he forcing you not to get married in a church".... it seemd to fall on dead ears.
I spoke to fiance and he felt ok with having this Priest come and bless our marriage in the catholic church. And now, we have to invite this priest (that I am not super fond of) to our wedding reception etc...

i felt ok with the decision and i knew it was what my parents wanted and in the back of my mind I was happy to see that we were going to have the marriage blessed in the church (we were going to do this after the wedding ANYWAY at our own church).

Now my mom is second guestting it, she said she spoke to my aunt (who is my godmother) and my aunt said that if it was a LDS ceremony she could see us asking to bring in someone from the Catholic Church but since we are already trying to accomodate both relgiions and there is an emphasis on mine- its starting to look pushy to bring in a Priest to the wedding...and it also kind of discredits my fiance. And my aunt said the key words to my mom "what do THEY want. they are the ones getting married"...

So now my mom hasn't called the Priest yet. I am 4 weeks out from my wedding- I have to make arraganements for him etc, and even ask our officants if its ok- next week when I meet with them.
So now I am more confused than ever.
My fiance and I were all set on the Priest idea, now I think my mom is starting to "see" our side of things- and now she is back peddling. I know it will make my dad happy and I feel torn between my "family" and my "new family"....
I don't really know what i am asking here- not really anything
i just wanted to get it all out

artbyallie

Well, a priest coming to your ceremony outside the Catholic Church still won't make it a sacrament, so I don't understand your family's way of thinking. But you should consider whether it will bother you that your Church will not recognize your marriage. Do you really want to raise your kids in that faith while you yourself are barred from communion?

If that's all fine with you, then tell your family your mind is made up and they will just have to reconcile themselves to that.

ElisabethJoanne

Weddings (and funerals) bring out strange feelings about religion in people. I was reading the other day about an atheist groom who wanted a Christian pastor to officiate because he liked the idea of someone of faith officiating, even if he didn't believe in the faith.

My in-laws are Jewish atheists and still made similar demands to your Catholic parents about our wedding. They wanted a rabbi to attend even if they know 0 rabbis, never go to temple, none of their friends do, etc.

Here's what has worked for us: You want it, you pay for it, you arrange it, unless it's against our beliefs.

We haven't held my in-laws to "you arrange it," because of illness, but basically, I said I would not have a rabbi at our catholic ceremony, even if the church allowed it, but he could say whatever he wanted for 20 minutes at the reception. They would have to pay any fees, plus for his (and his wife's) food, etc. We would only go to 2 planning/pre-marital counseling meetings. If I don't have the info by X date (always more than reasonable but well in advance of any crunch-time), it won't happen. Avoiding last-minute changes is a key part of my wedding planning.

Riss91

Sorry you are having such a stressful time!

PP is right - having a priest show up to a non-Catholic ceremony is not going to do anything. Nor would I expect any priest to even agree to doing this as this goes against Church doctrine.

Though I understand your family's concern about you possibly turning your back on the faith, it is a decision that you need to make without them. What do you want? If you are thinking of returning to the Church, and thinking of raising your children according to the faith, then I would contact a priest immediately as you should really have a Catholic ceremony. You might still be able to incorporate some LDS elements.

Your past lapse in practicing is not an issue. No one is perfect, sins are forgiven. Look to the future and how you wish to participate in the faith going forward.

If you choose not to be married by a priest in a Catholic Church, you will no longer be able to receive communion or other sacraments in the Church (unless you somehow are able to bring your marriage into the Church). So, think carefully about the consequences, and decide what you think is best going forward. It has much more impact on your life than just the wedding day.

Please let us know if you have any other concerns or questions. There is a Catholic Weddings board with many helpful women! Best wishes to you and your family!

i2012do

Well this priest has offered to come to our wedding ceremony and "give a blessing" to the married couple (aka us) not do the wedding ceremony- that is going to be done by our officiant.

We had already planned on going to church to have our marriage "blessed" in the Catholic Church after the marriage anyway. So this seems silly when we are already planning to have the convalidation ceremony

i2012do

I also frogot to mention this:No Catholic Church would marry us. I originalyl did want to get married in the Church- but we called our own chruch that we have been going to for years and they would not marry us because my Fiance is LDS. Also, I called 3-4 other churches and they said we either had to be members of their congregation and the ones that would accept non-members wouldn't marry a CAtholic and an LDS.

Sue-n-Kevin

I assume you and your fiance are adults capable of making decisions. Do what YOU both want............have the priest bless the ceremony or not. It sounds as though your parents have "backed off" the issue, so it's really up to both of you.

FYI: if the priest does not attend to "bless" your marriage on the day of the wedding, you could perhaps consider having him come and "bless your home", something that I've heard is done. It might be a good compromise and take all the stress/pressure off the wedding day and put it on the back burner for another day.

Riss91

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_the-whole-catholic-thing-sorry-this-is-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:2089774b-68c6-443e-b1b8-19d52eb9ff5bPost:c781827e-c26a-464e-bf9a-1024c8aa8c0a">Re: The Whole Catholic Thing, sorry this is long</a>:
[QUOTE]I also frogot to mention this:No Catholic Church would marry us. I originalyl did want to get married in the Church- but we called our own chruch that we have been going to for years and they would not marry us because my Fiance is LDS. Also, I called 3-4 other churches and they said we either had to be members of their congregation and the ones that would accept non-members wouldn't marry a CAtholic and an LDS.
Posted by i2012do[/QUOTE]

There is absolutely nothing in Catholic doctrine that prohibits a Catholic from marrying someone who is LDS. It's pretty explicit in Canon Law that mixed-denomination marriages are perfectly acceptable. It's sad that those that you spoke to are misinformed of this. Unfortunately, it is quite common to have clergy and laypeople that provide completely inaccurate information. Additionally, it is against doctrine for a priest to assist you (even by providing a "blessing") in being married outside the Church. So -- it seems like those you have spoken to have things quite backwards! But - that's not your problem to worry about!

Anwyays - if you already have a priest willing to do a convalidation, then I think you are fine. Typically, convalidations aren't granted unless there were dire reasons for not being married in the Church in the first place. I would continue to speak with the priest that was going to perform to the convalidation and ensure you have everything squared away with him. Good luck!

artbyallie

I'm confused... if no Catholic church will marry you, how are you getting a convalidation? Would they not have the same problem with that? (Note that I am not Catholic, but I thought I understood how marriages/convalidations work in that faith.) I need clarification.

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_the-whole-catholic-thing-sorry-this-is-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:2089774b-68c6-443e-b1b8-19d52eb9ff5bPost:1eae2159-6fbf-4360-ae2f-c07d0974bc49">Re: The Whole Catholic Thing, sorry this is long</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm confused... if no Catholic church will marry you, how are you getting a convalidation? Would they not have the same problem with that? (Note that I am not Catholic, but I thought I understood how marriages/convalidations work in that faith.) I need clarification.
Posted by artbyallie[/QUOTE]

This.  Convalidations aren't granted because you just want one.  There needs to have been extenuating circumstances as to why you could not marry in the Catholic church.  You may need to do Pre Cana and jump through all the hoops.  If they aren't willing to marry you then I don't see why they'd grant you a convalidation, either.

M&MJK

First of all, I feel for you.  I am in a similar situation.  My fiance is going through the process of getting an anulment, but at the moment it is all a waiting game.  My parents have informed me that if we are not married in the Church they won't be attending even though we have done all we can up to this point and the anulment thing is out of our hands.  While I haven't had any major drama with my parents (I acually have almost no contact with them at this point) I have been going through all the feelings of anger, disappointment, hurt, and apathy about the situation.  I am sorry you are going through this.

Second, what do YOU and YOUR FI want?  I don't know all the canon law and doctrine surrounding mixed faith marriage, but if you want the marriage blessed by a priest do it.  If you want it convalidated, do it.  If you are not sure but come to the decision later, do it.  There is no requirement this happen at the ceremony itself.  I am sure you could get this arranged after the fact.  Talk to you local priests.  Call the offices of the diocese in which you live.  There is certainly someone at the chancery who can help you. 

Best of luck!

monkeysip

Just to add to what Riss said (everything she said was correct), the Church should marry you and your LDS fiance because there is nothing against you marrying someone of another faith, BUT it probably would not be a sacrament.  It is not a sacrament if the spouse hasn't been baptized.  While the Church recognizes most protestant baptisms, LDS baptisms use a slightly different formula, so the Church usually doesn't recognize them.

Your marriage would still be perfectly valid in the eyes of the Church, just not sacramental.  Again, I can't emphasize enough that as long as you marry in the Church, your marriage is valid.  Valid=/=sacramental.

So maybe that's what the churches you called were thinking.  They could marry you validly, but not sacramentally. 

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_the-whole-catholic-thing-sorry-this-is-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:2089774b-68c6-443e-b1b8-19d52eb9ff5bPost:12499d42-6281-40cd-b467-d774491796f5">Re: The Whole Catholic Thing, sorry this is long</a>:
[QUOTE]Just to add to what Riss said (everything she said was correct), the Church should marry you and your LDS fiance because there is nothing against you marrying someone of another faith, BUT it probably would not be a sacrament.  It is not a sacrament if the spouse hasn't been baptized.  While the Church recognizes most protestant baptisms, LDS baptisms use a slightly different formula, so the Church usually doesn't recognize them. Your marriage would still be perfectly valid in the eyes of the Church, just not sacramental.  Again, I can't emphasize enough that as long as you marry in the Church, your marriage is valid.  Valid=/=sacramental. So maybe that's what the churches you called were thinking.  They could marry you validly, but not sacramentally. 
Posted by monkeysip[/QUOTE]

monkey does have an excellent suggestion here but it's going to be very difficult to find a LDS officiate to cooperate with the mixed wedding.  They have their rules as well.

I would get together with FI to try to search out a LDS officiate who would comply. 

Funny,  I find most of my friends marrying someone of a very different faith, such as Judaism,  has a harder time finding the other officiate to cooperate

(sorry, spellcheck says there is no such word as officiant)  or maybe I'm just illlerate)

ootmother2

p.s. Is your wedding at Belcourt Castle?

Yeah, I'm nosey

i2012do

sorry just getting back to this.
the three chruches we called in the area wouldn't marry us because they all said that LDS was not a christian faith- which it is.

the church will to do the covalidation is my own church- which is over an hour from my reception site.
Originally, we had planned to get married there, but then the priest left and they were in between priests and no one knew what was going to happen and they only like to do weddings on Fridays because they have multiple Saturday masses (at 1 pm 3 pm and 5 pm) that they don't liek to juggle and it was a huge big mess- so we decided not to move ahead with them. I have spoken to the new Priest there and he said that if he had known we wanted to get married there he would have been happy to do it, and that he would be happy to do the covalidation after our wedding.

and No, not Belcourt Castle- The Towers

Riss91

Catholics can marry non-Christians. It's pathetic that they don't know this information. Could you contact the priest that you have discussed the convalidation with and see if he could perform the ceremony at a different Catholic Church? One that doesn't hold as many masses on Saturday? We were married in a parish that wasn't our home parish, by a priest that we brought in from another parish. Sorry you are having all this trouble! I would also contact those churches and correct their misinformation regarding mixed marriages because that would bother me to no end that laypeople were misrepresenting the faith!

i2012do

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_the-whole-catholic-thing-sorry-this-is-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:2089774b-68c6-443e-b1b8-19d52eb9ff5bPost:67023841-8d8f-4059-8fa1-2c465c7a92f5">Re: The Whole Catholic Thing, sorry this is long</a>:
[QUOTE]Catholics can marry non-Christians. It's pathetic that they don't know this information. Could you contact the priest that you have discussed the convalidation with and see if he could perform the ceremony at a different Catholic Church? One that doesn't hold as many masses on Saturday? We were married in a parish that wasn't our home parish, by a priest that we brought in from another parish. Sorry you are having all this trouble! I would also contact those churches and correct their misinformation regarding mixed marriages because that would bother me to no end that laypeople were misrepresenting the faith!
Posted by Riss91[/QUOTE]

This was my thought, but at 4 weeks fromt eh wedding I think its too late. It would mean finding a church that would allow someone from outside their parish to do the mass, and my own priest trying to figure out who would cover for him- plus changing all the plans for all teh guets....so i think its going to hve to be the covalidation that we go with

at any rate- after discussing it countless times with my mother- she has backed dwon from the idea and now doesn't want our famiyl friend (who is also a priest) to come to the chapel we are getting married at at all, or to the dinner where he was going to sa y a prayer at the beginning of the dinner... so that entire topic is nixed now, and i am glad!

NOLAbridealmost

If you want to remain Catholic and remain in good-standing with the Catholic Church, your priority needs to be less about making sure the wedding happens in 4 weeks and more about being in accordance with the Church.  It sounds like you are leaning more and more towards going back to the Church.  If so, it's going to be a lot harder for you if you get married outside of the confines of the Church.  

That said, if the faith is no longer important to you, now is as good a time as any to realize that your parents are no longer going to be the most important people in your life; your H will be.  And it's his and your beliefs--not your parents--that ultimately matter on your wedding day.  I know firsthand how hard it is to tell parents that you no longer believe as they do, and I also respect compromises (such as a Catholic reading, etc. that doesn't bother you) to make them feel better about it.   But if you don't care about being married in the Church then they really need to just get over it.