Unwanted family guest... Help!

addair14

Alright ladies... I need some advice....

So I'm from a small town where everyone knows every and both my fiance's family and my family have known each other since before I was even thought of.  Here is the sticky situation.... A long time ago, when my mother was pregnant with me, my father cheated with my now fiance's aunt.  I recently became aware of this through a sibling and I don't want her at our wedding because my parents are still together and it will tear my mom apart. And frankly, since I found this out I strongly dislike her.  My fiance is ok with this, however, he does not want to start a lot of problems/drama (obviously) over the situation with his family.

My question is do I send her an invitation and quietly acknowledge to her that I am aware of what happened so she best find an "excuse" not to show up (that way no one has to know the real reason) or just plain not invite her and if the subject comes up explain to everyone what happened?

I don't want my mom upset because she is my best friend.... I need advice please!!!

Thanks in advance to everyone!

s10lowrider1994

We have the same problem with us not wanting certain people in both my side of the family and my Fiance's. We do not have the same problem as you do but if we did we would just not invite her. As for our wedding we feel that we have no choice but to invite the maybe 50 guests that we do not want there. Bummer!

MyNameIsNot

Just don't invite her.

Inviting her but telling her not to come is both rude and complicated.  

If anyone asks why she is not invited, you don't have to tell them what happened if you don't want to.  

SaraAndrew2010

Have you talked to your mom about this?  I can't tell from your post if your mom has said she doesn't want the aunt there or if you are assuming that it would upset your mom. 

If your mom has said she doens't want the aunt there, I agree with PPs that you should not invite the aunt. 

However, I wouldn't non invite the aunt if you are just assuming it would upset your mom.  In that case you could be causing more drama than necessary by not inviting her.  It could be that your mom would rather you just invite her and not call attention to the past by excluding her.  I would check to make sure first.

tldh

Has your mom said anything?  You said that you just found out about this affair that happened before you were even born yet you know it would tear your mother up if the mistress were there.  If this aunt is the only family member not invited, people are going to want to know why and will probably figure it out since they probably know about the affair.  This might make your mom even more uncomfortable.

shortee426

Just out of curiosity...have there been any situations where your mom and FI's aunt have been at the same event before?  You said it's a small town so it seems likely that your wedding will not be the first time that they will be in the same room.  How have they gotten along during those situations?

I think your best bet is talk to your mom and see how she feels about inviting FI's aunt.  Invite her or don't invite her based upon that.  However, if you do invite DO NOT strongly suggest she find an excuse to not attend.  A fake invitation is worse than no invitation at all.

addair14

I know my mom doesn't want her there.  She has talked to me about how she strongly dislikes this woman (and has every right to) but she has never actually come out and said why.  I know my mom knows that I know something but I don't actually know if she knows that I know of the extent of what happened between my fiance's aunt and my dad.  I found this information out through my sister. I probably should talk about this situation with my mom, but I don't want to make her uncomfortable or bring up hard feelings.  She's more of the quite type so I don't even know if she would talk to me about it.

As for the two being at the same events together, I don't know that it has ever happened.  Also, the only people that I am sure know about the affair are my mom, dad, sister, and my fiance's aunt and her brother (his uncle).  My fiance totally backs me up on this and he doesn't even really like the aunt.

Thanks for all the input!

banana468

Like PPs said, I would say, "Mom, I understand that you're not a big fan of FI's aunt.  We won't be inviting her."

But your FI needs to make sure that he backs you up 100% on this because this could possibly trigger issues on his side.  I'm not saying that the issues would be justified, but he needs to be prepared to be vocally defensive about your JOINT decision.

gailpete

I would specifically ask your mom, "Mom, I know you don't like aunt, but she is FI's aunt.  Would you prefer we not invite her to the wedding?"

This doesn't acknowledge the affair, but gives your mom the opportunity to express her opinion.  She may prefer the aunt not be invited or may decide that as an adult she will deal with her presence because it will keep harmony for her DD and FI.