Help! Too many cousins!

SaraR715

My fiancé's father has five sisters, all of whom are married with children, all of whom (for the most part) are married with children. Since we are inviting all first cousins on my side and his mother's side of the family, as well as their children (most of whom are in the wedding party) and all of my friends' children, I feel like I have to invite all of these cousins and their families. We are aiming to only have about 125 at our reception but this one branch of family totals close to 70 people - and I am not even sure how many kids some of them have! We are weeks away from sending save the dates and I still don't have some of their names & addresses. I don't know what to do. We would rather invite our friends than all of these family members we barely know and who may not even come.. but I obviuosly can't count on that. If we invited everyone we wanted to and all of the cousins it would be over 200. We expect a slightly higher than average % of people not to come due to travel distance and our wedding is a holiday weekend, but I don't think if we invite 210-220 we will get 120-130 or less.

Is it okay to invite some of them but not all? Is it in poor taste to just cut some of the cousins from the list that live far away? My fiancé sort of expressed to most of his aunts & uncles that we were inviting everyone, and invited a couple of his cousins he knows on facebook to our informal engagement party (they didn't come, but they were invited). What if I can't get the rest of the addresses before sending STDs? A lot of my college friends & some mutual friends live far away and I am sure they won't be able to come if we don't give them a heads up they are invited with a STD.

Help!

MelissaH21

Hi Sara.  I have the same problem!  Both my parents come from big families and I feel somewhat obligated to send an invite to all cousins.  Our max is 200 and we are at about 210.  I know some people won't show but I have learned to prepare for everyone just in case.  Thankfully, my parents are both very understanding people.  My mom has even said she will take the job to make phone calls if family starts trying to bring more than who is invited.  You never know with my family!   

I have come to the conclusion this is my fiance's and my wedding and we need to invite who we want to be there.  If someone asks me why they didn't receive an invite, I will just be honest.  Our venue would only allow a certain number of people.  That I can't control.  I am not sure what the etiquette is on this but I asked myself, "would I rather have a cousin I might see once a year or a co-worker I spend a ton of time with who I consider a friend?"  To me, it was pretty clear.
Also, we are not having many children.  We are having children who are family there but my all of my friends and co-workers are planning on leaving their kids with sitters.  It cuts the list a lot and they are excited about being able to have a fun night out with their husbands!

Hope this helps!  I am about at the same point that you are.  We are sending save the dates early February.  It is so exciting!!!

SaraR715

Hi Melissa! Thanks for the response.

I like the idea of maybe asking some people with kids (that we know well enough) if they want to leave them with a sitter, I think the only problem is so many are traveling...they would be bringing the kids if coming at all. Also my fiance's dad is totally open, he just wants his sisters, their husbands, and his mother invited. It's my fiance that won't decide what to do about his cousins... and of course I would like to follow proper etiquette. :-/

I totally agree with the sentiment about a cousin you see once a year (or NEVER) vs. a friend or coworker you see all the time (or at least more frequently, or is more important to you, or they invited us to their wedding). Since I don't know any of these cousins personally, though, I can't make the decision alone (I wouldn't feel right about that anyway) and no one is helping me! (Fiance hates the whole process)

I am excited about a lot of the planning, but this is one thing I DO NOT like... it has been a problem since day 1...and we have been engaged over a year now. I guess I need to just focus on what is going well and let the rest work itself out.

Bonzo2011

I'm in a similar situation. While I don't have many first cousins, my dad has a lot of cousins who are traditionally always invited to family events. All of their children (my second cousins) are currently on the list because my parents felt they should be. Fine, my parents are paying, and I do know and like most of these second. Outings and their kids. But, there are about 5 +kids who I have never met in my life. Ever. At first my parents didn't want to cut these cousins because of the "tiers" rule--if you invite some from one tier of relationship, you should invite the whole tier. But what that rule presumes is that these people talk to each other and would even know or care. Now that our guest list pushed past 200, I think we'll reexamine those cousins who have never been part of my life.

MelissaH21

The whole guest list issue has definitely been the most stressful part about wedding planning by far! 

If I started going into second cousins, my wedding would be out of control.  Thankfully, we have gone through and finally narrowed it down. (I think).  Haha

Good luck ladies!  If we can get past the whole guest list issue, we can get past anything with this wedding planning!