How do I say this on an invitation?

gypsy_lass

Due to an extremely tight budget, my fiance and I have decided to have a potluck reception and go without gifts. How do I word this on our invitations without sounding tacky or rude?

cschuma2

By saying no regular gifts, I think your intentions are good... but I don't think you can do this without sounding rude.  Your reception is meant to thank people for coming and being a part of you day.  All gifts are optional, so to tell someone to show up at a wedding with a dish of food is wrong.  This is also a logistical nightmare.  What are you going to do with 15 dishes of pasta salad and 10 plates of brownies?  Also, to expect people to keep the food warm/cold while they travel, go to the ceremony, have a cocktail hour (maybe?) or gap (again maybe?) for photos is crazy.

I would instead rework your budget and cut the guestlist to the number of people that you can afford to feed.  Also, there is no need to have a 5 course meal.  Have your reception at a non-meal time and serve cake and drinks.

cschuma2

Or I suppose if this really isn't your type of wedding, push your day back a year and continue to save.  Then you can throw the event that you really want.

vsgal

Do not do a potluck!!  Very rude and tacky!!

Do not mention gifts in any way.  Also very rude and tasteless.

Have the wedding you can afford.  Move the wedding to an early afternoon have cake and punch. Move the wedding to a later date and save money to feed everybody.

I guess you can say this if you really want to:

Please join us on XXXX to celebrate the marriage of XXX and XXX. 
Upon RSVP'ing yes, please indicate what covered dish that you will be preparing.  We are not supplying food, so if you don't bring something then you don't eat.  Please make sure that you bring enough to feed XXX people.  If you are coming in from out-of-town, please be kind enough to stop at the local grocery strore and pick something up.  We are not responsible for any food poisoning issues that arise from lack of proper cooling.  We are also not responsible for returning your dishes.  See you there!

See how ridiculous that sounds?

andy71781

How about you say neither and don't do a potluck.  Order BBQ - and not for the presents - but because its tasty and you should feed your guests.

squirrly

You don't.  You can't demand or decline gifts - they're given at the discretion of the giver.  You also can't throw a party and demand that your guests help pay for it, which is what pot luck is.

Instead, have a cake and punch reception at a non-meal time (ceremony at 2:30 in the afternoon).  If you want a meal, you need to be able to provide it.  It doesn't have to be expensive, but you do need to provide it.

SheDiva4

I agree please do not do a pot luck reception.  There is nothing wrong with having a cake and punch reception. If your guests are really there to celebrate your marriage they will not care.

You should have the reception that you can afford.  If I was invited I can guarantee I who love to cook, would probably bring pasta or dessert that doens't require heat or refrigeration. 

aerinpegadrak

Unless every single social gathering both your family and your FI's has ever attended has been potluck, it's not going to go over well.  It's a logistical nightmare.  There are other ways to save money.

ecuchika

I have another suggestion..do small finger foods like chesse and crackers and fruit and cake and punch/water.  See if a friend can help set this up-- my friends did a small recpetion lasted about 2 hours and had 4 small round tables with one for cake one for drinks and the other two for finger foods.  You can do food on a budget--sams or costco--I just couldn't image a potluck reception.  You can't say it w/o bring rude and for my family all of our family gatherings are potluck--Christmas/Thanksgiving etc--and a potluck reception wouldn't go over well at all.

kmjarvey

What's so wrong with having a pot luck reception? I talked to my mom and she said that was the norm 20 years ago. My aunt had one when she got married a few years ago and it went over well. Just make sure you have someone really organized to coordinate who's bringing what type of food.

I just wouldn't say anything about the gifts. If they bring them they bring them.

vsgal

It is wrong because the point of a reception is to thank your guests for coming to the wedding.    If you are requiring them to bring a dish, then they are spending money, time and energy.  It is rude.

Just because your mother and aunt did it does not make it right.  Pay for the reception you can afford.  Do not make people schlep a jello mold or onion dip to your party.  IT IS TACKY!!

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_say-this-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:dabb4bd2-2d64-4f6d-b441-be95dc58a8f9Post:d9f9540f-5733-4bbb-8f6b-fa1b2aae5517">Re: How do I say this on an invitation?</a>:
[QUOTE]What's so wrong with having a pot luck reception? I talked to my mom and she said that was the norm 20 years ago. My aunt had one when she got married a few years ago and it went over well. Just make sure you have someone really organized to coordinate who's bringing what type of food. I just wouldn't say anything about the gifts. If they bring them they bring them.
Posted by kmjarvey[/QUOTE]

It's rude because you never ask people to help host your wedding.  YOU host the wedding reception.  I'll go with a potluck for tons of things, but not a wedding.  I'm not getting all dressed up AND cooking your dinner.

Ditto Squirrly and PP.  Host what you can.  If that means food that's not enough to be a meal, have a cake and punch reception with pickies in the mid afternoon.

kmjarvey

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_say-this-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:dabb4bd2-2d64-4f6d-b441-be95dc58a8f9Post:f56b3dcf-325e-43d7-bfd6-29a1cbdb6122">Re: How do I say this on an invitation?</a>:
[QUOTE] Just because your mother and aunt did it does not make it right.  Pay for the reception you can afford.  Do not make people schlep a jello mold or onion dip to your party.  IT IS TACKY!!
Posted by vsgal[/QUOTE]

The whole town did it so if it's acceptable to your group, it's fine.

psichick

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_say-this-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:dabb4bd2-2d64-4f6d-b441-be95dc58a8f9Post:3989a511-4e11-4bb8-a858-0129a13287a6">Re: How do I say this on an invitation?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do I say this on an invitation? : The whole town did it so if it's acceptable to your group, it's fine.
Posted by kmjarvey[/QUOTE]

<div>no it's not fine. it just means that the whole town is rude. have some tact and do the right thing. </div>

SarahRuthG

My sister had a potluck wedding last year. It was very small. The only way she pulled off people bringing things and not having it over lap with what other people brought was a phone call to everyone - it ended up being a lot of work for her that way. And yes, the out of town people (me) were expected to go to the store to get something to bring. So it was expensive for the out of towners because to purchase prepared food is very different then whipping up a pasta salad at home. She provided the cake and the booze. My fiance had to run out fast into a town he didnt know to buy her napkins at the last minute.

I'm not going to lie if you go this way - it was awkard. Some people brought crap. Some people brought strange stuff. And it was TACKY! It felt very much like a party we were asked to throw while my sister walked around in a dress.

My sister also put her gift reg info on her invite. It was bad. All bad.

vsgal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_say-this-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:dabb4bd2-2d64-4f6d-b441-be95dc58a8f9Post:3989a511-4e11-4bb8-a858-0129a13287a6">Re: How do I say this on an invitation?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do I say this on an invitation? : The whole town did it so if it's acceptable to your group, it's fine.
Posted by kmjarvey[/QUOTE]


I serioulsly doubt the whole town does potluck for weddings.  Even if they did, it is still not right to do.  Maybe where you are from condones tacky behavior because that is what they are used to, but someone has to break the cycle.   Are you doing a potluck as well?

megk8oz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_say-this-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:dabb4bd2-2d64-4f6d-b441-be95dc58a8f9Post:342317a2-9cbf-4f27-8c68-e4c7e93e8ba2">How do I say this on an invitation?</a>:
[QUOTE]Due to an extremely tight budget, my fiance and I have decided to have a potluck reception and go without gifts. How do I word this on our invitations without sounding tacky or rude?
Posted by gypsy_lass[/QUOTE]


There is no way to word this without sounding tacky and rude, because, unless you qualify by Aerin's circumstance of "Every other event in your social circle has gone this way", it <strong>is</strong> tacky and rude to ask your guests to bring food to a party that <strong>you</strong> are hosting.

Not wanting gifts is fine, just don't mention it either way. But as far as food goes, while you don't have to have a formal sit-down dinner, you should be feeding your guests something on your own dime. If you check out the Budget Brides board, you'll be able to get tons of ideas to cut out extras and save money (Including serving just cake and punch, or finger foods instead of a formal meal) ... but seriously, don't make your guests travel all the way to your wedding and lug around (And manage to keep fresh) a tuna noodle casserole in the process.

RochelleAnn2302

I would avoid this.... Even if you are dead broke there are other alternatives. Could you grow a garden and have a veggie tray that you grew or something? I do think it is ok to ask mom or grandma to make something to serve. Like mom is in charge of the sandwiches and grandma can do the desserts or whatever they are good at and willing to do. Maybe in-laws can pitch in too if that is what it takes but outside of immediate family i think it is very odd. Personally, I want my family to be able to enjoy my wedding and they will have really no day of responsibilities but I realize this is not realistic for everyone. Good luck!

antimony

The wording I've always seen and would expect for a potluck wedding/birthday/shower:

"In lieu of gifts, please bring a dish to share"

vsgal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_say-this-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:dabb4bd2-2d64-4f6d-b441-be95dc58a8f9Post:0147202c-90b8-40c2-a8ce-18e278bc9636">Re: How do I say this on an invitation?</a>:
[QUOTE]The wording I've always seen and would expect for a potluck wedding/birthday/shower: "In lieu of gifts, please bring a dish to share"
Posted by antimony[/QUOTE]

I have also seen it as:

We are too cheap to feed you at our party, so bring food or don't come.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_say-this-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:dabb4bd2-2d64-4f6d-b441-be95dc58a8f9Post:0147202c-90b8-40c2-a8ce-18e278bc9636">Re: How do I say this on an invitation?</a>:
[QUOTE]The wording I've always seen and would expect for a potluck wedding/birthday/shower: "In lieu of gifts, please bring a dish to share"
Posted by antimony[/QUOTE]

But the issue is, it's not required to bring a gift, so it's pretty presumptious to assume someone WILL bring something. Period.

Also, even if it's popular in your circle, that doesn't it make it not rude. It just means your guests are less likely to see it as rude and/or be offended.